WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

if I mentioned her abortions, it's not to judge her for it, but to illustrate my husband's extreme stupidity in believing that unprotected sex is OK because she's on the pill

I didn't get the impression you were judging her for the abortions don't worry. I do however feel that that information is relevant as far as the fact that the kind of men who would believe someone they barely know is on the pill and not use something else is quite possibly the kind of men just like your husband who doesn't really care about her physical or mental health.

And quit possibly the fact she's fallen pregnant on the pill twice means she's sometimes perhaps too drunk or messed up to remember to take it properly. Which invalidates any suggestion she's lucid enough to fully consent

And get an std check, you don't know where either of them have been.

I haven't had sex with him since he first slept with her, and I don't intend to.

The whole mess started two weeks ago, so it's still very raw.

You haven't had sex with him.since he told you he first slept with her.

You don't know that was the first tims.

Indeed. Bearing in mind all you have said about the situation, it seems quite likely this is not the first time they have slept together. I wouldn't believe it's the first time he has cheated either. You should get an STD check for your own peace of mind and protection now you know your husband thinks it's acceptable to shag other people.

I wonder if your anger at the OW is misdirected. You should be angrier at your DH, he was patently "more" unfaithful to you because he vowed fidelity to you. She stayed with you for a few weeks, that's a drop in the ocean compared with sharing a home and a life for 20 years and having kids with you!! Consider whether this blaming of the OW is just you protecting yourself emotionally from accepting how awful DH's actions were. By understandably shielding yourself from that, you are justifying the route that looks less scary to you right now. But it doesn't make it the right choice. My worry is it's a house of cards.

Your DD's needs won't be best served by an unstable new situation which may collapse slowly over weeks or months, and houseful of stressed, angry and unhappy people. A child with ASD is not a reason to never change anything, it's a reason to manage change explicitly and positively. But, easy for me to say from my armchair, it's not my life that's affected.

You can't put your kids through this, you said you could keep it separate, they will find out.
Your children need better than this, poor mites.
You need to get some self respect and leave them to it.
He has chosen who he wants to be with emotionally and physically and it isn't you.
So sorry you are going through this, but do you really want your children raised by a rapist?

Your DH is taking a advantage of a vulnerable woman with an alcohol problem and you are considering turning a blind eye for financial security and an easy life. No one is covering themselves in glory in this grim set up.

If you really care about your children, more than keeping in with the money maker, you would not tolerate this. Your children will find out eventually and I suspect they will judge you harshly for your lack of integrity in allowing this sordid set up to continue.

Refuse to accept the situation and file for divorce. It is the only way to maintain your self respect and protect your children from getting dragged into a Jeremy Kyle shitstorm.

I appreciate all this is really new, but you need to start from the point that you can no longer trust your husband. You say 'Honest as he is' - but the truth is, you have no idea how honest he really is. He's just proven that everything you thought you knew about him is wrong. It's very likely, as PP have said, that there are more revelations to come and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I doubt very much that this is the first time he's been unfaithful.

There is no way that this situation can end well, and the longer you buy into your 'D'H's version of events, the longer you blame the OW rather than your DH, the more pain it's going to cause you and your children in the medium to long term.

There is nothing left to 'save'. The only way to minimise the impact of this on your children, to truly protect them if that is your main concern, is to end your marriage as soon as possible and concentrate on creating a new stable, safe home and family environment that does not depend on an unreliable, abusive, idiot.

Not sure how he's a rapist. She asked for the sex didn't she? Consenting adults and all that - I get that she was drunk but she's not sending him away whilst sober is she?

OP - your anger is already palpable. How long can you keep that up? Before getting ill?

I can understand you wanting to keep things stable for the kids and if you truly don't mind him shagging alcopop , then all could be fine ( find yourself a lover?)

But if your words are sham and you DO truly feel badly about the affair, I don't see how the set up can work.

I find it so sad reading many threads and experiences on MN how low some women set their bar of expectation for men. It seems that some women will put up with any kind of shit just to hold on to their man and their 'wonderful family life'.

Every time I read 'But he's such a good dad' and 'the kids love him' it infuriates me.

Kookie He's not faithful or trustworthy, he doesn't love you or devote himself to you and he's already had a negative impact on your family life. Are you sure he's never done this before or just never been caught out before?

Consenting adults and all that - I get that she was drunk but she's not sending him away whilst sober is she?

If this is how men treat her she's not really going to know any better is she.

Wouldn't be a problem, I would be a widow.

HTH

Not a chance. Tell him you will also be taking a lover and see how he likes that. The rat.

KookieDoll If he earns well enough that you can afford a holiday home, why couldn't you live off half the money/assets you could get in the divorce and spousal support?

I would smile and nod and let him get on with it.

With out his knowledge I would organise our finances and get my ducks in a row, see a solicitor and divorce him for adultery. There would be no discussions or compromises.

You need to split up. Steadily if you can, taking time to work out the best way for the kids. But staying in a marriage with this man is not a sacrifice you should make for anyone, not even your children (and I don't say that lightly).

One major factor here is that there's no way you'll be able to continue hiding your revulsion from the children long-term. Instability is not good, but it's better than growing up with parents who can't stand each other and treat each other disrespectfully. You are modelling adult relationships to them right now. They will quite likely seek out partnerships that resemble yours. This may be especially likely for your eldest with ASD, whose understanding may be quite literal - she won't necessarily know not to copy what she sees. If you can't model genuine love, please don't try - be honest and find a way forward as divorced parents.

I think that you'll find you can't deal with this for any length of time.
It is corrosive, and the children will notice the change in atmosphere in the house.
You are unlikely to be able to maintain a happy family situation with him, since you resent the fuck out of him putting you in this position, and you hate the woman he's done it with. You'd be superhuman to put this to the back of your mind in your day to day dealings with him.

I know of a situation where a man confessed to his wife that he'd been having an affair with her best friend for some years; he then had an extreme health event and she ended up being his carer for a few years. It had a very bad outcome - I'm not trying to suggest that it would be exactly that way for you, but her resentment corroded everything about their daily life, and her own personality.

I just wouldn't do it.

Rape, not rape, abuse, not abuse...nobody here can really make that judgement and it isn't really the key point for you.

Cheaters will always cheat again. I'd be wondering whether he already had and would therefore get an STD check anyway to make sure I was protecting myself as much as possible.

I don't think you can trade a 'stable' home life for your integrity and self-worth. Kids have a way of picking up on atmospheres and unspoken arguments and they will know something's up, if not what. The best thing you can do for your kids, especially daughters, is to show them what self-respect means and either leave or get rid of him. He can have as many affairs as he likes then.

He's been faithful for 20 years so now he's entitled to shag someone else? What does he get for 30 years??

You'd be absolutely mad to tolerate this.

Have some self respect - kick him out

Trouble

I would concentrate on yourself OP, neither of them are worth another second of your thoughts.

Use this situation as an opportunity to move on to a better life. Get a shit hot solicitor ASAP and plan your moves carefully. You deserve so much more and you now have the catalyst to go for it.

I find it extremely unlikely that this is the first time he's fucked around behind your back. It may, however, be the first time that he's met someone that he wants to carry on an affair with for the foreseeable future - hence the sudden disclosure and the urge to adopt a 'continental approach'

So on that basis I would echo the advice to get an STD check.

All these comments like "she owes you nothing, it's him you should be angry with" what a load of bollocks. OP is clearly angry and hurt by her husband that goes without saying. As for the bitch yes OP has every right to refer to her like that, what planet do some of you come from? The bitch owes her loyalty and gratitude for helping her out. Where I come from (and probably OP as well) that's what you expect from friends, especially ones that you have shown such generosity towards. Yes she is a pathetic prize bitch OP ignore those who think it is sophisticated to have a go at you for referring to her like that. And you are right to want to prevent another abortion (or baby born with foetal alcohol syndrome) but apparently that is also too judge too - WTF!!!! OP PLEASE, PLEASE LTB or at least prepare to. You will get maintenance and keep the house for a good long time to come. Someone said a few pages back " leave while you are still you" please heed these wise words.