Neighbour not giving the kids' balls back...

[MinecraftMother]

We've lived here for 4 years and we are by far the youngest people in our cud-d-sac. Very rural village.

Got on with her at the beginning - invites into our house for a brew; sorted out our party wall without asking her for a contribution; called in on her when we hadn't seen her for a while and lots of shopping (for which we asked no payment) during the snow when she wasn't happy about going out in the car. I also helped her with something at the Land Registry because she got a dodge phone call from someone about her house so I gave her some advice and did all that for free of course - I'm a solicitor btw.

There is a park just up the lane so the kids don't generally play anything in the garden save badminton and trampoline.

We perhaps have a ball go into her garden once every three months - I'm tell you think because if we were bothering her every day I'd see her point.

The last couple of times husband and kids (and on occasion our nanny) went around to get the ball she went inside and hid.

My husband then decided to lower our 9 yo into her garden to collect the balls for himself. There were about 4 from the last year, I think longer actually but couldn't be sure.

She then had a go at husband over the fence because of this trespass. I don't agree with what husband did.

It ended after a little while when she said that she didn't think the kids should be playing with balls in their garden, she was afraid of being hit by them in her own garden (i was listening from upstairs - I didn't want to join in as it would be very top heavy against her and despite her failings, I didn't want to get into it with her AND my husband! That would be stressful for her).

Husband told her to get a grip and that there is literally zero chance of her getting hit because here are large tree her side of the fence so the balls go over, hit the tree and slide down. THe balls land about 1 foot from the fence, if you see what I mean?

That was the end of their argument and we haven't spoke since. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable living next to us, we are many and she is solo, so when I saw her I waved a greeting but she just ignored me.

This evening the eldest got a new rugby ball and it ended up in her garden. Eldest and nanny went around to get it and she said something along the lines of "I did ask that you didn't play with the balls" and she (I think anyway) intimated she'd chuck it over.

It still isn't here. I'm fairly fucked off.

Husband said to her during their heated conversation that she didn't need to chuck it over, she could just notice it behind her trees and bring it to the front of the house when she was next going that way and we'd collect it from there when we saw it.

The front of all our houses are not fenced in, so we'd see it, the whole road is open plan so we'd spot the ball, we could lean over, grab it and that would be that.

She has a bad back so this is why she can't throw it over, she said.

How do we move forward?

I don't want to go around and get heated and intimidate her. Although she's a massive pain in my arse after me being such a (genuinely) decent (and modest 😂) neighbour.

A letter? Perhaps something along the lines of "buy a house with a fuck pot of land around it if you don't want to deal with this type of shit"...but less confrontational...

Well i dont know op. If it is infrequent and she still has a problem then its still too frequent for her. But how about making sure she is ok?? Maybe she has other worries and this ball thing is an added issue.

Rugby balls and footballs are big and heavy and if I was old and fragile I would be quite scared at the thought of them coming over into my garden. The fact that you have been good neighbours before doesn’t change the fact that what you are doing now is really inconsiderate.
If your children aren't capable of playing with these balls without them going over then they shouldn't be using them. Get a net or save the balls for the park. And if you are not ok with limiting your kids' games slightly to be considerate then maybe you are the one who should have bought a house in the middle of nowhere.
Fwiw I wouldn't care about the balls coming in my garden, many people wouldn't, but she does and that's up to her.

YABU.
I would hate balls coming into my garden and what your husband did is really not ok.
I have 3 dc and a big garden, but they only play with balls in the park.

I just don't feel inclined now to go checking on her and seeing if she needs anything.

There's more stuff which husband has done, lugging stuff around so she didn't have to (compost, beds from upstairs, helping load her car) and we've taken approx 4 car loads of stuff to the tip for her.

I feel a bit hard done by!! 🙄😭 woe is me lol

That would annoy me too OP.
Surely everyone at some point has had a couple of balls go over into their neighbours' gardens? She even probably has!
Being considerate neighbours has to go two ways. You've done her favours, you've gone to her to collect the balls, you've been polite. She's the one making it into a bigger drama than it needs to be! They're kids- she can't expect them not to play in their own garden.
It's understandable that she doesn't want the balls coming over regularly but from what you've said, it's not regularly at all. If you've been round to try and get them back, what reason does she have not to allow you to get it back? It shouldn't be any skin off her nose!
But I can't condone your husband sending your child over the fence. That really is bad!
I'd just let it go though for the sake of a peaceful life. If she wants to be difficult and unyielding, let her but if she ever wants a favour from you, refuse. If she can't even be friendly enough to let a few kids politely get their balls back. Buy a few new balls and make sure your kids don't send them over the fence again!

When my DCs were children we only allowed them to play with sponge or light plastic balls in the garden. That way if they did go over a fence they couldn't do any damage, and they were cheap to replace.

It annoys me very much when my neighbour's son (who is a strapping 14 year old!) kicks his heavy leather footballs into my garden and I'm fearful one might hit me some day.

You mentioned your son's footballs are expensive so I assume they're made of leather which would make them very heavy.

You are in the wrong here - the place for these kind of footballs is in the park, not being kicked over into your neighbour's garden.

Only on Mumsnet. We love cheek by jowl in cities. Throwing a ball back is no big deal. Kids should be playing in their gardens and exercising. Your neighbour is being ridiculous.

I think if I was already feeling slightly irritated by balls coming over, the trespass thing would be the final straw. It would harden my attitudes and I wouldn't want anything to do with the neighbour and his family again.

Perhaps she is being a little mean spirited, but children's balls coming into your garden can be extremely irritating. You say that it only happens about every three months from your side, and that may be the case, but I am guessing there are also other neighbouring children so it could happen very regularly.

Your husband behaved like a right arse trespassing on her garden and encouraging your child to do the same. What sort of an example is that to set to your child!!?? Then, he had the nerve to tell her to get a grip!!! Is he always so rude and ignorant? I think it is hardly surprising really that she is avoiding you all, as in her mind you will now all be tarred with the same brush. Some people might even have spoken to the police if a neighbour tried this, so maybe he is lucky that she didn't.

I would be telling the husband that what he was doing was twatty, not to mention illegal (trespass). Then I might consider writing a note to the neighbour apologising for what happened and distancing yourself from his stupidity.

I think I'd send the eldest to be park to play ball and get a net for when the youngest does (he doesn't hit it far enough at the mo but might soon).

I don't agree with what the husband did. I told him off at the time, sternly, and told the kids never to be a part of it if he wanted to do it again in the future. I left this part in for the sake of completeness. Full disclosure etc etc

Amazed at some of the responses here op- throughout my life it’s been the norm to accept balls in our garden if there are kids next door!! But she obviously has her own issues so in this case I’d just leave it and stop the nice neighbourly gestures

I have knifed a neighbours kids ball*

*after they set fire to the tree at the back of the garden requiring the fire service to put it out, tore the door off the shed by climbing over to get their balls while we were out, let my rabbit out and wrote shit bollox cunt on my car

I hope your kids are better than the rat bags we lived next door to! 😂

I really doubt by the way your post sounds that it is genuinely once every 3 months.
I find it irritating when neighbours come knocking for a ball and I'm not elderly so it is not a huge deal for me to throw back.

If there is a park down the road let your DC play with the ball down there its hugely entitled to keep letting him kick it into someone else's garden then try to "intimidate" her to into throwing it back.

Jeez OP you're getting a hard time on this!
You shouldn't have to put nets up because your DC accidentally chuck a ball over a fence once every 3 months.
Better that then spend all day on Fortnite!
FWIW you sound like a very considerate neighbour.

Your husband sounds like a dick.

For those of you worried the ball might hit her, it would be impossible. He cannot yet do a Garry Owen over a 50 foot line of trees.

The ball goes over the 8ft (I think?) fence, hits the tree and slides down. The boy could reach the ball from being dangled over our shared fence by his ankles by his wayward, maverick dad.

Honestly, there is no chance she's getting hit by a ball.

It might hit her though. You can’t possibly know that it definitely wouldn’t.

BUt she thinks she might! And everytime she hears a ball kick she might worry it comes over.

Yeah he is a dick, but he's the only husband I have so...

I can't stress this enough, the balls go over so very infrequently after the last time in June (today's accident notwithstanding) I couldn't tell you - it was so long ago.

If it were frequent I'd totally see her point. Totally.

But it isn't, which is why I think she's being super mean spirited in this regard.

Living in relatively close quarters means give and take. With her, it appears to have been all take.

I can't see how she'd think it might, she knows the lay out and the fact that a ball as never landed on her lawn from our garden.

But I take your point, she might think it could hit her.

(Skeptical about that one but...)

Whisky is right.

Does she know your dh won't put a child in her garden again?

Op you've been so kind to said neighbour, overly & above normal kind of kindness.

I too would be pissed that she is being so arsey over a ball... kids will be kids!

From now on don't help her out anymore if she's going to be so twatty, she isn't taking into consideration how you've helped her out in the past.

I think I'd prob do what someone said further up, get some cheap light balls for the garden and save the good ones for the park.
It's bloody annoying but there is no accounting for other people.
She prob has to much time on her hands.
We had neighbours that HATED us and it made life unbearable I'd rather just muddle on and compromise even if it was annoying.

No she doesn't know that he won't dangle the kid over the fence again.

She possibly grew up in a terrace or semi detached sort of area with kids on both sides and a ball coming in her garden every day, multiple times am hour with the kids just climbing over the fence to get it back. Now she is older and wants to enjoy her own company, she wants no involvement with balls in the garden. - my grandparents experience