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Original poster

My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 12:30

fox two small spliff don't affect him anymore than two small glasses of wine would affect me.

OP posts:
thisismypotheadnamechange · 29/03/2017 12:34

Your therapist isn't saying this because he smokes a few spliffs. If that was the case social services would've had my kids away years ago.

user1471432735 · 29/03/2017 12:34

It's not about the drugs it's about the addiction. If you couldn't have the wine anymore, would you cope or would you make a million excuses to justify having the wine, take money from your partner and child to pay for the wine and refuse to talk to a therapist about your need to drink wine to function?

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 29/03/2017 12:36

If she suspects your children are in danger she is legally duty bound to report the matter. If you are prioritising your husband living with you over your children's safety, any number of professionals have the same duty to safeguard so stopping therapy might be a delay tactic instead of a solution. If you stop going to cover up, she may decide it is best to report you anyway. You have a responsibility to your children, their safety should be more important.

myoriginal3 · 29/03/2017 12:39

Social Services will be all over you like a hot snot. Reason being, a concern has been raised by another professional so the buck stops with them now should anything go wrong.

If you do move him back in, be prepared for the worst.

NaiceBiscuits · 29/03/2017 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LevantineHummus · 29/03/2017 12:50

I agree about the therapist OP. She's thereto help you, not to say what you want to hear to make you feel happy. She is giving you reduced price sessions and if you stop you a) may not find someone else as good at the same price or b) may not be able to go back to her on the same rate, because she'll only have certain space(s) for that rate and if they're in use then you would have to pay the full price. Not a threat, just an FYI for your decision making.

I've read your other threads last year too. Impressed you've made such changes, but worried you're moving too fast now. If you've been at your mum's then could she still help you out a bit? Then he could have a good 6 months to work, provide, quit weed and make a good start on therapy AND you'd have a bit extra help.

Maybe also worth discussing with your therapist if there are options you don't know about right now in terms of getting help while you get fully better. You never know!

Gallavich · 29/03/2017 12:52

He hasn't changed. You're fooling yourself. But go ahead if you must, mumsnet will be there when it goes wrong again.

Yoshimihere · 29/03/2017 12:52

We're only a few sessions in and I haven't gone into much detail about the relationship yet so she's basing it on very little detail.

So give it more time. You are only a few sessions in. Let her get to know you and your situation better. Get a better feel for how you feel about her judgement.

Is there no part of you at all concerned that a professional is worried for your daughter? Are you really 100% sure of you own views?

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/03/2017 12:58

Ok, how's this?

You go to him, today, and say that you are feeling worried about his commitment to you and DD. That you feel that it would be better to wait for him to move in until after he has had therapy for at least 3 months, and then you will be happy to discuss it again.

See what his reaction is, it will tell you a lot. Make it clear that he will not be moving in until this has happened.

I suspect that the "new" him will disappear when he realises that you mean it. If he doesnt and understands and accepts what you say then that is a good sign, and he should do well in therapy. So why not try that?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 29/03/2017 12:58

I am only a thread in and I am terrified for you. If you feel so much better now, think how good it will be for waiting a little longer to rush back in and have a few more therapy sessions from someone who obviously cares about you and your daughter's well being.

HopefulHamster · 29/03/2017 13:00

OP your thread is about the wrong thing.

The therapist is fine.

The issue is because this has come after you've rushed to invite him back, you feel like you can't disinvite. I'm guessing you are worried it will be awkward, like talking about money is.

But you are going far too fast!

You can't forgive someone a whole heap of sins because they wreck a place and then sort it out after.

Tell him you just want to wait until he's started his job and therapy. Please.

Quartz2208 · 29/03/2017 13:00

Doesnt the fact she is basing it on a little detail and coming up with a response that those posters who remember the backstory agree with tell you something.

The thing is therapists etc can only break a clients trust if safeguarding issues are involved, she is telling you that taking him back will (rightly) mean that.

The posters who agree with you are saying it about a smoke in the evening but its not just that - its everything

Hulder · 29/03/2017 13:04

I haven't gone into much detail about the relationship

You have probably gone into far more detail than you realise. Plus she is an experienced therapist. She won't be naive about the sort of relationship you have been in or the neglect your child was experiencing.

MinnieF1 · 29/03/2017 13:09

You have said you can see the positive change in your DD already since leaving, yet you're prepared to set her up for a childhood of misery, violence, instability and exposure to drugs just so you don't have to live alone?

You know how this will end (ie you'll end up in the same situation you were in last year).

He has not changed and will not change. Yes people can change. But he is already making excuses and has not even stopped taking drugs. On what planet has he changed?!

If you find it too difficult to cope because you are unwell, can you stay at your mums a little while longer?

flippinada · 29/03/2017 13:10

This thread is utterly heartbreaking.

I remember your previous threads to. Please, for the love of God, will you just listen to what people are saying! You could lose your daughter over this. It's hard spots. You're willing to put yourself and her and all the progress you've made at risk over some pathetic, self indulgent fantasy that this abusive drug addict will magically turn into dad of the year.

Don't you care about her at all?

ElspethFlashman · 29/03/2017 13:11

I'm hiding this thread now too.

I was supportive all along but sorry Red you're being an awful eejit and nobody can help you cos you think we are all drama queens who don't know him in real life.

Best of luck. I'm afraid he's going to disappoint you and your daughter badly by the time summers out. He's already being massively disappointing - not having any intention of therapy and never giving you a penny and being a Stoner For Life, but you don't seem to be willing to let all that slide to get him back giving you a hand in the house.

Bye.

flippinada · 29/03/2017 13:12

hard spots is a typo. It should be that serious.

God. It's like watching a car crash and being powerless to stop it Sad

EllieQ · 29/03/2017 13:14

Does your therapist know he was violent to you (including putting his hands around your throat) in December? Did you report it to the police?

Do the family and friends who are happy that you're getting back together know how violent he was to you? If they do and they still think you should get back together, then you're surrounded by some fucked-up people.

And as a PP has said, surely it wouldn't be good for his recovery to have to deal with the day-to-day stresses of life with a three-year-old (given that you seem to prioritise him over your daughter).

Falafelings · 29/03/2017 13:20

If he's been an addict, he needs to completely give up the weed. It's a slippery slope addiction wise and his best bet is to have a complete break. Stop all drugs and stay clean. It's only a small sacrifice if he's got down to two spliffs a day.

Choosing to take drugs and not to look after a child despite being 100% responsible for the child is dangerous and a child protection issue.

Falafelings · 29/03/2017 13:23

Once an addict, always an addict. It may look like he's got it under control but the fall back into heavy use is always there in the background.

ImperialBlether · 29/03/2017 13:25

Are you the OP who asked whether we'd judge a woman who drank a bottle of wine in the park in the afternoon?

StepPerJogging · 29/03/2017 13:36

I doubt OP would be getting these responses if her DH was a drinker.

SeaEagleFeather · 29/03/2017 13:38

The sqirming out of therapy thing is driving me mad. I'm happy to pay for it but he won't do it. Ow and when I talk about next month he said he'll have to see if he can fit it in around work. I'm not stupid and know what he's trying to do.

You're even paying for it?

HE needs to pay for it.

Fgs you are enabling this violent waste of space.

When someone put their hands round my neck we didn't speak for 5 years - and that was a very close family relative.

It is not normal to have your hands round someone's neck.

it is not normal to abuse drugs the way he did and does.

It is not normal to sponge off someone else the way he is.

it is not healthy to be in a relationship like this.

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/03/2017 13:54

If her DP was a violent, abusive man who prioritised money for booze over her child's need for a warm coat and heating in the house you can bet she'd get the exact same response Step.Hmm This is not about smoking weed, it is about a disfunctional, abusive relationship that negatively impacted the OP and her DD.