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Original poster

Absolutely raging - need to vent!!

535 replies

Cleanerrates · 02/09/2018 21:41

14 year DD went away bank holiday weekend to the seaside with her dad, his gf and her 10 month old baby brother, she's seemed a little upset and withdrawn since coming back and tonight she finally told me why.
Two reasons - firstly for 2 nights out of the 3 DD was made to babysit her brother so her dad and gf could go out for dinner and drinks, apparently they were only at a bar a couple of minutes walk away so told DD to call if baby woke up and left her with a KFC for dinner both nights - ok some might say at 14 DD is old enough to babysit but they were all supposed to be on a holiday together.
Second reason I'm so raging I've sank a bottle of red in 20 minutes trying to keep calm. They all shared a room, DD was on a sofa bed, she heard/saw her dad and his gf having sex TWICE!!! First time she said she was facing the wall drifting off to sleep and heard them having sex, second time she was facing out into the room half woke up with a cramp in her leg wanted to turn over but saw they were having sex and shut her eyes and didn't dare move as she didn't want them to know she saw anything.... I'm fuming!!! DD said they came back from both nights out extremely drunk so don't know if they were both so pissed they weren't with it but what the actual fuck!!

DD has made me promise not to say anything to her dad as she doesn't want them to know that she saw/heard anything cos she's so embarrassed, upset and she spends every second weekend with them so doesn't want any awkwardness, obviously i wanna rip his head off but want to respect my DDs wishes. DH thinks I need to say something regardless of DD asking not to as he thinks it's too serious to just leave.

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 03/09/2018 13:34

I really do think you need to report to social services. The fact that they did this twice means that they clearly didn’t think they did anything wrong - what about the other child in the room, obviously he was too young to know what was going on but what might he be exposed to in the future if no one acts now?

Dilemmacentral · 03/09/2018 13:41

Not read all the thread

How is the father other than this?

  1. If this kind of awful thoughtless behaviour is commonplace - then social services
  1. If this is a terrible “blip” in otherwise decent father - I’d let rip at him
ohdeardeardear · 03/09/2018 14:03

Liaise with her school nurse. Her dad is complete arsehole, absolutely despicable.

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 03/09/2018 14:15

Hi. DD is okish today, a few episodes of tears and upset, her dad did try and call her earlier but she didn't answer and hasn't called him back yet, sad thing is even after what he's done she's sad cos she thinks he's gonna be upset with her for not answering her calls today.
Not much to update really. We need to wait until the younger DC are in bed tonight before I sit down with DD for another chat and explain that I need to speak to her dad about it, I need to do that before my next step is speaking to him.

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 03/09/2018 14:35

Your poor DD. She probably feels like she's dropped her dad in it. What a conflict of feelings for her. I'm sure you will, but when you speak to her make sure that you are crystal clear that she hasn't done anything wrong here and telling you was the right thing to do.

I recently went on safeguarding training and the advice given is that unless the child is deemed to be in danger or at risk then speak to the person you have a safeguarding concern about first. I do however think that once you have done that you should speak to NSPPC for some further advice and/or school. School will be able to signpost you or will take this on and provide DD with the support she needs.

I think your ex let both his DD and DS down. It's not appropriate to get "that" drunk when you're looking after minors. His defence for exposing themselves cannot be "we were drunk" because it's admitting that they weren't taking proper care of the baby. A 14 year old is not responsible enough (or should not have to be) to look after a baby overnight. I know some people have their own babies at that age but there is a vast difference to looking after your own child at that age and doing extended babysitting.

I'm very concerned that they let both of their children down during this trip. It reads as if they wanted a babysitter and were out to get drunk.

Frusso · 03/09/2018 14:38

I'd be telling dad that she will not be visiting this weekend. No explanation, no 'she's sick', just that, and arrange a time (that is convenient to you) to have a meeting/chat.

It is a huge safeguarding issue, it is child abuse. And them being drunk is not a valid excuse.

I'd tell dd that you are proud of her to telling you, but you are now responsible for dealing with it, and that whilst she told you in confidence, it is your duty as a parent to break that confidence in this situation. I'd also reassure her that this is not something she has done, she should not feel embarrassed, he has done this, and he's the one who should be embarrassed and ashamed.

I8toys · 03/09/2018 15:10

My jaw literally dropped reading this. Your poor daughter. They are disgusting. I'd rip him a new one - if he doesn't know what is wrong with what they did - there is something not right about them.

Booboopidoo · 03/09/2018 15:16

I'd tell dd that you are proud of her to telling you, but you are now responsible for dealing with it, and that whilst she told you in confidence, it is your duty as a parent to break that confidence in this situation. I'd also reassure her that this is not something she has done, she should not feel embarrassed, he has done this, and he's the one who should be embarrassed and ashamed.

This is exactly the approach I would take, DD shouldn’t be bearing any of the guilt/responsibility for this and, in these circumstances, it’s right that you take it off her shoulders completely. If you explain to her that there are situations where your responsibility to protect her overrides everything else and this is one of them you might find she’s more relieved than upset that you’ve gone over her head.

I think full on lioness mode is absolutely justified here, DD needs to feel completely protected and ex needs to feel your rage at how irresponsible and selfish he’s been. Whether you choose to go icy cold fury or all guns blazing he needs to hear how utterly disgusting what he did is, how upset his DD is and how much he has damaged his relationship with her. And then he needs to work with you to try to rebuild what he’s broken, on DD’s terms and at her pace, assuming he hasn’t blown it with her completely.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 03/09/2018 15:49

In our house we check dc are asleep first and then have bedroom TV on as well and of course all doors closed.

We have always done this as I'm sure 99.9% of posters do. And people do.

I would never ever take that risk our dc could hear. Its a heinous selfish risk to take.

To totally use her, humiliate her in that way and then take that risk with her in the room.

Just appalling.

I don't know how anyone could excuse it. I wonder if the gf would take that risk with her own dc when he is older... Shes just as much to blame and just as Vile

I would be very tempted to scare the shit out of them and threatening reporting esp with that black and white classification up thread of non contact abuse to make sure they never ever risk it again.

But how on earth would you explain all this to a child

Morethanthisprovincallife · 03/09/2018 15:50

Ie how do you make it clear its him and his gf who have done the damage here not the poor kid or her mum going mental

LexieLulu · 03/09/2018 16:09

That's shocking behaviour of her dad! Your poor daughter

RibbonAurora · 03/09/2018 16:11

Poor kid, of course she's going to feel guilty and like she's got her dad into trouble with you but the fact she told you I think means deep down she actually does want you to do something about it even while saying she doesn't. I'm sure you can explain to her that her dad wouldn't be in trouble if he hadn't done something so wrong. Explain to her why you have to bring it up with him, it's too serious to overlook and you have to ensure that similar never happens again. There's also the issue about taking her along on holiday to act as an unpaid babysitter. They had no right to exploit her like that. none of it is her fault, it's all on him.

Topseyt · 03/09/2018 17:08

That's hideous.

Your ex is an arse. His girlfriend is no better.

I'd have to tackle him on it, and sending him the link above might provide some of the kick up the arse that he needs.

I would tell DD that if she would prefer not to go to his place for the time being, especially for overnights, then she doesn't have to. At any rate, she wouldn't be going until I was happy that this was resolved and that ex and his girlfriend had got it through their thick skulls how unacceptable this was/is.

CrabbityRabbit · 03/09/2018 18:33

Your poor DD.

You have reacted in her best interests.

Whatsthisbear · 03/09/2018 20:58

OMG. Your poor daughter! She definitely shouldn’t be worrying about HIM being upset. Dumping her to look after the baby with a KFC is bad enough but to have sex with his GF TWICE with her in the room is beyond disgusting. Sad

Original poster
Cleanerrates · 03/09/2018 21:41

Ok - quite an update!
Spoke to DD, explained that none of this was her fault, thanked her for telling me but explained that I definitely needed to speak with her father, I was expecting tears and pleading for me not to tell him but I think she realised that I needed to.

Ok so now comes the conversation with the ex. He absolutely went berserk at me, screamed, shouted, swore that DD had got it wrong.
Firstly the babysitting - he said the first time him and his gf had only gone down to the hotel bar for about an hour and a half, his DS was sleeping in the travel cot and DD wanted to have a shower and read her book, he said his gf came up to the room 3 times and checked everything was ok and said DD was absolutely fine to watch over her sleeping brother and they had asked her first if she would mind and DD said she didn’t mind watching him. The sex part he flipped out, said absolutely not, he admits that him and gf were a bit drunk and had a kiss and cuddle in bed but neither of them would dream of having sex with DD there.

Second night - he said DD had said she felt unwell and was quiet (probably because of the previous night) the baby had not napped all day and fell asleep in the travel cot again, they were all supposed to have dinner at the hotel restaurant but DD said she didn’t want to go and wanted to watch a film on her iPad and offered to watch her brother again and it was in fact DDs idea for them both to go down and still have dinner. He said they were about 3 hours this time and admitted they were both again a little drunk, he denied that they were ever paralytic. About the sex that night, again he went crazy and said absolutely not and said it was nothing more than kissing and cuddling and he was sorry that had led DD to get the wrong impression and admits it was probably a mistake and inappropriate to even kiss and cuddle in front of her when in bed.
Obviously through all this I was explaining DDs version of events, I said the second night she said she actually saw sex, he said absolutely not, him and his gf were under the cover but just had a bit of a snog and DD was mistaken, he then burst into tears and said he couldn’t believe she or I would think he would ever do such a disgusting thing with their children in the room. It all got a bit heated and he slammed the phone down on me and refused to pick up when I called again. He did text a few minutes later saying he would like to come over tomorrow and speak to me with gf and he was heartbroken that DD has said all these things.
My head is a mess. I don’t know what an earth to think or where to go from here.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 03/09/2018 21:44

Do you believe him?

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 03/09/2018 21:48

Believe her. Why would she lie?

TBH everything about his reaction screams of someone who's been caught bang to rights and is lashing out.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/09/2018 21:49

Ok well he was never going to admit really was he. Have you spoken to dd since? It's a mess, I personally wouldn't allow the gf to come, only because I wouldn't want your dd to feel ambushed and ganged up on. Somebody else will be along to give you better advice though I am sure. I hope your dd is feeling better today

Branleuse · 03/09/2018 21:50

i dont believe him. He was obviously going to deny it. He KNOWS shit has hit the fan. As you said, your dd idolises him and is traumatised. She has no reason to make it up

Branleuse · 03/09/2018 21:50

and he has every reason to lie

ThanosSavedMe · 03/09/2018 21:51

The thing is his feelings don’t matter here. Only your dds

Maybe they weren’t having sex, maybe it was just kissing and cuddling, however it was in bed under the covers and your dd thought they were having sex.

He should just apologise and work toward gaining her trust again and ffs, whenever they go away she needs her own room. She’s 14 and needs her own privacy and it’s unbelievable that they didn’t realise this.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/09/2018 21:52

Also point out to him that there is no point getting indignant about the fact that you would think he was capable of such a thing because even if they didn't have sex (bullshit) then by his own admission two nights in a row they did enough to make her upset and uncomfortable so he can lose the poor me attitude straight away.

NotTakenUsername · 03/09/2018 21:54

I’m asking the op if she believes him.

As a dispassionate bystander it does sound like he is minimising what happened and possibly even gaslighting?

Make sure dd isn’t there when he comes around. You must protect her from him getting in her head.

I really really think you need to seek support from an outside agency here - I don’t think any mum can be expected to get this right without some professional support.

Please believe her.

RibbonAurora · 03/09/2018 21:55

Trust your daughter, OP, she has no reason to make this up and her withdrawn behaviour and demeanor totally bear out her story. She wasn't the one with impaired judgment, she hadn't been drinking. They had. Sorry, but your ex is on the defensive and cornered so he's turned to victim-blaming. She's lying. She's exaggerating. Classic fucking guilty conscience minimizing and deflection. What a miserable, cowardly twat. Oh and do not let them come to your house while your dd is there because he will try to get to her to change her story. Block his number on her phone too.