Neighbour not giving the kids' balls back...

[MinecraftMother]

We've lived here for 4 years and we are by far the youngest people in our cud-d-sac. Very rural village.

Got on with her at the beginning - invites into our house for a brew; sorted out our party wall without asking her for a contribution; called in on her when we hadn't seen her for a while and lots of shopping (for which we asked no payment) during the snow when she wasn't happy about going out in the car. I also helped her with something at the Land Registry because she got a dodge phone call from someone about her house so I gave her some advice and did all that for free of course - I'm a solicitor btw.

There is a park just up the lane so the kids don't generally play anything in the garden save badminton and trampoline.

We perhaps have a ball go into her garden once every three months - I'm tell you think because if we were bothering her every day I'd see her point.

The last couple of times husband and kids (and on occasion our nanny) went around to get the ball she went inside and hid.

My husband then decided to lower our 9 yo into her garden to collect the balls for himself. There were about 4 from the last year, I think longer actually but couldn't be sure.

She then had a go at husband over the fence because of this trespass. I don't agree with what husband did.

It ended after a little while when she said that she didn't think the kids should be playing with balls in their garden, she was afraid of being hit by them in her own garden (i was listening from upstairs - I didn't want to join in as it would be very top heavy against her and despite her failings, I didn't want to get into it with her AND my husband! That would be stressful for her).

Husband told her to get a grip and that there is literally zero chance of her getting hit because here are large tree her side of the fence so the balls go over, hit the tree and slide down. THe balls land about 1 foot from the fence, if you see what I mean?

That was the end of their argument and we haven't spoke since. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable living next to us, we are many and she is solo, so when I saw her I waved a greeting but she just ignored me.

This evening the eldest got a new rugby ball and it ended up in her garden. Eldest and nanny went around to get it and she said something along the lines of "I did ask that you didn't play with the balls" and she (I think anyway) intimated she'd chuck it over.

It still isn't here. I'm fairly fucked off.

Husband said to her during their heated conversation that she didn't need to chuck it over, she could just notice it behind her trees and bring it to the front of the house when she was next going that way and we'd collect it from there when we saw it.

The front of all our houses are not fenced in, so we'd see it, the whole road is open plan so we'd spot the ball, we could lean over, grab it and that would be that.

She has a bad back so this is why she can't throw it over, she said.

How do we move forward?

I don't want to go around and get heated and intimidate her. Although she's a massive pain in my arse after me being such a (genuinely) decent (and modest 😂) neighbour.

A letter? Perhaps something along the lines of "buy a house with a fuck pot of land around it if you don't want to deal with this type of shit"...but less confrontational...

Shes 70. She doesnt need to be dealing with this. What seems a small issue to us really can seem a big thing to older generation and really can affect mental health, stress, anxiety levels etc.

It isn't frequent, it's very infrequent. Once every 12 weeks or so. And there were a few balls in there at one point but I think a couple were tennis balls. It was the football we wanted back really. And now the bloody rugby ball.

Maybe I'll look into a net. They can't kick it too high.

And yes the kids can go to the park but the youngest is 5 and I don't really want them
Going to the park at 6pm so I don't
Mind a little play in the garden before the bedtime routine.

Living in a community means dealing with this type of thing, surely?

I reiterate - this is an extremely infrequent occurrence. Every day/week would be irritating, sure. Every 12 weeks...? Really?

Stop your kids throwing balls in her garden. Do your kids have to replace balls with their own money? Might help them learn to look after them.

Yes that's a thought, getting them
To replace it...

I think she's being ridiculous. It's a ball every 3 months.

Also when it snows and she's stuck in her house I wouldn't offer to help. I know that sounds mean but kindness goes both ways

I'm wondering whether you are being truly honest about the frequency of balls going over, because I can't imagine that 1 ball every 12 weeks would be annoying enough for someone to not throw them back.

You need to send your kids to the park. Small residential gardens are not the place for football and rugby, they are just too small.

My parents had 6 balls over their fence in 2 days, 1 hit my dad on the head, 1 knocked their table spilling boiling hot coffee and the rest smashed the plants breaking them. When the mother came round to get the balls she was rude and unapologetic about it all. Relations have broken down between them as neighbours and the balls no longer get thrown back over!

Be a considerate neighbour.

Of course your kids should be able to play ball in your own garden! But you can’t do anything if she won’t return the balls- you have to accept it. Now your husband let the kids over any good will (if there was any) will be lost. It’s not nice that she doesn’t pass them back or let the kids collect them- sadly neighbours can be tricky

I HAVE told him be super careful, but he's 9.

And he's him...🙄

I was in my son’s garden with my DGS and the lads next door were playing with a football, it came over the fence and hit me on the head. I couldn’t say what I wanted to because DGS is the age when anything said is repeated.
I threw the ball back over the fence with some force.
If it happened again I would stab the ball and then throw it back
My son was quite surprised that I was so restrained
Your neighbour deserves peace and quiet

Maybe netting would be good. You could take a deep breathe and knock to enquire after her health and apologise for the trepassing and husband’s comment/tone. Tell her you are thinking of a net. A little sympathy may see a thaw and the ball returned.

I think she is being she's being mean, could they knock on the door and ask nicely if they can retrieve it?

I bet its not once every 12 weeks. Why would it be? And im also windering if the balls go in her garden and the kids go get them more often and then on the final time it goes into ber garden it gets left? Like, if the first kick of the ball the ball ends in her garden they wont just finish the game wpuld they? So they go round get the ball kick kick kick then yet again it goes in her garden and thats when it is left for a longer period?
Aorry ip i dont know what you want us to say but id still be annoyed by it and im 31! Im just thinking about how my granny would see it and can totally see her being the same as this woman.

We are considerate neighbours. I set out exactly how above. It's a large garden, on a street of detached large houses - which is why it is so infrequent.

Believe me or not, I'm not telling fibs. The last time the ball went over was June 17th (after we had a bday celebration in the garden so I remember that date). I'd even go so far as to say before that it was even longer because they were at the local park ALL DAY because of the glorious weather.

But I'm aware I'm just an unknown internet person so believe it or not, it's the honest truth.

Go for netting or the balls on the strings, it might seem like nothing to you but it’s obviously bothering the neighbour and making her feel vulnerable.

but rugby and footballs are quite expensive

Tell DC that he will have to replace it out of his pocket money. That will make him more careful. At the moment there is no consequence for his actions.

You are a very poor example of a solicitor.

When balls land in our garden we always throw them back. Our neighbours throw ours back. No one throws them over deliberately.
In your shoes I would add trellis to the top of our fence panels to make them higher and I wouldn't be doing her any more favours. I would be polite but that's it.

Why are you being so horrible to your neighbour?

Don't be ridiculous. OP has been considerate of neighbours feelings. A ball every few months is hardly harassment. Expecting children not to play football in their garden is silly. The neighbour does not have the right to keep her child's property.

@OP. Personally I would continue to try to speak to her, before resorting to notes.

They do know but the last time she ignored them (hence husband lowering eldest and then the argument) and today, they did knock, they're nice kids.

I can't prove to you it's as infrequent as it is and I see why you would think I'd down play it to support my argument, but it genuinely is extremely infrequent which is why I can't see why she just doesn't roll her eyes and do us a favour and give the kids their ball back.

That's just part and parcel of being a good neighbour. Like checking on her in the snowy weather...

But even pro sports people miss hit si seems unfair to insist on replacing it. She sounds quite mean after all you’ve done tbh.

Not sure why you're getting a hard time...you've been very neighbourly to her, she's BU not doing the same back.

I would disengage from helping her and tell the kids they'll need to replace the balls themselves if they go over 🤷‍♀️

I'd rig up a net to stop them going over the fence in future and stop all communication and offers of help.

I think she sounds really mean tbh. You’ve had a friendly relationship and gone over and above for her.

I always throw balls back - takes 5 seconds of my time. I get that kids knocking every 5 mins would be annoying but don’t get why everyone is making a big deal of chucking it back when you get the chance. Also, my mum is in her 70s and it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s an feeble, old lady who’s terrified of balls.

I think she’s being unreasonable. I’d probably not send a letter but try and talk face to face at a calm time. You might have to compromise and say you’ll restrict ball games (don’t see why they should have to go to the park) to when she’s inside so she doesn’t get hit or you’ll put up a net etc. I’d apologise and emphasise that you want to continue you’re neighbourly relationship- maybe a subtle reminder of everything you’ve done for her!

If they are that expensive and you don’t want to lose them, don’t chuck them in her garden. Go to the park, no chance of losing them there.

Your husband lifted your DS in to her garden? I think YABU, do the kids ever hit the fence with the ball? Our fence was destroyed because of the neighbours kids doing that.

Yes notes are a bit passive aggressive! I get enough of that in work... 🙄

I'm quite cross today so will leave it. I honestly didn't think she'd have any problem giving it back seeing as it has been an age since the last time.

Someone asked up-thread whether the kids might be going in to her garden to get them, I don't think so. The fence is huge and eldest isn't large enough I don't think. I've also really, really told him he mustn't, in case he was inclined to follow his dad's example...