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Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 03/09/2018 07:58

it was mentioned if you don’t report, that your own parenting comes into question

Not at all. The first responsibility for keeping children safe lies with their parents and carers. Children's only need to step in if parents can't or won't do that. Nobody will think badly of your parenting if you deal with this properly.

ifoundthebread · 03/09/2018 07:59

Yes absolutely say something to him! Of course a 14 year old girl is embarrassed to of seen her dad at it, you don't want to even think your parents still have sex never mind see it. You need to be her voice, her 'un embarrassed I didn't like what happened' voice.

NynaeveSedai · 03/09/2018 07:59

Please please consult the professionals. They may take the stance some people have on here that is was a ‘mistake’ but the important part is they will be able to help the dd with her feelings

Are you talking about social services? Because if so DD is highly unlikely to speak to a social worker as all they would do would be to speak to both parents and make sure it wouldn't happen again.

Kittykat93 · 03/09/2018 08:05

Op no wonder you're fuming. I'd have been straight round his house banging the bloody door down if it was me. Your daughter will never forget that horrible holiday, and he's behaved appallingly. Disgusting.

Notasunnybunny · 03/09/2018 08:09

I was referring to a children’s charity. The dd will try and appear to be ok, because that’s what kids do, she will still feel the trauma but will try and hide that she is tramatised. She needs permission to talk about it, and how it makes her feel and NSPCC will be able to offer guidance with this bit. It’s all well and good saying keep it in the family but the best thing for the dd is to seek expert guidance. What’s best for the couple is not important here.

Yogagirl123 · 03/09/2018 08:10

Your poor DD no wonder she is so upset, but thank goodness she has told you.

It sounds like alcohol had a lot to do with her dads & gf appalling behaviour, but that is NOT an excuse. It’s completely unacceptable for him to have sex in the same room as her under any circumstances whatsoever and to expect her to babysit on what she thought was a family trip. No way.

I would call him ASAP and say your DD is very upset, and ask him directly does he know why? Tell him she’s too upset to see him this weekend etc. See what his response is before taking matters further.

Under no circumstances should your DD be put into a situation like that in the future, it’s completely out of order. I feel so sorry for her, the poor kid must feel devastated.

So sorry OP, you will be left to pick up the pieces Flowers

Notasunnybunny · 03/09/2018 08:11

I’m sure just ‘making sure it doesn’t happen again’ is good enough in some instances but this girl is disturbed and confused, this will follow her like an emotional black cloud if not handle correctly.

Butteredparsn1ps · 03/09/2018 08:14

Your poor DD OP.

I agree that she has been taken advantage of as a free baby sitter and has experienced an innapropuate sexual situation - a clear safeguarding issue.

What does surprise me is the PP who seem to be suggesting it is always inappropriate for a family to share a room on holiday. It isn’t.

Legageddon · 03/09/2018 08:17

Poor kid
I witnessed a relative having sex when I was a teenager as was sharing a room (not my parents) and it really upset me for years. I felt disgusted and ashamed and couldn’t see that person again for a long time. I can remember the noise so clearly and being confused and yet knowing exactly what it was.
She may need to talk to someone professionally if you can access it.

Find time to speak to him today. Be very firm. It is a safeguarding issue. He has altered their relationship forever.
The issues are the sex plus using her as a babysitter twice when they were drunk and the baby is very young, you will be taking advice on how to manage it from the NSPCC but in the meantime he is not to contact her by phone or text and she wont be going there this weekend

Take her phone off her for a bit in case he tried to get in contact and if he does reply from your phone and tell him not to.

Maybe call NSPCC helpline?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/09/2018 08:23

Lazy fucking git, your Ex. Don’t have words for his GF too - I cannot imagine wanting to shag in a room with a 14 yo Hmm

Animalseverywhere · 03/09/2018 08:23

Oh this reminds me of my thoughtless ‘parents’who did this at one end of a touring caravan whilst I slept at the other. I was about 15 and woke up to the noise and the caravan rocking. I shouted out for them to shut up and they did.
I’m in my 40’s now and have never forgotten how disgusting it made me feel - my parents didn’t give a shit though, my mother regularly embarrassed me by having lovebites on her neck. I was also used for free babysitting and was regularly exposed to the pair of them drunk and arguing or having loud sex.
Careless pigs the both of them.
OP it’s good you are there for your daughter - I had no one to turn to. I’d be giving her father hell and warning him that contact may be stopped unless he can absolutely assure you and her that she’ll never be used for free babysitting or exposed to this sort of behaviour again.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/09/2018 08:25

I know it’s against your Dd’s wishes but that has to be brought up with him. I’d arrange a meetingg with your husband them both and threaten telling the school that she’s been exposed to this. They clearly took her on holidays as unpaid help to babysit.

takethatwasmyjam · 03/09/2018 08:27

I was regularly exposed to my mum and her boyfriend having sex. It's fucking disgusting and it scarred me.

I would rip him a new one. I would absolutely let your dh be there when you see them.
I would report them and I wouldn't be allowing her around there in the foreseeable future.

Leaving a ten month old with a 14 year old girl is beyond irresponsible. They both sound like absolute shit for brains.

Fakeflowersandlemonade · 03/09/2018 08:29

My DS 13 lives full time with his dad and stays with me eow (that's a whole different story) however when he is here despite being in another room i refuse to have sex with dp. I think he is too aware and I don't want him hearing anything. If he was in the same room no way not ever.

trulybadlydeeply · 03/09/2018 08:31

As others have said this is a form of sexual abuse. The NSPCC (and other) guidelines are clear.

Sexual abuse cannot, and must never be, minimised. IMO this needs reporting to the local SG team. Personally I wouldn't discuss it with him. They will then investigate, and I would imagine will work with him and his GF to ensure correct boundaries are in place.

Even if your DD doesn't want you to do anything about it, now she has disclosed it, you have a duty to report it. I don't want to be overly dramatic, but if (heaven forbid) there is more to this situation, you could be seen to be colluding if you don't raise it now you are aware. I'm NOT suggesting there is, but you now have this information and have to protect yourself.

flumpybear · 03/09/2018 08:32

Bloody hell that's dreadful, she could be scarred for life, this could impact in her future - what a dick of a pair of 'parents' your ex and gf are - fucking idiots

I'd have been on the phone already to be honest - yo can't let this go it needs to be addressed for your daughters sake

TeenTimesTwo · 03/09/2018 08:35

I have a suggested alternative approach.

  1. Raise the babysitting
  2. Raise the issue that DD was disturbed a couple of times by DH and GF but don't explicitly say that DD knows they were having sex. But say in future DD is not to share a room with them on holidays.

Then potentially they know that you know but your DD and ex can pretend DD doesn't know (to save her from feeling embarrassed and awkward).

I personally don't see in this instance how reporting this to anyone will help things.

BlancheM · 03/09/2018 08:36

Your poor DD! I completely understand why at 14 she doesn't want you to say anything, I'd have been sick and mortified at that age. However you're the parent and you need to ensure her she's done nothing wrong and it's important you confront her father.
I've just come back from a family holiday, I'd never dream of using my older kid to look after the younger ones so I could go out on the razz! How fucking disgusting. There are no words for the sex show 😷

LittleCandle · 03/09/2018 08:37

MY XH thought it was a great idea to have sex when his 14 year old DS was in the same bedsit room as us. I certainly didn't and XH sulked. At the time, he was trying to return to a normal life after some dreadful trauma at work and that holiday was a nightmare. But that really is not on. You have to say something to your XH. And what a cheek to expect her to babysit as well.

Kittykat93 · 03/09/2018 08:37

@TeenTimesTwo

I disagree. I think the ex should be told exactly what dd heard/witnessed. He needs to explain his disgusting behaviour.

Elllicam · 03/09/2018 08:41

I agree I think the ex has to be told and hopefully he is mortified and supportive of whatever steps you need to take to keep your DD safe. Don’t be surprised if he pulls the whole I was too drunk to remember thing though.

Believeitornot · 03/09/2018 08:44

Your dd is not an adult and doesn't appreciate that being embarrassed is not a reason to avoid raising such an important matter with her dad.

So, for me, I would have incredibly strong words with her father. I wouldn’t steam roller over him though, keep calm, listen to him (to let him dig himself into a hole) and again reiterate why this is unacceptable. Absolutely and utterly unacceptable.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/09/2018 08:45

"I disagree. I think the ex should be told exactly what dd heard/witnessed. He needs to explain his disgusting behaviour."

Exactly. It is inappropriate behaviour. End of.
He needs to understand exactly why his daughter doesn't want to see him. How else is the message about the inappropriateness of his behavious going to get through?

movinggoalposts · 03/09/2018 08:46

I think I’d text the ex and say she isn’t herself and ask him to think if there’s anything that may have happened which would have upset her. I might even say that’s really tired and ask if he kept her up all night snoring. Sow the seed in his head and see if he takes it from there.

I think you may have a better outcome if you go in without all guns blazing. At the end of the day, you don’t want him on the defensive, you want him to realise, be mortified and apologise profusely. It sounds like the opportunity for a free babysitter got too tempting and then they got so drunk they didn’t know what they were doing. Or, I’d like to think that’s how it was.

I do think DD needs to see him again sooner rather than later if he wants to put things right (whether he comes to that realisation himself or you have to tell him what happened), perhaps he could take her out for a few hours next weekend on her own rather than asking her to stay over.

Good luck. Co-parenting can be tricky enough at the best of times!

movinggoalposts · 03/09/2018 08:48

TeenTimesTwo, I like your approach!

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