Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
Angryangryyoungwoman · 28/03/2017 23:01

What I read from and between the lines of your posts:
Things have been difficult for you, you have been ill. Him moving in would help financially too.
You are still having some issues with trusting him. This comes from your comment about what he thinks "he can get away with"
All in all, it's too soon and I think you know that really.

SecondRow · 28/03/2017 23:03

Red, sorry you've been so iĺl. I know dragging up past posts is frowned upon but you say you're not trying to minimise stuff. So I'll just say - the events right before you left him? Does your therapist know all of that? It's worrying that you seem only to be considering drugs as the sole cause for her safeguarding concerns.

And if she doesn't know all of it, that would be worrying too. Sad

Hulder · 28/03/2017 23:03

I suspect you have told the therapist a lot of stuff about your relationship and that your partner was doing a lot more than 'a couple of light spliffs' when you were together, including neglecting your child.

If you can't see what would look like a safeguarding risk to your therapist, your boundaries are not as strong as you think they are and you have a lot of therapy yet to do before you would be safe moving in with your partner.

Costacoffeeplease · 28/03/2017 23:04

I can't quite believe I'm reading this

I was on your last threads, when he was violent, aggressive, pissing all the money away so your daughter didn't have an appropriate winter coat, and you were ashamed to have people round to your flat because it stank of weed - and you're seriously thinking about taking him back, WHILE HE'S STILL TAKING DRUGS Shock

Not much shocks me on here any more, but jeez, read back through some of your old threads if they're still here

If I knew you irl I'd report you myself

You did so well to get away from this leech and you're ready to have him move back in?

You're not stupid, catch yourself on

nicenewdusters · 28/03/2017 23:04

He'd never get away with it again

I suspect he would though. You're physically weak, need financial help, clearly want to live as a family unit, and would stop therapy to allow him to move back. Why would you leave yourself so vulnerable to a man who's clearly treated you so badly? Your therapist is giving you the tools to break your dependency on this man, don't throw that opportunity away.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:05

It's so hard to try and put down in writing on here how much things have changed. I wouldn't let this get to how they were before because never mind him, I'm not in that place. I wasn't stable and had started breaking down I think. Now I'm surrounded by family and putting dd and myself first. I'm so strong (mentally) now.

(Hi do all the lovely posters I know btw!)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/03/2017 23:06

BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE MONTHS!

53rdAndBird · 28/03/2017 23:06

Also: don't lie to your therapist. Don't stop seeing your therapist. You have said that seeing your therapist is helping you - don't jeopardise that.

Ask yourself why you're so willing to lie/avoid the therapist over this. Are you afraid she'll contact social services? (In which case: ask yourself why social services would even be concerned, if he's changed as much as all that?) Or do you know she'll disapprove of you taking him back, and that's a conversation you don't want to have with her? Sometimes, the best thing is to have the difficult conversations.

I know it's tough, I know you want him to have changed, I really really do. I kept sort-of getting back together with my very-messed-up ex after leaving him, because he kept saying he'd changed and I really so much wanted to believe it. But he hadn't and it wasn't good for me, not at all. I really wish I'd had someone like your therapist around to think about my welfare at a time I couldn't/wouldn't really do that myself.

Voice0fReason · 28/03/2017 23:07

A couple of spliffs a night, every night along with his history, is a safeguarding concern that I would refer.

He would not be safe to drive. I wouldn't trust him looking after a child.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:07

costa I tried to name change because I didn't want to disappoint you and others. I can't explain. Things are just so different now.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 28/03/2017 23:10

It's so hard to try and put down in writing on here how much things have changed

no, they haven't. Not at a deep level. Surface only - and 16 weeks is shallow, shallow stuff.

None of you have had enough time to really change. Four months is definitely not long enough to gain really deep mental stability. You are ignoring most people's considered and reasoned calls to wait and that in itself is an indication that you are letting your emotions govern.

Your daughter is the most vulnerable here.

I think you're determined to have him back but if you want to put your daughter first you need to wait a lot longer.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2017 23:10

"Now I'm surrounded by family and putting dd and myself first. I'm so strong (mentally) now."

But you're not putting her first. You are putting her a very poor last after yourself and him. This is the child that had to live with what you lived through but with no choice, no control, no way of getting out on her own. You are not strong mentally, not yet. You are doing so well and have come a long way but you are not there yet, if you were then you wouldnt be considering having him back, at least not until he has properly addressed his addiction.

Just because he is better than he was doesnt mean he is ok. He is still a drug user, and as long as he is that, you and DD will always ALWAYS come second to his true love.

Gallavich · 28/03/2017 23:10

Red, things are not different. They appear different but that is not evidence of anything after just a few months.
You can't trust this, not yet. 6 months was too short imo, a year minimum is what you need to show sustained change.

SecondRow · 28/03/2017 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nicenewdusters · 28/03/2017 23:13

Yes, things have changed because you and your situation have changed. Because you left him. You're having therapy, you're recovering - from him.

But has he changed? No. He's still taking drugs. One, two, three... whatever, he's still using. So he came and sat at your bedside in hospital. As a pp said, some people can appear to step up in a crisis. But it's the day to day that counts. Holding down a job, being financially responsible, being a consistent parent, being an adult.

Why aren't you worth more than this man?

Costacoffeeplease · 28/03/2017 23:13

They can't be, not in so short a time

You're not strong enough after your recent illness ( I was on that thread too!) to stop him sliding back. Look after yourself and your tiny, vulnerable daughter

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2017 23:13

Things are just so different now.

They really aren't.

What shocks me is that despite you knowing it is a safeguarding issue, you want to do it anyway.

Safeguarding guidelines are there for a reason, they are not just to make life hard. Clearly you are not thinking about your daughters welfare, so someone has to.

Its a clear choice between your vulnerable daughter or your drug addict husband.

You can't have them both so which are you going to choose?

53rdAndBird · 28/03/2017 23:15

If you asked him to stop smoking altogether, as a condition of you getting back together with him, would he do it? Never mind for now whether you'd be happy with one or two spliffs or whatever: if you asked him to stop altogether, what do you think he'd say?

Costacoffeeplease · 28/03/2017 23:15

Why aren't you worth more than this man?

Why isn't your daughter worth more than this man?

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 28/03/2017 23:17

I feel like if I let him live with us I'll have to find my excuses to stop therapy. I wouldn't want to lie to her.

So you're going to put your own mental wellbeing on the backburner so he can move back in. And the possible wellbeing of your DC?

Four months is absolutely nothing, fuck all time. If he has addictions, it is going to take a hell of a lot longer than four months to break them. And once he's comfortable with family life again - you've taken him back after all - it will be so easy for him to slip back into his bad habits. There was a crisis, he almost lost you and that woke him up a bit, but once you're better...?

I would think very carefully about this if I were you. What's the rush anyway? Why don't you live separately, let him prove he's really changed, continue your therapy, get stronger, and then see what happens?

JaniceBattersby · 28/03/2017 23:21

I also followed all your other threads. This man is hideous Red. He might give up the booze, some of the drugs and have a job lined up, but underneath that he's still a hideous man who abused you in so many ways that I can't even remember them all.

You did so well to get away from him. I remember how happy you were for the first few weeks. It was like reading posts from a different person.

If it really is just a couple of light splits then why can't he give them up to prove that he wants you both back? Because he's a selfish twerp who puts himself and his drugs above everything else.

And if he starts that job once he's got his feet back under your table I'll eat my hat.

You're not a disappointment Red but I think, in your heart of hearts, you've know you've started this thread because there is something in you that knows that this is all wrong. Like when you started the thread about someone smoking a joint in a children's playground. You wanted people to validate your innermost feelings that it was wrong.

Please think really carefully Red.

nicenewdusters · 28/03/2017 23:21

Even if he's changed - which I seriously doubt - why would you want to be with a man who's damaged you so much. Is he full of regret and stricken with guilt over his actions? Is he worrying about what long term effects his actions may have on his dd? Is he in therapy to address why he's an addict, violent, controlling, irresponsible?

Hidingtonothing · 28/03/2017 23:21

I'm glad things feel so much better, couldn't you just enjoy that for a while? Encourage him to phase out that last couple of joints at the same time? Give him chance to get used to being completely clean before he jumps back into family life properly?

I would be worried it's too much, too soon for him let alone you. It would be a crying shame if he made all this progress and then ended up slipping back because being back with you and DD felt too much like his old life and smoking and drinking was too big a part of that for him to resist the pull of the familiar. And the same danger exists for you, if this is going to work second time around it needs to be different enough that there's no temptation to just fall back into how things used to be and I'm just not sure either of you are far enough along that road just yet.

There's an awful lot of scope for regret if you do this too soon but not so much for regretting having waited and taken things slowly. You may well be ruining the chance of things working out long term for the sake of the instant gratification of having him around right now.

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 28/03/2017 23:22

I don't know the backstory but I think moving him in because you're struggling a bit on your own isn't a good reason.

I'd see 2 spliffs the same as someone having 2 glasses of wine, so without the back story - no cause for concern.

RubyBluesey · 28/03/2017 23:22

Agree about the 'couple of light spliffs'... either he does this or he doesn't. Every night doesn't sound like he has given it up at all, and he should