My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

Red, didn't you go to AlAnon meetings a while ago? Isnt AlAnon pretty clear on how addiction works - you as the partner didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it?

You're already trying to control it. You can't. Nobody can. No matter how much you love him, no matter how much you want him to be better. Nobody has ever managed to do this for their addict partners. Why do you think you'll be the first?

This man is a bottomless pit. However much love, effort and energy you put into him it'll never be enough. People like this suck everything out of the people that love them. There'll never be enough for your dd when so much is going into this man.

Thinking about sharing a bottle of wine with an alcoholic and dealing drugs to a family member with addiction problems is totally fucked up. So many ways he's being enabled, being a violent, lazy bully pays off for him in your set up.

So do I hope it's a wind up. Her dd has a special place to be angry in but they have no idea about dh "teehee". Of course they do it's their duty to know what's wrong with your dd.

The op has made him sound irresistible any woman would want a pot smoking drunk beside them. I'm going to have to give the famous words my partner says to people. Go to college op and get an education let your dd see a strong woman.

Yep, I wont be posting or reading again. No point.

If it's not a wind up it's too stupid for words. Yes Red, you're right and everyone else is wrong despite basing our opinions on what you've told us. Let's hope the thread title comes true. Over and out.

Over and out.

If this is genuine, I honestly don't understand what you want from MN and why you keep these threads running, saying exactly the same things and getting the same responses. It's almost as though you are looking for reactions, the way you keep coming back on this thread and saying the same stuff.

Clearly there is nobody here who is going to change your mind, almost 900 posts on this thread alone saying you are risking your DD as well as yourself, with the only reaction from you to keep coming back and detailing how abusive he is, basically. You are wasting everyone's time and letting your DD down so perhaps posters are best stepping back and letting the professionals take action.

There is a difference people between supporting women to leave abusive relationships, and people having to take actual action to prevent harm to children as their parents are putting them at risk, and this situation, if real, is one of the latter.

Anyone posting on this thread is completely wasting their time. If it's genuine, you are on the radar and I have no doubt it's only a matter of time until social services involvement, so your DD will get the help she deserves from professionals.

Well I've found it helpful. If it wasn't for mumsnet and previous support I'd never have found the courage and conviction to change our lives for the positive. I kept getting drawn back in to defend myself against people calling me a shit parent. Calling me stupid, calling it a wind up I don't really care but I can't just let people call me a bad parent without me having to come back and defend myself. I think that sort of goading is exactly what those posters wanted.

No one is obligated to post. I never get the 'wasting my time' mentality.

I'm going to continue with therapy and keep raising my daughter to be a happy, secure and bright girl.

And with that I'm out too.

If you can't see why people are calling you a shit parent (hint: it's because you're going back to an alcoholic, drug-addicted, violent husband who will make your life miserable and damage your daughter), there is no point in us replying to you, Red.

Well, good luck.

Without the deadweight, you probably are a great parent. I hope you dump him as soon as possible and go on to raise your daughter exactly as you say - bright, happy and secure.

Yes I agree we are all wasting our time. I'm not sure what the OP (if genuine) wants from this.

Red - you carry on as you are then; keep an eye on his alcohol consumption and keep checking in with your BIL about how much pot he's consuming (let's hope he doesn't find an alternative dealer too quickly eh?), Keep hoping he'll manage to contain the violence and if not then surely it'll just be small stuff like smashing up the house and pushing you so that's all fine isn't it?? Probably best not expect any money for feeding or clothing your daughter though because obviously he needs that to buy his drugs. If she smells of pot then it's probably not too strong, if he drives her in a car when he's stoned he's probably not that impaired. La la la la la life is lovely lovely lovely everyone is happy happy happy

In the meantime your little girl can keep punching her special pillow.

You are an awful mother - you've allowed her to be brought up in an environment that's caused god only knows what damage to her developing brain and you have a chance to change that and instead you're going to put her right back into it because you think your needs and your useless DH are more important. I feel very very sad for her.

I never get the 'wasting my time' mentality
I don't think that you understand the concept of wasting time at all because if you did you would see that you are wasting YOUR LIFE on this man.

I wasted a good few years of my life through drugs and men and only now can I see that I actually wasted the best years of my life.

Nothing I can do about it now but make the most of the future but it still hurts me to know that I did this to myself.

However even though I did it to myself, it was not only me that suffered the effects. My son did and my parents did when they took full-time care of him for 18 months when they were hoping on enjoying their retirement.

Think about it.

I actually think if people do want to help OP, not engaging might actually be better as all these threads do is enable her to practise her excuses again and again and keep justifying herself. Not helpful in the long run.

My mum was like you. I have never forgiven her and I don't have any relationship with her now. She's still with my dad, still excusing his behaviour.

I'm sorry but you don't deserve your daughter. MN will be here to help when you realise how fucked up this all is. Hopefully that will be before it's too late.

Your daughter needs a psychologist, and a special box and a punching bag etc yet you think she's having a good upbringing? Deluded

I think you are really missing the point of the problems..Abusers do not walk in and punch you in the face it is an esculation. Slowly slowly...He is already talking to you about reintroducing drink....He is talking about returning the status quo..He only knows one dealer at the mo your BIL .. sounds great doesn't take long to find another.. Or BIL to lie in the interst of his illegal business.Hardly a reliable source..

It's all fine, DD is fine and you're a great parent.

Wake up.

Watch your dd...watch her turn back into that angry anxious child that needs therapy when your waster of a DH gets his useless feet back under the table. She's happy now and yes you did that...but she's happy because she is away from him. Why can't you see that?

He only knows one dealer at the mo your BIL ..
If I knew you personally and I could see the harm that this people are doing to you, I think I would be reporting your drug dealing BIL to the police.

doesn't take long to find another
When I gave up drugs for the final time, I smashed up my phone and cut up the SIM card when I moved across town.

There were so many times that I would have been back on drugs again if I had the phone numbers on hand as it is so easy.

Giving up drugs is actually the easy part. Not being able to see "friends" or go out because you know what will happen is the hard part.

The OP's DH is supposed to be a grown man, so he shouldn't find that he loses his lifestyle just because he can't socialise any more.

I would be asking why a nice life with his wife and DD isn't enough for him and he has to smoke dope like a teenager all the time??

Do you know what the impact of early childhood trauma and abuse does to brain development? Do you know how much more likely it is that your daughter will have issues with substance abuse, impulse control, responding appropriately to stress and building healthy relationships? That damage is done and at best, you're giving her a bandaid.

Did you ever think that's she's clingy with you because she's learned to be wary of adults?

He still smokes, wants to drink, gaslights you to the point where you self harm, refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions, and doesn't give you a penny.

Your threshold for a good relationship is not cheating and not shoving you or smashing the house you live in (again)

How much more of your life and your daughters future are you going to waste trying to make this work? If he wants it, let him do the work, it shouldn't be up to you to try harder.

You're so conditioned to excuse and accept his behaviour I wonder how far he'll go before you can see clearly.

He's gone back on, or not even attempted to address all your initial requirements for reconciliation.

Answer this, why don't you think you're worth more?

Oh Red.

I know it's frowned on to search back for threads. But last November, you went from saying 'I asked him to really step up on being a Dad and he has. It's made a difference already to their relationship' to 'Things have happened and I've chucked him out' in three weeks.

He'd need to be nice for a lot, lot longer before anyone could trust him again.

I keep coming back on here to see if you have had that "aha" moment.

But you haven't.

There are a lot of studies out there about children who grow up in toxic environments. Lots and lots of studies about how the higher cortisol levels and stress really negatively impact children.

You keep coming back to the fact that you have a therapist and I wonder if this somehow makes you feel like you are a-ok and doing your bit. It's like the therapist gives you some sort of permission to be with this man, as though you're saying "well yes he has problems and so do I, but I'm in therapy, aren't I good?"

Such a desperately sad thread. So sad that you feel your worth and any kind of life is only valuable with a man. Any man.

He's a gas lighting, abusive, addict who is a cocklodger to boot.

Your Dd is likely to be destined to repeat your mistakes, can you deal with that guilt?

Your dd not letting anyone else look after her could be a sign of attachment issues. I hope ss get involved, it's the only way she might get the help she needs, whether that's living with you or not. You will never put her needs first will you?

You really just can't hear yourself, can you?

You can't seem to hear the help and support here when it's put eloquently and gently. So I'm going to be horrible and blunt.
You seem to need validation that you're a good parent. You're not. You're an awful parent. The worst. Because, whatever you tell yourself, you aren't putting her first. Your putting your fantasy first. And that's all it is, a fantasy. You are putting her back in an awful situation. One where her mother was strangled in the room with her asleep in it. You had a chance to turn it around and instead you haven't just chosen but invited your abuser back into your lives. I hope social services do intervene because that's the only hope I can see to save either of you. Because the next time he falls off th wagon, and it's not if, it's when because that's how addiction works, he could kill you. Or her. And in the meantime he's causing you both enough problems that will rot and fester until they come to a head for you and your daughter.

But that's your choice. It's not your daughter's but you're inflicting it on her. I wonder if she'll ever forgive you. I wouldn't be able to.