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Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:
mummagirl · 03/09/2018 22:27

You need professional help here.
Please do take advice from nspcc

Booboopidoo · 03/09/2018 22:28

I don’t actually think it matters whether there was ‘only’ a kiss and cuddle or something more, his (and gf’s) judgement was severely off to do anything remotely intimate whilst in bed in the same room as children. There was patently at least enough for DD to mistake for sex and that in itself is bad enough even if his version is the truth.

I think you need to be really careful how you handle this with DD now, it’s vital she doesn’t get the sense that you disbelieve her in any way whatsoever. Whatever actually happened she is not at fault here and you have no reason to think she is lying. Obviously you have to judge the situation and best course of action for yourself but I think maybe you should tell DD her DF is giving a different account (whilst making it crystal clear you believe her account) and give her the opportunity to elaborate a bit on the parts he is refuting without making her feel she has to defend herself to you. Might give you a clearer picture.

This must be horrendous for you as well as DD Clean, I hope you have good support around you Flowers

CrossFlannelCherry · 03/09/2018 22:28

He absolutely went berserk at me, screamed, shouted, swore that DD had got it wrong. Me thinks he doth protest too much.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/09/2018 22:28

This reply has been deleted

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NotTakenUsername · 03/09/2018 22:28

Op, this is so terrible that your thread has been hi jacked by Melliegrantfirstlady.

Hopefully mnhq will be along to deal with it soon. Please don’t let this scare you off from posting you have had some great support and advice.

It is very clear you love and trust your daughter. She is lucky to have you.

takethatwasmyjam · 03/09/2018 22:28

Snogging and cuddling drunk in bed is still inappropriate. How long did this snog and cuddle go on for that your daughter would mistake it for sex?

If he hadn't done anything wrong he wouldn't have become so angry. He's full of shit. They got drunk and thought they could get away with it.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 03/09/2018 22:30

The baby sitting is fine. The second issue is awful

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2018 22:32

I'm concerned for thr baby too. Leaving a fourteen year old with a ten month old for three hours, I'm assuming she's not experienced with infants, then going and getting drunk, two nights running, then doing whatever you're doing in bed, that's hot and heavy enough for the child to think it's sex is serious safeguarding issues.

And shouting and screaming and going berserk? Who does that, you'd be shocked, concerned, worried your child would think that, you wouldn't be shouting and screaming and going berserk.

They did it and he knows it. He now wants to convince everyone they didn't drunkenly shag in the same room as his two children. After leaving his eldest on her holiday to look after her infant brother.

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 03/09/2018 22:33

I’ve had a text from the gf.
Hi cleanerrates. I’m so so sorry that is upset and thinks that me and had sex with her in the room. Please believe that we didn’t, I also wasn’t drunk, I still breastfeed so I only had a couple of glasses... I’m very sorry if she felt upset looking after we didn’t force her to and we thought she was happy to, we didn’t leave the hotel and was sleeping, we didn’t and never would leave with her if he was awake. Please let know that if she wants to call me so I can reassure her that nothing happened like that then she won’t be in any trouble with her dad at all and has nothing to worry about. I understand has asked to come over tomorrow night to talk. Would you be ok with me coming too? I think it would be best. Thanks *

I haven’t answered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cleanerrates · 03/09/2018 22:34

All the * are obviously names taken out.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 03/09/2018 22:35

Please let know that if she wants to call me so I can reassure her that nothing happened like that then she won’t be in any trouble with her dad at all and has nothing to worry about.*

Why the merry fuck would she be in trouble with her dad? Angry

NotTakenUsername · 03/09/2018 22:35

Bold fail.

BeefyCakes · 03/09/2018 22:36

Don't answer, phone the nspcc for some advice. This is too serious, your daughter is traumatised right now.

bastardkitty · 03/09/2018 22:37

They are panicking. And so they should. Just ignore. There will be more messages. Keep them.

flumpybear · 03/09/2018 22:39

I suspect as others have said that more went on than the dad and gf are willing to admit to - are you able to discuss what happened in more detail? Perhaps as others have said you can seek confidential advice from NSPCC or equivalent before talking matters through - your poor child Sad

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 03/09/2018 22:40

DD is still awake (she had an afternoon nap so isn’t quite tired yet) I know I need to go and talk to her again but she starts back at school tomorrow. Timing is not right but I know how important this is too. I’m out of my depth here, I know that sounds pathetic. DH doesn’t know what to do either.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 03/09/2018 22:40

It sounds like they're bricking it, probably because they know they seriously fucked up. I agree with pp that you should call the NSPCC for advice.

NotTakenUsername · 03/09/2018 22:41

“If you're worried about a child, or you work with children and need advice or information, call our helpline on 0808 800 5000 – we're here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

-NSPCC

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2018 22:41

god that's awful do these people have no boundaries,

Do not ask your daughter to call her,

And please correct her. It's not your child that will be in trouble with her dad. It's her dad that's in trouble.

I'd respond and say " thank you but we both know that would be inappropriate for my daughter to call you to discuss whether you had sex with her father, and she is not concerned about being in trouble. It's more her father is in trouble with her"

Seriously. Do these people have no boundaries?

SomeKnobend · 03/09/2018 22:42

"reassure" = gaslight. How dare they? I wouldn't have a conversation with them. He had a chance at a conversation and all he did was rage at you. Just call NSPCC and follow their advice to help your dd. You don't need to entertain your ex/his gf and their bullshit. Your dd knows what she saw and heard.

PanamaPattie · 03/09/2018 22:42

So they both want to come over to intimidate DD and gaslight her experience. Sounds like a bullying pincer movement. Say no.

Gazelda · 03/09/2018 22:43

I can't imagine the thoughts racing through your mind. I'd feel completely overwhelmed in your position.
I think calling NSPCC is good advice.
My instinct would be to believe DD, but how do you deal with this going forward? I think some expert advice is the responsible path to take.

SomeKnobend · 03/09/2018 22:44

I really don't think you should talk to your dd again to get more details. What se told you was really embarrassing and traumatising for her, please don't put her through it again just because your ex is lying through his teeth. At least speak to someone qualified in child safeguarding before you bring it up with her again.

willyloman · 03/09/2018 22:45

Revolting - as her mum you need to speak up. This is very far from normal or acceptable behavior.

GinandGingerBeer · 03/09/2018 22:45

Whether it was penetrative sex or not is irrelevant really. Your DD believed they were having sex due to what she could hear and see from her bed. She's 14. It sounded like sex to her, that's the bottom line.

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