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Original poster

WWYD - angry friends dad really upset ds(13) :(

135 replies

WeAllHaveWings · 05/05/2017 23:35

Ds(13) was at a birthday party/disco tonight. He's in a moody teenager stage and quite emotional, but usually quite resilient. He was upset by something at the party (very recent ex gf of 9 months and a friend are now going out), so went to toilets to calm down/compose himself.

He thought the toilets were empty and banged one of the cubicle doors in frustration/anger, which would have been very loud. He didn't realise the birthday boys dad was in another cubicle. The dad came out the cubicle raging and shouting (ds heard him before he saw him, didn't know who it was/where they were coming from) then the dad proceeded to shout at him (no swearing, didn't touch him) very loudly for banging the door and ds was so frightened he wet himself! The dad them left, ds says the dad didn't know ds had wet himself.

We got a phone call from a very upset ds to come get him, he wouldn't come out of the cubicle until I arrived. I Didn't want to cause a scene at the party while it was still going on so left with ds before anyone noticed. Also gave me time to calm down from seeing ds so upset and decide what to do. Ds doesn't want me to do anything. He sometimes sleeps over at this boys house and the boy sometimes sleeps here which he enjoys.

dh is raging and wants to go to there's now and make sure he never speaks to ds like that again or else Hmm which is not helpful and won't be happening. So any conversations will happen tomorrow.

WWYD - the toilets were empty so no other witnesses to confirm how angry/intimidating this dad was/wasn't, just ds and the angry dad who I am presuming will minimise it if confronted.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 01:27

He was in the toilets, he thought he was on his own, that's why he did it there - it's not like it was the hall door.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 01:28

And he didn't damage it - he just pushed it hard so it slammed back!

Solo · 06/05/2017 01:28

Smacking a door in a public toilet with an open hand is very unlikely to break it. I apprecate it is possible but not likely.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families
captainproton · 06/05/2017 01:31

Solo - sorry to hear that.

I don't understand, do we not teach young children to handle their emotions so as not to hurt themselves, others, toys etc? When does it suddenly become acceptable to start lashing out at things to calm down?

And thumb witches you have somewhat proved my point, you hurt your hand. Now imagine if OPs DS punched a wall the week of his GCSEs and couldn't write. That would be why we teach our children not to lash out. Or what if the DS Punched something and it caused an indirect injury to another person?

user1491572121 · 06/05/2017 01:31

Thumb...it's not all about him being alone. It's more about the disrespect for the property and he didn't know he was alone...he had not thought about it...it's an obvious consideration, someone else could be there.

All the excusing of male agression here is disgusting. The Dad was awful and the boy was very misguided.

Smellbellina · 06/05/2017 01:31

The man who confronted him wasn't to know, all he was aware of was aggressive behaviour, which is what made your son vulnerable to someone trying to 'out-aggressive' him as it were

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 01:36

Is ANYONE excusing the Dad's aggression? Don't think so.

captainproton · 06/05/2017 01:38

I'm not excusing the man, but this is what happens when some adults are confronted by aggressive behaviour they react.

It's a learning opportunity.

OlennasWimple · 06/05/2017 01:40

If your DS heard the dad before he saw him, in all probably the dad began shouting before he saw who it was.

I think you all need to sleep on this and see how things look in the morning. Middle of the night decisions made in anger and haste are rarely good ones

esk1mo · 06/05/2017 02:11

well i think the dads reaction was OTT and unacceptable. i would never accept my DP speaking to a 13 yr old like that.

teenagers (and humans of all ages) overreact to their feelongs and situations, slamming open a toilet door in what he thought was an empty room is pretty mild. what sort of example is the dad setting by getting enraged by this?

id maybe be like WTF if i heard a bang, but if i saw an upset teenager who is friends with my child then id ask them whats wrong, not shout till they piss themselves. 13 is still young and this sort of reaction can have a long lasting impact on someones self esteem, self confidence etc.

if it were me i would call or text and mentiont that DS is sorry for the banging but is upset at the bollocking, and you'd appreciate if he didn't speak to your child like that again. would anyone accept a teacher shouting at a child until they wet themseves? no.

TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 02:14

if it were me i would call or text

Even though the OPs son has said he doesn't want her to do anything?

user1491572121 · 06/05/2017 03:55

I don't think the OP should do or say anything. The Dad could right now (unreasonably) be thinking "I hope that little yob gives me an apology!"

I would avoid your son going there OP....I would teach my son not to react agressively in ANY situation.

claraschu · 06/05/2017 04:17

The dad is setting a horrible example of how to deal with emotions. It is not ok to scream at someone else's 13 year old in a public place, when the child has not hurt anyone or done anything dangerous. A child slamming a door is not great, but a responsible parent screaming at an unrelated child enough to scare him into wetting his pants is far worse.

If I were running a party and saw an upset child slam a door my reaction would be along the lines of: "Watch out! Are you ok? Oh hi MiniWings... what is going on?"

Why are so many people excusing an adults over-the-top anger while making dire warnings about the implications of a teenager's slamming a door when he thought he was alone?

user1491572121 · 06/05/2017 04:33

Clara haven't excused the Dad's behaviour but is it ANY wonder men act like that when parents make so many excuses for boys acting like the OPs?

claraschu · 06/05/2017 04:50

I have never had a man in my life who would shout and terrify someone. I am horrified by a grown up doing that. A 13 year old slamming a door in what he thought was private to me seems like a normal expression of frustration and anger from a child.

I have a husband and 2 grown sons, who would never yell at a 13 year old who was not doing anything mean or dangerous, so, yes, I am full of wonder that other people excuse this adult man for his behaviour.

user1491572121 · 06/05/2017 05:16

Clara YOU may not have had a man in your life like that but many, many thousands of women have and a child of thirteen KNOWS that a public toilet is NOT private.

It's a public place.

Your experience with men is nothing to do with people excusing either the man's behaviour OR the childs'. Both were wrong. The man more so but boys should be taught not to express their frustrations through hitting doors or walls or anything!

Plunkette · 06/05/2017 05:21

I'd be very interested to hear the Dad's side of the story to be honest.

One single door bang, immediately apologised for by a close friend of his son's seems unlikely to lead to a serious telling off of that magnitude.

Was he kicking the doors, was he shouting and swearing?

Personally I'd calling the parents to apologise and find out what really happened.

And I'd be explaining to my son why physical expressions of anger are unacceptable.

nooka · 06/05/2017 05:28

I'd yell at my own son if he was slamming doors aggressively enough to make me think he might break them. Totally unacceptable behaviour in my mind, pretty much regardless of the reason (and he clearly didn't go to the loo to calm down, he went there to let off steam).

However I'd also defend him if someone scared him enough that he wet himself (if that was the reason he peed down his leg, that's a fairly extreme reaction).

I think the OP is very wise to wait until tomorrow, but yes I'd want to have a conversation with the dad before letting my son stay at his house again. As well as a conversation with my son about his behaviour, lashing out is a really bad idea, he could break stuff, hurt himself or as tonight frighten/anger someone else.

the dad's behaviour doesn't mean he is a violent man and neither does the sons. They both over reacted and they both need to learn to control their anger.

pigeondujour · 06/05/2017 05:50

Is it possible he peed himself partly because he was in the toilet cubicle? I know my brain completely relaxes my bladder when I get into a bathroom.

I wouldn't accept girlfriend troubles as mitigating circumstances for bad behaviour at 13. Saying 'ex girlfriend of 9 months' about a kid that age seems slightly odd and the wee girl has her whole life ahead of her to be treated as culpable for male aggression. Life is about to get a whole lot more stressful for him, he needs to learn to manage it properly.

Nutterfly · 06/05/2017 06:07

Whatever your DS did, he's still 13. The other was a grown man who shouldn't respond with aggression to a child even if he did get a fright. And from the OP's post, he didn't just tell her son off loudly, or tell, he shouted in his face with such aggression that a 13yo wet himself. That is not okay under any circumstances. He is the adult, the 13yo is the child.
If a child misbehaves, you as the adult, deal with it appropriately, not with such fury that the child wets himself.
OP, tbh I'd want to go round guns blazing if it were my DS but I'm not sure what it would accomplish. This man already sounds like he has anger issues and it may end up causing more trouble for your son even without the setting becoming known.

differentnameforthis · 06/05/2017 06:54

The dad could have thought he was de escalating a situation, yeah, cos the best way to de-escalate an angry person is to shout aggressively in their face Hmm

Then I think you need to concentrate on the loss of control aspect and use the example of this man shouting at him as a consequence of his actions. So op has to tell him that he can't lose control and hit a door, but a grown man can lose control and shout to the extent that the boy is so terrified, he lost bladder control? One is justified, but the other isn't? No, absolutely not right.

Add to that, this is a guy that he ds knows, so that level of fear against an adult he is familiar with, shows that the dad was very aggressive in his actions.

Is ANYONE excusing the Dad's aggression? Don't think so. I disagree...there are plenty.

The dad probably had no idea who he was even talking to, he heard a teenage tantrum with banging doors, and gave him what for

It sounds as though the man reacted in s state of absolute rage ... Do you think he did that because he had got a shock when your ds banged on the cubicle and so he had had a "Fight" reaction

Well your son was in the wrong for banging the cubicle and disturbing the man. Depending on circumstances he may have been standing there, cock out and mid stream. Surprising a man in those circumstances is hardly going to warrant a "steady on, cease with the unwarranted banging on cubicle walls, there's a good chap"

At 13 he could be adult size (maybe not) and the dad could have interpreted it differently. The dad could have thought he was de escalating a situation

It's understandable that the man was angry that your son was hammering on the cubicle door in "frustration/anger"

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 06:58

So he's learnt a lesson.

If you are violent, you attract violence.

Good way to learn it and pretty harmless.

Astounded he wet himself being shouted at at 13. The only time I've ever known a teen do that there was drink taken (said teen wasn't mine and was 14) so I think you're being a bit naive re the drink.

The man was likely panicking. He wouldn't have known it was your son, unless the hall was locked. Which wouldn't happen for fire regs. And also it's expensive to replace stuff like that and he was probably panicking re money.

He didn't lay a hand on your son. He shouted.

Meh. Move on. You'll look like a knob if you challenge this and I'll bet you will open a whole can of worms. Because I'm sure and certain there's more to this.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 07:01

And you have absolutely no idea how "far" the teenage romance had progressed.

Is he your eldest?

The fact he's telling you he doesn't want you to do anything tells me (have reared a lot of teens past 13) that he is being economical with the truth.

You have 2 choices. Let it go. Or dig. And be prepared that you won't like what you find re your son's behaviour.

LavenderDoll · 06/05/2017 07:10

Son smacked door made a lot of noise
Startled man in toilet who gave him a bollocking.
To be fair if I'd paid for a party and came across one of the kids smacking a toilet door id bollock them...

captainproton · 06/05/2017 07:14

I'm not excusing the dad, but let's be honest in the real world if you act aggressive you may find someone being aggressive back.

It's a learning opportunity the son is moving out of childhood where it's easier to say,"there, there, naughty man shouted at you and you wet yourself."

Likewise, if a boy of 4 hits an adult in anger that boy will hopefully not get hit back. But if a boy of 16 hit a man it's likely that man may hit back. The DS is 3 years of 16 and 5 from being an adult. He is starting to be treated like an adult as teenagers ought to be and this is one of those situations.

There is a complete inability to see that the DS brought this upon himself.