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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:54

glittery you've got me there. I don't know the answer. I'm ready to move out of my mum's but given how great dh has been in the last few months (the last one especially) I feel like he's earned the right to live with us and I want him to as well of course.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 23:54

True, Costa. He's so different now, just 'a couple of light spliffs' a night, it's all going to be clean house and stocked fridge . . .

Dozer · 28/03/2017 23:54

Have you considered that your illness was very likely DUE to living with him? His financial, emotional and sexual abuse? The stress of doing everything and having financial worries? His work problems/unreliability. Your drinking as a coping mechanism. Your housing issues and his leaving all that to you. Not having a working hoover or being able to afford one. Or warm clothes for DD. He broke your tablet.

Anxiety about people finding out what he was like.

No wonder you got physically ill.

You never actually had a proper break from him.

Your family don't know the truth about him so may not have helped you in separating.

Of COURSE he was "there for you" when you were hospitalised. He could pop in and say warm words then go and smoke and do what he liked. As a father, looking after his DD when his ex was ill is normal parenting.

Do your DD and yourself a favour and get properly well, physically and mentally, and take a proper break from him.

If your H is truly willing to deal with his multiple addictions (booze, weed, gambling) and abusive behaviour, he will do so and show you he can change. He's done fuck all of that so far.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:55

My WWYD was about weather to continue therapy or to lie to my therapist.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 28/03/2017 23:56

That's the least of your problems. Taking back your addict husband who is still using but you're worried about lying to your therapist.

Costacoffeeplease · 28/03/2017 23:57

Lie to your therapist? WTAF point is there in that?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:58

Exactly. It would be a waste of money but she hasn't really given me much choice. Either stop therapy or tell her and risk a referral that I do t see as needed.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/03/2017 23:58

I and other posters expressed concern and explained that social services would have concerns because you continually put your relationship and DH's interests above your DD.

You left, but are doing this again. If you go back with him now what does that mean for DD's school place in September, for example?

If you go back, and (as is very very likely) things go back to how they were before, your therapist telling SS means SS might ask school to keep an eye on DD. When she goes in smelling of weed they will report it. There could be intervention so your DD could be protected from BOTH of you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2017 23:59

My dd is doing well. You really don't need to feel sorry for her. Last year yes x100 but she has a lovely life now.

I am sure she has :)

And what is the difference between last year, and now?

Last year she was sharing a house with a violent abusive drug addict, this year she isnt.

He can still be a good father to her, doing all those nice things but not living with you. It isnt all or nothing.

How can you be thinking about taking him back when the facts are staring you in the face?

Sorry for the caps but you need to get this....
THE REASON SHE IS SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW, AND HAS A MUCH BETTER LIFE NOW IS PRECISELY BECAUSE YOU LEFT. IF YOU TAKE HIM BACK YOU WILL BE SIGNING HER UP FOR MORE ABUSE AND NEGLECT. IF YOU DO THAT THEN YOU ARE JUST AS BAD AS HE IS

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 23:59

That I dont see

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 28/03/2017 23:59

oh well if thats all u wanted to ask then no dont lie an see where it gets you

Dozer · 28/03/2017 23:59

If you quit now she will very likely report her concerns anyway.

Costacoffeeplease · 29/03/2017 00:00

he's earned the right to live with us

How?

Just H ow has this drug addict earned the right to live with you and your daughter - while still smoking weed every day?

expatinscotland · 29/03/2017 00:00

Gawd, yes, a waste of money that could be spent on weed.

Dozer · 29/03/2017 00:00

It was january when you moved out wasn't it? Not months and months ago.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/03/2017 00:00

And I have to be honest, if you do take him back dont be at all surprised if your therapist isnt the only person to report you. If I was your mother or friend, then I would.

Costacoffeeplease · 29/03/2017 00:01

That I dont see

That much is clear

Sadly

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 00:01

Dds school place is secured in a really good primary. She will never again go to school smelling of weed. Two outside spliff will not do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 00:02

I split from him at the beginning of December.

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhenever · 29/03/2017 00:02

"I've got a job lined up" is on a par with "the cheque's in the post" and "I won't come in your mouth."
Sorry to be crude, but...get a grip OP. You are doing WELL. Your daughter is doing well. That's because he doesn't live with you anymore.
I can't even believe that, after a therapist has explicitly told you she would be reporting you (yes you because you would be responsible for putting your child in harms way) to the social, you are even considering it.
Close that door for good, hard on you as it may be. He's a user in more ways than one.

GabsAlot · 29/03/2017 00:02

i dont think she gets it

Hidingtonothing · 29/03/2017 00:03

We can all see what a massive mistake it would be to take him back. She can see that your dd would potentially be at risk if you did.

Reading this gave me real deja vu Red, we could all see it last time too, do you remember how long it took for you to be able to see just how bad it was? And within a few weeks he has got you questioning it again Sad

Nobody on this thread who knows the backstory is seeing your therapists' advice as unnecessary or unreasonable, him moving back in so soon is a safeguarding issue for both you and DD and would also be detrimental to all three of your individual recoveries, his from drug/alcohol abuse and yours and DD's from his abuse of you both. Your therapist just sounds like she's good at her job to me.

I'm not trying to piss on your chips Red, you know my backstory too and that if there's one thing I understand it's cannabis addiction. I'll be honest, I'd been clean 3 years and still managed to relapse over Christmas just gone. It was jaw dropping how quickly it escalated, we thought we could handle the odd joint and it was great to start with, made us silly and giggly like it used to. And then before we knew it we were having one before bed every night and then it started to creep earlier so we'd have two. I knew I had to sort it at that point and stopped completely but it's still hard now. We proved it to ourselves though, we can't smoke 'recreationally', we're addicts just like your DP and for an addict it really is all or nothing.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 00:03

Expat, that's not fair. I'm not getting shitty with anyone on here. I alway listen to advice. Your comment seemed a bit mean.

OP posts:
Doowappydoo · 29/03/2017 00:05

I remember your previous threads. You initially minimised the impact on you and your DD and justified his behaviour before you found the strength to leave - you seem to be slipping back into that.

He is still an addict who is still using - he hasn't been able to stop for you or your daughter. Please listen to your therapist and listen to PP - it would be far far too soon to take home back even if he had stopped using - but he hasn't managed to do that and I assume he's had no therapy to date. Please don't even consider this at this point - I think you and your DD will be back at square 1 within 6 months. You know this in your heart of hearts.

Costacoffeeplease · 29/03/2017 00:05

So he's going back to sitting out on a balcony or in a garden smoking weed - and you don't think that's going to affect your daughter at all?

Do you actively want her to hook up with a drugged up abusive twat for a part end when she's grown up?