My mum died and I'm a bit confused about Funeral Directors

[FrayedHem]

I apologise if this is a bit garbled.
I'm in SE England my mum in Scotland. I couldn't get through on the phone and contacted the police who found her dead at her flat today.

The policeman said they'd get a funeral director to contact me to arrange taking the body. This was at around 8pm. I've not heard anything and not sure if I should be trying to chase it up somehow? There's no direct number for the police station and I don't want to tie up the call lines. I think I remember the name of the funeral directors they were going to call, should I call them?

How are you today?

I got into a bit of state this morning. DH has moved his work to Monday. He doesn't usually work bank holidays. A nap and something to eat has helped a lot. didn't eat yesterday, tried a couple of times but just couldn't. I have plenty of erm reserves so in no danger of wasting away!

I actually started out o.k. even managed to phone my mum's friend as I'd remembered her surname and found in the phone book. She was obviously shocked but we had a nice chat and I didn't feel upset or anything. But when DH was just about to head off to work I kind of crashed, couldn't stop crying. I've had little cries but this was rather full on. Period from hell not helping much either.

My brother is now in Glasgow. Already hit some bureaucracy as the police wouldn't release the key to him, said it was down as just me. I had to ring Police Scotland, who rang through to the station who then told the call operator it had to be done via Sudden Death unit. I spoke to them and they were going to phone through to the station. My brother has gone to get death certificate so hopefully by the time he's done that it will be sorted.

Hi
Sorry I never got the chance to reply earlier. You are entitled to cry and be upset. Its only natural.
Glad you have managed to track down one of her friends, will she be able to contact the other one?

Did your brother say what sort of state the house is in?

Just so you know its not a bank holiday in Scotland this weekend.

No need to apologise it's very kind of you to be checking on me.

Yes mum's friend will pass on the news.

My brother said it's not too bad. Maybe no housework for a month but nothing like previously. This ties in from when she'd had a fall in the street and then diagnosed with a UTI.

my brother spoke to GP when he hot the certificate. Death recorded as heart attack. Based on how police reported on her body when she was found and her history. Is some comfort knowing she went quickly. Will be registering death on Monday morning. Police have her handbag and keys. Apparently they will call me when they are ready to be released.

Dad and brother think dad still being her legal spouse is significant in terms of needing to be included and the will etc. I've put a thread in legal but tbh it's long and rambly and will probably just need to get a solicitor booked.

I honestly don't know if you can write a spouse out of a will.

I think I'd put it DB and DF would they not rather see money pass to the DGC ?
I'd definitely speak with a solicitor asap.

A very quick google suggests you cant write spouse or children out of your moveable estate.

That's what I said I'd found. they remain unconvinced. What has got me wondering is that my dad would have a basis for a legal claim due to their complicated history. I think he would have been entitled to a share of the proceeds of the house she sold to buy the flat. And he was also paying her a monthly amount to compensate for her lower pension though there's no legal requirement as they hadn't divorced. Whether the solicitor was aware of this when the will was drawn up, I don't know but doubt.

I don't think its really about getting any money, it's just his view of how being her legal spouse means he has to be involved.

I would take it to mean he can claim a share of any money she has in the bank, any investments or jewellery. But he can't claim on her house.

Her solicitors would have asked about marital status before writting the will.

Let them speak with a solicitor if they want to. And make sure you do everything by the book.

I'm inclined to think he should have acted when she sold the other 2 houses that he lived in and contributed to household costs etc. With the time lapsed I think it's a bit late in the day to stake a claim. He didn't want to start divorce proceedings as it would likely have got very acrimonious and costly and I think this is the consequence.

Solicitor would have asked, but would she be honest? That I can't be certain about. She could technically provide a Decree Absolute from the first marriage to my dad.

My brother has suggested we all go to a solicitor together. I'm fine with that but I know my dad won't accept if it's not what he's expecting to hear.

Its certainty worth asking if a solicitor would see you together but the solicitor may advise that they can't deal for both parties as its really you (your kids) vs him.

The fact they are estranged and weren't together probably doesn't matter, legally they were still married.

I'm possibly being a bit unfair to my dad. I think if a solicitor says that the will is o.k that a legal spouse can be restricted to a claim on moveable only and he's in no way the legal owner of the flat, he wouldn't start legal action to challenge it. He'd just be convinced they were wrong but he wouldn't go against my mum's wishes.

But the will makes no mention of her flat, just the residue of her estate going to my 4. If my dad has become the legal owner I wouldn't challenge that either.

I think it may well be worthwhile having a chat with a solicitor just to clarify the situation. Also to keep you right with what you need to do as executor, including logging it with the courts (probate?)

I might be talking nonsense but I think your "will" is exactly that. Its your wishes to what happens to your assets after you die. It doesn't actually NEED to contain anybody in the hope that the people whom you omit will respect your last wishes.

In exactly the same way that you have been omitted but are happy to respect the will to leave everything to your kids.
Does she have much in moveable estate that DF can put a claim on?

What I mean is shes left everything to the kids without seperating it between heritable and moveable.

I think I also need the original will which I think might be with the solicitor she used to do it. The Scottish law means my Dad, brother and I have to be given the option to claim our right to the moveable. We of course don't have to take it.

I know she had put some money in a long-term thingy and my brother has found the Building society stuff for it. She'd had one mature and used some of it to get the bathroom done, then reinvested some. Not sure how much tbh my mum was a bit of a nightmare with money. My brother and dad had both given her fair amounts when she'd got into a mess. She could possibly also have some credit cards so that would need to be settled to. I'd be surprised if the moveable was more than 10k.

She disinherited my brother and me because she was unhappy with us tbh. I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt at the time, but I've known for over a year and at least my boys will get something that will be a big help in adult life.

My brother is also going to tell my dad no need to come up on Monday either. One of my dad's brother's is v unwell in hospital atm and my dad is his next of kin (uncle never married, no DC and My dad's other siblings are in care homes, as is this one). My brother will frame it he is most needed for uncle right now.

My dad lives in NE England so his journey to mum's isn't too bad.

Hi
Given your Dad and Brother bailed her out and made sure she was ok moneywise i can understand why they feel disgruntled at being left out.

There might be easier ways to sort it than for them to contest the will.

Just don't make this mistake.
2 sisters Sister A and Sisters B.
Sister A looked after old Auntie. Did all sort of things to help in old age.
But Sister B was goddaughter
Sister B recieved the lion's share in the will Sister A got a token gesture.

A was incredibly hurt and its caused a 10 year rift between A & B

I think it's more of a "status" thing than wanting any money. My dad is very rigid in his thinking so in his mind legal spouse = responsible for everything. If the will is invalid because of whatever reason I can see him distributing to my mum's wishes but he needs to be the one to do that IYKWIM.

My brother has done very well for himself career wise and when he started earning mega £££ my dad was really odd about it. That his son was earning twice as much in his 20's than my dad did at the end of his career really was hard on my dad's ego. Me being executor is a further mind bend for him as I'm the weakest link of the family.

My brother is seen as the voice of sense and calm but I do think the executor stuff is challenging him a bit. Again upsetting the hierarchy. I asked what hotel he's staying in as I was going to try and book up and he was insistent he'll sort it. I'm going along with it but I'm not sure why as I'd just like to get it sorted. Control is a big thing in my family!

But if they were to contest it there's nothing I can do. They are both in a better position financially and I'll let them do what they need to do. It would be them vs the Scottish legal system rather than them vs me.

It's no coincidence my mum's will has set this stuff off. Which was her final wish!

Had a chat with my brother and it seems like my dad is accepting legal spouse doesn't make much difference. They were both civil servants and he'll get a widowers benefit from that. He's now coming up on Thursday.

My brother is being a bit territorial about the flat. My brother is now staying in the flat but was proposing we all stayed in a hotel Thurs-Mon. The parking by my mum's is difficult at best of times but worse at the weekends. As there's a few jobs DH needs to take care of in the flat he'll need access to the van and parking streets away is just a giant faff. I messaged him to say as much and got a slightly odd reply back. I asked him outright if there was a problem with us staying, and he said it was still very dirty. I said we were fine with that and will stay there.

My brother is also staying for a further week after we've gone. He was also suggesting it would be better if we left on Sunday, not Monday. I said no, as we'll have the funeral Friday and hopefully the solicitor and will need Sat and Sun to get all the jobs done. He's going off to her bank on Monday and thinks he'll get information. From what I've read they will freeze the bank account on receipt of the death certificate, but everything else will have to be settled once the will is sorted out. He's also insistent about paying the factors bill but I said it should wait as part of settling her estate but he just won't listen.

Also rather weirdly there is no duvet or bedsheets. My brother thinks my mum may have been sleeping in the living room, presumably she was feeling very rough . Would they have taken the bedding away with her?

Everything you're saying makes perfect sense. And yes i can see why they are both disgruntled.

If your brother hands you the factors bill / receipt I'm sure you can give him the money from the estate. The funeral can also be paid from the estate.

I doubt they would have removed bedding. But maybe depending on what actually happened to your mum. If body fluids had congealed between her and bedding it might have been easier to lift all of it, then clean / seperate at the morgue. I also imagine the police would have needed to rule out suspicions circumstances given the sudden death. That may also have meant taking the bedding.

Rather than guessing why not ask the police and ask where in the house was she found.

Had a few better texts with my brother, though he ignored the one about me speaking to the solicitor. If there's a way to pay back what mum had off them I'd do it without hesitation. But I'm not sure they actually want that tbh.

The GP told my brother that mum had likely died on the sofa then slumped on to the floor, from the report by the police. Exactly the same as her mum.

I just keep thinking about her being alone and I should have told her to go back to the GP when she was feeling rough with the antibiotics. She wasn't great at going. She had a minor heart attack walking along the street about 6 years ago. She debated stopping for a cup of tea, but popped into the GP who immediately rang an ambulance. She was telling them she was fine to walk over (GP is close to the hospital). She rang me and was all cheery saying "don't worry I had a wee heart attack but I'm fine".

She'd also had another incident where she was admitted but told the hospital not to contact anyone. She deteriorated and the nurse rang me. Mum was fine about us being told, and we went up and took DS3 who was still a little baby then. She lit up when she got to see him. She was a difficult woman but she doted on my boys. You could see how surprised she was at how strongly she felt about them IYKWIM.

The falling out between my brother and her was about when she had the serious fall and she was on the floor for a couple of days. Was in a coma for a few days - (she also had Type 2 diabetes). There'd been a bleed on her brain and she was confused but got very upset at the suggestion. She wasn't speaking to me then, so it was my brother and my dad going up to help (she used to have a friendly relationship with my dad). She was assuming my brother would be up to look after when she got out for the duration she needed care, or that he would provide any carers and told the doctors this. My brother said no, he'd be back up but the hospital/SS would need to assess her arrange carers. The doctors said to my mum "there's been some confusion this is what is happening" and my mum got very angry. She took it as my brother telling the doctors she was confused.

She then said my brother had broken her tv and tumble dryer and she rang him at 5am complaining he'd not sent back her credit card (that she'd given him to take in hospital). He lost it at her. She also stopped speaking to my dad for a thoughtless joke he made. It turns out it was my brother that made the joke (when I explained to my dad her reasons) but he was happy not to have any contact with her again and didn't want me to correct her on it.

When I got back in contact with her she acted like we'd never not been speaking. I tried to suggest she and my brother could sort things out as they had always got along best, but she wouldn't hear of it. He also refused to budge, got married and I wasn't to tell her.

So silly, neither of them would have really wanted it to have ended like this. My brother was her golden child, so clever and accomplished. Grammar school, university degree with first a no less. I have a handful of mediocre GCSEs and was a constant source of disappointment.

Wow, ignore all that I was in an odd mood this morning. Woke up thinking about her being alone.
Solicitor is away for 2 weeks going to try and get another one instead. Can foresee this won't go down well with the one my mum used, but even my brother can't hang around for him to be back and we just want to get things started whilst we can.

Its ok your allowed to be upset about things and the crazy fallouts that your family have had.

The important things are that you and your brother manage to support each other throught it.

He must feel hard done by falling out and getting the blame put at his door. When its not really his fault.
From what youve said about him he comes across as a very loving son.

Thanks.

He called me for my thoughts on the funeral. The only thing we weren't feeling the same on was mum's ashes. The crematorium can scatter thrm in their memorial garden but I felt a bit ? like that wasn't right. I think my brother would've preferred that than trying to find an alternative.

My mum had significant mental health issues. She had a major psychotic break when I was 10ish. She had a few minor psychotic episodes and for those I was the nearest (brother lived abroad and travelled a lot). I would look after her and get the immediate help then she'd turn on me. My brother would fly in after and she'd shun me until she'd decided to forgive me. She'd often physically attack me during these episodes. I never held a grudge but neither my dad or brother really supported me. I was expected to bare the brunt of her fury. That was my place.

The last time she went N/C with me was over my brother's birthday. She was planning on forcing him to come to London by booking her ticket without telling him first. He'd changed his plan to be in Glasgow the week before as his close friend was celebrating something there. He would've seen my mum but not me but I was fine with it. I told my brother her plan, he went off on her then she cut my off. Again, he never called her out on it.

My brother found her address books. Last year's had everyone she knew, this year's just me. Maybe I wasn't such an awful daughter at the end.

Ashes, would you want your kids to be there?

Where would your brother like to scatter them?