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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 13:12

Yes I'm going to tell him but being the weak idiot I am in going to put it like 'that nasty therapist said we can't....'. Do you really think I respect myself right now?

OP posts:
CreamCrackerundertheSettee · 07/04/2017 13:12

Well thank God your therapist has her head screwed on straight.

Your decision to stay together is utterly baffling and delusional. How is a violent drug addict ever going to become a wonderful father?

Are you scared of telling him he can't move in? What do you anticipate his reaction will be because if you fear violence , do it with your family there NOT on your own.

user1471432735 · 07/04/2017 13:13

Actually the right thing is to get as far away from this man as possibly, physically and emotionally. You've done the bare minimum and not because you know it's right... because you were given no other choice.

Your relationship with this man has already caused you and your daughter considerable harm and it will continue to do so. You're very much in danger and you don't seem to care.

user1471432735 · 07/04/2017 13:14

It's very telling that what you're most worried about is upsetting him

NotYoda · 07/04/2017 13:16

OP

I hope you have seen/will shortly see your therapist again and talk all of this through with her.

There's a real danger with you sticking to this thread and then the issue becoming people getting angry with you and you spending energy defending yourself . I think you've done well to stick with it on here but I wonder if it's getting past the point of being useful. Talk to someone in RL.

NotYoda · 07/04/2017 13:17

X post

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 13:17

I don't know how I'm going to tell him. No fear of violence but I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 13:19

True. It can feel safely 'not real' on here.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 07/04/2017 13:22

I'm really glad that your therapist has been so clear and direct with you. Well done for making the choice to put the brakes on. You absolutely need to consider your daughter's welfare but also your own welfare here. This man is absolutely no good for you OP, it couldn't be clearer. I know its incredibly difficult to see things clearly when you're in such an intense relationship, but you have had over 900 messages on here all saying the same thing.

You've made a difficult decision. Its the right decision. Be proud. Tell him and get it done. You're not saying you never want to see him again, you're setting a boundary. That's a perfectly reasonable thing. His reaction will tell you a lot. Please make sure that you have someone else with you when you tell him - you sound scared of what might happen when he hears the news.

NotYoda · 07/04/2017 13:39

Have you told family/friends? Tell someone else and make it more real

I am sorry, I don't know how but I missed your last post about your therapist

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 13:46

The only people I was truly honest with were my colleagues and friends back in London and I don't see them anymore. My family all wanted us to get back together so badly that I'm worried to say that I'll be living alone with dd. Because I'm not well it makes me a bit of a burden. I'm getting better everyday but still need hands on support. I can't lift dd for example and I can't drive.

I couldn't tell them everything but they know about the pot (and don't care) so they'll probably be a bit Hmm like I was when I say that's why he can't live with us.

OP posts:
Happyinthehills · 07/04/2017 13:48

You shouldn't hide behind the nasty therapist line. He shouldn't move back because he's not done the work you've asked of him. If you can't tell him that without fear he's not the man you say he is.

53rdAndBird · 07/04/2017 13:48

Of course you're dreading telling him. You've spent so much time putting him first that anything where you're not doing that is going to be way outside your comfort zone. So much so that you'd rather throw the responsibility over to someone else.

But, look at it this way: you have been strong. It takes real strength to do what you did and leave in the first place, and to be honest with your therapist. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you can do more than you think you can.

People don't always understand just how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship (and I'm sure that's not how you see yours, but it rarely is... it wasn't how I saw mine either). Women leave and go back on average seven times before they leave for good. It's hard hard hard to pull yourself back from that partner, to give yourself that space, to make decisions that you know are right for you and DD.

There is a bright shining future for you on the other side of this. There's a life where you're not putting him and what he wants first, and you actually know what you want, as well as what DD needs. Nobody but you can get you there. But you are starting to get there already.

user1471432735 · 07/04/2017 13:50

Why can't you tell your family the truth?
Is it because that might make it real

Garnethair · 07/04/2017 13:56

If you've just seen your therapist OP give yourself a bit of time for it to sink in. You do know what you have to do don't you.

If you want to keep your daughter you need to end it with this man. If you want to choose your husband then your daughter will probably have to live elsewhere for her own safety and wellbeing. Social services support would be a good plan for you, as you need some help with this situation.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 07/04/2017 14:19

FFS you do not owe him anything for having slept with him.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 14:25

Yes user and also, shamefully because I want to keep the door open to us being together and if I told my family he'd shoved me about and sworn and shouted at us both plus the bad night I think they'd never forgive him.

OP posts:
Gallavich · 07/04/2017 14:26

If you blame the therapist then you will be no further on. I assume you want him to do therapy and give up weed?

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 14:29

Yes garnet I get some time to myself after therapy. I've got to go back and get dd now. It's my only time to myself these hours after a session. It's no choice though. It's dd every time.

53rd she was suggesting an abuse service in the county and although I started doing the freedom project and attended a DV service in London I always felt it was a bit extreme for my relatively tame situation. I'll think about it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 07/04/2017 14:30

I don't actually blame her at all. Like I said, I'm pathetic and it shifts the person 'keeping us apart' off me in his eyes.

OP posts:
Megatherium · 07/04/2017 14:34

Do think about why your family would never forgive him if they knew what he'd done to you. Also think about why your therapist is so concerned, and why SS are likely to take your daughter into care if he moves in - it's because all of them recognise (or would recognise if you gave them the facts) the danger that this relationship is putting you and your daughter in. You need to recognise that there is no chance that he will every become a good father without, as a minimum, becoming clean and staying clean permanently, and putting an end to all the attempts to manipulate and gaslight you. Do you seriously believe any of that is ever going to happen?

PovertyJetset · 07/04/2017 14:38

This continual narrative of protecting him, making things sounds good for his benefit. Why?

Just why?

I'm glad you were able to "hear" your therapist. It would be beneficial for you to tell your partner that you will be having a separation and if in 1 years time he is in therapy,got a steady job and independent income and is CLEAN. THEN AND ONLY then he can start to build the relationship with you.

Hidingtonothing · 07/04/2017 15:09

I get it Red, it goes back to the people pleasing thing doesn't it, it's not you 'rejecting' him or hurting his feelings if you blame the therapist. But you could turn this to your advantage, 'my therapist is worried that you don't seem to be seeking therapy for yourself DH, she wants to know you're doing that before you even think about moving in' and 'my therapist wants to be sure you can handle working and contributing towards DD's needs before you move in DH' etc. You should be able to insist he does these things for yourself and DD but I know you find that difficult, your therapist is giving you a way to put your foot down without feeling bad so use it!

As you get stronger in therapy maybe you might feel able to say 'my therapist says, and actually I agree with her....' as other things crop up later down the line until you eventually hit a point where you can say the things you find difficult without needing to use your therapist as an excuse. That might even be her strategy, I don't know but it's certainly something you can use to combat your people pleasing and set better boundaries while you work on your confidence.

I'm seeing this as a positive Red, your therapist is empowering you even if it doesn't feel like it to you right now.

Lweji · 07/04/2017 15:15

If you are going to use the therapist, I think you should say:

"My therapist made me realise that this relationship is still unhealthy and that we should be apart until you sort out your issues and I sort out mine. I understand now that neither of us can get better together. As such, I've decided to give us at least 6 months apart, with no contact at all (or just via email, phone, whatever), and then see how we both are and re-evaluate"

But the key point is that it needs to be you, even if with the support of your therapist.

NotYoda · 07/04/2017 15:36

Yes, that's so interesting..

You think your family will never forgive him

And they love you

Ergo .....

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