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Original poster

WWYD - angry friends dad really upset ds(13) :(

135 replies

WeAllHaveWings · 05/05/2017 23:35

Ds(13) was at a birthday party/disco tonight. He's in a moody teenager stage and quite emotional, but usually quite resilient. He was upset by something at the party (very recent ex gf of 9 months and a friend are now going out), so went to toilets to calm down/compose himself.

He thought the toilets were empty and banged one of the cubicle doors in frustration/anger, which would have been very loud. He didn't realise the birthday boys dad was in another cubicle. The dad came out the cubicle raging and shouting (ds heard him before he saw him, didn't know who it was/where they were coming from) then the dad proceeded to shout at him (no swearing, didn't touch him) very loudly for banging the door and ds was so frightened he wet himself! The dad them left, ds says the dad didn't know ds had wet himself.

We got a phone call from a very upset ds to come get him, he wouldn't come out of the cubicle until I arrived. I Didn't want to cause a scene at the party while it was still going on so left with ds before anyone noticed. Also gave me time to calm down from seeing ds so upset and decide what to do. Ds doesn't want me to do anything. He sometimes sleeps over at this boys house and the boy sometimes sleeps here which he enjoys.

dh is raging and wants to go to there's now and make sure he never speaks to ds like that again or else which is not helpful and won't be happening. So any conversations will happen tomorrow.

WWYD - the toilets were empty so no other witnesses to confirm how angry/intimidating this dad was/wasn't, just ds and the angry dad who I am presuming will minimise it if confronted.

OP posts:

captainproton · 06/05/2017 01:02

You only have your sons word for how strongly he went at the door. Obviously it freaked a grown man out.

When toddlers throw temper tantrums with their toys they are surprisingly strong. Now extrapolate that up to a 13 year old.

If your son was upset I doubt he just rattled it a little.

captainproton · 06/05/2017 01:04

Hand on heart I've never known a bloke to punch a wall or anything out of frustration. Certainly would be talking to my DSS (15) and DS about calming themselves down before causing damage/injuries. It's not normal and has the potential to ruin their lives if the spur of the moment outburst accidentally led to another person getting hurt.

BlueKarou · 06/05/2017 01:06

Without having been there I have to assume that both parties should have handled themselves better. Teens can be rather emotional, stomping around like their world has ended, it's part of growing up, but they do need to understand their impact on the people around them, and adults need to react appropriately to said emotional teens.

In an ideal world your son would apologise for slamming the door - it was rather unnecessary and could have caused damage. The man would then apologise for overreacting and shouting.

In reality I don't know how easy that would be to set up. I can't see many an adult being gracious enough to apologise to a young lad.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families

Original poster

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 01:06

Had he been drinking?. Yes, probably Tango. They are 12/13 Alcohol isn't an issue in their group.

OP posts:

Smellbellina · 06/05/2017 01:07

Tbh if I'd hired a hall and heard a teen punching doors in the toilets I'd tell them to pack it in sharpish too. Whatever their problem is I wouldn't want to lose my deposit over it.
Your DS really needs to learn not to hit stuff in frustration. It's quite aggressive. And aggression is oft met with greater aggression. On this occasion, he ended up intimidated rather than intimidating.

TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 01:08

I think it's a normal reaction from an angry/upset teen boy

I disagree, I know it's not unheard of but I have been very concerned if any of my sons had done something like that growing up. It shows a lack of control.

It's really, really unacceptable for an adult male to have such poor control of their temper that they have to bash things.

Solo · 06/05/2017 01:08

I have captain and none of them were scrappers or would hit a person - hence targeting the wall.

user1491572121 · 06/05/2017 01:08

All this is awful for your poor DS....a grown man shouting at him.

BUT I am shocked at the amount of people saying that hitting things in anger is "normal" for a boy.

Then these people are the ones saying LEAVE HIM when women post on here scared of their husbands' punching walls.

It's NOT ok for men or boys or ANYONE to hit things in anger.

At 13 he's not scary....at 17...he would be.

Teach him to manage his anger.

captainproton · 06/05/2017 01:10

Well I guess if you want to live your lives where you deal with your frustrations by taking it out on other people's property and think it's all fine and dandy, then the man is 100% in the wrong.

But maybe he's just a pissed off that your son nearly broke a toilet door and is thinking of how he may have to pay for it to be repaired and possibly never be able to hire that venue again.

Still think you and your raging DH need to teach your son ways to keep calm when upset.

Smellbellina · 06/05/2017 01:12

I've known grown men punch walls through anger/frustration.
So have I, they all turned out to be people i couldn't respect. I should have paid closer attention to the habit of hitting things in anger/frustration when it was just inanimate objects.
I would take this as a golden opportunity to help your DS learn why it's a really poor way to handle his anger/frustration rather then fretting about the adult male that really, isn't your problem.

TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 01:12

At 13 he's not scary....at 17...he would be

Plenty of 13 year olds are big and strong and even if the OPs son was small he, presumably, would still have come across as aggressive and out of control albeit momentarily.

user1491572121 · 06/05/2017 01:13

TwoDays I thought about that after I'd written it and realised that some of the boys in my 12 year old DD's class are taller than me....so you're right.

captainproton · 06/05/2017 01:14

Solo - does that not worry you that some men (and possibly women) in your life can only deal with situations by getting physical when angry?

Surely punching a wall would cause them serious hand injuries? And if plasterboard damage?

TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 01:14

user149157212. Sorry, I just realized that I misread your post and my previous post looks snippy when it shouldn't .

Smellbellina · 06/05/2017 01:14

I think users point was that it's a pattern of behaviour to actively discourage

Smellbellina · 06/05/2017 01:15

Oops sorry Two

TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 01:15

xpost with user1491572121

Original poster

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 01:16

He never punched a wall, he banged a toilet cubicle door open with the flat of his hand and it made a lot of noise. He is not and has never been violent, that is not a concern, it is a moments loss of control over new emotions and we will talk about that. He did a good thing going to the toilet to calm down.

He is the kind of boy that will stand between a bully to stop his friend getting hit just by talking, but has never been hit or hit anyone else. Terrifies me that one day he'll try to stick up for a friend and get a punch.

OP posts:

Solo · 06/05/2017 01:17

I'm not saying it's a good thing to punch doors/walls and I still have a broken door but I still maintain that better the wall than a person. And yes, I lived with a violent man who never once hit a door or wall...only me. I don't think one thing automatically leads to the other.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 01:18

"captainproton Sat 06-May-17 01:04:25
Hand on heart I've never known a bloke to punch a wall or anything out of frustration."

Good for you! Doesn't mean they don't exist. In fact some women do it too - I have done it myself (not actually damaged the wall, hurt my hand a lot more in fact)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 01:20

And slamming a door IS a normal teen reaction when upset/frustrated - it's just that toilet cubicle doors make more noise than the average bedroom/house door.

I can see that the Dad would be concerned about damage and losing his deposit, but that's still not enough to go off pop at him.

Smellbellina · 06/05/2017 01:23

He never punched a wall, he banged a toilet cubicle door open with the flat of his hand and it made a lot of noise
However he went about it it was enough to make someone concerned he was being aggressive and apparently aggressively confront him in return. So if you are concerned about him being punched in the future that really is something to be mindful of.
Going to the toilet to calm down is sensible, smacking doors about whilst in there isn't.

Solo · 06/05/2017 01:23

Captain no the only man in my life is my son. I don't incite violence or encourage it. Hate it in fact, but I'd choose the wall over a nose any day.

captainproton · 06/05/2017 01:24

Then I think you need to concentrate on the loss of control aspect and use the example of this man shouting at him as a consequence of his actions. Do not try to blame him for this and use him as a scapegoat. Your son got himself into such a state he took it out on a door and when challenged over his aggressive behaviour (and it is btw), he wet himself. how you manage this incident may impact on how your son reacts in future.

And puberty turns the sweetest boys into god awful nightmares. But by the time they get past it they return to normal (sort of).

user1491572121 · 06/05/2017 01:24

Thumb the thing is that it's not normal in public place. It's perhaps ok at home...slam a door whatever. But damaging property at a party even in the toilets is NOT ok and it's not something most kids would do.

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