WWYD - angry friends dad really upset ds(13) :(

[WeAllHaveWings]

Ds(13) was at a birthday party/disco tonight. He's in a moody teenager stage and quite emotional, but usually quite resilient. He was upset by something at the party (very recent ex gf of 9 months and a friend are now going out), so went to toilets to calm down/compose himself.

He thought the toilets were empty and banged one of the cubicle doors in frustration/anger, which would have been very loud. He didn't realise the birthday boys dad was in another cubicle. The dad came out the cubicle raging and shouting (ds heard him before he saw him, didn't know who it was/where they were coming from) then the dad proceeded to shout at him (no swearing, didn't touch him) very loudly for banging the door and ds was so frightened he wet himself! The dad them left, ds says the dad didn't know ds had wet himself.

We got a phone call from a very upset ds to come get him, he wouldn't come out of the cubicle until I arrived. I Didn't want to cause a scene at the party while it was still going on so left with ds before anyone noticed. Also gave me time to calm down from seeing ds so upset and decide what to do. Ds doesn't want me to do anything. He sometimes sleeps over at this boys house and the boy sometimes sleeps here which he enjoys.

dh is raging and wants to go to there's now and make sure he never speaks to ds like that again or else which is not helpful and won't be happening. So any conversations will happen tomorrow.

WWYD - the toilets were empty so no other witnesses to confirm how angry/intimidating this dad was/wasn't, just ds and the angry dad who I am presuming will minimise it if confronted.

He didn't "slam the door".

He thumped it.

Sorry, "banged" it with his hand or fist. And that's the version he's told his mum, so I suspect that's the minimising version of what happened.

I think all you can do is talk to the day and explain DS was really upset. I suspect he'll think he's in the right though.

You can only slam a cubicle door though right or else it would need to be locked from the inside. If you punched it it would just swing away from you. Possibly over thinking this.

I think that it is very obvious here that the DS isn't telling the truth, but because there is a shouting adult in the equation people have bought into his version of events. But if you look at the facts we have to hand vs the version of events he gave the OP:

He told the OP he went into the toilets to calm down and slammed the door not realising that there was anyone else in there. So, presumably if he'd known there were others in the toilets he wouldn't have slammed the door? So in fact it seems that he went to a place where he thought he wouldn't be seen in order to vent his anger and frustration on some property rather than on a human being. He thought he was safe to punch doors etc in anger because no-one would see him and if any damage had occurred he couldn't be brought to account. Except someone else was there, and shouted as soon as the noise started. Slamming which must have been pretty bad to cause an adult to come out shouting. The DS was presumably shocked at having been found to be prone to violent outbursts when everyone sees him as a soft lad, and wet himself. Was that an accident I wonder? or a sure way of being able to ensure that his mum wouldn't speak to the dad about it because of the embarrassment it would cause?

Question is, how much damage would he have done if he hadn't been caught? And while some teenagers slam doors in frustration, that doesn't make it ok or acceptable.

Sorry but I wouldn't go and speak to the dad with all guns blazing, I'd be wanting to know what really happened, because the thirteen year old's version of events doesn't ring true.

I am wondering if the man who must have been in a cubical either had the door hit whilst he was in there or if the OP' DS hitting the door almost or did hit him in the face.

Wannabe, I'm not convinced by your version of events where he set out to deliberately trash the place and then wet himself on purpose - that would be incredibly manipulative and I'd say very few teens would decide wetting themselves intentionally was a good way out of anything - can you imagine if any of the other kids had seen? I really, really don't think a teenager would risk being the boy who pissed himself forevermore in order to escape a telling off. That's a pretty twisted thought process. None of us can know, but I'd say it's far more likely he slammed the door in an immature act of teenage petulance - which certainly requires a reprimand, but isn't out of the ordinary - and got frightened by the telling off he received. I wouldn't go in guns blazing because I don't think an aggressive approach is ever likely to yield results; something the boy in question needs to learn and the grown man should have learned a long way back but clearly hasn't.

I'm not suggesting he set out to deliberately trash the place, but clearly he went there in anger and intended to have an angry outburst involving fists on surfaces etc in a place where he thought he wouldn't be discovered.

"Going to the toilets to calm down" and "punched/slammed/hit the door" are clearly contradictory statements, and given he did the latter it seems clear that the former wasn't that much on his mind....

Teens will almost always downplay their involvement In anything. They never meant to do/say it, someone else was almost always the protagonist, and they are usually being unfairly treated.

The man may well have shouted loudly enough to scare the shit out of him, but it's also likely that he was scared by it more because he wasn't expecting it rather than because it was sooooo aggressive.

If he was slamming doors etc then he deserved to be shouted at...

Your poor ds. I bet he was very scared. I'm sorry people on here have made him out to be a violent thug who got what he deserved. Utter bollocks. This man could have asked him in a clear and loud way what he was doing, instead he terrified him. Not acceptable and my sons would not be going to their house again if he's prone to such violent outbursts (the dad I mean). By all means chat to your son further to ensure there isn't more to it. You know actually if there was more than your ds said, if he had been in there kicking and vandalising property, you know angry aggressive dad would have told you. The fact he didn't (correct me if I'm wrong) speaks volumes. I'm very upset at all the grown ups on here that think its acceptable, at a party, to behave as aggressively as this. Hope your ds is ok.

It sounds as if the friend's dad completely over-reacted.There's absolutely no justification for behaving like that with a young teenager. Had the dad been drinking?

People saying your son needs to be 'more resilient' have obviously never been unfortunate enough to meet a very intimidating, angry man. It sounds as if the poor lad was terrified.

I wouldn't let your ds go to their house again OP, honestly.

One thing that concerns me about this situation, and it is a bit of a projection because your son is who he is, not my friend - but a friend of mine had an incident when she was a young teen, where a girl-at-her-school's mum went off at my friend on the bus, completely out of the blue, yelling in her face, being completely aggressive and scary. My friend ended up with PTSD because of this attack (unwarranted) and still has problems years later.

So I think your son should be treated gently over this, to some extent, because I'd hate to think that he has long-lasting repercussions from it.