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Original poster

Would you date a sex offender?

172 replies

RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 13:56

...if the offense was nothing whatsoever to do with children? But was against a female victim, they definitely did it (pleaded guilty, no mitigating factors, no scope for confusion of misunderstanding etc.) and they are on the sex offenders' register.

And no, I'm not considering dating a sex offender, definitely NOT, that's not the capacity in which I'm asking. Although I do have a specific individual in mind when I ask, hence my being semi-specific about the circumstances.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:51

Just as a point of interest, revenge porn isn't actually a sex offence, would you believe? So if anyone claims they're on the register for revenge porn, they're lying.

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 19/08/2018 14:53

I'd say no. Of course there are women who would date a sex offender. The man could not tell them straight away, end up involved, then underplay it. Or they might be open about it and it might be an offence like consensual sex as a teenager for example. The trouble is, there ar a whole range of reasons for being on the sex offenders register. The woman herself might be vulnerable, trusting. Might not be able to equate the offence with the person once they were involved. If you have children with him, do they have contact? I'm assuming that's the reason for you asking. Many women would argue that the offence can't have been "that bad" if he still has contact with his children. (Absolutely NOT my opinion but one I have come across in my work)

lolaflores · 19/08/2018 14:53

Am I wrong in thinking that if a sex offender becomes involved with a new partner the police must inform her? I suppose that only works if he tells.
How are registered sex offenders monitored? Do they have regular probation appointments?
As to the kinds of women involved with them; there is nowt odder than folk. All the women who write to the Yorkshire ripper for example and others lime him.
He also knows the right women to target ao it is possible le he will meet someone. And you can tell her but do not ne surprised if it makes no difference.

MurunBuchstansagur · 19/08/2018 14:53

No.

I know of a married couple the male of which is a convicted paedophile and the stupid wife thinks that because it was only images and organising live webcam abuse of babies and children rather than him actually physically being there it’s ok.

People can be shocking.

PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 14:54

Never. Sorry it happened to you Thanks

BeyondRadicalisationPortal · 19/08/2018 14:55

I'd say surely - stats wise (should they exist) - that the odds of a future partner being a "saver" rather than a sadist are in your favour at least, rat.

I don't know what the odds would be of an internalised-misogynist though...? Depressingly, that one is probably quite high.

Inevereverwanttogohome · 19/08/2018 14:56

Sorry to hear that you have been a vitim of such an offence OP. My father was never convincted of abusing me, but my mother continued to live with him for another 45 years after she found out for the first time. And in fact my brother, who now knows what happened to me, was planning on moving his family into the same house as this vile man.

It sickens me, these are people who would have plenty to say about a 'random' rapist, and would agree that they were vile people who should be locked up, but because it happens in the family they sweep it under the carpet.

So no, I would never give the time of day to someone who had committed a sex offence.

Have you had any counselling or support btw? Flowers

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:57

Jesus Murun that's terrible! What must she be telling herself in order to make that feel okay?? It must be agony every day convincing yourself of that.

OP posts:
DextroDependant · 19/08/2018 14:57

Ok I am going to be honest here.

I have dated a man who I knew had just served 10 years in prison for shooting someone. I have dated a man who was on bail awaiting trial for domestic abuse of his ex and I have dated drug dealers.
So not a sex offender but pretty horrible people.

The reason I dated these people wads because I lost my mum as a young child, was abused by my stepdad, fostered and homeless as a teen and then married a man who hit me, a lot.

So my self esteem was on the floor. I thought these men were all I was worth.
Mixed up in that was my need to rescue people. I wanted to be the understanding person who could make a difference to these men. I knew how hard life could be and wanted to help people.
I also wanted a man who could protect me and was someone who commanded respect and in my fucked up mind that's what these guys were.

So if you are asking about the type of woman because you have a child and are wondering what kind of person will be in their life in future.... I wouldn't be a danger to your child, I am not evil I just had real self esteem issues and felt I was worthless. I am kind, funny, generous and very loving so would be nice to your child.

(I have worked on myself a lot btw and wouldn't date anyone like that now.)

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:58

I'd say surely - stats wise (should they exist) - that the odds of a future partner being a "saver" rather than a sadist are in your favour at least, rat.

Phew! Of course you're right, it just makes me feel better to hear someone else say it.

OP posts:
DancingDot · 19/08/2018 14:58

I would agree that there are absolutely shades of grey in sexual offences. The case up thread about the thirteen year old child having a lifetime inclusion on the sex offenders register for smacking a teachers arse is ludicrous. Particularly when you consider the disgustingly poor sentences that adult rapists and sex offenders receive.

OP - the kind of person who would date a sex offender:

  • someone who has been abused
  • someone who believes that they are special and can change the offender
  • someone who has been lied to

Every day women get into relationships with men (and vice versa) who tell them tales of their previous relationships...they are never the bad guy. We believe what we want to believe and if we have already fallen for someone then cognitive dissonance allows us to forget/minimise/disbelieve any of the bad stuff. I would say that this does not necessarily make that women a BAD person or a threat to those you love. Wait until it happens and then think about how you want to deal with it, but for now concentrate on your physical and mental well being and give your attacker as little of your mental energy as you possibly can. Flowers

Isleepinahedgefund · 19/08/2018 14:58

I wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole myself. If the offence was admitted, it means they definitely did it (because why would you admit it if it didn’t?). I can’t excuse that sort of behaviour whatever the circumstances - if it’s bad enough that they were prosecuted, it’s bad enough for me to avoid them.

I wonder if he’d be up front about it, or try and conceal it?

However: I’m always surprised what people will excuse - he’s changed, and the victim was a mad psycho stalker devil bitch woman that made him do it and framed him etc etc, I think I’ve heard it all now. Just think about the number of people you hear about on mumsnet whose partners have evil psycho ex’. I’ve heard of people having their children taken away from them because they had got into a relationship with a convicted paedophile and they refused to stop the relationship, effectively choosing the offender over their own children.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but honestly I don’t think he will spend his life alone either.

ferrymeoff · 19/08/2018 14:59

He may eventually find someone who may be young a has low self-esteem. He will have to pay throughout his life in many ways but as his victim, you will be changed by it also.
I think that men who commit these offences do not get to do their time and walk away as they did years ago. Women are in my opinion the far stronger sex now.

MsFrosty · 19/08/2018 14:59

Nope never ever ever

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:59

Dextro thank you so much for your post, but I'm so very sorry for what you had to go through to be able to write it. You have my utmost respect for how far you've come in your life.

OP posts:
DancingDot · 19/08/2018 15:00

Dextro Flowers

BeyondRadicalisationPortal · 19/08/2018 15:00

I guess the trouble is - in the hypothetical situation it's someon you have children with and they meet a "saver" - that they would then be modelling that behaviour to your DC. So maybe there isn't a less bad outcome here? That's also quite depressing.

Trethew · 19/08/2018 15:00

Tripping one in three adult males in UK has a criminal record. How will you know?

ClashCityRocker · 19/08/2018 15:01

No, I wouldn't.

However, I know it isn't the same thing exactly, but someone close to me was convicted of a sex offence involving a minor.

What surprised me was the amount of people who said 'Yeah, it was wrong but...' and then made a load of excuses for him.

I'm obviously NC with the individual involved and very very lc with those who defended him.

But it did make me think that there's a lot of people out there who can justify such vile behaviour when it's someone they care about or think they love.

So I can quite imagine that if it does come up later on in the relationship, a fairly naive partner's eagerness to think the best of him, plus his' spin' on events may be enough to mean that they don't end things.

DextroDependant · 19/08/2018 15:06

Thanks, I don't dwell on the past, it is what it is but I felt you needed someone like me to be honest and speak up.

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 15:06

What surprised me was the amount of people who said 'Yeah, it was wrong but...' and then made a load of excuses for him.

Yep, I hear this sort of thing all the time! I can see why people do it though, in their minds there has to be a scale from "worst possible thing you could do" all the way down to "almost insignificant". it's depressing though how far people will downgrade things though simply because it makes their own lives easier....

OP posts:
Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 15:07

I really did Dextro, thank you so much.

OP posts:
Aaaahfuck · 19/08/2018 15:08

No flat out!
My feminist values are so important to my belief system. I'd honestly feel like I was letting women down especially women who are their victims like op. I know that sound dramatic but it's almost like condoning it.

Even if they were massively remorseful I'd think about what they'd done and also worry about how their view of women could change so fundamentally from being a sex offender to being an equal part on a relationship.

So sorry this happened to you op x

0ccamsRazor · 19/08/2018 15:08

No, because I would not wish to be a resident of her majesty hoteliers for cutting his cock off.

Male violence is one thing that makes my blood boil.

CatchingBabies · 19/08/2018 15:08

Absolutely no way! However some women do seem to excuse this behaviour. When my friends partner attempted to sexually assault me in my sleep, and was caught and stopped by my friend she chose to cut contact with me and marry him. I guess my snoring self did something somehow to make it my fault.

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