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Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cleanerrates · 03/09/2018 21:55

DD isn’t going to be here when ex comes over tomorrow evening, she’ll be staying with my parents for the night, I don’t want her involved in the discussion.
I don’t disbelieve her but I can’t lie and say I completely disbelieve him either. Neither of them have form for lying.
He was never going to take it well either way was he? I guess maybe I need to ask DD to elaborate further as when she initially told me it was through tears and I was in a bit of a blur... I don’t really want to embarrass her further or make her feel uncomfortable but I need to ask again exactly what she saw in detail.

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 03/09/2018 21:56

Your dd is 14, she knows the difference between a cuddle and sex. Even if 'full on sex' didn't happen there was obviously something sexual going on which is obviously just as bad. I wouldn't believe him.

needyourlovingtouch · 03/09/2018 21:57

She will probably decide not to go on holiday with him again

wowfudge · 03/09/2018 21:57

His response is the kind of thing you would expect to hear from someone who has been caught out. If you do meet with them, it should not be at your home whilst your DD is there.

There are some things he has said that you can check with her, but be careful not to make her think you don't believe her.

mummagirl · 03/09/2018 21:58

Have just had child protection training
This is a child protection issue

SleepFreeZone · 03/09/2018 21:58

Kids don’t make this stuff up. At 14 you know what sexual interaction looks like, you understand the noises associated with sex. He was pissed, he probably can’t even remember what went on on both nights.

He needs to calm down before he comes over guns blazing.

wowfudge · 03/09/2018 21:58

X post with you OP.

Original poster

Cleanerrates · 03/09/2018 22:00

I don’t want to get this wrong. I’m going to have to admit I don’t have a clue how to handle this properly, even if I say I completely believe DD, I don’t know how to ‘fix’ this for her. I know it’s not as simple as that.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 03/09/2018 22:00

He's lying. I wouldn't bother with the meeting. I would tell him since he denies your DD's description of the sexual abuse it's time to talk to services. And see if he decides to stop lying.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/09/2018 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NettleTea · 03/09/2018 22:01

complete over reaction from him, which suggests a guilty conscience
and then to go on the defence, the anger and the tears.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/09/2018 22:02

Didn’t realise she was 14.

I haven’t read the full thread but you said early on you’d never experienced any problems with him

Stormzyandme · 03/09/2018 22:04

I believe her.

bastardkitty · 03/09/2018 22:05

You have got no reason not to trust him. Let him come over and have it out with your dd. I would not tell her he is coming or she will be anxious. Really? What planet are you living on?

RibbonAurora · 03/09/2018 22:06

Yes, what wowfudge says - how can you question your daughter's version without having her think you don't believe her? It's important that you take her word, that's what they say about child abuse and rape victims, they have to feel that they're believed. I know this isn't quite the same but ask yourself what reason she has to lie about this? Disgruntlement about having to babysit wouldn't be enough to make up such a serious allegation. Everything you've said about her screams traumatized to me.

wowfudge · 03/09/2018 22:06

And he hasn't had a baby and a gf and had them all stay together in one hotel room before I'm going to guess. Doesn't mean it didn't happen. The fact the OP had to draw out of her DD what was the matter adds to the credibility of what the child has told her.

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2018 22:07

I don't know if he's lying or not, clearly. No one does. We do know what his daughter thought though.

And going out, leaving her alone, getting drunk, and snogging in bed is thr behaviour of teenagers, not responsible adults with two children in the room.

It doesn't matter if they went thr whole way or not, or if it was just heavy petting, they were drunk, left her for up to three hours with an infant, came back drunk and got stuck in about one another.

Either way support your child here. She's probably not had sex so doesn't know what they were doing, just it was heavy enough for her to think it was sex, and they were drunk.

He and her behaved like selfish shits. Your daughters feelings come first. The fact she let you speak to him when she idolises him and doesn't want to speak to him, tells you everything you need to know here. Kids don't do that without good reason.

Tomorrow night they will brow beat you into believing them. Your daughters choice to speak to them when she is ready needs to remain. That can't be negotiated and she can't be forced.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/09/2018 22:07

Melliegrabtfirstlady so you would have the child ambushed because it is only only right she is caught out on her lies , she's not lying!! Ffs, even if they didn't have full sex (ya right) they did enough to make her upset and uncomfortable, there was definitely more than kissing and cuddling

Auntpetunia2015 · 03/09/2018 22:07

I’m sorry but his reaction would make me very suspicious. Why lash out, your dd has no reason to make this up, all her behaviour since is text book. He’s been caught out and is making it all about him. How could you think that of him..it’s not about him. It’s abouy a 14 year old girl who has been traumatised, she’s not stupid she will have had sex ed In school. She knows what she saw and heard. Disbelieve everything he says.
You need to raise this with school as others have said because if she tells a teacher or a friend then social service will be investigating.

Original poster

Cleanerrates · 03/09/2018 22:08

No I haven’t ever experienced any problems with him, nor has there ever been any problems with his and dds relationship either, apart from what I mentioned earlier about a couple of wobbles when gf and baby came on the scene. This is massive, I’ve never had to deal with any minor issues and now having to try and deal with this is horrendous, even more so for DD.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 03/09/2018 22:09

I would say 'As you deny everything that DD is upset about, it's time for me to seek some specialist advice now. Please do not come to the house - there isn't going to be any further discussion at ths point'. Then radio silence. It's obvious from his reaction that he's lying. Talk to NSPCC and don't communicate with him for a while. Then wait for him to start tweaking his story. That's a very poor response.

KnittingSister · 03/09/2018 22:09

Haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been suggested. I strongly recommend phoning childline or nspcc for support on this one. It's too big for you or her on your own.

CallMeOnMyCell · 03/09/2018 22:10

There are three versions of the truth here OP... her version, his version and what actually happened.
I would ask your DD if what he is saying is correct (the gf going to the room to check on them 3 times, her offer to look after her brother etc.) and take it from there.

TomHardysNextWife · 03/09/2018 22:10

At 14, I'd expect her to know what sex is. And how it looks/sounds.
He's shown a terrible lapse in judgement OP - whether it was sex or just a bit of messing around, it wasn't appropriate in a room with 2 children in it. I'd say they were most likely very drunk and don't remember how far it all went, personally.

She's old enough to make her mind up about seeing her father. And he needs to accept how much he's upset her. Whether or not you want to report him for it, only you can decide. I'd be tempted to talk it through with her, and explain how serious it could be. She's old enough to have a voice in all this.

Opensesame1 · 03/09/2018 22:10

@Melliegrantfirstlady what the actual f**k???? You did not just jump to the mans defense and call her daughter a liar??? You think her and her ex husband should "have it out" with a Very upset young girl and call her a liar???

Are you the knobhead girlfriend by any chance????

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