WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

I'm sorry you're in this awful situation. I don't think you should stay with your husband, despite wanting to maintain stability for your kids. What he's done has detroyed the trust and respect that you need for any kind of marriage to work. He cheated on the whole family, not just you.

I would leave, why on earth would you stay? stability is no reason to stay in such a toxic situation, so you're happy for him to be fucking her, then coming home to his family, having a right cushty life?!! are you high? show him the door! or open it and leave. I could not live with it, it would make me sick to my core!

Sorry, I realise my post is rather harsh sounding, but I am actually angry for you OP, you deserve to have better. Also I totally agree with Good
If you stay you will be damaging your own mental and emotional health and I do think your kids will pick up on the change in you and the change in the atmosphere at home.

I think you're perfectly entitled to be angry with her and yes, she is a total bitch!

BUT your husband is an awful, horrible person and without doubt he is abusive at least in the way he views this women. He gets off on her being a sloppy drunk and an emotional mess. He's vile. And he's your husband - he's definitely more culpable towards you than she is.
But she's a bitch too.

I would divorce your self respect demands it. You can rebuild a happy stable life for you and the kids without him but I don't think you will ever be happy staying and that will seep through into every day life with the kids anyway. It's not that you have fallen out of love but still get on well and decide to stay together for the kids. I can see that you would actively hate him and what he has done. Move on with your life without him you may be poorer financially but you will be better of in every other way.

What happens when this affair drizzles out......another one starts?

Don't put yourself up for being a mug, he really does want his cake whilst eating it.

Good luck OP.

Thanks again for all the comments and advice. The widow one is priceless.

A very important update, though, to shed more light on the "rape" issue. This is verified by the mobile phone record. On the first night they slept together, SHE phoned my dumb husband in the evening, mildly drunk, to say she feels very lonely, so can he pop in, otherwise she'll keep drinking. Btw, she only drinks when she's by herself, she completely avoids alcohol when with people. I knew that she had these problems and that her parents asked us to keep an eye on her, so I let him go. He came back very late, and that's when it happened. In the morning he admitted sleeping with her.

I believe him when he says it was the first time he cheated on me, because he is and always has been absolutely hopeless at lying, hates white lies even, and is very proud of his truthfulness - one of these people who will say the truth even if it means hurting someone's feelings or shooting himself in the foot.

Apparently he truly cares for her and hopes their relationship will eventually cure her from drinking. He's convinced he's helping her. How naive can one be?

Still, as many of you have noticed, consent or rape, it doesn't change the fact that things will never again be as they used to be. I need to clear my head and think about it a lot.

It's a very very MN thing to admonish a woman for venting about the person who is screwing her husband!

But anyway - LEAVE HIM. He is showing you extreme disrespect. You don't earn extramarital sex because you were faithful for 20 years. If so, where's your reward?!

You let him do this to you, and he will find some other vulnerable woman after he gets bored of the current one. Or he'll get his 'loud sex' requirements fulfilled by sex workers. You're married, you have DC's including one with SN, does he have a good job? If so, file for divorce ASAP, you are in a very strong position. Get some legal advice and you'll realize how much power you have.

And thanks a lot, GoodEnough.

*I find it hard to believe you're not a troll OP.

Who would stomach a man not only having an affair with a family friend but taking advantage of her when she's drunk, and then justifying it to his wife?

No-one with any intelligence or self-respect would put up with that.*

How about someone who's been married to an abusive arse for 20 years?

hopes their relationship will eventually cure her from drinking. He's convinced he's helping her. How naive can one be?

He's not naive, he's very manipulative. You already said it - her drinking enables the exciting sex he likes so much. He's just coming up with whatever bollocks makes him sound noble and self-sacrificing. If you do leave him, he'll then get very cross at how unreasonable you are to not let him cure this poor woman with his magic cock.

Bollocks. Bold fail

She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober

Any decent man in those circumstances would have given her a glass of water, talked to her, and then sent her to bed on her own. Whether single or not, the men I'm friends with would not want to shag a drunk, lonely, vulnerable woman. A happy, sorted, sober woman yes. An alcoholic with MH problems, no.

I couldn't stay with him. Go and see a solicitor, get things sorted, get out.

Who would stomach a man not only having an affair with a family friend but taking advantage of her when she's drunk, and then justifying it to his wife?

That's not what this thread is. This thread is a woman who's had the rug pulled out from under her in one of the worst ways, trying to work out if there's a way to avoid everything in her life being upended as a result. Shocking information takes time to process.

Apparently he truly cares for her and hopes their relationship will eventually cure her from drinking. He's convinced he's helping her.

Ah. He has a magic penis. Got it.

You need to think a lot about how to move on from this with your self esteem intact and plenty of money as security for you and the DC.

I really wouldn't waste another second thinking about him or her.

Could not tolerate this whatsoever. There's no way back from this. I'd leave him - or get him to leave.

anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it.

Some might, but I suspect it's the very establishment Catholics, if anyone at all these days. Back when marriages were financial alliances, people got slammed together, like it or not, didn't always care for each other all that much, and divorce was impossible. Not to mention the prohibition of women owning any property or bank accounts. Women used to be much, much more dependant and without choices, which is partly where this idea comes from.
There is no possible argument for tolerating affairs outside these circumstances, unless you're genuinely poly-amourous.

First of all you can't impose 'conditions' on someone else's behaviour.

How would you ever know whether they use contraception or not?

Why would you want to know more about their relationship and where it may or may not be going? It's just going to hurt you all the more.

He doesn't deserve for you to maintain this 'front' so he can continue his oh la la affair. It will destroy you. What if the children find out anyway? I know you are trying to support them as best you can and keep financially secure but you have to find a way apart from him.

I've read a theory where people who 'take' other people's wifes/husbands/partners are in some way trying to be the person they are taking the spouse away from. A kind of perverse envy if you like. What the fuck he's doing I don't know - he clearly cannot assess behaviour risks adequately - and bless you for your tattered but unfounded loyalty to him.

Explore all the options available to ensure you get the most out of this as you can and then walk away from them both.

As for the bitch yes OP has every right to refer to her like that, what planet do some of you come from?

The planet which says that directing your anger at the alcoholic who hasn't broken any marriage vows, is a waste of time. Yes she was wrong. Yes her behaviour was reprehensible and yes she should have known better. But it's the OP's Husband who is to blame. He's the one who has broken promises, who was sober and who should have said 'no'. He didn't suddenly trip and land ball-deep in her - he had a choice. It's him that the OP needs to get angry at. The OP is currently 'blame shifting' and it's a well known concept when you find out about an affair - you want to believe that your spouse has somehow had their head turned and that it wasn't their fault and that it was all down to the Evil Other Woman. Whilst the OW certainly has behaved appallingly, the OP needs to channel her fury and pain at her husband - because he's the one that cheated. Name calling just masks the issue - nobody is suggesting laying out the red carpet for the OW.

Apparently he truly cares for her and hopes their relationship will eventually cure her from drinking. He's convinced he's helping her. How naive can one be?

He's either arrogant, deluded or both. As a PP has said, does he truly think he has a magic penis? How does an alcoholic who is depressed and lonely recover their self-esteem and stability through an affair with a married man? He's taking the piss out of you OP. You know you can do - and deserve - better than this.

Also, a word in her parents ear would suffice . They asked him to keep an eye , check she is ok ? And he done THAT !?! As for you , if you don't kick him out you need your head looked at

Slut ? Not her who is the slut here .. . that would be your nasty husband

OP, I posted way back but whenever i post on here I'm accused of being a troll! No matter what issue confuses or concerns me, apparently it is beyond comprehension that a real person could post about something so far-fetched/dull/stupid/ludicrous. Literally. Every. Time.

I don't think it sounds like your H is a rapist. It sounds like he is only too delighted to have sex with a woman who's not in a great place though. And he's absolving himself of any guilt by just cheerfully announcing his plans to you.

I think you should draw up plans to make sure that YOU TOO get half the week free from responsibility when you split. You can be free to work if you don't work now. Free to go out, free to date, join a gym, go to the cinema, read, travel, take up a craft. I am a single parent and although my x is abusive so I couldn't have done this, I would advise anybody splitting up to agree to 50:50 so that they can go forth and build their own life

I guarantee you your H envisages a life where you accept this grudgingly and take 100% responsibility for the children. Even if he has thought about you kicking him out or splitting up he probably still visualises a situation where you have the children pretty much all the time.

If you split up, make sure that you are free as often as he is free. Let him know that you need excitement too! tell him that you look forward to interviewing, dating, exercising, taking up that hobby you neglected.

Nothing will take the wind out of his sails quicker

You deserve better, no matter what you agree on. Your husband is being a selfish, self absorbed tool. Your acceptance isn't going to do anything other than further enable his behaviour. When he gets tired of this one, he will move on to someone else. Why not? You're allowing it now, why wouldn't you allow it next time & the next time & the next?
You need to find the strength to stand up for yourself, get your pride & dignity back.
Acceptance is not the way forward. This is not the example to set for kids.
Let him move in with her....let him survive without you in his life.

Re rape; under mumsnet definition everybody I know has both raped and been raped... Who the fuck hasn't had drunk sex either while drunk, with a drunk or while both drunk? Does it count as rape if the man is drunk or is it only women who aren't able to consent? Fgs... It's one thing to be so drunk you're nearly unconscious and genuinely can't consent but there's nothing to suggest that. The woman invited him in for sex. I'm so sick of people equating drunk sex with rape. It minimises the true horror of rape to do that.

As for your arsehole husband. Do what's best for you and your kids. If you want to keep him for a while to maintain financial and familial stability until you find someone else or feel more comfortable going it alone, then do so.

If you dump him right now then he may realise what he's throwing away and wake up.

You're tolerating this to maintain your lifestyle. This is heartbreaking.