Staying at in-laws with dc and there is no food

[daytimemom]

Arrived at in-laws with DH (their son) and our two dc’s. For context, they are very well off. Live in huge house in the country, spend six months a year on cruises, have new car etc.

This is the first time we have visited them in their new house. Normally they stay at our house where we cook meals for them, provide wine and snacks and generally be very hospitable. They certainly enjoy all our food and drink.

This is what they served DH and I for dinner; two small roast potato’s, one small parsnip, teaspoon of peas and carrots, three slices of chicken. Our dc who are 11 and 12 had the same but with one roast potato rather than two. Dessert was one scoop of ice cream. DH asked if he could have another scoop but was told no as the carton (think Ben & Jerry’s small sized carton) had to last them a week.

By evening the dc were ravenous. I asked mil if dc could have a slice of toast or cereal. Was told they only had muesli and one small loaf of brown seeded bread. DC do not like either. I asked if there was any fruit was told no. DH asked if there was a bag of crisps, again no.

I’m not proud of this but DH and I went through the fridge and cupboards trying to find something to eat but the cupboards were literally bare.

DH went out this morning to buy some bread, cheese etc (which fil helped himself too) and I suggested to mil we go out to dinner but she insisted she is cooking. Dreading another tiny meal & the dc’s being hungry.

DH said they are just being tight by not spending money on food and drink. I quite frankly want to go home. Simple things like they knew we were coming but the bathroom had no towels or soap, no mirror or lamp in guest bedroom. Could they not have bought some cornflakes & snacks knowing most kids don’t eat muesli!

They have always been mean with money, poor DH as a uni student was penniless living off toast and pawning his stuff while his parents refused and financial assistance.

I’d be tempted to plate up meals when they visit, so everybody has the portion size they are normally served when at their own home, because OP noticed how small their portions are usually so didn’t want to over-face them.

"I have read this and I get so irrationally angry at these threads. FUCKING SAY SOMETHING....stop being all PA and actually just say ....there is NOT enough food, why are you being such bad hosts. No instead we must be all British and not say anything even though it's fucking rude!! Grow a pair the both of you and speak up then leave!!"

This ^^

Put your big girls pants on and tell them FGS!

Why would you rise above your children not being properly fed as well as yourself?

Especially as it's not for lack of funds....or it would seem lack of appetite.

It's just miserly behaviour that translates as "we don't care enough about you or our grandkids to fed them when we could spend that money on ourselves".

Ok - if you don't care we won't stay with you.....seems to be the only rational response.

I'm not convinced the answer is raiding Londis as it's just a way of enabling their crappy behaviour.

Yes Gemini rise above it by just buying some meals and sharing. What is the point of scoring points? The ILs might learn more through a display of generosity than denying a hungry FIL cheese on toast.

Just saw that PollyFlinderz said this already. Although, they've already seen 'how it's done' as OP is a generous host. I could not though treat family as some posters are suggesting - I'd share.

Given the fact that they let their son go hungry as a student, and that they gorge themselves at your house, and they refuse to share food that they have hidden for themselves, it definitely looks they are deliberately using food as a form of punishment or control.

Frankly, with the nearest big shop a 45 minute drive away, I would just go home in the morning. And next time they visit you, make sure you serve them food in the quantities they dish up, so that you don’t offend or overface them.

People like this carry on because nobody stands up to them. You and your husband can put up with this nonsense if you like, but it’s really not on for you to allow your children to go hungry.

I remember a thread similar to this a while ago, the op was breadtfeeding a very young baby as well but still her in laws expected her to hardly eat. So there must be other people like this too! I would personally hate it I'd be so hungry if probably cry or lose my rag.

Rise above your kids being Starving hungry hmm ????

thats not what was said.

I said go out and by food but dont retaliate by not sharing what you've bought. So rise about their way of doing things by not doing it yourself.

There's a vast difference between that and what you've taken it to mean.

That's really right of them! Horrible that fil is hiding to eat and not sharing.
I agree with pp that you/dh need to have a serious conversation with them.
It creates a right bad atmosphere when your hosts don't host.
My sil and her dh were like that.
We hosted them at our house multiple times and fed them very well with food that they like. They ate loads. We bought food for their dietary needs too.
We went to stay with them and there was NOTHING in for us and 2 young kids to eat. We arrived after a long flight. No food or drink offered. Dh asked for food and told there were some leftovers in the fridge. (Days old takeaway.) We fed the kids the rest of their snacks they'd travelled with and we went to bed hungry.
No coffee or milk for the morning because they don't use it but they know we do. There was porridge with rice milk for breakfast.
Dh asked for directions to the nearest grocery store and got us some food.
When they stayed with us they never paid for anything. Which we kind of accepted because we had money and they had spent a lot of money on flights coming to visit us. We were surprised when they said they wanted to take us out for something to eat and also surprised when they insisted on going to a chain restaurant when there were other restaurants that were better for the same money. When it came time to pay they brought out a 50% off voucher........

Yes Gemini rise above it by just buying some meals and sharing. What is the point of scoring points? The ILs might learn more through a display of generosity than denying a hungry FIL cheese on toast

aahh yes.. and they can express this gratitude on their next Cruise... reminiscing the generosity given to them... once again...

My sisters parents in law used to pull this stunt...they did it three times including the time my parents went to visit...on the third occasion my BIL pulled his parents up on it...similar situation to your DH with the money...they made an excuse saying that my sister had to return to work early and went home (they had offered to do a big shop and all sorts but it was down to the awful games her MIL plays) now when they visit they just meet at a pub/restaurant and never go to their house (The MIL insists but my sister says calmly no we are staying here or going to here for lunch DH or I will come and pick you up which the MIL fumes at...my sister and DH pay everytime) if they stay over they stay at a hotel and the kids eat a buffet breakfast...which they love and don't go home hungry!

I find it pathetic those that play silly games like this...I'd be mortified if I had guests and they went home hungry!

Breastfeeding! Not breadtfeeding! Whatever that is!

aahh yes.. and they can express this gratitude on their next Cruise... reminiscing the generosity given to them... once again... hmm

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Do as you would be done by.

"People like this carry on because nobody stands up to them"

I agree. MN has loads of posters who can't or won't stand up to people like this.

Do they have previous for controlling behaviour OP?

As Pps have pointed out, allowing a student child to starve and now this smacks of control issues.

elephantoverthehill I don't think it's about scoring points. It's about respect and decency and actually giving a damn about anyone other than themselves. Also surely they want a relationship with their grandchildren, if the overriding memory of being at their grandparents is that they were constantly hungry then I very much doubt they will actually want to visit in the future. Just totally selfish weird behaviour IMO

I read through 11 pages hoping to find pictures

I’d drive the 45 minutes to the supermarket and tell them why.

Agree that there has to be a back story.
Are they generally loving sweet people who make an effort everyone has a blind spot... In general picture... What are they like?

Maybe your dh should sit down with them and asks them if they are struggling for money or... Need help with on line food shopping?

For all the excuses of being old pensioners etc... Most people would react and day something if it was obvious you're not getting enough to eat...

For this reason I feel they are in dire straights but can't tell you properly your dh.

Or your Mil dislikes you all and is being a controlling pa nut.

Yanbu except for the part where they offered you toast or muesli and you moan about the kids not liking them, if they're hungry they'll eat it also the bit where your Dh has to struggle through uni, poor him

I think OP is in a very awkward situation here. If it was me I'd go to the local Londis or drive to supermarket tomorrow, buy food and say 'I am doing lunch (and or) dinner'.

I agree Voddie that it is Just totally selfish weird behaviour IMO but as Polly said 'Two wrongs don't make a right'.
Polly sorry for getting your user name wrong, I was thinking about 'Moll Flanders' not 'Little Polly Flinders'.

My dad would offer people food all the time, and I grew up in the 70s. Agree snacks were less common, but we'd have plenty of fruit available.

As these PIL can afford cruises, new houses, new cars, etc, they are just stingy. Especially when FIL is eating stuff in secret.

Some people are just so stingy when it comes to food, whether it be food for themselves or for someone else.

My FIL went back to visit a country he'd lived in for several years. My OH grew up in that country and always talked about a particular brand of crisps that he loved and couldn't get after returning to the UK. When FIL went back, OH asked him to bring a multipack back for him. OH told him he'd give him the money for them (otherwise FIL wouldn't have "forgotten"). FIL bought some, but when he got hungry on the plane home he ate half of them because he didn't want to fork out for a sandwich. So OH got half a multipack of crisps, with none of the best flavour left. This is typical of FIL's stinginess regarding food.

Christ, this is awful! I'd have to say something. I come from a family where hospitality was king...my late GP's would force feed you and they had so little money but my Nan's wartime mentality never left her and she could make a feast out of anything. My mum was the same. My parents grew up in poverty but were very successful in later life and my Mum was SO anxious to ensure everybody was fed to the point of pushing overeating where it wasn't necessary. Strangely though, my Dad's Mum had a lifelong eating disorder that we were all aware of but never spoke about and she "ate like a bird"...her own words...but she did make sure that guests were catered for and indeed ate like it was her last meal when she was at our house (sound familiar OP?). She would literally eat us out of house and home but would have a meal every other day at her own home (not short of money either). Then we have my lovely Dad. Who is a grazer, eats largely raw food and is largely vegetarian (just because it's easy). When my Mum died, without the set meal patterns, he just grabbed bits out of the fridge when he felt hungry (which wasn't often). He was anxious to try and be Nan and Granddad to my then 5 year old and made a huge effort to take her out and do things. She had a sleepover with him once. I went to pick her up at lunchtime the next day and she had had a wonderful time with granddad but when she got in the car she said "mummy, I am so hungry". It turned out that he hadn't fed her AT ALL in 24 hours. She had had breakfast at home, but no lunch at Granddads, no dinner, no breakfast the next day. It hadn't even occurred to him that she might want to eat, because it hadn't crossed his mind to eat either. I did speak to him about it and he was horrified, he just said "she didn't ask for anything, I didn't even think about it"!! I felt so awful for both of them. Dad also organised a massive Sunday lunchtime party, around the same time. When I arrived there was no food. I had assumed he'd organised caterers. He said he hadn't even thought about feeding people. We had to order a takeaway of epic proportions.

I didn't intend for this to be so long, but what I am trying to say is that people's attitude to food can be so fucked up. OP, I would also go and do a shop, but I would also be having a word. It's not OK to do this. If they don't want to host, that's fine, but they should and must say. I hope you get through the rest of the stay with lots of extra wine from Londis! Good luck!

Instead of posting on here you could have driven to the supermarket which is 45 mins and back by now. Either do that or go home, it makes miserable reading .