My boyfriend has started hitting me when angry

[adoggymama]

Hi everyone, I was debating on making this post as it's not so severe that I would call it abuse but I'm scared it could get worse if you see what I mean?

Recently my boyfriend, when angry or when I've annoyed him (eg 5 mins ago I gave the dog a biscuit and he got annoyed because the dog should only be given biscuits when being good and he grabbed an empty pillow case (with sharp zipper on it) and slapped me round the leg with it) he is stronger than me and it obviously hurt- now with a red leg mark and raised bump with blood from the zipper catching it.

I love him and there has always been an element of 'pain' in our sexual relationship, which I like to some degree. (Eg spanking/choking/hair pull) but this past weekend he's hit me 3 times. Twice with his hand on my bare legs that left marks.

He's never done this before but is under pressure at the moment with work so I guess he's more testy. I was just joking around those times and he got angry and then lashed out.

Anyway I just wanted to get some other peoples opinions as I can't talk to anyone in my personal life if you know what I mean.

Thanks

This is the most pointless thread ever.
Why ask for people's opinions?
Everyone kniws your in danger yet you think he is lovely, under pressure, etc.
it's just how a parent would hit a naughty child so that's how you want to continue to be treated.
FWIW decent parents dont hit children. However he has given you a warning how your future children with him will be treated if they are ' naughty
Of course your parents woukd 'blacklist' him Any caring parent would. I bet they would be horrified if they knew.
I really do hope you are trolling us and thus isnt real.

He’s nice 99 per cent of the time except for the 1 people cent when he murdered me.
Come on op.
The dog biscuit thing smacks of control as well.
Get rid.

What would I do? Run for the hills with the dog.
I read something someone posted on here once which I think is applicable to your situation.
If, for instance, he's nice 99% of the time, think of your life as a cup of coffee. Would you still drink it with 1% of shit in it ?
Do yourself a favour and pour him down the drain.

I would NEVER tolerate any kind of behaviour like that from him.

Sounds approach, @Babdoc , please stop tolerating it for yourself. Right away.

an element of 'pain' in our sexual relationship, which I like to some degree
"to some degree" sounds more like he enjoys it and you put up with it. Not right.

Abusers are not abusive all the time otherwise people would not stay with them.

He is MANIPULATING you.

He is HURTING you.

He is gradually ESCALATING what you allow him to do.

The fact you cannot discuss it with another person irl tells me he is ISOLATING you.

The PUPPY is a way of keeping you with him (other abusers have children with their victims).

Please get yourself in a position to leave him and contact the police if he makes unwanted contact because he is likely to try and win you back.

So if 'only' hitting you 3 times doesn't make you want to end the relationship, what line does he have to cross to make it abuse in your eyes?
Facial bruising?
Stitches required?
A broken bone?

Ask yourself why you cant tall to people in real life about this.

Its because you know it's wrong, you know it's serious, you know its abuse and you know he is doing something very wrong. You are protecting him. Start protecting yourself instead. Leave. And tell everyone why.

Oh OP he has groomed you into being conditioned to think this ok and that leaving would be an overreaction.

Firstly with the sex stuff Im sure you started with the spanking but I bet he went to choking which is a huge red flag (and no isnt normal)

Secondly 3 hits in one weekend is escalating and escalating fast

Everyone is saying leave

My mother has always drilled this piece of advice into me since I can remember:
If a man raises his hand to you, you walk out the door and don't ever go back.
Please take her advice. Go to your parents. Tell your parents. Do not become some man's punching bag because you think you are in love. Find someone else to love who respects and cares for you and is never, ever aggressive towards you.

"he always says it wasn't that hard, it's not like he's punching me and that I wound him up on purpose and it's just how a parent would hit a naughty child"

1. It's not acceptable for parents to hit their children.
2. He's not your parent and you are not a naughty child
3. He's blaming you for his violence.
4. He says it's not that hard, it's not like he's punching you. FFS!

It's not up to him to decide what's acceptable to you. You don't like it, you've asked him to stop, he hasn't and now he's minimising the seriousness and upping the frequency of these attacks.

Take control over your own life and leave.

And just to be clear, it won't get better, it won't stop, he won't change. You asked him to stop and he didn't, because he doesn't care enough about you. He doesn't care that you've been hurt, or that you're upset. So why are you bothered about him?

If I asked my husband to stop doing something that I didn't like, he would, even if he thought I was unreasonable.

You sound very young and naive. Hence asking for advice on how you can limit the regularity of his outbursts, that he's such a great guy 99.999999% of the time etc

I cannot believe you're even contemplating having children with him.

You'll stay with him and in ten years time when you're older and wiser you will think back to this thread and wish you had listened.

This is just the beginning...please get out now before you are one of those posters on MN who are trapped in a violent marriage, lost their independence,with kids and no way out.

Don't stay with someone who hurts you, you are worth more than that.

Leave him, things will only get worse.

Please don't leave the puppy alone with him, if he hits you, goodness knows what he will do to the pup.

Good god. Leave him. You’ve accepted him hitting you (by staying, no matter what you’ve said) so he’ll keep doing it. Take the dog and go back to your parents. This is ludicrous.

You can either leave now and move on quickly or you can wait for it to get worse and for him to erode your self esteem.

Why are you defending him so much? You will never leave. Itl get worse and worse- you're 19!!!! You're basically a child and he's treating you like one. What makes you think it's going to get better? Of course it won't! And stop making him lunch!!!!!!!

got annoyed because the dog should only be given biscuits when being good

He's occupied with behaviour and "being good, being naughty", don't leave that poor dog with him. Tell me, did you let him know you liked rough sex right before he got really into pursuing a relationship with you? I bet yes.

Here's a question for you OP. Would you show him this thread? I would bet not. Why? Because you'd be scared of what he'd do to you.

That's not a safe place to be.

If you were my daughter OP I would already be in my car and on my way to get you .
I get it. Youre 19 and not a child. An adult who knows her own mind and will not be told what to do by all of these strangers who dont know your beloved and how funny he is and how much you love him.
Youre right - we dont.
What we do know - all of us whose opinion you asked for -is that this is not a loving and equal relationship. We know for a fact that this will not end well and you will be really hurt . We know that your partner is not a loving man but is manipulative and cruel. We know because you told us.

We will still be here in the next 6 months, a year, ten years when you finally come to your senses and leave . We can advise you what to do then .You will need a lot of help because your life will be so much more complicated at that point. You will of course be so much more damaged and not as attractive and free as you are now -pain and suffering does that to a woman.

Maybe one day you will understand that the strangers on the internet actually did know what they were talking about after all.

Please save this thread and reread it after the next time he hits you and the time after that ...

Please, please have a good read of what you have posted and pretend you are reading about someone else. Would you advise this other person to stay with a man who abuses her?

1. Stop minimising the abusive behaviour. Hitting someone is NEVER OK
2. The fact that he is nice, your relationship is "amazing", you have a puppy etc does not cancel out the fact that he hits you
3. Being stressed at work is not an excuse to hit you. Most people get stressed at work at some point and don’t hit their partners - because they are not abusive bullies
4. It is not any kind of over-reaction to leave because of this. That is the right kind of reaction
5. This behaviour will only escalate if you stay
6. Why do you think it is OK for him to show such disrespect towards you. Have you no self-respect?
7. Hopefully, by the time you read my post you will realise from everyone elses responses that this abusive behaviour is wrong and completely unacceptable

“we don't have children yet.”

Please never have children with this animal. You are only 19. Most men are not like this. Why accept so little from a relationship? You are better than this. You deserve better than this.

“he always says it wasn't that hard, it's not like he's punching me and that I wound him up on purpose and it's just how a parent would hit a naughty child.”

This is a massive red flag Please don’t accept this. He is justifying being a physical bully. Good parents don’t hit their children. Was he hit as a child? Does he think this is normal? This is a very unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship. Please get out now.

“I don't want to tell them- they'll blacklist him immediately”

Of course they will because they care about you, unlike your abusive partner. There is nothing wrong in admitting that you made a mistake when you started going out with him. Don’t be too proud to ask for help. How do you think your parents would feel if they knew that you felt that you couldn’t ask for their support?

“I am not a child.”

So, behave like an adult and walk away. Stop being so naïve as to think this will stop. It won’t.

“he has groomed you into being conditioned to think this ok and that leaving would be an overreaction.”

This ^^
The power imbalance in this relationship is so messed up. Is he your first boyfriend?

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS

There is NO excuse for violence.

This will escalate. It already has.

Taking pain during sex is far different than being hit like this. You consent to what he does in bed (I hope). The rest is pure violence.

If you do not leave immediately, please stop the choking play. It's a fine line you tread there and that should only ever be done with 100% trust, in a non violent relationship.

And don't listen to anyone who tells you he does this because you accept pain during sex, they are (usually) 2 different things.

Physically abusive partners often target family pets. How will you feel if he hurts your puppy?
Op your comments made my blood run cold he sounds awful please leave him

He's almost 9ld enough to be your dad and, before you even consider the physical abuse, treats you like a naughty child.

How do you propose to go about "not tolerating" his violence. He will do it, regardless and he's not going to stop, if you have children. Statistically, the opposite is more likely.

You have many, many years ahead of you to find a man who treats you as an equal

he's 100% lovely and funny the rest of the time.. he's not. He is a violent man who - at the moment - is able to contain his outbursts. This means you minimize his behavior and excuse it. You did both in your first post.

Violent men only go one way without help = more violence.