Staying at in-laws with dc and there is no food

[daytimemom]

Arrived at in-laws with DH (their son) and our two dc’s. For context, they are very well off. Live in huge house in the country, spend six months a year on cruises, have new car etc.

This is the first time we have visited them in their new house. Normally they stay at our house where we cook meals for them, provide wine and snacks and generally be very hospitable. They certainly enjoy all our food and drink.

This is what they served DH and I for dinner; two small roast potato’s, one small parsnip, teaspoon of peas and carrots, three slices of chicken. Our dc who are 11 and 12 had the same but with one roast potato rather than two. Dessert was one scoop of ice cream. DH asked if he could have another scoop but was told no as the carton (think Ben & Jerry’s small sized carton) had to last them a week.

By evening the dc were ravenous. I asked mil if dc could have a slice of toast or cereal. Was told they only had muesli and one small loaf of brown seeded bread. DC do not like either. I asked if there was any fruit was told no. DH asked if there was a bag of crisps, again no.

I’m not proud of this but DH and I went through the fridge and cupboards trying to find something to eat but the cupboards were literally bare.

DH went out this morning to buy some bread, cheese etc (which fil helped himself too) and I suggested to mil we go out to dinner but she insisted she is cooking. Dreading another tiny meal & the dc’s being hungry.

DH said they are just being tight by not spending money on food and drink. I quite frankly want to go home. Simple things like they knew we were coming but the bathroom had no towels or soap, no mirror or lamp in guest bedroom. Could they not have bought some cornflakes & snacks knowing most kids don’t eat muesli!

They have always been mean with money, poor DH as a uni student was penniless living off toast and pawning his stuff while his parents refused and financial assistance.

These are the options, PIL think you are all overweight and they have put you on diets, or they are saving hard for their next cruise!

A frank discussion required I think. I am extremely irritable when hungry so I don’t think I could hold my feelings in. I assume your PIL don’t regularly entertain guests.

Could they be hard up and hiding it? If not I would just go out and buy food and cook for them serving kids appropriate sized portions and them the size they served themselves the other day. If they complain just point out that you assumed that was enough based on the other day but they are welcome to more if they are hungry. Point out DC's are growing and need feeding regularly. Embarrassed them by sorting yourselves out and then don't go back for more than a day or two.

I can also identify with there always being a pan of soup on the go

My husbands gran was like this but beware it can go wrong, when I first met him he told me not to accept the mince his gran would offer me to eat. I found it a bit odd that he knew she'd offer mince. She did as well. She had a pan on the go all the time, would just add to it, never take it off the hob and actually clean it or something.

For thr next 15 years until she passed, the woman had the same pot of mince on the stove, and was always trying to get you to eat it.

@Bluntness100 goodness!! I hope they chucked that pot in the bin 😬

I think the OP may have gone delirious with hunger and eaten her PILs.

I don't get this at all, when I was at my gran's house in the 70s i could barely move when I left I was so full of homemade pancakes and sandwiches.

MIL is convinced that I don't feed DS, because he's like a string bean, and gets out her arsenal of pots, pans and baking gear as soon as she sees him come up the pathway. He loves going there.

Yup. And it stank. I'm not kidding the whole house stank of old mince, 😱

I am always baffled and horrified by these threads in equal measure - and surprised that there are so many people like this. My family are all East Anglian (so not Scottish or Irish)) ande generous to a fault. At my grandma's we would get a huge spread of bread, salads, fruit, cakes for tea and she would then say :is there anything else you would like? Apple? Biscuit? Banana? Cold sausage?' and so on and so on, listing food until you gave in and had something. (You also had to be careful not to praise any item in her house too much or mention you were thinking of buying anything or you'd be sent home with it or the money - they were not wealthy people just generous). Nana was the same. Only when they got truly elderly and found cooking difficult full stop did they allow us to cook for them in their own homes. We show our love to each other by sharing food and I am the same when people come to mine.

My Pil however are very different. Mil very rarely cooks at all - I have been married to her son 7 years and bar Christmas dinner which we all pitched in with, she has never made a 'special' meal because I was going. It's usually my sil who lives with them that cooks. She's not mean like OP's in laws, just doesn't really see food as important. Also small appetites. She used to feed DH (and siblings) cauliflower cheese as a meal. So just cauliflower in cheese sauce, no carb. He's 6ft and an extremely active biker, climber etc. They used to just help themselves to cereal etc. She gets stuff in when we go and will make a cake when she visits us but I just don't think she's that fussed about food. Took me a long time to get my head round that!

OP hope you escape today and go home, stopping for a massive pub lunch on the way.

We eat very lightly....DH and I. But we know our DC aged 14 and 10 need more calories and so we've always got nuts, peanut butter, jam, crackers, cheese and loads of fruit. We'd never assume other people ate a small meal the way we do.

It's just the way we are. Neither of us is very large and we do sedentary work....

I think the portion sizes sound awful, but I also find it somewhat baffling that someone would show up to stay somewhere and expect snack type foods like crisps, any fancy cereals they want to eat or even an offering of food/wine. But I'm not in the UK, so maybe it's a cultural thing. If I go away with DS, I always pack a basket with snack type foods, a whole heap of fresh fruit, his preferred juice and breakfast foods, plus my preferred soft drinks and plenty of wine. There is a big difference between staying at a hotel and staying with friends.

Where do you live that you go to stay with friends and take your own food and don't expect an offering of food?

Fancy cereals?
A box of coco pops or Frosties is hardly fancy cereals?

And, whilst we're waiting, who REALLY hates people who make cheese on toast and put the thinnest, meanest layer on? - it should be THICK, right to the edges and dribbling off in all its melted glory.

I’m late to this thread, but bloody hell!

I’d have left long ago and I’d have told them why.

I don’t often have people staying and it’s ususlly following a dinner party if so, but a) dinner is always three good courses and I will always ensure breakfast is a proper cooked affair with cereal and toast available.

That’s the bare minimum as far as I’m concerned.

Is someone was staying several days then I’d have fully stocked cupboards with food to snack on included.

They’re miserly and unkind and I’d probably not have them back again.

Can’t believe there is no cheese on toast update.
Hope the OP hasn’t passed up from malnourishment.

Op if you are still there - Honestly just leave.

If you can’t face actually saying something clear and direct say a water pipe burst and go home via a McDonald’s

If you can’t face that honestly drive to the supermarket 45 mins is not insurmountable, it isn’t that long

@DoinItForTheKids

With just a drizzle of Worcester sauce

I think I’d be leaving early op with an excuse and if you ever back in future take a serious amount of supplies with you. My kids are a lot younger but they’d be starving on those rations.

Where do you live that you go to stay with friends and take your own food and don't expect an offering of food?

It's not taking all of your own food, it's taking an offering to share. Usually here an invitation is then followed by a response of 'that sounds great, what can I bring?'. I have friends who regularly come and stay, and whilst I am happy to buy anything they want, they will always end up at the grocery store and pick up a particular brand of coffee they want, or specific drinks. I might cook tea, and they'll have bought a bunch of cheese, dips and crackers to nibble on before dinner.

I don't know what I would do. My cousin's the same. She will make food to feed 2, and try and stretch it to feed 4 and then save some for later. Her fridge is full of teeny tiny pots of food that she saved for 'later'. She is the same at other houses as well. Before the food is served, she portions it into a box to be kept aside for later. Not for her, just generally. Her mum and our grandma are generous to a fault. I wonder why she turned out like this.

@mydogishot, yes, these are indeed crimes against cheese on toast.

I don’t really get this. I would just say to them, light heartedly, that you’re used to eating a lot more than them and your children are hungry. No problem and you’re popping out to London to get a few bits and pieces

(Though unwelcoming behaviour by your in law)

My mother has always stuffed us like geese on fois gras farm, I always worry about guests not getting enough to eat. I think its a whole "hospitality, joy of life, generosity" mindset!

In your case daytimemom I would go home now and never stay there again. Its simply a further example of their overall meanness. You will never be fed adequately there.

Wombling Woman wrote this comment earlier:-

"My Great Aunt was like this.

You'd be served tiny little portions. She was also well off, so it wasn't a lack of money - it was just being miserly. To be a bit fair she hated cooking, but she'd buy herself M&S ready meals but serve us tiny portions of salad or sandwiches (one slice of bread per person only) with barely any filling in it".

My MIL does this too and she is not short of a few pennies either. Apart from she being miserly it is about control and it is deliberate. She rarely cooks at all and can survive on two boiled to nothing potatoes, a boiled egg and one slice of bread and jam; it makes her feel superior. Her late H used to go out and eat or go to the bakers for a cake because he was hungry.

Given all this too I sighed when she told DH she was going to provide us with some lunch before we left for FILs funeral. I did tell him to tell her not to bother but although he did, this was ignored. So I ate some food beforehand. At her house we received one M & S roll (she made a point of telling us they were from M & S) with one slice of ham in it and a bag of crisps in a cereal sized bowl. The wake was similarly tight fisted; her original idea was to provide the people attending with just a cup of tea and a biscuit till the church people stepped in. The sandwich platters she ordered from the cheapest bakers she could find were meanly sliced as well with limp lettuce and one slice of ham or cheese. There were more cakes because they were on offer.

I'm just here for photos.

I’d not be able to tolerate being treated like this.

Sod stocking up in Londis, I’d have to tell them why we were going home.