My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

Anyone else think he's already got the money from his dad's will and is just fobbing Red off with tall tales so he can spend it on drugs and drink?

How will you know when he gets the money from his dad's estate?

It must be difficult with the non violent shitty stuff if you don't know what is normal and have to rely on what he tells you.

Why not start a new thread asking what is normal for child maintenance, return of deposits, etc in situations like yours?

There will be plenty of people on MN who split up for a while, not wanting to start divorce proceedings, giving their DH a chance to show he can behave like a good husband and father. You could get a broad range of opinion on what is reasonable to expect.

The will money definitely hasnt been dished out yet because I'm friends with his family and it's all their talking about.

I realise some of my posts make me sounds so stupid but I'm not and I haven't lived in his shadow. I stayed on at school, got a diploma and had a life before his in my early twenties.

When you've been with someone that's so convinced they're right 100% of the time it's hard to fight that.

Thanks rabbit I might do that.

lweji he's just eating into his overdraft for drugs and baccy etc.

He obviously doesn't feel guilty or that it's wrong for me to be paying for everything at the moment

And that's the kind of father he is choosing to be. He puts weed and himself before DD and before you. He might tell you that's fine, but I bet you he wouldn't be able to find many other people who'd agree with him apart from other addicts.

I don't agree with him and I am an addict!

So, he's getting into bigger debt for drugs?

He sure doesn't have a problem.

And this is the man you were (are?) considering getting back with?

lweji he's just eating into his overdraft for drugs and baccy etc.

Super. You'll be able to pay that off for him or you'll have bad credit.

Have you and he agreed an amount he will give you? A one off payment to cover your half of the deposit and the car, then monthly child maintenance. If not agreed, do you have a figure in mind yourself?

So if he's building up an overdraft, that's where the will money is going to go, isn't it?

I'm happy to let the past slide and start on a new slate. So I'll want the £400 of my deposit, a contribution for the last few months and based on this thread some of the £300 I've started paying for the car.

I'll ask for an amount per month towards rent and dd.

With respect..You won't he will of moved back in ...and you will be one big happy family

And based on the past and current behaviour, how realistic do you think that is?

Well that was my plan starlight except it would mean the possibility of losing my daughter!

lweji I don't know and I'm trying to stop bullshitting myself. He was great today. Came over to my new place with some of his family for lunch. He did all the cooking even though it was 'my' lunch at my place, we drank tea in the garden and after they all went for a walk whilst I could sleep. (Sleeping crazy amounts since being ill). I feel like we are so close but as soon as he could he went out to have a joint. It's like two steps forward....

The job he got this month is now two shifts at the end of the month so I'm just like but at the same time I'm relieved he'll be around to drive us and look after dd when I'm too tired. The money my dad lent me is going to run out at some point. I just don't know where I'll go from here. I'm not well enough to work yet but I hate borrowing off my family. Just venting here sorry! Can't sleep after dd woke me up with ear ache

Why are you not living on income support? Tax credits? Pip? Why are you living on borrowed money? That makes it even more imperative that he chips in with your daughter...

Who bought the food for that big family lunch?

Are you claiming everything you can?

I was living with my mum till a few days ago and I've been a bit disorganised! I've been told by someone on long term sick that I wouldn't qualify for pip. I've got a job waiting for me that I took before I got sick and really hope I can start soon. I've always worked so it's weird not earning. I get child benefit and I did get tax credits. I haven't been to CAB since moving out.

Ha, who do you think paid? my dad by default

So have you called him on his work situation? Or is financial abuse and lying something you're ok with, as long as he doesn't hit you when sober.

Is he actively looking for work? He works in hospitality right? He can't pick up anything else in the meantime, to, you know, feed and clothe his daughter?

He's good at the showy stuff when he gets to perform for an audience but you couldn't rely on him to manage his money so that you always had groceries and enough to eat, right?

It sounds like I'm gushing but he is very, very talented at what he does and thinks most of what's available (pub chef) type jobs are below him. He has been approached about a really good job and this is the one he's meant to start but doesn't seem to realise how lucky he is to move to an area of massive rural poverty and just be offered a job. No, I haven't called him on it because I know he'd say he has to be out of work a bit longer because I need him around to help whilst I'm recovering and he's right. I'm a bit dependent on him at the moment till I get better. I'm not ok with financial abuse but he might bring up stuff about our old flat and I'd get panicky just hearing about it. I am so so greatful that he dealt with all that but I'm too anxious to ask what happend int the end. I know she didn't want to give any of the deposit back and my brother helped fight our case but everyone knows I'm too fragile (mental) about the whole thing to bring it up.

You are entirely, completely, 100%, unbelievably, totally, in his power.

He could literally shit on the floor in front of you and you'd excuse it.

Over a hundred pages on this guy and you're as brainwashed as ever.

He'll be in the house, drinking away, never putting his hand in his pocket before April is out. And you'll have stopped seeing the therapist. Anything for him. Anything.

Redstripe...you've just described some absolutely disguising behavior from him.

He would say he can't get a job because he needs to be around you, because your
dependent on him.

That means he's making you believe you're some kind of a shell of a person and BLAMING you for his not being able to support you and your dd financially. So you're dd is not going to have everything she needs again, but he'll twist it to say it's because of your issues.

I remember the exact same thing happening with a family I work with, so I told the bloke what a disgrace he was and how his partner should kick him out until he was financially secure.

What a horrible person your dh is.

Also, you need to get your benefits sorted today. This is your daughters welfare.

he is very, very talented at what he does and thinks most of what's available (pub chef) type jobs are below him.

How can you think that's ok? How?

He is a shit father, Red. A good father would be taking ANY job right now so he could support his daughter, especially when her mother is too ill to work. Just like a good father wouldn't be smoking away his overdraft while paying sweet FA for his daughter's needs.

He thinks he is more important tha. DD and you. He thinks both of you matter less than he does. And he's taught you to think just the same.

Oh OP. Zonka is completely right. I can feel how desperately you want this to work out and for him to change and everything to be wonderful. That's especially tempting when you've been ill and are feeling vulnerable. But seriously, you are totally understand his spell. Relationships should not be this much work and involve this many excuses.

Please stick with therapy at all costs. It's hard work and involves confronting feelings you would rather ignore, but it will be helping you more than you realise right now