My mum died and I'm a bit confused about Funeral Directors

[FrayedHem]

I apologise if this is a bit garbled.
I'm in SE England my mum in Scotland. I couldn't get through on the phone and contacted the police who found her dead at her flat today.

The policeman said they'd get a funeral director to contact me to arrange taking the body. This was at around 8pm. I've not heard anything and not sure if I should be trying to chase it up somehow? There's no direct number for the police station and I don't want to tie up the call lines. I think I remember the name of the funeral directors they were going to call, should I call them?

FrayedHem.....

This is so sad. This happened to us. My m-il died. 3wks later my f-il died of a broken heart. We don't know how long he lay dead in the house to begin with. It's all a blur. You have my utmost sympathies.

It will be just a small cremation service. My dad is honestly not coming at this from trying to do good, it's him and his issues with my mum. If I can can get in touch with her 2 friends and I think it's likely one of them would want/may come. My mum definitely did not want a cremation without anyone being there, that I do know for sure.

Probably Friday would be better for us but we'll see what my brother thinks. DH is a heating engineer, just him now his dad has retired. He is booked up for weeks atm. He can and will of course cancel/move work etc but it would work better for us if we could travel up Thurs, funeral Friday weekend sorting out. They go back to school on Tuesday.

As sad as it is i am glad things are working out and you can start to make plans.

I think you might find it easier leaving your 2 DC with ASD at home so you can focus on the funeral and your memory of your mum.

That makes sense. Its what works best for you that matters.

Sorry lots of x-posts and forgetting name checks etc.

Funeral Director says she can book an appt for Monday for brother to register death. He's going to call her to arrange this afternoon. He has flexible working, no children. He'll be going up with his wife who is a lovely woman too. Not sure if my dad is still planning on making an appearance.

My gran (mum's mum) died at home, pretty much similar age to my mum. Think gran was 71, my mum is 70. My mum moved back to Glasgow when she retired, despite living down here for 30 years it was where she felt at home.

I think leaving the DC with in-laws will be best. I know DS4 will struggle without me though. He's very much a mummy's boy (3). My in-laws are a rare breed of wonderful people so I'll know they're well looked after. Probably better than I can do! I think I have a sadness that this is the last relative in Scotland. hard to articulate why, I suppose I'll have no reason to go anymore and I spent many a holiday in my gran's flat.

Best crack on with other stuff.

Thanks all for letting me ramble on xx

You dont need a reason to visit.

Is your brother in Scotland?

Really glad you have the support of your in-laws.

No my brother is also down south though couple hours away from me. Via a few years abroad.

I know we can visit just a different experience to staying with a relative

I understand. How are you today? Yesterday must have been a huge shock.

I'm o.k. Bit wired! Also bit surprised I've cried tbh but I have. Was shocked I must admit and I'd kept saying when I phoned to ask them to check that she may just be ignoring me, may have gone off for a couple of days without telling me. But this time was the time.

Told the children, mixed reactions as expected. Knew my DS2 (11) would take it the hardest. DS1(12 ASD) needs time to process. DS3 (5 ASD) initially ran off saying he hadn't heard a word I was saying. DS4 was just pretty 3 about it. DS3 has since decided he did listen and just reassured him a bit.

Reading the will properly I think I am the executor and my brother is if I don't do it rather than joint. Reads "I appoint my daughter FrayedHem of blah blah address whom failing my son FrayedBro of blah blah address"

Apparently my dad was just assuming I wouldn't be able to come up because of the children. And that I wouldn't care as we didn't get on. Brother did point out I'd spoken to her most week days for the past 2 years since they'd both been cut of by my mum.

The fact my mum went ahead with a will has blown his mind a bit too. My brother agrees dad has real need to control everything. Going to pencil in funeral for Friday. He has booked a hotel as there's a good chance my mum's place is pretty grim and he'll assess and then we can all decide who's staying where etc. I'm talking it takes days to just clear the rubbish out.

Yes that means you are the executor and if your unable then your brother is second choice.

Hotel sounds a good choice. Esp as you'll be trying to clear the house of her belongings.

Is it a council house? The system used to give you 2 weeks free rent to clear it.
Any benefits inc housing stop the day after she died.

This might ruffle my brother's feathers. She had told me thinking about it properly. She didn't want him involved but didn't want to tell the solicitor that.

She owned it outright so will need to sell it. Assuming I'm allowed to as she left everything to my boys. I'd rather sell and put proceeds away. will says til they're 21 rather than renting it out

That at least gives you time to sort things. Id agree that selling makes more sense.
Depending on the usual factors (condition and location) the market is fairly buoyant at thr moment.

It's a lovely 2 bed tenement flat. Might need some modernisation but she'd had the bathroom done last year. Langside which I think is reasonably popular.

Very popular area. Should sell quickly and easily.
I would pop into estate agents and see what they think before you give yourself a headache trying to arrange stuff from the other end of the country.

for you OP.

beta.gov.scot/publications/death-scotland-practical-advice-times-bereavement-revised-11th-edition-2016-9781786522726/

This might be helpful - it’s practical information for when someone passes away in Scotland.

For langside it’ll be snapped up, south side is very popular with young professionals as it’s a decent area but much cheaper than the west end.

My mum mostly grew up in Castlemilk and it seems a bit more fancy than there. Good to know it should sell easily, not too worried about how long it takes but I also don't think it's good for properties to sit empty for too long IYKWIM.

I'm thinking about making an appointment with a solicitor for when we go up. I know Scottish law has a thing about not being able to completely disinherit spouses and children (the moveable assets such as money shares etc) but mum's will makes no mention of moveable assets or heritable estate. I think we can all waive our rights should we wish but I have to get that process done.

Frayedhem I'm so sorry to hear about your mum

Moveable assets includes anything thats not screwed down. So money, jewellery, car, contents of her house.

Heritable is attached to the land ie her house.

I assume the will was written with the help of a Scottish Lawyer?
Is anybody (your Dad or Brother) likely to consider contesting it?

I would agree speaking with a lawyer might be a good idea. Also means you have somewhere to direct the offers for the house and deal with the sale.

Yes, she had it done by a solicitor and I know which one. It was very cheap. It pretty much says "I direct my executors to make over the residue of my estate equally amongst my grandchildren" (then names them). But she also thought she'd done a POA at the same time which never materialised though she was sure it had been so I'm a bit about whether everything's been done properly. But tbh she was still suffering after affects of her fall/coma thing so it's possible she misunderstood the POA process. It definitely wasn't completed.

Don't think they would contest.

That's very kind MsForestier

And thanks to Avoiding DM and TakeaChanseyOnMe too. And anyone I forgot to thank. It's been so nice to be able to ramble on here. Pretty much 24 hours ago I was ringing Dh and my brother with the news. 26 hours ago I will still hoping she was just taking a mood at me and I would be wasting police time.

Its such a shock for you, my Mum died suddenly too. Hope you can get sometime to yourself to grieve. You do what you think best for your Mum and you. People deal with grief so differently. I

About clearing belongings, you might want to ask your brother to wait til you are there. There are things a daughter would want to keep that your brother wont understand

That is a fair point Betty but given the limited time both she and her brother are going to have in Glasgow it might be better to direct him to start clearing the kitchen cupboards.

Op may find the POA papers as you clear the house. I hold POA for a relative but they have all the paper work for it until they actually need me to act. There is also two parts to POA a health relatives part and a financial part.

It must have been a huge shock to deal with. TBH it's probably not really sunk in. Sending you love.

thanks BettyBaggins . Sorry about your mum too.

I'd spoken to my brother about curbing dad's ruthlessness when clearing the flat. We'll be coming up in the transit van. My dad would bin everything. My dad's not going up until Monday now as my brother said there was no point until then. He listens to my brother! The flat will likely be a complete tip. And I don't mean a faux couple of bits here and there. On one of my previous visits up when she was ill DH and I spent days cleaning it. Brother and his wife had the same when they went up a couple of years later. Reckoned it hadn't been cleaned since DH and I had been up. Oh well, no one could accuse her of wasting her life doing housework!

I know she's got a copy of something to do with POA in her flat as she'd left instructions about it in the covering letter she sent me with a copy of her will. Was a continuing and welfare POA. But I'd never signed anything so from what I read I don't think it was done. Doesn't matter now obviously just makes me question the solicitor a bit.

My brother has gone v quiet since I emailed over a copy of the will. I'd been talking of us being joint executors but he will see for himself he is the reserve. It's probably hardest on him. He was so good to my mum and he was her favourite by a country mile for most of our lives. Such a shame she wouldn't back down and it's left like this.

AvoidingDM thanks for all your replies today. It's so kind to give so much time to a stranger like me.

Your most welcome. But thanks for saying thanks.

I wonder if you can only have one executor but there is no reason you can't involve and include your brother with decisions.

Do you think he is likely to have any children in the future?
I'm just thinking maybe it would be nice to put some money aside incase he does have children later. Just a thought xx

I'll include him in everything, for sure. My sense is he wants me to step aside and for him to be the official executor. I will wait and see if he says anything.

Would be extremely unlikely to have any DC. Not that my mum knew that, and I suppose that's an added twist. She was good at those!

xxx