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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
Barrytheunicorn · 28/03/2017 22:28

I'm almost certain I remember your last posts and if I do then you're massively brushing over what has happened in the past.

Listen to what the therapist has told you if she even suspects you are with your ex she will be duty bound by law to report what her concerns are and why. I'm pretty sure child protection will over rule your confidentiality.

You did really well leaving him last time and you've managed on your own two feet, just keep going he's a grown man your daughter is a vulnerable child. Why risk her happiness for someone who made both your lives miserable?

If you suddenly stop going to the counsellor now she's going to realise why she's not daft.

Is he even addressing his drug issues two spliffs a night isn't great.

PacificDogwod · 28/03/2017 22:28

Oh, I had not idea of the back story.

Do. Not. Let. Him. Move. Back. In.

Gallavich · 28/03/2017 22:28

I'm a child protection social worker. Based on the information given here this would not meet the threshold for assessment.

TiredyMcTired · 28/03/2017 22:29

what Lucked and Pacific said ^^

Gallavich · 28/03/2017 22:29

Obviously if there is a history of abuse or neglect that would compound the risks and change the risk level.

KirstyJC · 28/03/2017 22:30

I think you need to give yourself more time to heal. It sounds like he has made a real effort, but he is not there yet. And if you think it is fine to let him back in so soon without giving up the weed completely, then you are not there yet either.

He can have a great relationship with both of you without living there. Whilst you see if he means it this time. If he still has a couple of spliffs a night then he is still addicted and the risk is too great. Just because he is only a little bit bad instead of a lot bad doesn't mean he is good....

Deadsouls · 28/03/2017 22:30

Hmmmm well actually the therapist is not under any obligation to report this situation to SS. it's difficult to say without knowing the whole context and i don't actually want to get in the way of your therapy. But actually this is an ethical issue. There are only a very few instances in which a therapist (in the UK), is legally obligated to inform a third party. If they were working within a service and were bound by their service' s safeguarding policy, it would be a different story. Did you sign a contract when you started? If you did, it might say something in there. Are you able to raise your concerns with her?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:31

Sorry I'm trying not to hide any backstory but it's too long to put in an op.

I don't think I'm brushing over things. I just am such a different person myself now and hold more power and strength than I ever thought I had. Life just seems so different and now so does he.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:33

I didn't feel able to raise it with her today because I was in a bit of shock TBH.

Maybe next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:33

I signed a contract today but I don't think it was related.

OP posts:
SoulAccount · 28/03/2017 22:34

Haha, both social workers I know socially, both parents, smoke the occasional spliff.

OP, however, given your DP's 'previous' I would want a commitment to total abstinence before moving in. You need him alongside you, not someone else to carry.

Ellapaella · 28/03/2017 22:34

Doesn't give much faith in child protection services then really if someone who works in child protection says they wouldn't bat an eyelid at this...
The OP has said there have been instances in the past when she cannot leave her partner with her child as he would be so out of it he would be unresponsive . If that isn't a concern for child protection then that is very worrying. I strongly suspect the therapist has very good grounds for breaking confidentiality and I expect that smoking two spliffs a night is the very tip of the iceberg here.

NerrSnerr · 28/03/2017 22:35

If you genuinely think he's changed enough to be a good dad then I don't see why you'd have to lie, or why a social services referral would be a problem. It is though isn't it because he's not willing to completely stop using. You and your daughter aren't that important to him.

I agree with PP. Don't let him move back, put your daughter first.

Annahibiscuits · 28/03/2017 22:36

It's ridiculous to suggest a few joints of an evening warrants SS involvement. SS would collapse under the workload if that was the case!

HecateAntaia · 28/03/2017 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deadsouls · 28/03/2017 22:37

As i said, i don't know the context, so i don't really want to make a judgement call. There has to be a very very strong reason for the therapist to break confidentiality.

Gallavich · 28/03/2017 22:38

Ella
I didn't say "I wouldn't bat an eyelid" I said it would not meet the threshold for children's services involvement.
Children's services are there to safeguard children when the parents can't
The op has said that dd would have been at risk if she hadn't been there meaning the op is capable of safeguarding the child.
I am certain that this would not meet the threshold for assessment.

SeaEagleFeather · 28/03/2017 22:39

Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement

This doesn't sound like it's about 2 spliffs a night. This sounds like it's about a lot lot more.

You might not like what she's saying but for the sake of your children, if she really is a good clearsighted therapist you'd be wise to listen to her.

SeaEagleFeather · 28/03/2017 22:39

Also real change takes years usually, not months. Not even 12 months.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:39

From what I've told her so far, I don't think she's had a big secret reason to report. Like lots of posters here I was a bit shocked at her response.

OP posts:
WinnieFosterTether · 28/03/2017 22:40

It's likely your recovery is based on your distance from him. There's no benefit to you rushing to take him back but there are real risks ie SS involvement; distancing you from your therapist's support. 4 months isn't enough time to recover from an unhealthy relationship especially when you were still vulnerable and in contact with him during this time.
Stay strong. Focus on create a secure home for you and your DC. Keep him at arm's length. Is he pressuring you to let him move back?

nicenewdusters · 28/03/2017 22:41

The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though

Looks like you've found a very good therapist. She/he won't tell you what to do. The good thing is her words and actions have made you question and reconsider the situation. I agree with Pacific though, I think you're determined to have him back.

If he's determined to change and prove himself to you, let him do it at a distance. What's the rush? If he's pressuring you, or you don't feel you can live without him, neither of those are good reasons to let him move in.

NerrSnerr · 28/03/2017 22:41

The chances are there's more to this. If there isn't then let the therapist refer and social services say it's fine after assessment. I can imagine the therapist has a strong suspicion there are other worrying factors.

JesusDontWantMeForASunbeam · 28/03/2017 22:43

Is this the DP who wouldn't buy your DD a coat and was spending all of the household money on weed and booze?

Apologies if that's somebody else.

MorrisZapp · 28/03/2017 22:43

You say you have power now, that's great. But what power you have will evaporate the minute he moves back in. Why not continue to build yourself and your DD up, with him as a nice side dish? I remember your old threads. You couldn't buy your small child a winter coat because he spent all the money on drugs and verbally abused you if you addressed it with him.

Why not just enjoy the freedom you've earned instead of going backwards.

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