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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/04/2017 20:31

That poor, poor child Sad.

user1471432735 · 05/04/2017 21:20

Why on earth would you give someone who tried to strangle you a second chance?

JennyHolzersGhost · 05/04/2017 21:29

Feeling safe with him with caveats isn't feeling safe with him, OP.

user1471432735 · 05/04/2017 22:41

I've never had to tell my husband that if he ever hits me, strangles me, smashes the flat, smokes more than 2 spliffs a night or continues to be a practicing alcoholic (again) that I'll leave him.

I don't have to check in with his drug dealer to see how much he's using, my kids aren't in anger management therapy and my husband doesn't owe me thousands of pounds for supporting his children.

But hey, we've never drunk tea in the garden either, so - swings and roundabouts I suppose...

PersianCatLady · 05/04/2017 23:08

OP - I mentioned this story to a friend today and said to him about your DH saying that he no longer smokes skunk but only smokes grass now.

His reaction, I doubt it.

Why - it is next to impossible to buy anything another than skunk in the UK today. I have asked a few other people and they pretty much all thought the same.

I don't know if any one on MN knows this to be untrue but it made me think, why would dealers bother to buy large quantities of grass to sell to the few customers that don't want to get as wasted as possible??

blogs.spectator.co.uk/2015/02/as-i-learnt-skunk-causes-psychosis-and-weed-doesnt/

Just another thing that your DH is probably lying about.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/04/2017 23:48

I've said a million times. If things start to get bad again I'm out for good.

What would be bad for you? Have you got some lines drawn in your mind?

MargeryFenworthy · 06/04/2017 08:59

Your poor daughter. She deserves a stable happy childhood. If you're choosing this waste of space over her, you should think seriously about her living elsewhere with people who will care for herZ

NoSquirrels · 06/04/2017 23:09

user147...735 well put. Me neither- any ONE of those (except tea in the garden) and I'd take my DC and head for the hills. Ironically, it's probably easier to see it the older your DC get, when they "need" you less, but you can so clearly see the effects of their parenting (when it's slightly too late).

[Btw, if poss please consider changing your "user"name - the generic user+numbers are so hard to follow in a long thread/conversation.]

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 12:39

My therapist is like mumsnet come to life. She says exactly the same as posters on here. She even got up articles in the internet to convince me SS would remove my daughter because I didn't look convinced.

So there it is. He can't move in. I was too chicken to accept a SS referral and have him move in so I'm left with no choice. She basically said I'm a shit lier and she'd know if he moved in and report me. I've just spent £30 to hear that.

She also thinks there's a big part of me that doesn't want him to move in which is sort of true.

I feel like shit and I'm dreading telling him but you can all rest assured that dd is left living with one shit parent instead of two.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/04/2017 12:44

I've just spent £30 to hear that.

I'd say that those were £30 well spent, as you seem to be in denial.

The best way to avoid the consequences of him not responding well to that decision is to keep him away from you and your child.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 12:47

Well it feels horrible. I slept with him for the first time since we spilt up yesterday so he's going to think I'm dicking him about.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 07/04/2017 12:49

But the difference is that by not letting him move in, you're no longer the shit parent, so give yourself a pat on the back for that

I'm so glad your therapist agrees with everyone here - it's soooo clear - can you see it now?

53rdAndBird · 07/04/2017 12:50

He's dicked you about enough over the past few years. You're putting DD first here - if he wants the best for her, he'll accept that even if he doesn't like it.

Costacoffeeplease · 07/04/2017 12:50

X post. Why???

Oh well it's done now, but you knew it wasn't a done deal

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 12:50

Sort of but not totally. I'ts more that I'm scared of loosing dd than of agreeing with her but she knew that. She can read my mind!

OP posts:
skerrywind · 07/04/2017 12:52

At least someone is looking out for your daughter.

I admire your therapist.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 12:52

Why did I sleep with him? not reallly sure Blush

OP posts:
user1471432735 · 07/04/2017 12:55

I think we know the answer to that. He's very very good at manipulating you and you're very vulnerable. You think he's what you want / need and he knows how to string you along just enough

Please don't fall for any of his shit and seriously consider his ongoing role in your life. He can damage you and your daughter even when he's not living with you

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 13:00

Yeah he knows how to get what he wants. It didn't really work the first time and I started crying so we stopped. Just think it was a bit soon. 2nd time was much better.

I still want him in our lives. That's not changing. He can grow and become the dad that dd deserves and we are back together sort of so that's ongoing. I'm not splitting up with him just because we can't live together.

OP posts:
user1471432735 · 07/04/2017 13:02

FFS

Wolfiefan · 07/04/2017 13:03

Back together sort of?
FFS. Your daughter needs some stability in her life. She doesn't need you moving your drug addicted and violent sort of boyfriend in and out the house.
He gets clean. He sorts his shit out and accepts he has been a complete arsehole. Then maybe he can be a decent father.
For now he needs to stay the fuck away from both of you.
Wise up OP.

HanShootsFirst · 07/04/2017 13:07

You really sound self destructive here.

Please consider telling someone IRL the truth of what's going on so you can have someone with you when you tell him he can't move in. And WHY he can't move in. I don't see that conversation going well.

You are going to tell him, right? Not just skate along in the current plan that he's not moving in because he still wants to use up the time he paid for elsewhere and then quietly move him in to your place, which is what he's planning on?

Because you can bet your therapist will be asking you about it.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2017 13:08

Women like you are ten to a penny. Foolish.

Believe me you're just going to go round in circles with this man. You are clearly not ready to step of the carousel yet though.

Oh how you will wished you listened to the posters on this thread.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 13:08

My heads in bits right now. I've just had to do the right thing and it feels bad. If I can get used to the idea by letting myself down gently about the whole mess you could not post or be supportive. Talk about kicking someone when they're down FFS!

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 13:10

Sorry, I posted angry. I didn't mean to lose it.

OP posts:
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