WWYD - angry friends dad really upset ds(13) :(

[WeAllHaveWings]

Ds(13) was at a birthday party/disco tonight. He's in a moody teenager stage and quite emotional, but usually quite resilient. He was upset by something at the party (very recent ex gf of 9 months and a friend are now going out), so went to toilets to calm down/compose himself.

He thought the toilets were empty and banged one of the cubicle doors in frustration/anger, which would have been very loud. He didn't realise the birthday boys dad was in another cubicle. The dad came out the cubicle raging and shouting (ds heard him before he saw him, didn't know who it was/where they were coming from) then the dad proceeded to shout at him (no swearing, didn't touch him) very loudly for banging the door and ds was so frightened he wet himself! The dad them left, ds says the dad didn't know ds had wet himself.

We got a phone call from a very upset ds to come get him, he wouldn't come out of the cubicle until I arrived. I Didn't want to cause a scene at the party while it was still going on so left with ds before anyone noticed. Also gave me time to calm down from seeing ds so upset and decide what to do. Ds doesn't want me to do anything. He sometimes sleeps over at this boys house and the boy sometimes sleeps here which he enjoys.

dh is raging and wants to go to there's now and make sure he never speaks to ds like that again or else which is not helpful and won't be happening. So any conversations will happen tomorrow.

WWYD - the toilets were empty so no other witnesses to confirm how angry/intimidating this dad was/wasn't, just ds and the angry dad who I am presuming will minimise it if confronted.

Well, the man was in the bathroom quietly having a pee and bang bash wallop. He thought he was going to have to pay for any damage done and the boy didn't apologise right away when the man started to rant?

Come on, he's not exactly squeaky clean here.

He could easily have stuck that man with a ££ repair bill.

Well I personally don't know every 13 year old so can't comment, and the only times I've known someone piss themselves over drinking is because they were extremely drunk which doesn't sound like the case here as I'm sure op would have noticed.

I have known a 11, nearly 12 year old girl wet herself though. SS didn't seem to think she deserved it in any way

If I had hired a hall and would be responsible for any damages I think I would lose my rag at some kid kicking shit out of the toilets.
Although yes yes your son hit it once, gently really, practically a stroke really blah blah...
Do you get me?

The adult might have started raging as a fight or flight response but when he saw it was a familiar child he was raging at, he should have got a grip and controlled his own behaviour better. Continuing to behave aggressively is unacceptable but you need to try to work out how long his behaviour lasted for.
I completely understand your DS's rabbit in a headlight non apology in those circumstances.
Some learning to be done by both I think.

I'm pretty sure op would have noticed if the toilets had the shit kicked out of them

Unfortunately a scared, rabbit-in-the-headlights, silent teen can look exactly like a sullen, unrepentant teen or a sulky, guilty teen from the outside. So meeting with the dad might not go well.

Yup. The difference is in the eyes though which you might not spot if you're in a rage and not very experienced dealing with teens.

So, just to check, if my DS friend comes here, has a falling out with my DS and slams/bangs my toilet door, I'm hunky dory to shout so hard I make him wet himself, shut himself in the toilet and ring his mum, that's fine?

And I'll be ok to make my DS wet himself if he slams/bangs a door?

Dad possibly pissed on himself too.

Not imo no. I think the adult needs to take a good look at his behaviour but we only know the son's story at the moment. I'd be interested to know if it's a one off or does he usually have a nasty temper.
How does the ds feel about going to his friend's house in future?

How on earth do you "make" a kid wet himself? The man had no way of linking "shout at this annoying boy" with "annoying boy will wet himself".

OP, does your son bang doors / walls at home when he's upset? Or would he only do it in a public place?

That would be my main concern, that he seems to have little respect for other people's property (as long as he thinks he won't be caught). Hopefully he's learnt that through this experience, and will be able to better control his emotions in future. This could actually be a good thing for him to have gone through.

In the dad's position I would also have expressed my extreme displeasure with the child's behaviour, regardless of his age / size.

Oh I've just seen that your DS stays at his house.

Absolutely raise it with the dad, you need to know your DS will be safe there again and he, and the mum, need to know he made your DS wet himself out of fear.

The dad needs to apologise first, then maybe get your DS to apologise for scaring him sooooooo much with a loud noise, the poor lamb. He must have been terrified

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle

This is very likely true but it's impossible to say unless you were there. I could gaurentee that the Dad and the boys versions are very different.

Absolutely raise it with the dad, you need to know your DS will be safe there again and he, and the mum, need to know he made your DS wet himself out of fear

You are kidding . Trust me no 13 year old boy wants his mates Parents knowing he wet himself for whatever reason.

I think your son has had the perfect illustration of what an unchecked violent outburst can have on other people. Perhaps he should reflect on how he wants to manage his own temper in future.

Must admit I didn't think of that [embarassed]

There's no way then of getting across to this grown up what happened I guess.

Absolutely raise it with the dad, you need to know your DS will be safe there again

If I was the friends mum, yes I would look at my husbands behaviour but I sure as hell wouldn't have the ops son in my house again. Irrespective of whether the mans reaction was acceptable or not the DS's beaviour was violent.

Poor bloody kid.

Some people are utter cunts to teenagers. I'm raging on your behalf op, and totally see where your dh is coming from. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a complete lightweight I'd want to punch that dad's fucking lights out

I must admit I'm a bit puzzled at some of these replies. The lad slammed the door!!!! I take it people on here with teens have never had them slam a door at home? It's not like he attacked someone, he took himself off to calm down. I would say that's responsible especially at 13 and hormones all over the place.

Whatsforu If mine slammed doors at home they were told it was unacceptable.

I get the feeling that the OP's son has minimised the amount of "banging" that he did.

Of course you tell the it is unacceptable which I'm sure OP has. It is not acceptable for a grown man to shout in the face of a 13 year old he should of had more control. He is the adult after all.

I agree the mans behaviour is not acceptable but I wouldn't excuse the son's behaviour either. The op is doing that, she states he isn't violent but what he did is violent and that needs to not be ignored either.

If I was the adult I would have initially been very annoyed that someone smacked a door next to where I was having a wee. But being a sane, rational type I'd have also noticed that it was my sons 13 year old friend that I know to be a nice kid, and calmed down enough to find out what had prompted the outburst and see what I could do.

Raving until that child lost bladder control wouldn't have been anywhere near my reaction. If you did that to an adult you'd likely meet and equally aggressive reaction. I think the Dad sounds like he totally lost control.