Staying at in-laws with dc and there is no food

[daytimemom]

Arrived at in-laws with DH (their son) and our two dc’s. For context, they are very well off. Live in huge house in the country, spend six months a year on cruises, have new car etc.

This is the first time we have visited them in their new house. Normally they stay at our house where we cook meals for them, provide wine and snacks and generally be very hospitable. They certainly enjoy all our food and drink.

This is what they served DH and I for dinner; two small roast potato’s, one small parsnip, teaspoon of peas and carrots, three slices of chicken. Our dc who are 11 and 12 had the same but with one roast potato rather than two. Dessert was one scoop of ice cream. DH asked if he could have another scoop but was told no as the carton (think Ben & Jerry’s small sized carton) had to last them a week.

By evening the dc were ravenous. I asked mil if dc could have a slice of toast or cereal. Was told they only had muesli and one small loaf of brown seeded bread. DC do not like either. I asked if there was any fruit was told no. DH asked if there was a bag of crisps, again no.

I’m not proud of this but DH and I went through the fridge and cupboards trying to find something to eat but the cupboards were literally bare.

DH went out this morning to buy some bread, cheese etc (which fil helped himself too) and I suggested to mil we go out to dinner but she insisted she is cooking. Dreading another tiny meal & the dc’s being hungry.

DH said they are just being tight by not spending money on food and drink. I quite frankly want to go home. Simple things like they knew we were coming but the bathroom had no towels or soap, no mirror or lamp in guest bedroom. Could they not have bought some cornflakes & snacks knowing most kids don’t eat muesli!

They have always been mean with money, poor DH as a uni student was penniless living off toast and pawning his stuff while his parents refused and financial assistance.

I think posters saying that OP should leave and cut ties with in laws are being unrealistic. I doubt very much that would be the best thing for anyone in the family.

It would be good if she could tackle the issue and assert herself in some way. But it would have to be very delicately handled. If anyone knows any genuine ways she could do that would be helpful to share I have this exact same problem with my in laws.

I think because of the history with your DH when he was a student that is why he doesn't say anything. There's some fucked up stuff going on memories here of going to visit BF (now DH) family and him having to spend an hour in FILs office justifying why he needed more money as a student

Once we started working I would buy a case of wine for them every Christmas to ensure we got enough alcohol. And make the pudding for them (I'm rural Scottish, we are obsessed with food and overfeed to a pathological extent). We've arrived at their house and then BIL and I have had to immediately gone out to buy tons of food and toilet paper. In PILs case it was very much FIL who kept a tight handle on their food expense. He freaked out at me buying 10 bananas for 7 adults and 2 children. I think he had a fear of wastage and forgot that more people needed more food. He use to visit us and dish out food to other people until everything was finished, DH had to take him aside and say 'eat until you're full but Fosco deliberately overcaters so we can eat leftovers at work'. SIL use to cook for their kids all the time at PILs when they were little to ensure they got fed. Poor MIL desperately wanted to be generous but wasn't allowed by FIL.

I suspect OP is so ticked off about the shampoo and towels etc because she’s hungry. Maybe the Inlaws haven’t realised that the reason they are miserable is because they’re also hungry

But no seriously this is a very odd situation. Even if they didn’t go over the top and buy lots in like some hosts do because we would be horrified if guests went hungry, they could’ve at least at staple items in they didn’t even have any fruit the kids could eat! Who doesn’t have any cheese or jam or fruit etc I can understand not having some of those things but not having anything? My mum and my in laws who be horrified by this and I just explained this thread to my friend and she said both her mum and her mother in law would also be horrified.

Hope you get home and get nice full tummies OP! Your poor DCs!

Older middle class people with a point to prove about how not to overeat do this

I agree. I used to have older relatives like this. Two Aunts who were Sisters- in -law were ridiculously competitive about not eating. The rules around food were never actually explained, but boy was there tumbleweed if any lines were crossed.

Suggest they start running a slimming camp....,,sounds like a great way to shed some pounds!

Sharing rolls is very odd.

My MIL once put one small ciabatta roll onto a breadboard in the middle of the table and it was sliced as if it were a loaf. We each had a fifth of it! There was also one medium-sized tomato, cut into slices, to be shared by 5 people and a few slices of cucumber (not quite a whole slice each). Needless to say, we used to take our own supplies of food and eat them in the bedroom!

There were no towels or hand wash in the bathroom either. DH has to ask and one small hand towel and a bar of soap was produced. DH bought some shampoo when he bought the bread so we could at least wash our hair.

I must admit, I have never expected to be provided with toiletries or towels. Actually, we used to take our own sleeping bags as well, so as not to make too much work for MIL. There is no bedside light or mirror in the bedroom either. I used to take my own small mirror and a torch!

I tended to treat it like a self catering holiday, rather than a hotel, and packed accordingly.

poster Caribbeanyesplease

Loving your 'petty' post - thanks for the insight into how you operate in life.
However I am giving my own thoughts on the post from the op - is that ok with you?

I think that you are fully aware that anything can be described as petty.

My mil is a little odd with food. She won't buy too much because she acts like it won't keep if it doesn't get used within a certain time. Doesn't matter what it is either. Frozen food is binned after a week or so. Tins are also thrown out sometimes.
She'll throw out a perfectly good unopened loaf that has ages of date left simply because it's her shopping day and she always buys bread on that day. So she's happy to waste perfectly good food (and therefore perfectly good money!) but makes pathetic portions and we have to grab a bite to eat after visits. It's odd and the wastage drives me mad. They also eat their main meal (dinner) at 3pm so if we were staying with them, we'd be starving again long before bedtime. Thankfully we now live close by and don't visit for meals or overnighters any more.

I on the other hand have cupboards groaning under the weight of food. I am very uncomfortable at the thought of running out of food so I have enough in to survive the zombie apocalypse! It stems from going hungry as a teen. My mum didn't eat much so if she didn't fancy dinner, we didn't have dinner. My adult sister to this day can't eat a certain snack because at one point it was the only food we had in for days on end and that's all we ate. I recall there only being some old pasta, some herbs and a tub of flour for such a long time in our kitchen along with loads and loads of eggs which a local farmer had dropped off. I ate boiled eggs every night for three days until mum got some more food in. She never gave dinner any thought because she just wasn't hungry.

Well, we are home and all well fed. The Subway was tasty

I’m surprised about the comments we should have taken our own towels and tbh. When we have friends and relatives to stay I make sure our guest bedroom has fresh towels (and a mirror!) as well as ensuring our bathroom has towels, hand wash, shampoo and body wash. I don’t provide toothbrushes but do have a couple still in their packaging just in case. I thought this was normal. Even when you stay in a hotel or b&b towels, hand wash and little bottles of shampoo are provided.

I didn’t hear what DH said to his parents about why we were leaving early, i deliberately left the room and started packing up the car.

Tbh the most upsetting thing about it all is the complete disinterest mil and fil showed towards their grandchildren. Fil spent the whole time locked away in his study on his pc and mil sat in the lounge watched my tv. I suggested a few times about us all going out for walk, going to the local pub etc but they just weren’t interested.

I would bring shampoo to someone's house but not a towel! It's not a camping holiday. And I have never known a house where you would not be offered the use of things like shampoo"Oh, by the way, the shampoo and conditioner and things are on the shelf in the shower unit, please help yourself." Sometimes people might forget or run out of an itemI would be very embarrassed if a guest felt like they had to go out to the supermarket and buy items that they ran out of.

So you didnt ask your husband what he told them? How was the goodbyes?

Sounds like a very painful lesson learned tbh

Perhaps it’s the type of relationship that is better maintained by telephone?

OP, you are right about everything you have said and i’d Be very upset in your shoes.

I think something deeper and sadder is going on though. They are over-focussing on food and are clearly being obsessive. I feel so sorry for your DH, he must be worried and hurt and angry.

I wouldn't cut ties with them but I would make sure that we brought shit-tons of food with us if we visited again. And keep visits short. On both sides.

I wouldn't expect anyone to bring towels or shampoo as there's always some in the bathroom. If you don't have enough towels, wouldn't you phone ahead and ask OP to bring some ? A friend of mine had a load of DC, DPiLs, and DGC descend for Xmas so borrowed towels from friends. It's seems to me that the PiLs werent expecting OP and family or resented their visit and so made very little effort. Its very sad.

Mil was watching your television??

Sounds like they just wanted to be able to say that they'd had you to visit without doing any of the actual stuff that a visit involves.

Basically, they allowed you entrance to the house, but then pretended that you weren't there.

Having read OP's update, it's sad to hear of PIL's who have no interest in their GC. The PIL's behaviour towards them & lack of interest in GC just screams of PA behaviour.

It's a very odd dynamic. I don't think I'd bother visiting again if I was OP. It would be interesting to hear what OP's DH thinks of the whole thing; I expect there's a lot of FOG on his part.

It sounds like they didn't really want you there so made your stay uncomfortable so you would leave and not want to go back again. I wouldn't invite them to your house again.

They sound like teenagers.

Stroppy, anti social and issues with food
Are you sure you didn't actually, in fact, visit a couple of 15 year olds?

So this was the first time you had stayed with them, and your children are 11 and 12?

Very odd..

Really strange dynamic...
Glad you are fed home safely

Have you spoken to your husband about it?
What does he have to say?

Glad you are home safe and well fed. It does come across as a bizarre situation around the food, as you say they eat well at yours. How are they with socialising at yours? Are they happy to play with the children, go for walks etc or do they keep to themselves there too?