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Original poster

Would you date a sex offender?

172 replies

RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 13:56

...if the offense was nothing whatsoever to do with children? But was against a female victim, they definitely did it (pleaded guilty, no mitigating factors, no scope for confusion of misunderstanding etc.) and they are on the sex offenders' register.

And no, I'm not considering dating a sex offender, definitely NOT, that's not the capacity in which I'm asking. Although I do have a specific individual in mind when I ask, hence my being semi-specific about the circumstances.

Thanks!

OP posts:
MorningsEleven · 19/08/2018 14:08

No.

Someone was raped in my house by two men in front of her young daughter. One of them now has a wife and child of his own. He's also related to a neighbour so he's around the place and he sickens me. I cannot understand how his partner can go there.

I should maybe add that I'm probably prejudiced because one of my oldest friends works with sex offenders who frequently threaten to find his wife and attack her.

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:08

Ah, that's alright NoSquirrels, thank you.

OP posts:
BeyondRadicalisationPortal · 19/08/2018 14:09

Not a chance in hell!

I can only presume that the woman either thinks he "made an innocent mistake" and is being unfairly made to pay for it Hmm or worse - that you somehow "deserved" it?! Shock Angry

continuallychargingmyphone · 19/08/2018 14:10

No one will admit to it here is the thing op

WhyDidIEatThat · 19/08/2018 14:10

Oh it was a disaster, 10/10 do not recommend (we’re still married around 25 years later but only technically). Sorry that happened to you. 💕

Flowerylampshade · 19/08/2018 14:11

Often women who grew up with violence or abuse and have low self worth. Who think they aren't worth anything and so end up with men like that.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 19/08/2018 14:13

No.

I think in many ways people can change; we grow and learn and modify ourselves and we're always evolving.

However in our basic moral, human code, I don't believe we can change. We don't grow in terms of morals and kindness; either we're kind and considerate or we're not. We might have more patience, more integrity, more empathy now than when we were young, but in terms of our basic human instincts they're set in stone and if you're capable of assaulting or raping another human being, I can't allow you to be part of my world because rape and assault are conscious choices and there must always be a part of you capable of repeating those actions, however well you might mask them.

Racecardriver · 19/08/2018 14:13

Categorically no. Plenty of no rapists out there. Why would I?

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:14

That's true continually, although I wish people would if there's any way they think they might be able to imagine overcoming it. I honestly wouldn't jump on them - I'm not usually the sort. I just... I just really want to know what people might think would matter about it - if anything. In the past there was a guy in a social group I was a part of. It later turned out he was on the register and we kicked him out, but some members of the group thought that was harsh as his offence was exposing himself or something similar, and he claimed he'd tried to drunkenly have a piss. So people must exist out there who think there are shades of grey.

OP posts:
BeyondRadicalisationPortal · 19/08/2018 14:15

I have an acquaintance who agreed to a plea bargain, getting sexual assault (and a spell on the register) downgraded to common assault. I stay as far away from them as possible as they make my skin crawl, so there is really not the tiniest chance I'd date someone with evidence definite enough to get a conviction. Bleugh.

Is this theoretical rat, or is someone actually dating the scum now? Flowers

GoldenEvilHoor · 19/08/2018 14:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

continuallychargingmyphone · 19/08/2018 14:16

I will be totally honest then

If they had a conviction no

If I found out that they had done things in the past but had not been in trouble with the law ... maybe. I don’t know.

continuallychargingmyphone · 19/08/2018 14:16

But I am sorry rats Flowers

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:16

...what about it if wasn't rape or assault, or an offence where the victim was actually present so to speak? Okay, so I'm being really cagey here, but I don't know how else to pursue this line of questioning.

OP posts:
PasstheStarmix · 19/08/2018 14:17

Never in a million years, who on earth would?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/08/2018 14:17

Ah RatRolyPoly I’m so sorry Thanks

I’ll be honest, do you think you may need some counselling? I could totally understand not wanting a sex offender to have a ‘happily ever after’ but I hope you’re not obsessing over this/him - he doesn’t deserve a second thought from you.

Bombardier25966 · 19/08/2018 14:17

I'd say it depends, because I won't entirely write someone off because of their past. Can't be any more definitive because it really does go down to the individual and the circumstances.

(And in no way would I be blaming the victim.)

Worth keeping in mind how many sexual offences go unreported. All those that insist they wouldn't consider it, how do you know you're not already with an offender?

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2018 14:18

Is he A Charming Man, Rat? Some women will be sucked in, if he’s manipulative enough.

I’m sure he has a narrative he’s worked on to explain it - involving humility, shame, was a different person, personal things from his past/childhood/trauma that ‘made’ him do it, how he’s a different person now, consumed by guilt etc.

I’d still walk away but I know many wouldn’t. Some people want to ‘save’ men like this, be the redeemer.

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:18

No-one's dating them Beyond, but if I have vested interests in whoever may do so in the future on account of... well, you can imagine what would keep a man and a woman in each other's lives indefinitely.

OP posts:
Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:18

You're right NoSquirrels, and yes, he is and would say all of those things.

OP posts:
ASAS · 19/08/2018 14:19

Roly, you must remember it's not your responsibility to protect every future possible partner of this guy. You have done more than enough for us by getting him convicted and registered. There is inevitably going to be a "cool chick" who comes along and makes a life with him. That's not your responsibility.

Take care.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 19/08/2018 14:19

99% no.

If they were now 30 and flashed someone at 16/17/18 then I probably would.

But if it was assault/rape/inappropriate touching/revenge porn etc then not a chance in hell.

I did that as a teen and still have an unhealthy relationship with men and sex so definitely wouldn't risk it again.

Original poster
RatRolyPoly · 19/08/2018 14:20

Counselling is bang up there on the agenda thatwould, along with aaaaalllllll the drugs!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 19/08/2018 14:21

Sorry to hear you were the victim OP.

Are you talking hypothetically or has this man started a new relationship?

Sorry for how rubbish this sounds [I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it] I am guessing it wasn't one of the more "serious" sex charges? (as you don't mention a prison sentence). I'm not minimising your experience, but I assume the man in question has completely minimised it and made excuses etc... or he doesn't disclose it?

Aridane · 19/08/2018 14:22

Well - unless those on the Register remain alone for life, some women are dating them!

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