My boyfriend has started hitting me when angry

[adoggymama]

Hi everyone, I was debating on making this post as it's not so severe that I would call it abuse but I'm scared it could get worse if you see what I mean?

Recently my boyfriend, when angry or when I've annoyed him (eg 5 mins ago I gave the dog a biscuit and he got annoyed because the dog should only be given biscuits when being good and he grabbed an empty pillow case (with sharp zipper on it) and slapped me round the leg with it) he is stronger than me and it obviously hurt- now with a red leg mark and raised bump with blood from the zipper catching it.

I love him and there has always been an element of 'pain' in our sexual relationship, which I like to some degree. (Eg spanking/choking/hair pull) but this past weekend he's hit me 3 times. Twice with his hand on my bare legs that left marks.

He's never done this before but is under pressure at the moment with work so I guess he's more testy. I was just joking around those times and he got angry and then lashed out.

Anyway I just wanted to get some other peoples opinions as I can't talk to anyone in my personal life if you know what I mean.

Thanks

Only 3 hits? How many hits is acceptable then?

Get out now before he really hurts you or your puppy.

Christ OP, it's not a huge overreaction to leave, your partner is not supposed to hit you. It's really that simple.

It doesn't matter how recent it is. Once they start hitting it won't stop and will probably escalate. The line has been crossed.

So you can either accept it or you can leave I think are the only choices.

It wont get better.

When I was young I had a boyfriend with a very bad temper. If he got angry he would go silent and ignore me. Literally it was like I didn't exist.

After 4 years together he got angry and unstead of silent treatment he hit me.

I left the next day. That was a line crossed for me, despite his begging and pleading.

His next girlfriend was subjected (after a while) to full on donestic violence- beatings.

I still vaguely know him. He gas never had another relationship, in 30 years. I think it is because he can't trust himself to.

He was /is very funny and loving the rest of the time.

Talking to him won’t help- he thinks it’s ok to hit you when he’s angry. It’s not. You shouldn’t have to tell him that. Most people just know it’s not ok.
The choking is worrying too. Especially as you imply that it’s not completely ok with you.

I don't understand these threads, your partner is abusing you, you've posted on WWYD asking that question but you have already decided you're staying.

Love isn't abusive or having a partner hit you. It's unacceptable and it most certainly isn't love.

It's not ok for anyone to ever hit you, it does not matter if you perceive to have wronged him. Punishing you in an abusive manner is not ok.

Keep your puppy and ask him to leave. Reassess your boundaries.

adoggymamma why are you scared of talking to him?

You may not be ready for leaving yet but I can guarantee at some point you will.

He is escalating and slowly pushing your boundaries so that it will get to a point when he does overtly hurt you - you won’t realise how far he has gone.

My dh has never hurt me

You cannot negotiate with this guy and need to get out. End of. No one should need to be told more than once that they are hurting you. While you're so busy making excuses for his behaviour he doesn't even need to bother making any one his own

You can’t approach people like that, he will never change!

You honestly need to leave now. I was in a relationship like that and it was just slaps on the leg or arm but eventually he took a pillow and put it over my face and I thought I was going to die.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever done. I heard that after we broke up he got together with someone I knew and she fell pregnant and he started hitting her! She left him and now lives at the other end of the UK!

I'm not going to comment on your sex life btw. Consensual adults and all that. But this is outside the bedroom.

What's his reaction when you tell him not to do it again?

There's a world of difference between sexual proclivities as you describe and him hitting you when he is angry.
One is boundaried and the other is not. I think you know this but are wondering if he thinks it's ok, you are looking for a reason for this misunderstanding.
There is no misunderstanding he is abusing you, it doesn't matter if it is once or 500 times.

To my detriment I believed this in my first marriage and it really did escalate, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as 99% of the time he was a lovely man. It took being strangled for me to realise this was wrong and I left but he did not make it easy.

Get out now

OP he hurt you, you asked him not to do it again, and he has. 3 times in a week. You're showing him that even if it hurts, and you ask him not to, it doesn't matter because there are no repercussions for him.

It will get worse. Stop making excuses for him, normal people don't hurt other people intentionally!

Take your puppy and leave before it gets worse, you can do better and you deserve better.

This is abuse - and sadly having a house and a puppy isn't going to stop it escalating.

You need to leave. In the meantime; I'd stop any BDSM type activities incase he goes too far. He cannot be trusted anymore. He is hurting you... he knows he is; and he hasn't stopped when you've told him.

What's worse; he's hitting you to control you, to punish you for little things that mean nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. This will only get worse; and it's already escalating quickly. Make an escape plan today.

I would leave and take the puppy with me. Possibly after walloping him round the head with something heavy. Fuck that for a laugh, no man will ever lay a hand on me and still call himself my partner. I might not have much but I do have my self respect.

Jesus wept woman!
He has hurt you and he's left marks on you and you are wondering what to do?
Instead of writing this post your time would have been better spent packing and leaving.

Of course he is lovely and funny ' the rest if the time, that's if no consequence though. What's important is what he has done and will continue to do so the more you stay with him.
Respect your self and go now.

BDSM is consensual.

Hitting you in anger is not.

You need to get out now and stay out.

You already feel you can’t keave because of the puppy. Grab the puppy and go...the puppy isn’t safe either.

These men are always lovely 95% of the time but that time between lovely and hitting you will get shorter until he is doing it every single day,

Leave him. Leave today, speak to Women’s aid and don’t go back. He’s crossed a line.

The kinky sex is a red herring, you consent to that (hopefully) whereas you have told him not to hit you outside of bedroom and he's doing it anyway.

If he's done it three times despite been told no, there's no way it's a misunderstanding about continuing 'play', it's intentional abuse, and will get worse if you stay.

Just to add to the post, take the dog as well.

I'm married with 3 DC and if DH hit me once, I would leave.
Yes you live together and have a dog, but that's not a reason to put up with abuse. You can hear in your OP (and further comments) you are already making excuses for him.

You say you won't let it get worse, but it will. It will be a gradual progression of you letting shit slide, until the point you either realise, or he hurts you very badly. Who knows, at this point you could have married him, finances are intertwined, could have DC involved, he may have isolated you from family and friends. It will be a lot damn harder to leave then.
Leave while you still have very little tied to him.

For goodness sake listen to what other posters have said LEAVE HIM asap. This is not acceptable, so the next time he gets angry and lashes out he might break a bone or put you in hospital will you still think it's ok he's normally a good person and we have fun together. Don't have the worry in the back of your mind. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.

I had a boyfriend who was funny, intelligent and popular with everyone. I was in love but I recognised that his temper was getting sharper. I told myself that I would leave if he ever hit me. I am not that woman. He did, I didn’t leave. By then I thought it was my fault. I had provoked him. He didn’t even apologise to me. I thought that domestic violence was a man hitting his partner then sobbing and asking for forgiveness. In my case he hit me, I protected myself and hit back and it escalated. He was stronger than me and I could never win. The fact that I never just took it seemed to make it an easy dialogue for him to tell me I deserved it. I started it. I didn’t.

It took me a long time to learn how to trust again. I have been married to my do for 5 years now and he has never ever raised his hand and I can’t imagine he ever would. We row from time to time over things as every couple does but I have never seen that look in his eye. I wish I knew back then that a functional relationship never includes violence, it doesn’t include any form of hitting and when disagreements happen they are resolved in a loving way.

You're just making excuses for him!

You can't see how wrong this situation is. That's so sad.

I doubt you'll get the help you're looking for. Nobody in here will advise you to stay with him.

You can't make him stop Op, theres absolutely nothing you can do to stop him hitting you. He might stop for a bit but he will do it again, and it will get worse. He is violent and thinks its okay to hit you, you can't teach him it's not because he already knows that it's not acceptable but he choses to do it anyway, because he cares more about controlling you than he cares about you. He's not 100% lovely he's an abuser.

The only thing you can do to make it stop is leave, if you stay it will only get worse. Decent men don't hit their partners ever, not when they are stressed, not when they are angry, no matter what they do not physically hurt their partners.

There is a dangerous difference between two people who respect one another choosing to have a bit of pain/pleasure element in their sex life, and a violent man who thinks hurting you is ok. I wouldn't be engaging in any form of spanking/ pain etc during sex as he clearly does not value you enough to care if he really hurts you.

Oh, and LTB. This IS abuse. If you question it, just ask yourself if it is behaviour YOU would do to someone you love? No? Thought not.

@Dementedswan we don't have children yet.