Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 39 40

Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:

SecondRow · 28/03/2017 23:22

Why isn't his daughter worth giving up a couple of "light" spliffs to him?

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:23

Ok, it's always worthwhile getting advice on here. Thank you.

I'll sleep on the advice I've been given.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2017 23:26

It just hasn't been long enough. And he hasn't changed enough. "A couple of light spliffs a night"? Really? Come on op he's still the same man doing the same shit and he hasn't had nearly enough time (8 weeks?) to prove he's changed.

I think the therapist is right.

Sorry. I know that's not what you want yo hear.

Benedikte2 · 28/03/2017 23:30

Wait and see how the job pans out -- whether he can keep the job for any length of time will be a good indicator of how much he has changed and whether the drugs are affecting him etc. It will also mean he will be in a position to support you and your DD in a practical way

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/03/2017 23:30

He's a violent druggie!!!

Wolfiefan · 28/03/2017 23:31

I remember a previous thread.
Reading this my heart sinks.
It's far too soon to known whether this addict who is still smoking illegal drugs can make a change.
His behaviour before was abhorrent. I strongly suspect he senses your weakness and is exploiting it.
For the sake of your child don't let this addict, violent, manipulative man straight back into her life.
Let him start the job, actually stop the drugs and prove he is worthy of being in your lives.

Orangetoffee · 28/03/2017 23:32

Put your daughter and yourself first and continue with improving your mental health. He can continue to prove he is a changed man but from a distance and over a longer period of time.

Katie0705 · 28/03/2017 23:32

Redstripe...please listen to the advice of PP's! You are still really vulnerable, and with mental health problems there is no way you are completely fine in such a short time. Believe me, I have been there! My ex-partner moved in, had the occasional joint, then it was one or two daily, then all day and all night, and it made my life hell on earth. He was also emotionally very abusive and manipulative, the cannabis did not cause this, it bought out his true colours. There is no way he could have turned his life round to the extent that is needed in four months. I would also suggest you wait to see if this job really does transpire and that he can actually keep it.

The therapist is right to raise her concerns. Listen to her! Whatever you do, don't let him move back in, it will be a massive mistake that will undoubtedly damage your health further as well as the wellbeing of your DD.

Be strong!!

MadamePomfrey · 28/03/2017 23:33

He was addicted but now (3 months) later he can do a few and stop? I don't think that is possible. You have been getting therapy which is great well done! Has he?? Your therapist who you have been honest with is concerned enough to say if he moves back she will refer! You need to listen to this! If you stop going or she thinks your lying to her she will still make the referal it's part or her professional duty of care. Don't stop please keep going and being honest! If you think his changing get him to go see someone too and get help! There is no rush take your time to be sure it's the right move!

nicenewdusters · 28/03/2017 23:33

The worst person you can lie to is yourself. There's no shame in being honest, and accepting that you had a child with a man who turned out to be no good.

That's why therapy can be so good. She can see you desperately trying to reframe things to make things the way you want. So thank goodness safeguarding exists. We can all see what a massive mistake it would be to take him back. She can see that your dd would potentially be at risk if you did.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 23:35

Just to get a point across Red. A lot of us have been through abusive relationships and we know what we're talking about. Personally, I still suffer, four years later, from the things my ex did to me. Even now I'm sometimes scared to stand up to him. Four YEARS! There's no way anyone can be strong enough after four MONTHS to go back to something like that. You're too vulnerable. Even if you feel strong now.

viques · 28/03/2017 23:36

"The situation is so different from the past" Except that it isn't really the past is it? It is less than the 6 months you set as the deadline for him to change and he hasn't, he is still smoking weed nightly.

If he is changing for the better then he will continue to change , so you have nothing to lose by keeping him as a good friend for another six months before thinking about resuming a live in relationship. If of course he hasn't really changed then this will show and you will have avoided making a huge mistake and losing the self respect and stability you have fought so hard for.

tiggytape · 28/03/2017 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:43

I'm still reading on. I do always take the advice on here.

I agree 4 months is tiny. Taking him back so soon wasn't planned but being very ill made me evaluate stuff and I've seen him as a friend living locally (he moved to be nearer to us) for the last month doing all the normal parent stuff as well as being fun, loving, creative and happier in himself. He often spends an evening over at my mums (where I'm living) and I see the real him. Not the horrible rear that addiction and depression made him. He will be getting therapy soon. It's one of my 'rules' for getting back together.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 23:44

He's still using. He's still using. He's still using.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:46

Once we move in, if SS came knocking they'd see a clean house with a stocked fridge, no hint of smoke and a child who has love, affection and all the necessary material stuff as well.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 23:46

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. Your poor child.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:49

My dd is doing well. You really don't need to feel sorry for her. Last year yes x100 but she has a lovely life now.

OP posts:

GlitteryFluff · 28/03/2017 23:50

Why not just carry on as things are for another few months?
Why does he need to move in and you be properly back together right now?

BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2017 23:50

He's still using every day. He's still addicted. He hasn't given up.

My mom used to say "there's none so blind as those that will not see"

Costacoffeeplease · 28/03/2017 23:50

As above

He's still using

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 23:51

You've already decided to take him back, haven't you?

JaniceBattersby · 28/03/2017 23:52

It's almost like you've written a checklist there Red, on what makes a good parent.

But having some veg in the fridge makes no difference whatsoever if the person serving it up is an abusive drug user. Remember your posts about not wanting your daughter to see drug use as normal?

Dig deep Red.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 23:52

Why post 'WWYD' when you know you're going to take this lowlife back? He hasn't changed. He's still smoking plenty of weed.

Costacoffeeplease · 28/03/2017 23:52

This is like watching a car crash in slow motion - we're all shouting nooooooooo but there's nothing we can do to stop it

Fuck

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 39 40