My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

[RedStripeIassie]

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

It is so easy for him to appear as a changed man. He lives the life of riley and has to take no respomsibilities at all. No job stress, can spend his day how he likes, can spend his money how he likes, has people offering him a bed and most likely doing his cooking and laundry for him, no wonder he is in a good mood at the moment.
But who really looked after you when you were ill, who made sure your DD was fed, clothed and cuddled? That wasn't and still isn't him!

God this is awful. Please OP, you have 14 pages of people telling you exactly the same thing.

If he really has changed, genuinely so, then he will be perfectly willing to wait. And give up the drugs immediately. You need to put your DD first.

I am so so disappointed to read the last few pages - how can you possibly still think this is a good idea

Your poor little girl

When you say that moving back in 'feels right', remember that it's always easier to fall back into the bad situation we want than it is to struggle to keep ourselves in a good situation.

I think I remember you now. As you wish, I won't say anything about your other threads. But I do think you're wanting something that neither of you is ready for right now.

Do I think an addict can change? Absolutely. My brother was a dire, dire alcoholic and has now been sober almost two years. But he sought and persevered with counseling, support and help. Another close family member was a weed addict. And he has been straight (again) for a few months. He had a long stretch of being straight, but fell back because he stopped seeking support and treatment.

Your DP hasn't stopped smoking and hasn't sought treatment. He hasn't really acknowledged that he even has a problem. It's more like he believes that you think he's got a problem so he'll play along. That's never going to last. And smoking weed isn't really the biggest of his problems is it? Not if you look at the big picture.

'For the first time in so long I'm actually happy and able to give dd the sort of upbringing she deserves.'

With a violent, abusive drug addict who has not stopped using and her co-dependent mother who is still stuck in the cycle of abuse (because she hasn't been away from it long enough). I really hope SS does take this seriously. This child deserves so much more than the upbringing she will have with you when you're with this man.

And so, like Elspeth, I'm out.

For the first time in so long I'm actually happy and able to give dd the sort of upbringing she deserves. yes, so keep doing that. You've been doing that with your jobless druggie "D"P. And jobless odd fine I'd he's looking, and spendi5 what money he does have on his child. But he's not, he's spending it on his addition.

I'm also going to hide this thread and wait for your new one in a few month's time about how awful he's being to you, but I just want to say one last thing.

I don't know what illness you had, but like others on here, I suspect it was probably as a consequence of how he treated you and the stress you were under. You're still weak and vulnerable, and if you get back with him and his behaviour escalates again, which it probably will, you will probably get ill again. And maybe this time, instead of it being " touch and go on a couple of occasions" it will kill you. And your DD will be alone with an abusive drug addict to look after her. But if that's what you want they hey, have fun and enjoy your 'happy family'.

Signing out now.

*then hey

Red you are fooling yourself, honey. He has not changed and you have a long way to go to be able to judge things wisely for your and your dd's life.

Having fucked up people in your life must, I think, throw your internal 'thermometer' of normal off very badly.

You've had a scare, your illness, it has made you feel week and that has pushed you back into a situation which you think will help.

You said "I admit part of it is because he'll be useful to have around."

Please find some alternative 'support', you know the kind that really is supportive.

"The sqirming out of therapy thing is driving me mad. I'm happy to pay for it but he won't do it."

You know he won't do it, right? So something that a few pages back was one of your rules has now become, '...he won't do it'.

Have you seen those films where people walk in quick sand,? They struggle and fight and then get more caught up, eventually they stop struggling, and they sink.

How can they possibly be helped? Do not get in the quicksand in the first place. And if you do, once out, stay out.

"I'm not stupid and know what he's trying to do." Do you?

I think he is promising a lot and delivering a very little. Sound familiar?

YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER deserve better.

Did I mention my son is adopted? His birth parents loved him, but could not prioritize his needs. Please do think about this. They were not bad people, they just could not put his needs above their own needs. Their needs for drugs and drink etc.

Branleuse a therapist you cannot be honest with is not much use. If the OP really felt her situation with her ex moving back in would be good for her and her dd she would happily tell the therapist. She is keen not to because she knows it is a shit idea. On some level she knows. But some sort of internal self destruct button is pushing her forward.

She needs an honest therapist a million times more than she needs her abusive ex back in her life, and on some level she knows that too IMHO.

But I think fear works like this, better the devil you know.

Without him the OP will be the only adult in the family and it may be tough at times, but OP I think you are up to the job! And it will be much tougher if you are also looking after a man child too. A man who cannot get therapy when he needs it, cannot survive without drugs, etc.

Get all the help you can, OP ask for what you need from people who will support you, find your way forward.

If he is worthy of you he will wait until you are ready and I would say that will be quite a while.

Back to the original question.

If you stop therapy, or move him back in, then the therapist will involve social services.

You can avoid all of that by not moving him back in.

Your therapist wants to help you. She is even working a cheap rate to help you.

Talk to her about what she thinks. Ask her about it feeling right. Ask her about what she thinks of his progress. Ask her to get you comfortable with talking about money.

You say he knows you won't stand for his nonsense any more but you are breaking all of your own rules and ultimatums you made back in December.

You said 6 months. You have gone back on that.

You said he had to be fair financially. You have gone back on that, he has kept the deposit and spent it on drugs.

You said he had to be fair to his daughter financially. You have gone back on that. You have let him prioritise buying spliffs over paying for her food and clothing.

You said he has to go to therapy. You have gone back on that. You have said he can move in with you without him even having booked the first session, never mind sticking with it.

You said you would be out the door if he was ever violent. It took you a few days to convince yourself to stick to your own word. But you did go. You sticking to your word on that seems to have forced some change.

Why not do that with the other stuff?

OP you realise this thread is a rare occasion where virtually all Mumsnetters are in agreement?

If it's all so right, stop rushing. He will wait. Work things through. Let him engage with help. You have plenty of time. Unless you're just placing yourself and your DD at terrible risk by taking a crazy gamble. You know that's what it is. You actually know it.

Is your DD the 3 year old who was on first name terms with your friendly local drug dealer? You have done brilliantly to get away from him but it seems that you are incapable of prioritising your child over any sustained period of time.

You dismissed posters talking of SS involvement on your last thread. Now that it has been mentioned to you by a professional you are still being dismissive, considering lying or stopping therapy rather than considering why it might have been suggested. Maybe it will take an actual social worker knocking on your door for you to wake up. I hope for her sake the referral is made.

Red I'm extremely fond of you (as much as you can be on mn) you know that, you have done brilliant to remove your DD from that shitty situation you were in.

He could of killed you and left your DD motherless. He still could and probably still will hurt you again. You know your doing the wrong thing or you wouldn't of posted asking about it.

Red, have you ever looked back at your previous posts on MN?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2758474-My-DP-doesnt-look-after-his-mind-body-or-soul?pg=1&order=

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2786080-My-partner-is-damaging-his-daughters-mind-body-and-soul-follow-on-thread?pg=1&order=

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2771617-How-much-would-you-judge-this-family-at-the-playground

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2784490-To-repay-him-the-2-80-in-pennies-the-tightfisted-fucknugget?pg=1&order=

It might be illuminating for you.

Everything that is now being said on this thread was already said on the first couple of pages - it is now going round in circles

Red, I wish you nothing but the best, and no doubt you will take from the thread what you find helpful.

It may be worth your while to discuss 'trauma bonding' with your therapist.

Just posting to say I'm still reading every post and I still find mumsnet a great source of advice. I'm concidering things but as many posters have said, all this is just going round in circles. There nothing new for me to post either.

I wish I'd posted for advice a few weeks back. I wish the therapist had said something like this at our first session but it's too late now.

No. It isn't too late now. Because in any healthy relationship you can change your mind. You can take a few steps back. You can say you need more time.

but it's too late now

Why? Is he already living with you? It's never too late for you to change your mind. You can always, always at any point, say "No, sorry, it really is too early for me for us to live together again - I need to give it a few more months at least, and in the meantime you need to do this and this and this." You haven't lost your chance to do that.

(And even after he's living with you - you can always say "this is too soon for me, this isn't working, we need to spend more time apart while you do XYZ." There isn't ever a point when it becomes 'too late' for you to stand up for yourself and your daughter.)

I suspect the reason you feel it's too late is because if you tell him you're not ready he will react badly. Whether that's anger or passive aggression or withdrawal of affection. And you don't want that, because you're still conditioned to run when he clicks his fingers and you're still a co-dependent in a relationship with an abusive addict.
Can you not see? The fact that you can't tell him 'sorry, on reflection it's too soon, you haven't shown enough change for me to trust it' because you fear his reaction means it is a MASSIVE mistake?

Are you afraid of what he might do if you tell him you've changed your mind, OP?

If so, doesn't that tell you something?

We're meant to be moving in the next few days!

I don't think he'd be a complete twat but wouldn't be happy if I changed my mind last minute. I don't think anyone In that situation would be.

I posted a long reply and lost it.
In brief, you know this is too quick, everyone else knows it, you and more importantly your daughter are 99.99% likely to suffer if he moves in and you resume this unhealthy relationship. You keep posting on here although you know all this already. I actually think you are attention seeking and wasting peoples time so I'm out now