Staying at in-laws with dc and there is no food

[daytimemom]

Arrived at in-laws with DH (their son) and our two dc’s. For context, they are very well off. Live in huge house in the country, spend six months a year on cruises, have new car etc.

This is the first time we have visited them in their new house. Normally they stay at our house where we cook meals for them, provide wine and snacks and generally be very hospitable. They certainly enjoy all our food and drink.

This is what they served DH and I for dinner; two small roast potato’s, one small parsnip, teaspoon of peas and carrots, three slices of chicken. Our dc who are 11 and 12 had the same but with one roast potato rather than two. Dessert was one scoop of ice cream. DH asked if he could have another scoop but was told no as the carton (think Ben & Jerry’s small sized carton) had to last them a week.

By evening the dc were ravenous. I asked mil if dc could have a slice of toast or cereal. Was told they only had muesli and one small loaf of brown seeded bread. DC do not like either. I asked if there was any fruit was told no. DH asked if there was a bag of crisps, again no.

I’m not proud of this but DH and I went through the fridge and cupboards trying to find something to eat but the cupboards were literally bare.

DH went out this morning to buy some bread, cheese etc (which fil helped himself too) and I suggested to mil we go out to dinner but she insisted she is cooking. Dreading another tiny meal & the dc’s being hungry.

DH said they are just being tight by not spending money on food and drink. I quite frankly want to go home. Simple things like they knew we were coming but the bathroom had no towels or soap, no mirror or lamp in guest bedroom. Could they not have bought some cornflakes & snacks knowing most kids don’t eat muesli!

They have always been mean with money, poor DH as a uni student was penniless living off toast and pawning his stuff while his parents refused and financial assistance.

There’s fucked up control freakery going on here. Your poor DH

Your DH needs to bloody man up and say something to them

How long have you been there? It sounds as if you arrived yesterday, before dinner? So it’s been more than 24 hours that they haven’t been feeding you properly?

Enough is enough. Either:

• your DH talks to them right now, says they’re not offering anywhere near enough food and asking what’s wrong, are they struggling with money or have they misunderstood how much you (as a family) usually eat
• you stay at their house but buy your own food and cook for yourselves, and/or get takeaways and go out to eat
• go home. Next time don’t visit or stay in a hotel and pop to their house outside mealtimes, or meet in a cafe or restaurant but make sure they pay their share of the bill!

The best course of action depends on the backstory really - there must be one? You must have stayed with them before, did they offer enough food then? Is their behaviour strange in other ways?

It seems unlikely that this would come from nowhere, they must be a bit dysfunctional otherwise they wouldn’t behave like this and your DH would have questioned it already.

Travelling always makes me feel hungrier than usual.
I hate meanness.

I agree with nanny

I have adult DC and if I pulled a stunt like this they would be asking me "Where's the rest of it Mum?" "Why are we on starvation rations?"

Is your DH really so wet he just sits there?

One of DH’s relatives is like this.

We went to stay and there was a Tesco shepherds pie for dinner - serves 4. But there were 5 adults and 3 children to feed! It was served with a floret if broccoli per person.

Nothing to do with appetite, this relative eats an absolutely amazing amount at other people’s house. She’s mean.

I do know that older people's appetites can decrease substantially, my mum now eats like a bird when she used to have the appetite of a lumberjack. But your iLs are ridiculous.

I agree, do a shop but focus on shelf stable foods. If it was me and I needed perishables, I'd see if I could get a small ice chest and ice. But do NOT put things away in the kitchen They'll either help themselves to your stuff (generously) or they'll take things, say they've eaten them, and squirrel them away for later (because, you know, pensioners are poor) after you've gone.

And I certainly would serve them like for like when they come to yours. Are they great trenchermen at your house or do they just eat a bit?

They'd make a fortune as a weight-loss boot camp! Can you book me in please?

“If you get something crap again tonight I'd announce you are taking the kids out for something to eat, then get in the car go out.
The tomorrow I'd just go home”

That is exactly what I would do. I would consider myself as a generous host and would maybe bite my lips the first time this happened, but not the second time. I really wouldn’t care about hurting their feelings. My child(ren) come first.

“you do know that alcohol makes you less hungry?”

Not me Lollypop701. It gives me the munchies

“Can't believe anyone would allow their children to be treated like this for days and days and not just leave.”

Same here. IMO people get treated like shit because they allow the perpetrators to get away with it. If I knew I was staying with someone with a birdlike appetite I would take extra supplies, and quite frankly, wouldn’t care about hurting their feelings. I simply don’t understand why people let themselves get walked all over like this.

There have been several Christmas threads in a similar vein.

MN posters: STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES

Get in the car and just GO HOME!

Why are you allowing this cruelty? This is a massive lack of respect for you all, it’s rude and begrudging, just leave.

They have no manners, they don’t give a shiny shit about your feelings, please don’t give any about theirs

It strikes me that very few posters have picked up on the end of your original post - that they starved their own DS of financial assistance when he was a student, and this I think is the crux of the whole thing. You are a saint to be hospitable to people who were so grudging of their support to your DH - and I imagine that included emotional support as well. Thankfully he found you and is bringing up his own family in joy - but the generosity that you and he have shown to your PILs has fallen on stony ground. If he's not up to telling them a few home truths, back away, see them less, in heaven's name host them less, if at all. It will be no loss to your DC's.

What Hissy says with bells on.

What Alma says

Your DH needs to give them both barrels. No tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. Or have they controlled him like this for so long that he find it’s difficult to confront them?

He should be pointing out how they are perfectly happy to come to visit you and eat decent sized meals so why are you not given the same treatment? Don’t let them fob you off with pensioners excuse when they clearly money to spend on a cruise, just don’t accept it.
Lay your cards on the table and tell them you don’t feel welcome and if they are going to be so tight then you won’t be back in a hurry.

I have read this and I get so irrationally angry at these threads. FUCKING SAY SOMETHING....stop being all PA and actually just say ....there is NOT enough food, why are you being such bad hosts. No instead we must be all British and not say anything even though it's fucking rude!! Grow a pair the both of you and speak up then leave!!

My parents never keep food in. I always take a ton of snacks, they are not badly off either, they just eat very set things.

I opened their fridge last time I was there to find four tubs of dripping and several jars of preserves. That's all.

But they shop every day so they don't need to keep stuff in. And they eat out about 70% of the time and see no use for lunch. They do now get biscuits in when they know I'm coming. But, for some reason, those 'thin' things, I always joke and say 'when I've had four of these I'll have just about had a biscuit'.

But then I am just me, I'd be unimpressed if I'd travelled and had kids with me. Ex's family were like this, you'd drive four hours to see them and there'd be no food in at all. I hated it.

Weird - especially because there are grandchildren there. My Mum believed that being thin was good, ate limited amounts herself especially in her later years, and wouldn't let my Dad eat things that she thought were bad for him, but even she provided decent sized meals for guests. She also bought in food they'd never normally eat for the beloved grandchildren - checking with parents beforehand - so there'd be mini packs of cereal, lots of pasta, bucket loads of ice-cream and even (gasp) tomato ketchup. I can't see why a grandparent, even one who doesn't eat a lot themselves, wouldn't want to make sure their grandchildren were well fed.

We never travel without towels and drinks, and snacks, my nan was like this, and it's kept in a case in the room, always there for my two.
So glad we do as once went somewhere, it was £25 for fish and chips, we were the only family on the trip who didn't get robbed by the cafe.

They have always been mean with money, poor DH as a uni student was penniless living off toast and pawning his stuff while his parents refused and financial assistance.

And there you have it. He wasn't important enough to spend money on then, and still isn't. And neither are you, or the Dc's.

They will of course, happily accept money being spent on them.

Stop being mugs, go home, and return their hospitality in a similar manner if they visit you. Strictly no snacks and small portions on their plates - why not? It's "normal" for them, surely. .

Do a flit home after dark.
Leave a note.

"We have escaped to forage for food".
And don't return.
Ever.

I agree wit PollyFlanderz rise above it, food and family should be mutally inclusive. Don't stoop to their levels, demonstrate the positive. You never know the ILs might loosen up a bit.

Yup came on to say don't let the stingy old bugger have even a sniff of the cheese on toast!

OP why are you and your DH allowing your children to go hungry for the sake of being polite to people who are deliberately starving them?

Rise above your kids being Starving hungry ????

OP, this is indeed dreadful. What are you going to do about it? I would go home and I would tell in law's why (both me and husband). Then we would leave. I like the idea from PP^^ to meet elsewhere in future, they buy for themselves, we pay for our family. That's a clear line drawn.

I have to say, I don't like the posters who are saying things like "waft the smells of food all over the house", "Don't share with them, let them watch". Just as bad as the in-laws and nasty with it. Urgh. Is it a race to the bottom for you all?

I'd rather just make things right for my own family and if in laws benefit then so what?