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Original poster

My boyfriend has started hitting me when angry

158 replies

adoggymama · 13/08/2018 11:36

Hi everyone, I was debating on making this post as it's not so severe that I would call it abuse but I'm scared it could get worse if you see what I mean?

Recently my boyfriend, when angry or when I've annoyed him (eg 5 mins ago I gave the dog a biscuit and he got annoyed because the dog should only be given biscuits when being good and he grabbed an empty pillow case (with sharp zipper on it) and slapped me round the leg with it) he is stronger than me and it obviously hurt- now with a red leg mark and raised bump with blood from the zipper catching it.

I love him and there has always been an element of 'pain' in our sexual relationship, which I like to some degree. (Eg spanking/choking/hair pull) but this past weekend he's hit me 3 times. Twice with his hand on my bare legs that left marks.

He's never done this before but is under pressure at the moment with work so I guess he's more testy. I was just joking around those times and he got angry and then lashed out.

Anyway I just wanted to get some other peoples opinions as I can't talk to anyone in my personal life if you know what I mean.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
adoggymama · 13/08/2018 12:33

For reference, if I ever had children with him- I would NEVER tolerate any kind of behaviour like that from him.

OP posts:
Cherubfish · 13/08/2018 12:35

OP, I understand that it's not easy just to pack up and leave. But please, please listen to what we're saying. If this happens again, move out and block his number.

TheCrowFromBelow · 13/08/2018 12:36

But lovely, you already are tolerating it, and excusing it.

LinoleumBlownapart · 13/08/2018 12:36

My sister in law is in an abusive relationship and has been for the last 20 years. Her husbands sister told me that as a child, when they were naughty or their mother did something wrong their father would make them kneel on broken glass and grovel an apology. He beat and abused them and now his son is the same.
My sister in law has three children, she is not allowed friends, even me, she can only be friends with his sister and his brother's wife. She can work but only because he loves money. He has bruised her, cheated on her and even held a gun to her head. She still stays with him. My husband and his brother haven't spoken to her in 10 years, because he needed to cut her off from her support network. She goes along with it. He has put them in so much debt they needed to move away. My husband's family bailed them out. To the world he seems normal, my husband's family don't even know he is physically abusive. She showed me the bruising, always where others cannot see it.
It started out mild, a few slaps here and there. Leave, do not become my sister in law. She can no longer judge emotions, she flies into rages at work and doesn't see how abnormal that is. Her children are socially awkward and severely affected.

sallievp · 13/08/2018 12:38

There are about 70 posters on here who have advised you to leave....listen to them!!!!
If you don't leave it WILL get worse NOt Better.
Get out while you can.

ApolloandDaphne · 13/08/2018 12:38

You need to leave with your puppy and go back to your parent and tell them everything. This will only escalate and he will hurt you badly - or even kill you.

HoleyCoMoley · 13/08/2018 12:41

You sound quite young, he sounds a bit of a bully, you put up with his dreadful behaviour, you make him lunch, you make excuses not to leave him, seriously you are becoming a doormat, you could do so much better and why on earth would you even consider having children with him.

fuzzywuzzy · 13/08/2018 12:42

So if he does this only when stressed and it's not really domestic violence or that bad.

Tell me, does he slap his boss? you know cos he's stressed with work, does he thump his male friends because they do something he has disagreed with?

You have children with this man and then break up, you will be completely at the mercies of the courts and judges who will tell you he is entitled to have your children unsupervised for several days and nights over the week, how will you protect them from him then?

Tell your family and friends about how he behaves, if it's so normal and OK.

Seriously LTB, move back in with your parents. you are so so young and have a wonderful long life ahead of you.

Fredathetortoise · 13/08/2018 12:42

3 hits is not ok. 1 hit is not ok.

When work is stressful, does he hit his boss or his colleagues? No? Then he is perfectly able to control his temper and his violence.

OP isn't listening to everyone telling her that this an abusive relationship and it's not going to change. We'll see her back here in a year or so when she has no money, isn't allowed to leave the house and has a black eye and a split lip.

BruceAndNosh · 13/08/2018 12:44

There is only one way you can stop him hitting you, but it works.

Leave him.
He can't hit you if you're not there

staydazzling · 13/08/2018 12:44

i think your so concerned about your parents view of him youve back yourself into a corner.your parents care about please dont let that effect your reaction to this.

AdaColeman · 13/08/2018 12:45

He's not lovely, he's a nasty bully who chokes you during sex (which will escalate) and he hits you for minor events like giving the puppy a biscuit.

He's softening you up, so that his violence becomes normal behaviour for both of you, then when he seriously beats you up you will accept that too.

Leave now, while you still can, take the puppy with you.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 12:47

he always says it wasn't that hard, it's not like he's punching me and that I wound him up on purpose and it's just how a parent would hit a naughty child

First of all, in a relationship that is completely fucked up. You’re not equal at all if that’s his twisted logic. Second, he’s already telling you that he’ll hit your children if you have any (please for God’s sake don’t have children with this man).

Leave OP, you are not in a healthy relationship, his boundaries are extremely skewed and twisted, you need to stop listening to what he’s saying to you and start looking at how he’s treating you. Because from the few posts you’ve written even a complete stranger can see that what he says and what he does are two separate things.

Also, BDSM requires the very highest levels of trust. If you can’t trust him not to hit you outside of the bedroom, can you trust him to stop when you say a safe word in the bedroom? No. You can’t.

He doesn’t respect you, he views you as a child to be disciplined (that is the creepiest thing I’ve ever read), and he hits you.

Leave, while you’re still able.

BossWitch · 13/08/2018 12:47

Please listen to the near 100 people telling you the truth - this is an abusive relationship, you are being abused right now.

But if the now doesn't seem bad enough to leave, imagine the future. He will not change for the better. Abuse always escalates.

So:

You'll end up a battered wife, with kids, no job, trapped and unable to leave. Your kids will grow up watching their dad threaten, frighten, intimidate and physically abuse their mother. They may be abused themselves. They will think this is normal and may well end up in abusive relationships themselves. Your life will be miserable. You may eventually get the courage to leave, after wasting the best years of your life. You may not ever leave, and spend your life waiting for him to change/ waiting for him to die so you can be free. Or you may die at his hands.

You can stop this happening by leaving. Now.

bigsighall · 13/08/2018 12:48

He did that over a treat for a dog??!!! What would he do if it was something that made him really angry?
What would I do... leave straight away. I would never allow someone to treat me like that. THIS IS NOT NORMAL

GrumpyCatIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/08/2018 12:50

OP, I’m worried about you.
His behaviour is escalating and it will only get worse.
He is not the man that you thought he was, nor the man that you want him to be, but that is not your fault and you cannot 'fix' him.
There is no shame at all in admitting that this relationship isn’t working and moving back home for a while, a lot of people have done that.
It doesn’t matter how hard he hit you, how nice he is the rest of the time, how funny or charming he can be, the only thing that matters here is that he is capable of violence towards you and you deserve better than that. You are worth more than this. Please listen to the many voices of experience on this thread.
This man is violent. This is abuse. It WILL get worse. You deserve so much better than this.
Flowers

Eminado · 13/08/2018 12:50

Where are you in the country so people can try to help you?

I feel so upset reading your posts. You dont deserve this - please get help to get out.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 12:51

Can I be clear OP? You appear to have confused consensual BDSM (not abuse) with him hitting you (which is abuse).

You need to separate the two.

One is consensual and between partners.

The other is abuse, and is very very wrong.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 13/08/2018 12:52

But you would tolerate it op, because you are tolerating it now.

He won't stop because you asked him to, that suggests he just genuinely doesn't know it's wrong to hit people. He didn't just lose his temper and hit you, he knew what he was doing otherwise he would be hitting people left right and centre.

OP, you are really young and you can leave really easily. It will be so easy to start again without him now, not so easy in 10 years time.

Snoopychildminder · 13/08/2018 12:55

People don’t change, we are creatures of habit, now this has become an option to him, it won’t stop.
You have every poster on here telling you to leave. I don’t think you want to hear that, but you should. It isn’t ok to behave like that, no matter how rough you like your sex.

BrokenWing · 13/08/2018 12:55

For reference, if I ever had children with him- I would NEVER tolerate any kind of behaviour like that from him.

For reference you don't wait until you have children before dealing with any kind of behaviour like that from him. If you cant recognise and deal with abuse for yourself why do you think it will be different when there are children?

This is an unbalanced relationship that is doomed for failure, save yourself the heartache and the wasted years you will never get back and exit now.

bullyingadvice2017 · 13/08/2018 12:55

He will Get worse. He is abusing you. Get out whilst you can

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 13/08/2018 12:56

This is abuse. It is not normal or acceptable. It will escalate and there is a chance he will kill you. You should have left when he hit you the first time. Please leave him now for your own safety

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 12:57

For reference, if I ever had children with him- I would NEVER tolerate any kind of behaviour like that from him

But you’ll tolerate it for you? Can’t you see you’re worth more than that? Because you are.

QforCucumber · 13/08/2018 13:00

He hits you, draws blood, and you make him lunch?

He's already making you doubt yourself, making you think it was your fault, that you 'wind him up'

In 8 years my DP and I have both 'wound each other up' He nor I have ever once raised a hand, thrown anything or hit each other with anything.

This is not a normal relationship, this IS abuse.

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