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Original poster

Would you date a sex offender?

172 replies

RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 13:56

...if the offense was nothing whatsoever to do with children? But was against a female victim, they definitely did it (pleaded guilty, no mitigating factors, no scope for confusion of misunderstanding etc.) and they are on the sex offenders' register.

And no, I'm not considering dating a sex offender, definitely NOT, that's not the capacity in which I'm asking. Although I do have a specific individual in mind when I ask, hence my being semi-specific about the circumstances.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:23

Hasn't been sentenced yet Crunchy, but I think it can be up to two years. And no, there's no new relationship for him... but (oh, I can't even say the words!) I have good reason to be interested in what sort of person will be in his life in the future. I won't be able to avoid it when it happens.

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Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:23

Exactly Aridane!

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BigBlueBubble · 19/08/2018 14:23

There have been cases where a man has had consensual sex with a girl who claimed to be over 16, who turned out to be under age, and the man has plead guilty to statutory rape and got put on the sex offenders register. I might consider dating someone who that had happened to. But I absolutely would not go anywhere near someone convicted of a violent non consensual attack. Nobody in their right mind would!

AnnieOH1 · 19/08/2018 14:24

Surely it depends on what point someone finds out? I doubt the guy would be totally upfront at the beginning. So two people meet, fall in love yada yada - then at some point he drops that bombshell. Can we all really say we'd walk away whatever? I mean yes if it's the opening conversation "hi I'm John from Tinder, oh and btw I'm on the sex offenders register" will elicit similar responses and most if not all women would go "no" and walk out. But after a few months or even years of getting to know someone?

BeyondRadicalisationPortal · 19/08/2018 14:25

There are probably a few that are unaware though, Ariadne...

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/08/2018 14:25

That’s good to hear RatRolyPoly

Re: future partners and what you’ve hinted at I’m assuming relevant authorities are aware of him and are keeping an eye on him/those close to him who could potentially be vulnerable?

But I agree with PPs that he’ll have his sob story sorted, that there’ll be women who naively want to ‘save him’ and ultimately that it is not your burnden to protect them from him - you already did that by reporting him.

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:26

I'm sorry to hear it's become a noose around your neck WhyDid, thank you for your answer.

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NoSquirrels · 19/08/2018 14:26

Oh Rat I think I understand what you’re saying and I’m very very sorry.

As a PP says - you actually don’t have any further obligation to any woman he dates. But I can imagine this not being a position you want to embrace. So I guess then the only thing is that it must be clear to whoever he dates that he is a sex offender - he needs to be honest about that.

What that person chooses to do with the ‘story’ he tells them is up to them, I suppose. And you’d need to detach yourself from anything further.

Livinglavidal0ca · 19/08/2018 14:26

No I wouldn’t.
I don’t even think I’d date someone who’s ex said they were abusive in any form. They may be lying but I’m absolutely not taking that risk.

heartsease68 · 19/08/2018 14:27

I wouldn't knowingly.

But I think many women are with men who have sexually offended, without knowing.

OkMaybeNot · 19/08/2018 14:27

Absolutely not. No. Never.

I know a few women who have though. They're usually young and easily manipulated.

OurMiracle1106 · 19/08/2018 14:29

If my partner had been 16/17 and slept with a 15 year old and charged with it then possibly. I would want to speak to the female involved and confirm she knew what she was doing and consented etc but that I think is forgivable

Rape/sexual assault etc no way in hell. I’d rather die old wrinkled and alone.

Sandstormbrewing · 19/08/2018 14:29

Would depend. I was involved (though my work) with a 13yo sex offender - he slapped a female teacher on the bottom. I was present at the court case and that is exactly what he did. Pleaded guilty and got a 12 month suspended sentence and lifetime sex offender registration - seemed harsh to me but I wasn't the judge. It was stupid, immature prank and I don't think the rest of his life should be defined by it. So in that circumstance, yes I would. But if the offence was committed as an adult then I wouldn't.

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2018 14:30

But after a few months or even years of getting to know someone?

Annie I’d still walk. If someone withheld such a big bit if their past from me for so long, I’d consider them highly manipulative. I would no longer trust them, and trust is everything.

Crunchymum · 19/08/2018 14:30

I don't want to pressure you and you don't need to disclose anything you don't want to but is there something specially you worry about with any future partners? Like him having a child and abusing the child?

Reading between the lines - and I may be way off the mark - there seems to be something quite specific you are concerned about? Like he's already told you he'll do it again?

As others have said it is not your responsibility to protect everyone, you are playing your part by getting this bastard convicted. You can't control his future though. You can only control your own Flowers

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:30

Yes, all the relevant authorities will be doing their thing thatwould, as much fun as that's going to be. You're right, not my burden... I think I was just hoping that the sort of person, far from being in the "amoral, heartless, selfish, couldn't care less what's happened to other women" brigade, that they might in fact be from the "eternally optimistic, believes people can change, naive, idealistic, sweet, trusting" camp. You can imagine why I might like to imagine whoever they are will be in the second rather than the first. Funny old times.

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NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 19/08/2018 14:30

I'm sorry it happened to you Rat. All you can do is protect yourself and be open and clear boundaries with your nearest and dearest.

In most cases when it comes to sex crimes it's their mindset. It's not like shoplifting where you can teach them it's not good or healthy. It's how they view people and society so changing their viewpoint is often not likely as its ingrained, primal.

Bluelonerose · 19/08/2018 14:31

I know someone who had a baby with a sex offender a year after he was released from prison Shock

I do wonder what goes through some people's minds.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/08/2018 14:31

No amount of money would convince me to date a sex offender.

If he can do it to one woman, what's to stop him doing it to someone he lives with.

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:32

No crunchy, it's not that. I just wonder what sort of person will be in the lives of those that are closest to me.

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Popchyk · 19/08/2018 14:35

I am really sorry that happened to you, Rats. I also think you've done a whole lot by reporting him and seeing him convicted. You've more than done your bit.

And no, I would never go near anyone convicted of a sexual offence.

However, I'll bet that the person in question doesn't mention it until the woman is reeled in after a lot of dating, and even then they'll minimise the offence.

Reading between the lines, if you have a child with this person, or are going to have a child with this person, then I'd be doing everything in my power to ensure that the child has no relationship with their father.

I wish you all the best. Flowers

ShadyLady53 · 19/08/2018 14:35

Ok...so having been in an abusive relationship when I was younger (not sexually but emotionally), he was charming and wonderful and I fell in love. And then I found out he was abusive and he repeatedly hurt me and I stayed with him for another 8 months against family and friends advice. Because I was in love. I was brainwashed. I’d been abused before. It felt like home. If he’d have told me he’d raped a woman God knows maybe I would have stayed with him and continued making ludicrous excuses. I almost ended up in a relationship straight after with a sexual predator who groomed me for a year. He was older, acted as a rescuer to me, appeared to be a very caring trustworthy individual. It was just fate that stepped in and prevented him from actually forcing intercourse upon me. I doubt I even would have reported him. I just would have blamed myself. He’s been doing it for years to women via his work and will never be even charged with anything because of how he operates. He’ll always be safely under the radar.

Now, I’ve done loads of healing work/therapy so the minute there is even a small red flag I am out. Hence the fuck no in my first response.

But to answer your query, the kind of woman/girl who might give him a chance would most likely be someone who was very vulnerable, little to no self esteem, young or lacking in maturity, easily manipulated and most likely a previous victim, raised in an abusive home, never having really experienced a safe relationship or environment.Very sad state of affairs all round and I’m sorry for your own experience.

Crunchymum · 19/08/2018 14:35

Was this a relative Rat ??

Crunchymum · 19/08/2018 14:36

Sorry OP don't even answer.

I am crossing boundaries now. Forgive me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/08/2018 14:36

No, not in a million years. What's tragic is that some women ask themselves this question (if they even bother) before dating said offender.

Violence against women is unforgiveable and those perpetrating it need to have no further access to women.