My boyfriend has started hitting me when angry

[adoggymama]

Hi everyone, I was debating on making this post as it's not so severe that I would call it abuse but I'm scared it could get worse if you see what I mean?

Recently my boyfriend, when angry or when I've annoyed him (eg 5 mins ago I gave the dog a biscuit and he got annoyed because the dog should only be given biscuits when being good and he grabbed an empty pillow case (with sharp zipper on it) and slapped me round the leg with it) he is stronger than me and it obviously hurt- now with a red leg mark and raised bump with blood from the zipper catching it.

I love him and there has always been an element of 'pain' in our sexual relationship, which I like to some degree. (Eg spanking/choking/hair pull) but this past weekend he's hit me 3 times. Twice with his hand on my bare legs that left marks.

He's never done this before but is under pressure at the moment with work so I guess he's more testy. I was just joking around those times and he got angry and then lashed out.

Anyway I just wanted to get some other peoples opinions as I can't talk to anyone in my personal life if you know what I mean.

Thanks

@QueenOfIce I'm 19, I don't have the financial stability to keep the puppy or the flat without him. I'd have to move back in with my parents. He's 35.

Op you would be utterly insane, and completely irresponsible, to have children with this man. Violence escalates during pregnancy.

@Cherubfish he always says it wasn't that hard, it's not like he's punching me and that I wound him up on purpose and it's just how a parent would hit a naughty child.

OP, would you be able to phone your parents and tell them what is happening?

So he's not even remorseful / apologetic?? That is even worse

its a bit concerning that theres such an age gap and he says its how a parent would hit a naughty child, you being the child i presume eww! this relationship sounds unhealthy tbh.

You're 19 and he's 35, OK you know what. He wants to control a woman, I'm not saying that all men who have younger wives are looking for that. It's a collection of factors. It's the desire to hurt you for sexual pleasure, hitting you outside the bedroom, getting financially in control of you and being a lot older than you. Those are red flags. Go back to your parents now.

@Cherubfish I don't want to tell them- they'll blacklist him immediately. Ive just made him and I some lunch and he's apologised. I've made it clear I'm not going to be a doormat and accept this type of behaviour. If it happens again I will leave and stay somewhere else for a while. x

This is an abusive relationship. He won’t stop and will probably get worse.
Please leave, even though it’s difficult for you. You need to think about your safety.

Op how can afpsching him about it help?
He will either

Minimise. You are fussing over nothing

Cry and askfor forgiveness, bit nothing will change

Get angry

None of which will help you. All you can do is make your boundary, tell him straight you will leave if he hits you again I any way. Then do it.

Fuck me! He is not your parent and you are not his child! Go back to your own parents.... they don’t hit you do they?!

@LinoleumBlownapart it was me that suggested the sexual dominance side of things. That's what I like, he just went along with it. I've said to him that our relationship is EQUAL and I am no less than him. I am not a child.

*approaching

" it's just how a parent would hit a naughty child."

1. you are not a 'naughty child' you are an adult woman.
2. hitting children isn't OK anyway.

I have a daughter your age, if she were in this situation I would go and get her and take her back home.

@youngestisapsycho they did when I was younger. (Under 11) Not now.

and he's 100% lovely and funny the rest of the time

It really doesn't matter how is he the rest of the time, what matters is that this person is violent and the violence is escalating. I would not be waiting around to discuss anything, I would be getting out as quickly as I could.

I feel like it would be a HUGE over reaction to leave now as it's only 3 hits. But I do want it to stop. I won't allow it to get worse.

Fair enough, its absolutely up to you. So you have told him that you do not 'allow' it, what do you plan to do, next time it happens ? "Only" three hits so far, have you decided what your limit would be? Four, five, ten... what are you prepared to put with? He is absolutely testing your boundaries to establish exactly what you will put up with. He knows you don't have many option and are not keen to return to your parents and is playing on that.

I feel very sorry for you, @adoggymama and hope you manage to get out before you have any children.

So he sees you as a “naughty child”? Speaks volumes, doesn’t it, OP? You’re not an equal partner, an adult to be respected and loved - you’re a helpless child that he feels he has the power to punish and ill treat at will.
Does he hit his boss when he’s stressed at work? Of course not - he saves it all to take it out on you.
You are not his loved partner, you are a punchbag.
For the love of God, OP get out of there before they take you out in a body bag.
And tell someone - your parents, close friends, anyone in your life who will react with horror and shock to what you are trying to normalise.

I am no less than him. I am not a child.

And he has only hit you (like a child, ugh) three times. Oh dear, I fear for you.

Most parents don’t hit their children.
That’s a really concerning remark, you need to talk to someone IRL about this.
My guess is you’ve had negative comments about this relationship from friends and family, which is why you don’t want to talk to anyone face to face about it.
However this is only going one way. He will hit you again, and it is likely to be harder.
He sounds awful and you are so young, would it really be so awful if you had to go back home to your parents?

The hitting will only get worse. Leave now before it's too late. Share the puppy, move out.

adoggymama judge a man by what he does not by what he says.

You gave the dogs a biscuit and as punishment you have injuries to your legs.

He can control his temper - if his mother or friend had given the dog a biscuit he would not have attacked them. He is choosing to abuse you.

Where is your line in the sand? He has already crossed mine. What does he have to do for you to walk away and never look back?

How long have you been together? There is something very wrong with a thirty something man having a teenage girlfriend, honestly it’s really not right.

FWIW I married my first husband when I was 22 and he was 34. He used to poke and pinch and dead arm me for ‘jokes’ and that was ok because he wasn’t ‘hitting’ me. Then he punched me in the mouth on two occasions but that wasn’t abuse either because he wasn’t beating the shit out of me. Etc etc. Do you see how this goes? He’s chipping away at your boundaries, starting with the rough sex.

Please go home to your parents. Please. This isn’t love. It’s ownership.

Jesus,he thinks hitting kids is okay too?

OP. go home go your parents while you can still get out you poor thing

This is not right, he is lashing out either with his hands or objects to hurt you, which means he has lost control. So, if he loses control over a biscuit, what would he do over something far more serious? Has he ever shown anger yo the puppy?