Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

WWYD - angry friends dad really upset ds(13) :(

135 replies

WeAllHaveWings · 05/05/2017 23:35

Ds(13) was at a birthday party/disco tonight. He's in a moody teenager stage and quite emotional, but usually quite resilient. He was upset by something at the party (very recent ex gf of 9 months and a friend are now going out), so went to toilets to calm down/compose himself.

He thought the toilets were empty and banged one of the cubicle doors in frustration/anger, which would have been very loud. He didn't realise the birthday boys dad was in another cubicle. The dad came out the cubicle raging and shouting (ds heard him before he saw him, didn't know who it was/where they were coming from) then the dad proceeded to shout at him (no swearing, didn't touch him) very loudly for banging the door and ds was so frightened he wet himself! The dad them left, ds says the dad didn't know ds had wet himself.

We got a phone call from a very upset ds to come get him, he wouldn't come out of the cubicle until I arrived. I Didn't want to cause a scene at the party while it was still going on so left with ds before anyone noticed. Also gave me time to calm down from seeing ds so upset and decide what to do. Ds doesn't want me to do anything. He sometimes sleeps over at this boys house and the boy sometimes sleeps here which he enjoys.

dh is raging and wants to go to there's now and make sure he never speaks to ds like that again or else which is not helpful and won't be happening. So any conversations will happen tomorrow.

WWYD - the toilets were empty so no other witnesses to confirm how angry/intimidating this dad was/wasn't, just ds and the angry dad who I am presuming will minimise it if confronted.

OP posts:

mrsc1985 · 05/05/2017 23:59

Well op it depends on how tough your son is really? Because if he is usually a tough cookie being shouted at enough to piss himself with fear is absolutely abhorrent

Astro55 · 06/05/2017 00:03

Too young for girlfriends - no idea why you allow this

But wetting himself? What did the father say? If he was in a cubical why not just go?

I wouldn't say anything and embarrass DS any further

Shitalopram · 06/05/2017 00:10

13 is a natural age for girlfriends.

I would speak to the couple holding the party about it, but would struggle to do so. It does sound dreadful and of course you will be loyal to DS, but you do only have one version of events.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 00:13

Maybe you could think about talking to the friend's mother about this. She would know if her husband is usually a loud bullying type! And it would save the confrontation aspect. Maybe don't mention the wetting himself thing though, I'm sure your DS wouldn't want that known.
I mean, your DS Isn't likely to want to stay over at his friend's house again now, is he, so you'll need some kind of explanation.

defineme · 06/05/2017 00:14

What on earth did the dad say?

MonkeysInShoes · 06/05/2017 00:15

I wouldn't do anything

It sounds like a complete overreaction on your sons part. Which is understandable, for a hormonal, frustrated, angry, intense 13 year old. I think it's probably best to pretend it never happened

MonkeysInShoes · 06/05/2017 00:17

The dad probably had no idea who he was even talking to, he heard a teenage tantrum with banging doors, and gave him what for

KindDogsTail · 06/05/2017 00:18

It sounds as though the man reacted in s state of absolute rage and that is why it was so frightening for your poor ds.

Do you think he did that because he had got a shock when your ds banged on the cubicle and so he had had a "Fight" reaction (out of fight, flight or freeze)?

That is not to minimise the effect on your ds, but just to give a reason.

LovingLola · 06/05/2017 00:21

I think you need to help your son find ways to deal with his emotions..
What age was he when he began a relationship with his ex girlfriend? 12?

MakeItStopNeville · 06/05/2017 00:27

Shower, clean pjs, hot chocolate and a gentle chat and hug tonight with DS.

I would just call them tomorrow and ask what happened from their perspective. Don't get angry, just explain that he really scared your son. Do NOT mention he peed himself.

Poor kid! Hope he sleeps well tonight.

scottishdiem · 06/05/2017 00:30

Well your son was in the wrong for banging the cubicle and disturbing the man. Depending on circumstances he may have been standing there, cock out and mid stream. Surprising a man in those circumstances is hardly going to warrant a "steady on, cease with the unwarranted banging on cubicle walls, there's a good chap".

Also, being shouted at shouldn't warrant a bladder release. If a man giving a row without graphic threats of violence or getting physical causes that, you need to help your son develop some resilience.

Smellbellina · 06/05/2017 00:31

Too young for girlfriends - no idea why you allow this
Hahaha that's so funny.
Sorry OP. I think, wait and talk to your son. The man is irrelevant really.

grumpysquash3 · 06/05/2017 00:35

Yeah, sounds totally believable.
Does your DS have form for pissing himself when people respond to his behaviour?

Original poster

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 00:39

Mrsc he isn't tough as in hard, but he's no shrinking violet either, if an adult gave him a row I wouldn't expect tears and certainly not that level of fear.

Ds cant remember much of what he said other that if he'd broke the door the dad you need to pay for it as he'd hired the hall, what are you doing etc. There was no swearing but he was shouting at him loudly and close up, but it was the anger that frightened him.

If I do talk to them I would say he phoned from the cubicle to come and get him because he was scared to come out rather than he wet himself.

I think part of the reason he was so scared was he thought the loos were empty and he was alone and suddenly heard this angry man shouting at him and looked to the main toilet door but the dad appeared from behind him.

if dh did this to a just turned 13 yr old child I would be raging at him.

OP posts:

Nonibaloni · 06/05/2017 00:40

I'm not being horrible and I am sure your son thought he was alone but perhaps he was very aggressive.

At 13 he could be adult size (maybe not) and the dad could have interpreted it differently. The dad could have thought he was de escalating a situation, particularly if your son was visible upset about the break up too.

All very normal teenage stuff and adrenaline on top of that.

But I also think parents shouldn't lend any weight to teenage romance. I'll get flamed but I saw the affect it had on my friends when their parents were involved. My barely raised an eyebrow when I was 17 and tried to bring a bf home. I was a lot more practical with the drama.

Original poster

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 00:48

The teenage romance of 9 months is the reason he was upset but irrelevant to the incident really and not encouraged, they rarely see each other outside school and it hasn't progressed past handholding (no kissing), but he was rather soft on her.

OP posts:

captainproton · 06/05/2017 00:48

I think it was wrong for the man to get that shouty he made your son wet himself, but we have no idea whether your son had frightened him out of his skin. If someone started banging on the cubicle next to me in a rage it would freak me out. As someone said above my fight or flight instinct would kick in. I might choose a few choice words to try and come across as someone who isn't going to be made to feel threatened by the lunatic in the cubicle next to me. I would be mortified if they wet themselves but I don't think I'm that scary tbh. Your sons behaviour is not normal and tbh as he is approaching adulthood he's going to have to be prepared for people to respond to his behaviour like one adult to another.

The man had no way of knowing the age of the person in the loo. He just responded. He didn't physically assault him thankfully.

I would use it as a learning curve. Odd, violent outbursts of frustration are going to cause strangers to react in different ways - challenge, run away or involve police. Some responses obviously better than others. Your son needs to try and stop and think about how his behaviour will cause others to react.

Also I would be concerned if my DSS did this. Is this normal for him to be violent when things don't go his way? He has to be careful if he breaks someone's property or hurts someone he is not too young for police involvement.

Original poster

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 00:54

The man had no way of knowing the age of the person in the loo.

It was a private party for 12/13 year olds. He knows my son as he has slept over, been at his, given him lifts, a few times, goes to an activity with his son.

OP posts:

Solo · 06/05/2017 00:56

Better slamming a door than starting a fight/losing it in front of anyone else imo. Sounds as though the youngster thought he was alone. Equally it sounds like the oldie got a shock and shouted (I do this) in response to that. Apologies from both sides would be reasonable.

Original poster

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 00:57

I wouldn't call a hormonal 13 year old banging a toilet door violent out of frustration violent, it is not a regular occurrence for him. He isn't violent at all, never involved in fights/arguments at school etc.

OP posts:

captainproton · 06/05/2017 00:58

He was the only adult male there?

Anyway I wouldn't seek to pursue this eith the man your son has learned a lesson.

You can't honestly justify going apeshit in a cubicle because he's got a bit upset over a girl.

What's next? If he can't learn to control his anger will he take it out on his next girlfriend?

I think that's the bigger problem here.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/05/2017 00:59

Well exactly - the dad knew it was going to be a 12/13 year old boy in the boys' toilets at a private birthday party for a 13 year old. There was really no need for any rage.

I guess what you have to unpick is how angry he was and what tipped ds over the edge with the toileting. My ds is 11 and will still wait till the last possible moment to go to the loo. It could actually be something as simple as ds left it too long, got emotional, everything happened at once and he just couldn't hold on.

TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 01:01

This sounds a bit odd but assuming it's real...

It's IMPOSSIBLE to know if the man was unreasonable or not without being there yourself. It's understandable that the man was angry that your son was hammering on the cubicle door in "frustration/anger" . I'm a calm person but I think I would have shouted at him too, I'm pretty sure I'd have sworn as well.

I'd be concerned about the fact he wet himself. Had he been drinking?

I think I'd go with the tea and some measured sympathy and never mention it again.

Original poster

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 01:01

He never went apeshit he banged a cubicle door once. He knows I plan to talk to the dad to get his side so knows not worth lying.

OP posts:

Solo · 06/05/2017 01:01

I think it's a normal reaction from an angry/upset teen boy; my Ds punched his bedroom door (and broke it) because he was angry and upset and he is a big softy... I've known grown men punch walls through anger/frustration.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6