Staying at in-laws with dc and there is no food

[daytimemom]

Arrived at in-laws with DH (their son) and our two dc’s. For context, they are very well off. Live in huge house in the country, spend six months a year on cruises, have new car etc.

This is the first time we have visited them in their new house. Normally they stay at our house where we cook meals for them, provide wine and snacks and generally be very hospitable. They certainly enjoy all our food and drink.

This is what they served DH and I for dinner; two small roast potato’s, one small parsnip, teaspoon of peas and carrots, three slices of chicken. Our dc who are 11 and 12 had the same but with one roast potato rather than two. Dessert was one scoop of ice cream. DH asked if he could have another scoop but was told no as the carton (think Ben & Jerry’s small sized carton) had to last them a week.

By evening the dc were ravenous. I asked mil if dc could have a slice of toast or cereal. Was told they only had muesli and one small loaf of brown seeded bread. DC do not like either. I asked if there was any fruit was told no. DH asked if there was a bag of crisps, again no.

I’m not proud of this but DH and I went through the fridge and cupboards trying to find something to eat but the cupboards were literally bare.

DH went out this morning to buy some bread, cheese etc (which fil helped himself too) and I suggested to mil we go out to dinner but she insisted she is cooking. Dreading another tiny meal & the dc’s being hungry.

DH said they are just being tight by not spending money on food and drink. I quite frankly want to go home. Simple things like they knew we were coming but the bathroom had no towels or soap, no mirror or lamp in guest bedroom. Could they not have bought some cornflakes & snacks knowing most kids don’t eat muesli!

They have always been mean with money, poor DH as a uni student was penniless living off toast and pawning his stuff while his parents refused and financial assistance.

Get out tomorrow. This attitude is how children develop eating disorders.

This type of massive cheapness, especially where children are concerned, has a pathological aspect to it.

www.nytimes.com/1988/10/30/magazine/body-and-mind-the-cheapskates-ploy.html

But for the hardcore cheapskate, this is no situational strategy. It is a strategy for life, and such people typically hoard not just money but everything, including their sympathy, their praise, their love, ''doling out to others with a coffee spoon,'' as the psychiatrist Willard Gaylin, president of the Hastings Center in New York, says, ''because they themselves have always felt deprived, shortchanged - insufficiently nurtured in some way. They feel they have little to give because they themselves were given so little.''

I wouldn't spend another night like this. I'd either go to the supermarket now or leave. Actually I would just leave!

Fuck that, seriously tomorrow go home. It sounds like your mil doesn't want to buy food and your fil just goes along with it.

She'd be happy for you to get a shop in though I would hazard a guesd but she won't dish it out. You can't do it to your kids. Just take them home.

Make sure when you're making cheese on toast for the kids you only take out enough for them and hide the rest. Then if FIL wants some just say there's none left!

My mind bogglings at these threads, which usually happen at Christmas. I would be very upset if guests were hungry whilst staying with us.

Maybe they clueless about hosting . DP's Mum is a bit rubbish at it.

thegreylady you've reminded me of happy times with my Mum, Nan and Auntie .

When they come to yours next time - no booze. None. No cakes, no chocs etc. Lock it al away if you have to.

Be polite but blunt with them: ‘the kids need more food than this - how do you want us to manage it, I’m happy to cook tomorrow if that suits, what does everyone fancy?’

Put your big girl pants on FFS. Are you seriously going to let your children be hungry because you can’t be arsed to a) do a 90 minute round trip in a car or b) tell your ILs they are tight fisted fucks and leave? Come on.

Sounds to me like they really do not want you there! Their hospitality stinks and I think they are gritting their teeth at you all being there! Seems like they are deliberately making you uncomfortable so you do infact go home...Go home.! do it now just go.....chances are they wont give a toss then just carry on as you have always done when they visit...be bigger be better be more hospitable sod them! Just be you cos you sound really decent..sadly the same cannot be said of them.

Do not...l repeat DO NOT let your fil have some of your cheese on toast

Came here to say exactly this!

I think people are just 'different' with their idea of feeding guests. My ds and I eat fairly healthily but aren't obsessed - he's a swimmer so does need a good balanced diet though!

My best friend came the other evening and as I'm GF I said I'd cook rather than order takeout (which is difficult!)
2 adults and I did

2 large jacket potato's
6 pork and apple sausages
Egg and salad cream (4 eggs)
Tin of tuna with mayo
Jar of beetroot
Tub of coleslaw
1 red onion
Loads of cheese
Veg sticks and lettuce

Ridiculous amount for just 2 adults and of course there was loads left over (I just put it on table)

However it's all been used for sandwiches, towards a dinner etc for the next few days and I knew my friend could eat what she wanted and not be hungry.

I actually don't think I could cope with just providing a normal "meal" in case someone went hungry!

Definitely put your food away so you can give your children some food, and yes next time they visit do not be as bountiful with food as you have been.

I’ve had a different scenario when I’ve prepared a big meal for visiting relatives, then they arrive and say they filled up on junk at the motorway services.
Next day, half an hour before lunch, they bought piles of cakes so the children didn’t touch lunch.
I’m not a terrible cook, I’d gone to time and expense to provide lovely meals.

LTBs!
Seriously, stand up to them or leave. Who wants to spend such a miserable weekend, not your poor kids, I'm sure.

I don’t think it’s a generational thing as when we were kids my going to my nans revolves around food!!
Breakfast was cereal, toast and eggs
Then there was elvenses which was drinks and biscuits and sometimes cake
Lunch was a proper cooked meal with a pudding
Then tea around 4 was bread and butter with jam and assorted cakes and sometimes quiche or sausage rolls
Then supper was something like cheese and crackers or cheese triangles and crisps, fruit and more cake/biscuits!!

All homemade and most of the fruit and veg grown from the garden.

I'd pack up the kids and go home. Your DH can stay or go home with you, but that is just not on. Your DH's failure to spell it out to his parents or ability to buy food to feed your family without your FIL nicking it is not on.

And refuse to host them again unless DH tells them they have to bring groceries. They just aren't reasonable.

I suspect they’re not as well off as they’d like people to think and rather than give up some of their cruises because people may ask questions they skimp on food instead.

I’m also inclined to agree with what Crunchymint said in her first post a few pages back.

Sorry, what would I do? I’d go out and buy food and share it with them. Food is life and to not share it is ungracious.

I used to have this with DP's parents. I had to ask for a glass of water and then it was a tiny tumbler size. I used to take food and cook for everyone when we stayed but I got tired of the quarter-sandwich served at teatime with the transparent ham. They weren't hard-up, either. I stopped going because I felt the behaviour was insulting. She watched every mouthful you took.

I adore my MIL but she gives us tiny portions too. And mine is always even smaller than DH's I used to be too polite about it but as soon as our eldest started weaning I started taking my own shopping with us when we visit. We still get given tiny dinners but I've always got cereals, milk, cheese, fruit, biscuits etc in for them as a supplement. FIL isn't trusted with finances or shopping - honestly!! - so we bring him contraband chocolate and wine (and fags) and get told off for spoiling him (apart from the secret fags which she doesn't know about).

Is there a senility issue? Sharing rolls is very odd.

You have a few options:

1. Go home - but this would cause major upset so is not preferable
2. Go to the supermarket (I assume you have a car?) and do a massive shop so you can feed your family but also take into account what FIL will likely pilfer!
3. Eat out or order in takeaway each day so you at least have one good meal

I'd never stay with them again. I can't abide tightness when hosting when there is no reason for it. I bet they'd fume if you served them the portions they served you.

I don't get it.

My children would tell me straight if I served up miserable meals like this.

Why doesn't your DH say something?

I think they are very rude, as well as very tight, and I certainly wouldn't be making FIL any cheese on toast!

Are they worried about their weight or the idea of putting on weight? I ask because my now ex mil was like this. She didn’t ever buy snacks or have anything lying around because she had no willpower and all meals were tiny. She was always amazed by how much we ate when we visited almost in a sort of judgey way, as if we were destined to put on weight. I think a lot of older people have demonised the idea of eating anything other than a smaller portion.