My mum died and I'm a bit confused about Funeral Directors

[FrayedHem]

I apologise if this is a bit garbled.
I'm in SE England my mum in Scotland. I couldn't get through on the phone and contacted the police who found her dead at her flat today.

The policeman said they'd get a funeral director to contact me to arrange taking the body. This was at around 8pm. I've not heard anything and not sure if I should be trying to chase it up somehow? There's no direct number for the police station and I don't want to tie up the call lines. I think I remember the name of the funeral directors they were going to call, should I call them?

Try to look at your families concern for you as a good thing for now? You'll need the best support you can get as you have four children and that's a challenge in itself! Will your whole family be dividing up responsibilities? It may be too soon to be thinking about technicalities because it just happened and you must be in shock. First things first, are you managing to eat/drink a little?

Hope you are ok.

I appreciate your concern about travelling with 4 kids etc. One thing is funerals in Scotland tend to be much quicker than England. I would expect it to be middle of next week. So you might be as well to come up and stay until after it.

LilMadAgain. You are right. They are well-meaning just too steam train in approach. They want to do it all but my mum specifically did not want that. I know she's not here but I think that's why I'm feeling extra uncomfortable. The will has my brother and me as joint executors which will really challenge my dad! I've got a hot chocolate on the go. Sitting here trying to remember her the surnames of her 2 friends.

AvoidDM Thanks I didn't realise it would be quicker, she's in Glasgow so was assuming big city would be a wait. Would be best if it could be soon.

“I would expect it to be middle of next week.”

That’ll depend on whether there needs to be a PM or not, it was 2 weeks after finding my FIL before the funeral because there was no obvious cause of death.

OP

My suspicion is the leak on her valve had worsened. It was being monitored as she'd had a valve replacement a few years ago. leak was not on the replacement. She also had type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, underactive thyroid, small brain aneurysm found after she'd had the fall. Possibly a combination of all that and the others I've forgotten. Very rare for her to complain of feeling unwell but she'd had a UTI and was saying the antibiotics was still making her feel rough.

We’ve had the official cause of death now (it was May he died) and it was his pre-existing medical issues, but, because none of them were expected to kill him imminently there had to be a PM.

My mum was pretty cagey about her medical stuff tbh and down played a lot of it. Just have to see what happens over the next couple of days.

Thanks all, going to try and wind down a bit. Got to get some sleep as it's school shopping day and I'll need all the patience I can muster!

Even with a PM the only funerals I can recall that have been over 8 days have been held up by Christmas holidays, family delaying to allow overseas relations time to get here or police delaying things because of criminal investigations ie murder.

If you get in touch with the funeral director's today they will be able to get it booked for next week. Even in Glasgow and Edinburgh funerals are usually within a week.

“Just have to see what happens over the next couple of days.”

We were told the next day it was going to the PF for him to decide whether a PM was needed. (It was also evening) so hopefully for your sake it doesn’t have to as the funeral directors needed the death certificate to book the funeral, which is why it took so long.

Hope you managed to sleep.

Just had to practically put the phone down on my dad. He didn't think I'd be coming up at all and also that we shouldn't have a funeral for her. I am so fucking angry.

Not surprised that you are angry. Is your brother any more helpful?

If he was thinking about not having a funeral how is he proposing to deal with the body? Cant leave her in a morgue forever.

I'd speak with FD yourself.

Very respectfully, surely you need to have some level of 'funeral' to deal with her body? I guess the issue might be paying for it. Has she left any means to pay for it or would you as a family need to bear the costs? Funerals aren't cheap.

Yes thankfully brother is more reasonable. He is trying to say dad is just trying to be helpful but I know it's because he (my dad) feels uncomfortable. My mum was a difficult person, there's no denying that. Armchair psychology but I think likely a personality disorder. But he married her twice(!), she was my mum and though she was often disappointed in my brother and me, she loved my children. The first time I saw her express any love was with my boys. always sending them little gifts. Loved hearing what was going on. My dad CBA with mine which is fine but his vision that she was a heartless beast and he was a hapless victim of hers is not quite true.

Hopefully you and you brother can sort out a funeral for your mum. Hopefully you can take a bit of time and see if you can find her will then you can be clear about the funeral instructions.

Forget trying to deal with your Dad. Deal with your brother and FD.

Furnerals can normally be provisionally booked pending the PM. I've never heard on one having to be rearranged.
It certainly shouldnt be the 3 weeks thats the norm in England

Lovely funeral directors called me. She contacted my mum's GP who is going to issue the Death Certificate. Just needs one more report (ambulance service). Said could have funeral early as Thurs next week but can be any time after with no pressure.

No financial issues for not having a funeral. It's purely my dad's issues. I think he was suggesting we arrange the cremation but no one actually attends. Which can be done. But he doesn't have to and I don't care if he does/doesn't. Just not having him attempting to control things.

I have also found her will. And the letter she wrote when she sent it to me. Ooof x

So as i though you'll be able to do one visit including sorting the house and any other business that needs done.

I guess its easier to deal with it before kids go back to school to.

Thanks everyone btw. I shouldn't be shocked by my dad anymore but it really left me speechless. better spewing my anger on the internet then ringing him back! I'm letting my brother deal with him.

Yes, definitely easier before kids back to school. DS2 starts secondary. and DS1 & DS3 have ASD. Thinking about maybe not taking them up. In-laws are great and will have them with no pressure of rushing up and back etc. If it was down here I'd not hesitate in them going, it's just with the journey etc thrown in with staying away from home the 2 with ASD will really struggle.

Op it may be too late but Google the good funeral guide they will have fd in your mums area who are tried and tested etc.

I found amazing fd through them.

Op I didn't read thread I see you have someone now, but anyone else reading be aware of good funeral guide they also have ideas for all kinds of alternative funerals.

Op it sounds so harsh but direct cremation is actually becoming a thing, David Bowie had it and body shop founder.

Yes it's cheaper but also suits some people better.

I'd book crem for Thursday. Then figure out the detail between now an then.

That way you have Friday to finish sorting stuff out. Saturday to travel and Sunday to chill before kids are back in school. I assume they are back Monday.

We've just lost MIL so have just been through this.

Once the doctor has certified the death they will let you know when you can pick up his report.

You need to take this along to register the death at the Registry Office and get the death certificate and the form to give to the funeral director which gives permission for burial/cremation.

You are supposed to register the death within 5 days (we are SE too).
I would call and get an appointment before you get the doctors certificate.

We decided on a cremation without ceremony, we are going to have our own memorial once we get the ashes.

Ah that’s good that the GP will do the death certificate, makes it easier