My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

@RedStripelassie - what would your ex say if you asked him to stop smoking pot, and to give the money he'd save from this, to you as maintenance for your dd!?

I think the reply would be very telling.

If he really has changed, and wants to put your dd first, he will agree to give up the pot and will start paying younmaintenance.

If he is still an addict, a druggie, he will make excuses and you won't see a penny.

I am betting on option 2.

I am also betting that you won't dare to ask him, because you too believe he will go for option 2 and you can't take he risk of having to face the truth that he is a drug addict who will ALWAYS put drugs above you and your dd.

Yes user and also, shamefully because I want to keep the door open to us being together and if I told my family he'd shoved me about and sworn and shouted at us both plus the bad night I think they'd never forgive him.

OK, Red, so this is very honest of you. Good.

You feel ashamed that you still want a relationship with him.
You feel ashamed because you know he's no good for you and DD.
You feel ashamed because you are afraid of being on your own.

You know that if you told your family the whole truth, they would a) back you up and make you strong to tell him to leave and b) be appalled with him.

Please tell them. Please. Otherwise you won't have the true support you need. Of course they're not going to be concerned and a bit disbelieving about "a little bit of pot". They won't be though about drug-induced psychosis and violence towards their DD and DGD.

You don't need to feel ashamed. This is a hard situation but you can make it through.

I'm glad you listen to the therapist.

I'm sorry it's hard for you to tell your partner but it IS the right thing to do. Maybe one day you'll see it that way too.

The reason your therapist seems to be such a mind reader is that everything you're doing is very predictable. You're behaving exactly like every other person locked into an abusive and dysfunctional relationship. It's the same old pattern although it feels such a special and unique situation to you going through it. All the denial, minimising, justifying, protecting and explaining you have to do to explain away your partners bad and harmful behaviour. All the lies you tell yourself to explain why you put him before yourself and before your DD. And that feeling of this time it's different, he's not the same as every other abusive / druggie / whatever, is part of the well worn pattern too. It's a way of not learning from others, and not allowing yourself to see the truth. All the usual stuff like 'if only you knew him you'd see what I do, he's special, he's learn his lesson, it will be different this time for sure, he's a victim too, he's damaged and that makes anything he does excusable etc etc etc... ' I'm afraid it's all been said a million times before by other women.

And the next part of the pattern is predictable too, which is why this thread is like watching a car crash.

You'll be so shocked and feel like it came out of nowhere. You'll be sure it's different this time, again and again and again.

It takes on average 7 times for someone to finally leave an abusive relationship. And some people never leave. And they never get that moment of clarity that shows them that there's a better life out there. That shows them the harm they have done to their kids by forcing them to stay in such a damaging family. Some women never learn and this is where ss comes in. Some women don't believe it but do it anyway for fear of their kids being taken away. So at least the children are out of immediate danger. But some women don't ever believe it's that bad, or that they will run out of chances to step up and be a good mum by taking their children out of harm. And that's when children get taken into care. And those mothers are devastated. Say they never saw it coming. Say ss judged it all wrong. Find more excuses. But then they can carry on standing by their man, as ss don't interfere as long as the children are gone. They don't save women from themselves.

I think you are very lucky. You're following the pattern down to a tee. But you've got someone fighting for you. Someone who's trying to stop the predictable downwards spiral you're on. Someone who actually cares about you and your DD. You've got that therapist and she's fighting for you, as you won't fight for yourself.

I really hope that will be enough to stop you doing what you want to do, which is to sacrifice yourself and your DD for your man.

Maybe she can work with you to get you to see the difference between what you say, and what you do. You say you put your DD first, what you do is different.

That's the heart of it all really: to get you to understand that healthy people do what they say and say what they do. There is no disconnect between their words and their deeds. For whatever reason, you don't register that as an issue. Not when you do it, and not when your partner does it.

You're right hiding, it is wrapped up in the people pleasing thing. I like the idea of using it to my advantage and actually saying what's worrying me through her.

stdg he'd have argue his point till I felt stupid and exhausted by it and back down.

miscellaneous that's really interesting. So she's not reading my mind then?! I genuinely feel like he would never be aggressive (if not blind drunk) again. If I felt like that, there isn't a chance I'd take him back. When I say I'd do anything for dd and I love her way more than him I mean every word of it but obviously it doesn't seem that way to people. The idea of SS taking her away is my worst nightmare. Thank you for a really interesting post.

Reading your posts your DH comes well above your DD to you, unfortunately. How you could even think about putting her in harm's way like this is impossible to fathom.

Your poor child. 3 years old and neither parent has put her first.

I genuinely feel like he would never be aggressive (if not blind drunk) again.
Red, how do you define aggressive.
Cos he shouted at you in the car the other day.

In the context of what's meant to be a loving relationship I'd consider that aggressive.

He then played with your head do much you started blaming yourself and wondering if he actually did it at all.

And that's abusive.

he'd have argue his point till I felt stupid and exhausted by it and back down.

You are allowed to walk away when he starts, you know. You aren't obliged to defend yourself, listen to him or anything. You don't have to convince him that you can leave for it to be OK. You can just do it.

MiscellaneousAssortment excellent post.

As I've said before, my son's birth mum loved him, I feel sure, but she prioritized her parter above her son and couldn't't put him first. Now I am brining up her son. Now he is my son. I love him dearly but losing his birth parents has had an impact on him. Please do think carefully OP about any risks to your dd.

"...he'd have argue his point till I felt stupid and exhausted by it and back down."

In other words, @RedStripelassie - he would prioritise HIS addiction above helping support your dd.

That is NOT a good father or a caring partner.

If it came to the choice between paying his share of the bills, and feeding his addiction, he would choose the drugs, wouldn't he. You know it and we know it.

You and your dd deserve SO much better than this.

Having read your posts since last October when I joined mn I have been thinking about you for a while now hoping you and your DD were ok.

I'm so gutted to read this latest post though.

Red, you are so so so so so much better than him, than this.

Your poor DD

Brilliant post by Miscellaneous.

You say you would do anything for your dd, which is relatively easy right now. She's 3. She wants love, and cuddles, and mommy and daddy, and some treats. What about later on down the road when parenting is harder? When what she wants is bad for her, like staying up late, drinking, going out with boys that are too old for her? When she yells at you because you tell her not to do it? And sneers at you because she learned it from you?

If you want to be able to do the best for her, then set a good example now. Keep OH at a distance.

I know parentings going to get harder. I've made a start in the right direction today even if my therapist left me with no other option. I actually feel positive tonight. I've left him before and I can do it again. I just have to stop with the lies and the secrecy. Trying to cover up the way we were living in the old flat made me push people (especially family) away because it was all just so horrible but now I've gone from my mums to somewhere where in the space of a few days a different family member or friend just comes round every day because they were just driving by!! She's already having such a better life than last year and so am I despite all the illness.

It's really hard to try and convince you all just how much I love her and that I don't see him as a threat but it's both true. I let my guard down too early when I was sick. He jumped at the offer of getting back together.

I know asking him to try and quit smoking cannabis is pointless because he has said no. He knows it doesn't bother me enough to risk getting into an arguement with him but now ive (finally) realised it would be seen as a safeguarding risk for real there's not much else to do but get the balls to tell him he's not moving in. I've come back to stay at my mums tonight. I don't want us to be alone during all this. He doesn't realise any things changed and even drove us here this afternoon.

She talks about him being a risk if he moves in but I haven't ever mentioned any of the more physical stuff. She already has said it's an abusive relationship which I know it was before but didn't think it was anymore. She also second guessed me about quitting therapy last time. Maybe she's a mumnsnetter !!

If I hadn't of got sick I'd be settled with dd in our new house with a job and none of this mess. Things never work out how you want them to.

I know this threads almost full and I like posting on mumsnet but can't name change because I made a ramndom email to sign up so dh couldn't access any pms (we shared my email address at the time). Long winded way of saying please can no one be mean to me if you see me starting another tumble drier thread or commenting on the best mascara for £1 (primark BTW). I like mumsnet and it's one of my few things keeping me sane right now. Thanks

You are stronger than you think you are. And younhave the strength of MN behind you, @RedStripelassie. Please draw on that to help you hold onto this decision.

Remember, if he loved you and your dd enough, he would give up the cannabis - but he has clearly told you that cannabis is his priority - not you and your dd.

That may change - he may get to the point where he really changes, and recovery becomes more important than drugs - for his sake, I hope he does. But you are right not to let him move back in whilst he is still putting drugs first.

I told you Red I believe my son's birth mum loves him. It's not just about love. It's about prioritizing and about seeing danger and moving away from it.

Be strong. You can be, I believe, but not if you are being undermined.

Sleep well.

I recognise what you're doing Red, I can see it in my own past behaviour, you need his approval, his agreement, his permission almost to think what you think and feel what you feel, you feel like you're doing something wrong by having thoughts and feelings which don't match with his. Whether that comes from him, by his conditioning of your behaviour or from something prior to him being in your life I obviously don't know but that's what I would be focusing on in therapy.

I'm a fair bit older than you and am hitting the stage now where I no longer care so much about pleasing others. I'm finally realising that, sometimes and within what's reasonable without treating other people like shit, it's ok for me to do what I want to do, even if it doesn't correspond exactly with what DH (or anyone else for that matter) may want. I see it as learning to be assertive, something I've struggled to be up til now but it's as much about feeling I have a right to be happy. I guess I didn't used to feel I was worth other people making sacrifices for, I felt like I should do all the sacrificing and I think that's what you're doing with DH. You don't feel you can ask him to make any sacrifices and, at the same time, you repeatedly sacrifice what you want (including your hopes and dreams for DD's life and your own) to please him.

I can see you're already trying to change your thinking but with every new post you make it becomes more obvious what your strategy needs to be now. Keep up the therapy and use it to build up confidence in your own decisions and your right to make those decisions. Keep DH at arms length as best you can and for as long as you can in the meantime. And that's all you need to do for now, all your focus and energy needs to be on getting the most out of therapy and maintaining your boundaries with DH. I suspect you're going to end up thinking the sun shines out of that therapist even if you hate her at times along the way.

Hi Red. In many ways you're doing well I think. You're taking steps towards bring assertive.

You say your therapist says your relationship is still abusive and that surprised you but you've described several instances of emotional and financial abuse and coercion and control just in the last few days, so it is abusive and that week impact DD the more it happens.

You also mention the safeguarding risk. Let me say this. If the only problem was cannabis use of a joint or 2 per day, then it would be worrying that he and you think that's fine with a child in the house given the length of time it remains in his system etc, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

The safeguarding risk is the abuse. That is what had caused DD serious emotional harm in the past and what will continue to do so.

As so many posters have pointed out, the issue about the cannabis is actually about him demonstrating he's even a bit capable of sacrificing something in order to put you and DD first.

Clearly your already know the answer to that so you won't even ask him

Thanks
hiding you really understand me! I do feel guilty for having thoughts or opinions that aren't the same as his. I'd never thought of it like that.

I wish I didn't care what people thought of me so much but I'm obsessed with it. I dress up trying to look 'respectable' before therapy each week and wear nice scarves and make up to try and come across as a normal Mum and a real adult !! I admitted that to her today .

I also admitted that I felt really betrayed by her before and she wasn't surprised. As long as my sister keeps paying (I'm paying too) I'll stick with the therapy. I really want my confidence to grow and find a way to deal with my anger that doesn't involve me hurting myself. Dd has come on so well despite her life being turned upside down and inside out this year and I want so much for her. I really do.

Goodnight

But I hadn't told her about any really bad stuff when she deviated to do the safeguarding risk assessment. She might have guessed there was more to what I'd told her maybe but she really framed it around the smoking.

Really must sleep now

Red I believe you can do it. Do not give up. It's OK to please people sometimes but you are a person. When do you get to please yourself, really choose freely the right things for you and dd. Whoever makes it harder to make the sane choice is not helping you.

You are strong or you wouldn't keep coming back to this thread, or to MN. People have piled a lot on you and you're still here. Pretty impressive.

In the next session or two with your therapist think about telling her about some of the shouting, maybe even the bad night. It won't be anything new to her and I think it could be a huge relief to you to talk about it with someone else.

Good luck with it all and enjoy your time with your mum and dd.

So the therapist does not know the full extent of his abusive and aggressive behaviour?

And yet still warns you that she will report you?

Doesn't this tell you how professionals will see that he's bad enough - let alone the strangling etc?!

Glad you have found the strength to come back - you need to use this to get rid of this man forever with the help of your family.

I am glad you're sticking with both the therapist and mn, red. Just one thing to watch out for: he may sense that therapy is giving you strength and support and it will become his life's mission to separate you from the therapist. Watch out for 'crises' or other interventions designed to prevent you getting to sessions.

As Lundy Bancroft says, your life has revolved around him for way too long. Isn't it time your life revolved, at least a little bit, around YOU? Don't you deserve more time and headspace to think about you?