My mum died and I'm a bit confused about Funeral Directors

[FrayedHem]

I apologise if this is a bit garbled.
I'm in SE England my mum in Scotland. I couldn't get through on the phone and contacted the police who found her dead at her flat today.

The policeman said they'd get a funeral director to contact me to arrange taking the body. This was at around 8pm. I've not heard anything and not sure if I should be trying to chase it up somehow? There's no direct number for the police station and I don't want to tie up the call lines. I think I remember the name of the funeral directors they were going to call, should I call them?

Yeah I feel like a little thing with the DC there might be nice. Not exactly sure what/where.

I think as my mum had made no instructions and doesn't have a particular tie to anything/anywhere my brother felt letting the crem/funeral directors deal with the ashes was the best solution. Which is sensible but I just felt uncomfortable about it.

We've got an appt sorted with the solicitor after a lot of faff. Initially told as solicitor away for 2 weeks we'd just have to hand them all mum's paperwork and wait for him to get back. When I spoke to my brother we agreed we both wanted to speak to someone asap. Rang and said we'd need the original will to take elsewhere and suddenly they had a locum available! They still didn't understand why we wanted to speak to someone though.

Got a couple of estate agents coming round. One was incredibly chatty and I was texting my brother as I was on the phone for over 15 mins. We were having a little joke and feel like we've turned a bit of a corner.

My friends family did a small balloon release with children who were too young to attend their GPs funeral. Tied messages to the balloons said a wee prayer and let go.

I doing think I'd do balloons because of the environmental impact. Maybe rose petals into a river or something.

Do you want to be able to visit the place where you scattered her?

FrayedHem Hope all goes well for the funeral. Dealing with all this at a distance from home is hard.

Your DM must have had a favourite place where you could scatter the ashes.

Meant to say glad youve got solicitors booked. Gives you a chance to talk anything through.

Write a list of questions before you go. Or you'll do that daft thing off walking out the door and saying "I should have asked xyz"

Thanks AvoidingDM It doesn't need to be anywhere to visit, it's just finding somewhere that seems right. Her favourite places were her flat and the bingo so that's a no go. She liked the seaside and was supposed to come on a little break with us to one down here, but she got the UTI and was too unwell. Though this is near me it's opposite direction to my brother so I'll see if he has any thoughts.

Thanks derxa. Despite living down south for 30 odd years, she never truly settled so I understood her desire to retire back to home. But it does make things a bit difficult and we're having to be a bit cold and pragmatic to get all the necessary stuff done.

Will definitely do the list - good idea. I'm not overly impressed with the solicitors so far so my brother and I are in agreement to be a united force. He's going to try and book an appt with mum's bank. She must have been getting online statements so we'll need copies to be able to complete some of the forms to get the will confirmation paperwork underway.

I've been in touch with DS1 & DS2's schools to give them a heads up. Had a lovely message back from DS2's as he'll be starting secondary and they've said they'll keep an extra eye on him. DS1 is in a different school as he goes to an ASD base. The TA there emailed me back to say she'd resigned!

I found out my mum didn't die on the sofa. She was in the shower. My brother had assumed the sofa and onto the floor based on food he found on the floor. It was a walk-in shower she'd got so she didn't have to step up at all so a fall unlikely and the GP was confident as can be it was a heart attack. Does explain why the shower doors were removed. But it makes me feel even more sad for her. I asked my brother if the water was still running but he didn't know. And the duvet is there it just didn't have a cover on. TBH not unusual for my mum and I think she was physically struggling with those kind of jobs.

I need to ring the police tomorrow to see if they are ready to release her handbag and purse. We've used the tell us once service for all the pensions/benefits/council tax etc and the bank has also cancelled her direct debits. My brother spoke to insurers and buildings is fine and contents will have another 30 days with full cover then they reduce it due to occupancy. Need to find out what we can do about gas/electric as it needs to be kept heated to stop problems with the pipes. Wonder if they will let us pay until it is sold.

The gas and electric could be transferred into your name for a period.

The 30 days unoccupied insurance rule. Pain in the bum the 30 days will start from when your brother leaves it.🤔
How easy would it be for one of you to spend one night in it every 4 weeks? Or get a house sitter (not ideal) to do the odd night.

Thanks, I'll see what gas and electric say. A big reason we went to sell asap is so it doesn't sit unoccupied through winter. The condensate pipe used to freeze up causing mayhem with the heating and my mum used to have defrost it throughout winter. My husband is going to look to see if he can improve what's there (he is qualified to do so) but ideally it needs someone in daily when the temperature really drops.

One of the agents went round today. He had explained the process about the home buyers report and went and had a quick word with the surveyor. Very positive about a quick sale and for more than we thought, based on the need for modernisation.

Spoke to the police this morning and have arranged for my brother to collect her purse etc from the station. A week ago I was getting concerned. Rang her so many times and called the police at 6pm. When the police called me to say she'd been found dead my husband was still at work. He answered the phone saying "is it quick?" and I said "she's dead".

I've got to get on and get ready for going up tomorrow and the DC to my inlaws. Now seems a good time to draw a line under this thread. Thanks everyone for all the kind messages, help and support. Especially AvoidingDM for reading through my weird ramblings of my family and its dysfunction. I feel my brother and I have got over our odd territorial feelings and are a team. My dad is always going to be an odd one, so I'm going to call him and smooth things over.

I hope having somebody listen has helped.
It probably still seems a little surreal that she is really gone.

The house should sell quickly. A colleague has just sold in the East side of the city. His estate agents advised they have over 100 people looking for flats in the area. Which is cheaper and less desirable than the South side. I think they sold in about a week.

Remember when the offer is accepted thats contact complete. No gazumping or accepting better offers later.

Houses with lots of intrest will go to a closing date. Basically a blind bid all offers are submitted and most desirable (best price / handover date) accepted.

in scotland a will can't disinherit a child or a spouse they are entitled to a minimum of a third ( of moveable estate) for a spouse and a third divided between children so your brother is entitled to a sixth as are you, a scottish solicitor should have advised that you can't disinherit children
the unmoveable estate ie flat can be left how she chose

It really did help AvoidingDM. Mum bought at the peak in 2008 and paid a lot as she really wanted it. We were expecting under what she paid, but it's likely to be more and have heard there is a lot of demand for flats like hers, despite it's need of some tlc.

TeacupDrama thanks, we're aware of the spouse and children laws. There won't be much in moveable tbh. It seems although she put 21 to inherit, the children are legally entitled to their share at 16. This is really not great particularly for my 2 with ASD who will be vulnerable but not to the extent of not having legal capacity. I wish she'd considered the vulnerable position she was putting them in when she was exacting her revenge at my brother and me. But it's too late now.

The money can be held intrust for them until 21 as per her wishes.

When DH and I wrote our wills we were shocked that without an age request it would be 16!!!
Put the money in a trust fund then you are in charge of it. I wouldn't trust a teen with any sort of money.

Another wee tip, the kids maybe entitled to it at 16 but that doesnt mean you need to actually tell them the money exists or that its in trust for them.

Everything I've found says you have to inform them of their legal right and you can't lock it away until 21. I'm hoping to get clarification from the solicitor. I want to honour her wishes but I won't put myself in legal jeopardy over it either.

Speak with solicitor. As it does seem at odds with the 21 request.

Got to mum's yesterday. Solicitors this morning, funeral this afternoon. Flat isn't too bad. Need to try and give the floors a good clean. The cat died a couple of years ago and was having accidents that mum didn't clean up properly so there's an ingrained smell.

My brother wants to use a house clearing service but there's some stuff I'd like. Need to have a proper conversation about it.

Hope the funeral goes ok.
Been thinking about you.

I'd try and clear cupboards yourselves, but I'd consider a clearing company to take the furniture and clear the kitchen.

Thank you, you're so kind.

Well, it's been a long time since I held hands with my brother but we did today.

Went out to dinner tonight with brother, DH my dad and one of my dad's brother. Just about to eat when my dad got a call to say other brother had died. Not unexpected as he was terminally ill and in hospital but a difficult day for my dad. My uncle was a lot like my mum and the only person he would see was my dad.

I'd found the wedding album from his 1st marriage to my mum which had some lovely photos of him and the brother who died. He's not a sentimental man in general but I think the album was a good find for him.

Oh bless your poor Dad. I don't think it matters how old or expected it is loosing a sibling is hard.
I'm glad you and your brother manage to support each other throught it.

Many for you and your family.

Once you’ve chosen what you want to keep, the British Heart Foundation does house clearances. They have a large furniture shop in Patrick.

www.bhf.org.uk/shop/donating-goods/house-clearance

Anything they can’t take, the council does some bulk collections. Or given my experience, leave it on the pavement and it’ll be gone in 10 mins! There’s also council recycling centres, your nearest would be Polmadie. You can dispose white goods etc there.

Thanks AvoidingDM and TakeaChanseyOnMe

We're back home. Took quite a lot of stuff but still huge amounts there. We're really time pressured as my brother needs to get back to where he lives ideally end of the week. Had tried a couple of charities as we're quite keen to be green. But they're not very responsive so now getting quotes from professionals. My brother is going to see if stuff he can carry is of interest to local charities.

My brother's employer asked if he'd like flowers or a donation and he asked for a donation to BHF in mum's memory. There's also a few bits we're going to sell and donate proceeds to BHF x

Gumtree “man with van” might be helpful. That’s what I’ve used for moving (I moved 5 times in 3 years!) and most also do clearances - some might not charge you if it’s something they can sell on easily , saves you the hassle.

www.gumtree.com/p/house-clearance/all-house-clearance-done-just-for-you/1311536489 This is the first person that came up, right area too. No reviews though! I messaged a few and chose who responded quickly.

BHF might be able to collect furniture too.
Although the last time I tried to get them it was a central number and not very helpful.

I ended up calling Shelter who gave me a date / time.

Bit wary of Gumtree type ads. Person local to us ended up with a hefty fine after they used someone who then fly-tipped the lot! Her address was on stuff and she got told it was her fault for not checking they were reputable.

My brother is very green so he'll do his best to get it to a good organisation.

My mum's ashes are ready for collection. My brother is going to call me later in the week to discuss what to do with them. I'm still not sure tbh. I'm not sure he's going to want to take them with him. I wonder if having them couriered is an option?