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Original poster

My mum died and I'm a bit confused about Funeral Directors

129 replies

FrayedHem · 22/08/2018 22:16

I apologise if this is a bit garbled.
I'm in SE England my mum in Scotland. I couldn't get through on the phone and contacted the police who found her dead at her flat today.

The policeman said they'd get a funeral director to contact me to arrange taking the body. This was at around 8pm. I've not heard anything and not sure if I should be trying to chase it up somehow? There's no direct number for the police station and I don't want to tie up the call lines. I think I remember the name of the funeral directors they were going to call, should I call them?

OP posts:
SneakyGremlins · 22/08/2018 22:17

Flowers OP.

They'll probably call you early tomorrow morning.

theboud · 22/08/2018 22:19

I’m so sorry Flowers Yes, you could call the funeral director if you know who they are. Otherwise it would be fine to call the non-emergency number and try to speak to a police officer. You wouldn’t be tying up the lines.

Is someone with you?

ApolloandDaphne · 22/08/2018 22:19

It is too late now. They will be closed. I am sure they will contact you tomorrow. Try to get some sleep and deal with it then.

Original poster
FrayedHem · 22/08/2018 22:20

But I think the policeman said I had to appoint the funeral directors so they could take her. I assume they can't really leave her in the flat? They had to break the door down.

OP posts:
MadHouseUpNorth · 22/08/2018 22:20

🌺

drquin · 22/08/2018 22:21

Sorry to hear this.

They will, almost certainly, have a 24 hour contact number - particularly if they're the FD called out by police. So, it would be fine to phone for your own piece of mind.

But yes, they're probably waiting for the morning to contact you. Although ideally the police wouldn't have said you'd get a call tonight, if that wasn't to be the case.

theboud · 22/08/2018 22:22

I would imagine she will have been transferred to the morgue at her local hospital and the funeral director would collect from there.

Friendofsadgirl · 22/08/2018 22:23

OP, that's so awful for you. Flowers
If you think you know which funeral director the police contacted then by all means phone them. They are probably waiting until the morning to contact you. No issues calling the police either.

SaucySadie · 22/08/2018 22:24

Hi Op, really sorry to hear this. Just to put your mind at rest, they will probably take her to the hospital mortuary (they did this with my mum) so no panic. You can speak to someone in the morning. Try and get some rest. Hugs.

Impatientwino · 22/08/2018 22:24

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be difficult being far away. I used a funeral director a couple of years ago and they had a 24 hour number given out on their office voicemail to call so you might find if you ring them it will divert to a mobile of someone on call who could answer some questions.

If not at least you've tried and you'll know there is nothing you can do until morning and that might help you get a little sleep. I'm sure the police will ensure her flat is secured until morning.

Be kind to yourself Thanks

CluedoAddict · 22/08/2018 22:25

Has a doctor been and certified her death yet? That can delay it. Hope you hear something soon. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Jenda · 22/08/2018 22:26

Hello. My dad's death was in similar circumstances unfortunately. If you have been given a police reference number them do give non emergency number a call. They were so helpful with me and really reassuring. Also do call funeral director. Are they correct that the funeral directors will collect her? Because my Dad died in his flat and was found by police when I requested a welfare visit, they took him to the hospital for a post mortem and then the funeral directors collected him from then.

BettyBaggins · 22/08/2018 22:26

So sorry for your loss. I would also think they may of taken your Mum to the morgue until the funeral directors can confirm with you if it's ok for them to take her.
FlowersBrew

Ifeeltheneed · 22/08/2018 22:27

The police usually arrange a funeral director to pick up the person and take them to the coroner then you'll choose a funeral director to organise the funeral. I imagine due to the lateness of the hour they'll contact you in the morning.
However no-one will think you are tying up the phone lines if you want to contact the police station to get some clarification.

Friendofsadgirl · 22/08/2018 22:27

If you need to speak to the police:
UK callers residing outside of Scotland should call 01786 289 070 to contact Police Scotland .

Original poster
FrayedHem · 22/08/2018 22:29

Thanks. I called the funeral directors and it was the right one. They have left to go and get her and take her to the hospital (assume morgue but obviously they were being sensitive). Police had said they'd need to find cause of death etc. Just feel better knowing she's not being left in the flat any longer. Silly I know. but I just feel very helpless being 300 miles away.

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Autumnfairy82 · 22/08/2018 22:31

I’m so sorry to hear this.
Usually the coroner’s Officer would be your point of contact and the police will likely have liaised with them given the circumstances. It may be worth trying to contact the non emergency number and see if the coroners office has someone on call who could speak to you ( some areas do). Otherwise they will contact you tomorrow morning.

Original poster
FrayedHem · 22/08/2018 22:35

Original plan was police to arrange but the police called back and said it would be quicker if the family appoint a Funeral Director to do it. They were arranging for the local one to call me but it seems they have just gone and got her to take her on. I don't mind how it's happened I'm just glad she's not been forgotten about.

I always knew this day would come. Multiple health problems etc. A couple of years ago she was on the floor for 2 days. Coma etc. Pulled through grumpy as hell! Cut my brother off and me back in. We always made sure one of us was in her o.k. books!

Just had hoped it wouldn't be today and she was just in a mood with me and ignoring the phone. As soon as policeman rang I knew. I said it for him in fact. Then cried. Poor man, not an easy job. But she would have wanted to go at home not hospital.

OP posts:
thesockgap · 22/08/2018 22:38

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss. It must be absolutely awful for you being so far away Flowers
My mum died in similar circumstances -she had collapsed and died alone at home, and was discovered by the warden at her retirement village Sad
I only live half an hour away so I was able to get there shortly after the police and paramedics arrived. Within about 2 hours, the police had arranged for a firm of funeral directors to remove the body and take her to the morgue at the local hospital. They were appointed by the police and did this job frequently, but we were not under any obligation to use this firm for the funeral, so we chose a firm we knew, who took over from the following day.
So the company you have been given details for, will just be the one appointed by the police.
Sending you my best wishes as I know what a difficult time this is, and how hard it can be to process and make sense of things in the beginning.

Lonelystarbuckslover · 22/08/2018 22:55

I am sorry for your loss.

IME, funeral directors are so lovely and will care for her and treat her with dignity. It's one of the few comforts at a time when there is little comfort to be had, to know our loved ones are being looked after.

Original poster
FrayedHem · 22/08/2018 22:58

My mum could have died as long ago as Saturday. Her routine was weekday phone calls only at the weekend if there was a problem. Monday she tended to be busy. So I wasn't concerned. Rang her Tuesday, thought maybe she was in a mood. Rang several times today then called the Scottish police.

The funeral directors have said a different hospital to the one the police said she would be taken to.

Thanks to everyone for the flowers/condolences and sharing your experiences. I'm a bit all over the place and will probably wake up tomorrow wondering wtf I was doing starting this thread!

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AvoidingDM · 22/08/2018 23:07

Sorry you're going through this.

I imagine the funeral director's will have the correct hospital rather than the one police suggested. With the logic they deal with hospital morgs all the time where as the individual police officers maybe only deal with this type of thing once in a while.

Original poster
FrayedHem · 23/08/2018 00:07

My googling suggests that the hospital the Policeman told me is the one with the mortuary service. Maybe I have to contact them but she'll be at the more local one the funeral directors said? I'll find out in the morning.

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LilMadAgain · 23/08/2018 00:15

FrayedHem I'm so very sorry for your loss first of all, I imagine it's an awful shock even if you knew she wasn't entirely healthy. There are a few of us on MN who have been through your situation (my dad wasn't found for many days after his passing) and all the legal stuff and funeral planning can be daunting so please talk to any of us here if you need advice or just a handhold. Call your funeral director in the morning and go from there, do you think you can sleep?

Original poster
FrayedHem · 23/08/2018 00:26

That's very kind. Sorry to hear about your dad. I'm a bit of a night owl and wouldn't normally be in bed yet. My dad and brother are going up on Friday. Not sure when I will, feel like I should be straight up there now. But I have 4 children 2 with ASD so I have to balance it right as I can't keep taking them up and down. I do have a DH and lovely in-laws so I am lucky that way too.

She was still legally married to my dad but separated for 14 years. I have a copy of her will somewhere but I can't find it! she had very strict instructions on what was to happen. My dad and brother have a tendency to think I'm still a baby despite me being 41 and perfectly capable. When she had her heart bypass they "didn't think" to ring and tell me all was well and she was back on the ward. I rang the hospital to find out and my dad and brother were surprised I had been worried Hmm

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