Hilarious FB stealth boasts

[lovelyjubilly]

'I feel so guilty! I have taken my children out doing fun activities every day of the summer holidays so far for the past 3 weeks and today we are having a day at home. I feel so bad that they're going to be bored! Anyone else feeling guilty about having a day at home?'

Any other gems?

I have a one of these people, I'm not going to lie, I keep her in there for gems such as these..

How frustrating! I've got to buy another new wardrobe worth of clothes because I've lost a stone from running after the kids! 🙄"

Oh no! Hubby brought size 8 joggers to the hospital for me to wear home but they're huge, best go get the size 6 skinny jeans instead. #fail #babybloos #bubzndhubz- this one was the day after she gave birth.

Ffs! Flew all the way to Brazil and our holiday home hasn't been cleaned yet #nawtycleaners! #holidayzzz #homeawayfromhome #fail

Mate! I can't even walk down the road without being told I'm gawjus! - I just wanna get to work! #blondehair #workingurrl

I like the honest posts from my friends about drinking wine and just wishing someone happy birthday. All the fakeness gets really irritating.
Someone else I know posts about how her man has just done Some thing hilarious and shes 'dead' 'can't even' and all that shit when we all know he's a boring twat. Then she tags him, he immediately comments and it goes on. I picture them sitting in the living room staring at their phones. I bet not one laugh had been had that eve between them.

ROFL I can hardly type - and yet miraculously manage to do so.

There is a mum at school and everyone calls her HashtagJill . I don’t know if she knows but her posts are utterly ridiculous. Every post (and they’re done several times a day) have about 50 hashtags #bestlife #bff #kids #oldesttoyoungest #blueandgreen #summer #water . HOW CAN SHE BE ARSED?

There’s another mum though who has literally taken her kids to the park twice and museum once Over the holidays. I know because she documents everything. When the schools went back this week she posted a big long monologue about how they’d squeezed so many fab days out in to the last 7 weeks.

"Ooo I'm so nervous, this is the first time I'm taking the kids to our apartment in Spain for the ENTIIIRE holidays! Poor (husband's name) stuck at home working (sad face).
Wish me LUUUUUUCK everyone!"

And some people actually did wish her luck. Because, you know, having the kids running around an apartment in Spain, and the communal pool, instead of in the 5 bed detached, is such a hardship.

Not so much boasting but I’ve got one one who bangs on all the time about her crystals and their mood changing and calming effects and their healing powers etc.
No, wearing your shitty amber necklaces won’t make me ‘so relaxed’ and give me the ‘best nights sleep ever’ so I can wake up ‘refreshed and full of energy for the kids’ etc etc blah blah blah.

"Me new car has so many new controls, it's going to take me months to work out what they are all for"

Well buy one with less then you utter moron.

Ask her why she doesn't just leave it by the Dior

Thaegun we hav one of them at our school too. I am so glad the schools holidays are over and I don’t have to see it again till the October week

I’d forgotten my favourite Instagram post from Mrs #playingintgetop2%. She recounted the story of seeing a homeless man outside M and S and how grateful it made her feel for her wonderful life. #blessed accompanied by a photo of her M and S salmon salad

Horrible. Making someone's elses misfortune about them. My friend did that posted how she had seen a person knocked over and how it had ruined her day, she had been close to tears all day and felt really sad. Bet the bloody person knocked over felt worse. Also she didn't stop to help or provide witness statements. Actual bell ends were commenting sympathy for her, and not the victim too.

Same person posted about fuming that work colleague with the flu was so selfish to come in Ill. (I doubt she had the flu) and how she was spending an anxiety ridden week petrified of her germs that would ruin her birthday weekend if she got ill. Again the bell end crew were flocking asking how she was and had she noticed any symptoms. Talk about egotistic

I wish I could contribute but I have blocked all my fauxbookers

No one I know does this. I wish they did, it would keep me entertained. It would be like a year round version of Christmas round robins which are always a hoot.

If nobody you know does it... maybe you're the one doing it!

(joking) x

fauxbookers
I like that!

Might adapt it to BoreFookers

Oh I've got a few of these people. I keep them for the comedy value, and one who we go and blag free stuff. Have a couple of them on snap where they are even worse for the boasting.
It's awesome.
The endless posts about my new car.
The holidays - screenshots of the next holiday, when they are on holiday - I'm surprised he hasn't unfriended me yet, as I do comment and say things like awesome another place to avoid. Clearly, its crap considering you have booked your next one.
The basket screenshots of shoes or whatever in various colours because how is a guy supposed to decide (holiday guy).
The endless shots of designer gear.
The strategically placed drinks etc.

The strategically placed stuff is really, really easy to do. One of the boasters and myself went out and went into the high-end stores. Very easy to blag free champagne and stuff. Nothing is spent and you have your pictures The boaster posted as if legit. I posted about blagging free shit haha.

Then there's the Merc guy. Constantly going on about the merc. It's not his. It's his dads. You have to really know the family though to be aware of who owns what.

I was caught out by thinking peoples online life was there really life. Until I ran into a friend (but not close friend) in b and q. Her toddler was having a meltdown, she was trying to buy some taps but didn’t know what she needed and was crying down the phone to her husband who was at work and shouting. Basically a crap day. I was totally sympathetic, we’ve all been there. We had a coffee and fed the kids chocolate biscuits.
Then I saw her Facebook that evening. Basically saying she had refitted the bathroom as a surprise to her husband, just because she was on maternity leave didn’t mean she couldn’t get things down. It was surreal, so mad that I checked my own sanity. Now I love her posts and try and guess what the reality is.

i love them. I have one who is obsessed with letting people know how luxurious and expensive her holiday is.

Things like:

“FINALLY on our way to our holiday with my lil family. Bit worried we’re not going to be posh enough for the five star hotel!”

followed by (pic of the suite, her designer handbag in shot, feet up, wine in hand)

“Turns out we fit in just fine #premium #fivestar #luxury #homeawayfromhome”

The best was when she posted loads of pictures of a quite admittedly stunning resort, all from the outside to show off the gorgeous location and view and commenting endlessly about how lucky she was and how they were living their best luxury life - only for her sister to spill that she didn’t stay there, she stayed in the much cheaper hotel up the road!

Many years ago in the early FB years, a lady I knew wanted an item I had, so I dropped it in, she invited me in for a cup of tea. Well I was astounded. The pristine house of the FB photos was not! Now I think my house is pretty scummy I don't do enough cleaning but it's only a bit of dust, hers looked like it wasn't cleaned for months. The kids pictures stuck on the walls were just kids picturesof paint splodges NOT the very good ones that actually looked like something when put on FB. (Did she do them herself?) The home-bakes? Straight from the supermarket with a bit of icing drizzled on. The kids? Youngest really could NOT talk but was supposed to have a 500 word reportoire. Oldest (nearly 8) was supposedly a maths wizz like her dad - couldn't work out how many pieces of 'home bake without the drizzle icing' would be left after we'd all had a piece (she was told to hand them out). The no electronic games regime ? Out of the window they each had one. Only wooden toys Steiner style play? Nah plenty of plastic lurking behind the wooden rainbows. Organised mum had plenty of time to sit with a glass of wine and read a book of an evening? All the home cooked food no ready meals? All a lie in a photo.

I was once a member of a parenting FB group. One woman posted to say that she was sobbing, beyond devastated, didn’t know what to do. Cue lots of “come on hun, we’ll be able to suppprt you” type answers.

Eventually she pulled herself together to post that “BOTH my daughters are GIFTED!”

I have a husband and wife duo on Facebook who stealthboast constantly. She posts photos up all the time of them sitting in first class. They holiday a lot so we get it by now that they fly first class. She takes photos of every meal in every expensive restaurant and hashtags every holiday #babynameseestheworld.

He shares links every time they sell a car they're upgrading. 'If anyone's looking for a nice bmw, we're selling ours'. You've got an ad online, do you need to try to sell it to your friends?!
Recently he posted that he was selling part of his wine collection and would offer it to his Facebook friends before putting it up for auction. Some of it was very average wine. Why would I not just pop over to the bottle shop for a $10 wine?!

Another one is a woman that writes random twee ramblings about her kids every day. Some of it makes no sense. A few examples -
"when 'Child1' met 'child2', hearts exploded everywhere"

"honey goes to preschool: he blew me a kiss and waved goodbye through the window - and I could just about see his tiny heart beating through his chest, while mine broke into a million pieces"

it was exactly this time, one year a go that "the night-wind whispered 'life will never be the same'" and my contractions began. then, 3.5 hours later in the still and peace of the early morning this beautiful boy was born. and so it goes...

Sometimes I want to write what are you on about love? I think she tries to be poetic but so often it's just rambling nonsense.

It's so rude to boast! Hadn't anyone taught these people anything about not being a cringey twat!?

homersimpson I have a friend who posts in a similar vein. Her heart is always skipping a beat, exploding or bursting at the sight of her children, I'm surprised she's not a permanent fixture at the cardiology clinic.
She's a nice, normal woman in real life but by God, she posts some drivel on FB and Instagram. Several times daily.

I have two 'friends' who are literally half the women on FB. They photoshop/edit their pictures so much.

Fine, each to their own but when I met up with one of them recently I very nearly didn't recognise her

I keep one who is always bragging about ‘shredding for the wedding’, her ‘perfect little family’ and her ‘gorgeous’, ‘generous’, ‘kind’, ‘caring’, ‘fiancé’, busy social life etc. She posts selfies of them out on date nights and photographs his presents to her on birthdays and Christmases to show how generous he is etc.
Another has some absolute cringeworthy friends who post creepy crawly comments on her stealth boast posts.