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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 28/03/2017 22:43

This is the DH who spent so much on drugs and drink that you couldn't afford to buy your child a winter coat? Who didn't like you putting the heating on because of the money it cost? Whose idea of family time out was to hang around drinking at a children's play park?

Please be very very very careful letting him back into yours and your DD's life, however lovely he has seemed in the short (and it is short!) time you've been apart. I know that you love him, and I know you're saying he's changed now, and maybe he really has... but I think you know yourself that if he'd genuinely changed as much as you and DD need him to, then you wouldn't need to worry about social services getting involved because there'd be nothing going on they'd be concerned about.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:43

So much has happened and changed in 4 months. I know it's really no time at all but he can't continue to recover with us. I have very firm boundaries now.

He's not pressuring me to let him move in but it's something all three of us want and practical wise, I could do with help with the rent and he's got a job lined up next month.
Also physically I'm not even slightly strong enough to live alone but I signed the rental contract before I got ill.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/03/2017 22:45

If he wants to show he's really changed, if you want to show that you are making a mature and rational decision, then both of you would be willing to wait and to consult with your therapist, or a family therapist about a timeline and a plan for reconciliation. A plan that includes him giving up pot for good. An addict is an addict. They may 'recover' but if they're still indulging they'll slide back into it eventually. I have nothing against weed, per se. I've been known to indulge on occasion. But I've also seen the end result of weed addiction in someone very close to me. It's not pretty and 'cutting down' never worked. Only going completely 'NC' with weed worked.

If you're going to start lying to your therapist then you are wasting both her time and yours.

Gallavich · 28/03/2017 22:45

Ok leaving children's services out of it your thinking is completely skewed. 4 months is no time. I can see you're struggling on your own but allowing him back now would be a huge mistake.

picklemepopcorn · 28/03/2017 22:47

You are vulnerable for a lot of reasons, which make you think it is a good idea to let him back. Your experience has been actually that having him live with you did not help, it made everything harder.
Your therapist is right to warn you that it would be a very backward step to let him back in again. You need to wait until you are well before you do that. He can help you, yes, and have a relationship with DD. But not move in. It takes more than 4 months to turn a situation like that around.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:48

That's what I said upthread pond and I'm not interested in wasting both our time. The therapy just felt so safe until today.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 28/03/2017 22:48

4 (or even 6) isn't even remotely enough time for him to quit the drugs and change his lifestyle for good. It would be the easy thing to fall back with him, but for the sake of your child please don't. She's the one who will suffer. The therapist may be being a little dramatic, possibly, but she's a professional and your situation clearly makes her concerned for your child.

Bunnyfuller · 28/03/2017 22:49

He's a regular drug user and you want him to be a parmanant fixture in your child's life.

Can you not see how wrong that is?

Orangetoffee · 28/03/2017 22:51

I remember you and there is a massive back story that includes emotional, financial and sexual abuse and I think physical abuse towards the end, as well as him being addicted to weed and alcohol. You did so well getting away from him, don't let him back in.

Has he found a new job yet?

Greenifer · 28/03/2017 22:52

I have read your previous threads. You would be insane to let him move in with you. If you can't manage alone you need to find help from your family and friends. Do not let him move in. I'm so sorry to hear you have been ill but that is not an excuse to let this waste of space back into your life. Choosing him because you don't have another option isn't a choice, is it? Give it at least another year before you consider him moving in (and he would need to ditch the drugs too otherwise you will be back to square one in no time).

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/03/2017 22:52

Op 4 months just isn't long enough to be sure that the changes made are permanent. I know you're saying he was amazing when you were seriously ill but that was an extreme situation and sometimes, in a strange way, it's easier for a person to step up in extreme circumstances. What you actually need to know is that he can step up with the normal day to day stuff involved in being a father and husband. IMO you can't be satisfied that's the case so soon.

You need to see it "stick" and maybe the test of that is him proving he can stay with this job, prioritise his family and kick the drugs once and for all even if he's not living with you. There's no rush to jump back in right now.

nicenewdusters · 28/03/2017 22:52

I too thought that the fact you feel so much better is because he's not living with you anymore.

If you need help with the rent surely he'll help you as he'll be providing a home for his dd? He should do this anyway, and particularly if he's trying to show you he's changed. You say you now have firm boundaries, so put them in place. Tell him what you need from him before you'll even consider getting back together. Surely that's a total abstinence from drugs, paying maintenance, being a decent dad, and listening to what you want.

Hidingtonothing · 28/03/2017 22:53

Hey Red I wondered how you were doing! Sorry to hear you've been unwell, sounds like it's been a rough few weeks. You know what I'm going to say, it's too soon and you're too vulnerable to be moving him back in.

Is your therapist saying she will report purely because he's still using or might she have concerns that he will be violent? Assuming she knows the full story she may well be worried on both counts.

FWIW I agree with the PP who said there's no reason not to let him build bridges from a distance, he can still support you without living with you and has much more incentive to continue with his own recovery if he still has the goal of getting back to his family to work towards.

I know that's not what you want to hear but I honestly think you'd be making a mistake to rush this, the reward could be huge if you give him time to really change and I'm just not sure it's worth potentially messing that up because you're impatient to be back together.

selfishcrab · 28/03/2017 22:54

Agree with Dead souls and NerrSnerr that there must be a very good reason for her to disclose to SS.
Maybe try and think if you spoken or has there been abuse/addiction.
There are very few things a private therapist needs to disclose unless they work within a agency/NHS.
Your therapist my be reflecting your unsaid thoughts, even though you say you seem sure of having him back?

GabsAlot · 28/03/2017 22:54

oh no if thisis the man that sits in parks with his kid smoking weed then yore deluding yorself

4 months is nothing and hes still smoking-nothing against it myself but not when kids are suffering

your dd isnt old enough to understand-and u dont sound stronger u sound like youve given in

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:55

There was some emotional abuse as he was deppressed and addicted and it came out that way. He'd never get away with it again. Financial because of addiction and my fear of confrontation (which is one of the biggest reasons I'm having therapy). There wasn't sexual abuse. I think things just got out of hand on here and I got swept up with the mn group mentality.

He has changed all of this. He starts a job next month.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 28/03/2017 22:56

The therapy is still safe OP, she has the best interests of you and your dd as her focus. Not hearing what you want doesn't make it unsafe.

UnbornMortificado · 28/03/2017 22:57

The changes won't last forever Red lovely. He's took advantage of you being ill and "helpless" so to speak to worm his way back in.

You did and do deserve better Flowers

HardcoreLadyType · 28/03/2017 22:57

If you let him move in, in a year or so, you will look back and realise that he took advantage of you when you were most vulnerable.

Stick with the therapist. If your husband loves you, he will be prepared to give you all the time you need to get stronger, and will seek help for his addictions.

Barrytheunicorn · 28/03/2017 22:57

If she's always been a good therapist op then be guided by her you only want to stop seeing her because she's told you something you didn't want to hear and she will totally see through that.
If she told you that today and you don't go back she's going to know why.

Go back and read your old threads do you really want to risk going back to that?
Having to worry about whether your daughter has gone in school stinking of weed? Not being able to heat the house for her or put her in a winter coat so your dp can spend money on weed.

You say you're stronger and while you might be you are still vulnerable because you are physically weak at the moment due to your illness and you don't need to get into a situation where you are dependant on your dp.

Get help from anyone else but him if you do move him in and he goes downhill again and you are strong enough to make him leave it's so unfair on your daughter to have to go through that twice. Not to mention the risk you will have social services involved.

Why can't you just see how things go for your daughters sake before rushing to move back in together.

I think from your answers though you've already made up your mind

picklemepopcorn · 28/03/2017 22:57

Is there a reason you have to rush into it? You are making great progress with your therapist. Is it possible she is right to be concerned? Can you afford the time to show her by waiting that he has changed, and he has got what it takes?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2017 22:58

The fact is that he is still using and as long as he is then he is at risk of starting to up his use from two to three to four, to smoking during the day and so on.

4 months really isnt long enough for an addict to be sure of being clean even if he had knocked it completely on the head. The fact that he is still using means that he is still an addict and hasnt dealt with his addiction, or even admitted he has one.

You should only be considering him coming back if he doesnt use any drugs or alcohol at all. And be clean, 100%, for at least 6 months. If he wants to quit and wants his life back then he will do this.

Do you smoke dope too?

53rdAndBird · 28/03/2017 22:59

So you think he's not an addict any more? Do you think he's actually beaten the addiction? Or do you just really, really want him to have done, and hope that him cutting down a lot and saying he won't smoke as much is going to be enough?

SadGuru · 28/03/2017 22:59

OP you talk a lot about your vulnerability but don't seem to appreciate that your young dd is a lot more vulnerable than you. I'm sorry to be blunt, but this is the kind of situation that would trigger a safe guarding alert. I'm glad the therapist is putting your very young dd's needs before your own needs.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/03/2017 23:01

Another one saying don't rush into it Red.

Especially as you told him 6 months initially, it seems to me that if you change your mind on that he will think that you will change your mind on other stuff too and act accordingly.

Wait until he starts the job and see how he handles that for a few months. is he paying maintenance? If not will he start paying once he starts the job - this can help you with your rent.

Your therapist can see things that you cant see, due to her training and also because she is not involved. Please listen to her

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