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Original poster

WWYD - angry friends dad really upset ds(13) :(

135 replies

WeAllHaveWings · 05/05/2017 23:35

Ds(13) was at a birthday party/disco tonight. He's in a moody teenager stage and quite emotional, but usually quite resilient. He was upset by something at the party (very recent ex gf of 9 months and a friend are now going out), so went to toilets to calm down/compose himself.

He thought the toilets were empty and banged one of the cubicle doors in frustration/anger, which would have been very loud. He didn't realise the birthday boys dad was in another cubicle. The dad came out the cubicle raging and shouting (ds heard him before he saw him, didn't know who it was/where they were coming from) then the dad proceeded to shout at him (no swearing, didn't touch him) very loudly for banging the door and ds was so frightened he wet himself! The dad them left, ds says the dad didn't know ds had wet himself.

We got a phone call from a very upset ds to come get him, he wouldn't come out of the cubicle until I arrived. I Didn't want to cause a scene at the party while it was still going on so left with ds before anyone noticed. Also gave me time to calm down from seeing ds so upset and decide what to do. Ds doesn't want me to do anything. He sometimes sleeps over at this boys house and the boy sometimes sleeps here which he enjoys.

dh is raging and wants to go to there's now and make sure he never speaks to ds like that again or else Hmm which is not helpful and won't be happening. So any conversations will happen tomorrow.

WWYD - the toilets were empty so no other witnesses to confirm how angry/intimidating this dad was/wasn't, just ds and the angry dad who I am presuming will minimise it if confronted.

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 06/05/2017 07:16

Oh op that's awful. I would absolutely want to speak to the dad to try and get to the bottom of it so it can be dealt with from there BUT if your DS doesn't want you to do anything then I think that should be respected too.

I'm so sad at some of these replies. This is a 13 year old CHILD who for whatever reason wet himself after an adult shouted at him. Seriously ask yourselves if you'd be saying the same if it were a 13 year old girl. I highly fucking doubt it.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 07:21

I would. And I have shouted at 13/14/15 year old girls who were acting the goat (one memorable evening messing about in my house slamming bathroom door). I swore too.

And I'm not sorry. They are 13. If they can't behave they get a bollocking if they are in my house or I am the adult in charge.

Believe me, 13 is the easy bit. It gets harder. And the stuff they do gets more challenging.

Pure laughing my socks off at thinking you know for certain that a 13 year old hasn't gone past hand holding. How do you know? (Parent of a DS, who age 13/14 had a girlfriend and the mum and dad landed to my door to complain that DS has been feeling her boobs. All consensual, they were the parents felt they should be holding hands and kissing - no tongues - only at their age)

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 07:22

*they were dating

Phone ate that word.

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13 year olds Families
Quickieat2 · 06/05/2017 07:26

It depends on the interaction. It would have been fine for the man to tell him off. Not fine for the man to go apeshit.

Quickieat2 · 06/05/2017 07:27

Tell them the reason behind him slapping the door

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 07:27

I've gone apeshit at other people's kids when they've been acting the lemon.

InfiniteSheldon · 06/05/2017 07:29

Can't behave gets a bollocking. Doesn't want you to say anything probably as he doesn't want his version of the story challenged.

Mothervulva · 06/05/2017 07:36

I agree with LavenderDoll, I think what happened was a fairly obvious series of events. He shouldn't be smacking doors and got told off for it. Maybe dad was a little over the top, but I'd be pissed off if I was mid wee and some kid was whacking toilet doors. I think he'll learn something from this. It would be interesting to hear the Dad's pov though...

Whatsforu · 06/05/2017 07:37

I would be speaking to the dad as he was the one that lost it. The people that are going on about anger for goodness sake the lad took himself off to calm down. Does nobody remember fluctuating hormones? I feel for the lad.

Original poster
WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 09:28

Lots of comments to think over. Will probably see either the dad and/or mum this morning at football.

And you have absolutely no idea how "far" the teenage romance had progressed.

I'm pretty confident of how far it did/didn't progress. It was mostly in school, no dating and they always hang about in a group so were never alone. It was really just a very close friendship, but she doesn't want to speak to him anymore which has upset him.

The man who confronted him wasn't to know, all he was aware of was aggressive behaviour, which is what made your son vulnerable to someone trying to 'out-aggressive' him as it were

Agree with this learning point for ds and it will be talked about. But it is not acceptable for a grown man to out-aggressive a 13 year old child to this extent. It was a closed party, he must have know it was a child and would have seen pretty quickly it was ds who was alone and angry/upset.

ds never apologised for slamming the door or said anything at all, he said he just stood there while he shouted at him because he didn't want to upset him (rabbit caught in headlights).

Haven't spoken to ds this morning as we all slept in for football and I've dropped him off already for pre match talks/warmup.

OP posts:
ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 09:30

If he never apologised that makes it worse.

You have NO IDEA how far the romance progressed.

You are going to get your eyes opened in the next few years.

KindDogsTail · 06/05/2017 09:31

The people that are going on about anger for goodness sake the lad took himself off to calm down.

The man was inside the cubicle peeing. He did not know the boy had come into the room to calm down and needed to thump the cubicle to get calm. The man had a shocked, angry reaction. He had a right to be there in peace. Your son did not have a right to go and start thumping.

I am sorry for the DS, but isn't this possibly snowflaking him?

Perhaps OP you and your son might go see the dad, explain what happened, apologise for banging on the door, and see if the Dad apologises in return.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 09:32

I can't believe he didn't apologise. What kind of attitude does that show?

Minniemagoo · 06/05/2017 09:42

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
If your son says he slammed the door open, in an empty bathroom it probably sounded way worse and the dad interrupted mid stream and also financially responsible for any damages reacted.
He shouted. Your already upset son, who it sounds like hasn't come accross someone shouting at him before had an extreme reaction.
I'd reinforce to your son that he did the right thing calling you but I don't think I'd take it up with the Dad.
Also I agree with others. If he's had a girlfriend you have no idea how far they went. Sounds like it meant a lot more than a friendship to him.

Original poster
WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 09:47

He never apologised because the dad was ranting aggressively in his face and and was too scared to say anything. He is not one to hold back on apologies. If you ask his close friends parents what he is like they will tell you he is a very kind boy always watching out in case someone else is hurt or struggling.

I am very aware of his faults but he is not a violent, underage drinking, sexually active snowflake. Hmm. You need to trust me on that one. He is a normal teenager who got upset and slammed a toilet door. If the dad had come out and told him off/to stop it he would have apologised automatically. He was too scared to say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2017 09:48

....and we don't hold back telling him off at home, especially dh who doesn't stand for any nonsense.

OP posts:
ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 09:50

I didnt say he was sexually active but you are being incredibly naive if you are categorically sure they did no more than hand hold and didn't even kiss.

The only child I ever knew to wet themselves as a teen had been drinking. That is not a normal response to being shouted at, even bawled out.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 09:50

And what he did was violent. You are making excuses for that. He's learnt that if you are violent, you beget violence. Good lesson to learn in that way and not when he's been doing the same in a club toilet age 18 and got a battering for it.

LiarLawyer · 06/05/2017 09:55

Did all this happen in the friend's house or in a different location?

CaptainBrickbeard · 06/05/2017 09:58

The boy was absolutely terrified, by the sounds of it. I remember being so paralysed with fear during a telling-off that I couldn't speak to apologise at a similar age.

People are assuming that this 13 year old boy is big, strong and aggressive. Also insinuating that he's drinking and lying and sexually active. I work with teenagers and have met thousands of them over the years. Some 13 year olds are very much like this, others are still little boys. Some tower above me, others are tiny. A lot of young teenagers are still very innocent, vulnerable and naive- they are not all swaggering around necking vodka on the sly. Whilst some of the boys this age I can think of would definitely be like this, I know plenty who would be petrified in such a situation and I can imagine that if someone already desperate for a wee who is suddenly terrified by a fully grown man emerging behind them when they thought they were alone and shouting aggressively at them - yeah, they may well wet themselves. I bet he feels humiliated and devastated by it. I'm sure he has learned a lesson about male aggression.

He slammed a door - fine to reprimand him. But from the sounds of it, this bloke hugely overreacted with a horrifying display of rage. It doesn't sound like a bollocking of a cocky, streetwise teen who needs putting in his place. It sounds like an adult unleashing a shocking tirade of extreme anger against a young boy.

A lot of teenagers are very difficult, but a lot are lovely. They are all going through a pretty tumultuous time and make errors of judgement. Yes, discipline and boundaries and teaching respect is important but adults should be showing far better self control and restraint. I would have no problem with this guy telling the kid off but shouting at him, getting up close and intimidating him - that is not acceptable.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 10:03

I never insinuated he was sexually active - all I said was that there was likely to be more to the GF / BF thing than holding hands.

DS wasn't sexually active at 14 but him and his then GF were snogging round the back of the bike sheds and they were mutually feeling up.

GahBuggerit · 06/05/2017 10:04

So a grown fucking man can be shocked/scared enough over a loud noise is to be sympathised with for shouting so hard he made a CHILD wet themselves but the possibility that the CHILD was scared/shocked that he didn't apologise is what? Not on? He should apologise after an ADULT made him, a CHILD, wet himself?

A kid banging a door does not justify them being humiliated like that by an adult.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 10:06

How many kids wet themselves when shouted at age 13? Genuine question - I've shouted at a lot of kids and bawled a lot out for misbehaviour and I've never experienced that (although one boy wet himself when drunk, as I've said)

Darkblueskies · 06/05/2017 10:07

I work in a school and some of the 13 year olds are really frightening, especially when they get angry and go round punching walls and slamming doors. I think the man has had a shocked reaction of anger. You could speak to him about it. He may well have an entirely different outlook on the scenario.

CaptainBrickbeard · 06/05/2017 10:10

I'd assume he would only wet himself in that situation if already pretty desperate for a wee. But it demonstrates to me how extreme the bloke's display of rage must have been. Sure, I've told off plenty of teens as well but I'm not physically intimidating. It's different to tell off a teenager in a classroom or whatever to suddenly springing out of a toilet cubicle they didn't know you were in and ranting and raving at them - particularly if this is a big man, we don't know. But if a six foot five rugby player jumped out at a kid and started bellowing, then I can imagine they might wet themselves. It's a very extreme reaction but I don't think it means alcohol would have to be involved. To me, that's what shows the man's rage to have been massively disproportionate rather than suggesting to me that the boy was drunk.