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My therapist implied she'd have to involve social services if I allow my husband to move in with us.

999 replies

RedStripeIassie · 28/03/2017 22:08

Long back story..... dh became an ex late last year after I had enough of him drinking and smoking pot and skunk all the time and generally being neglectful of my dd and myself. I said that if he could turn his life around I'd consider getting back together after 6 months plus. I moved back home and found a place to rent starting in March. I became seriously ill and in hospital it was touch and go on a couple of occasions. Dh was by my side the whole time and we starting rekindling things during all the madness.
He doesn't drink anymore and just smokes a couple of light spliffs a night. He is the man I remember falling in love with and the relationship he has with dd is growing by the day.

As well as my physical health my mental health has been pretty shaky and I've started seeinga really good therapist. This is a first for me. My understanding was that's everything was totally confidential unless it was a life or death situation or child abuse or another serious crime.
Because of this I have been so open and honest about the past thinking that is the best way. Some of what I've told her has clearly worried her and she has said a few times how lucky I was to not attract SS involvement. She did a risk assessment today and when I mentioned I had been thinking about letting dh move in with us in the new place she basically said that if I did it would be a safe guarding issue as he is still 'using' and she would have to report, otherwise it would look like she was colluding.

So WWYD?? I'm really getting a lot from therapy and she's a really good professional whose highly recommended. I'm lucky as she's doing me a big discount because I'm skint too. But what's the point in having therapy if you start having to lie to your therapist? It would be a waste of my money and both our time. I feel dh has made some really true and meaningful changes and I've been looking forward to us being together again after almost 4 months. Dd also wants to live with both of us and has really developed a great relationship with him after not really liking him before. He still needs to work on stuff but I disagree that he's a safeguarding issue. The worry is making me reconsider letting him move in though.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 29/03/2017 19:14

Your job is not to make him 'happy', it is to keep yourself and your DD safe.

Your perspective remains skewed.
Please keep seeing the therapist.

I think RunRabbit's summary was really rather chilling tbh.
Sad

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2017 19:15

Too late? What can you not reverse now?

TheTombstonesMove · 29/03/2017 19:15

Be strong Red. You can do this. Yeah it might feel awkward, stressful or upsetting to speak again to your DP and say actually, you've been thinking and you need to wait a while before considering him moving back in. And it might be uncomfortable to ask your mum to stay living with her a bit longer. And it might be irritating to lose some money on the house you've rented, or to spend more money on things that enable you to live there independently (cleaner?, supermarket delivery?). But those feelings will pass. You can get through them.

HecateAntaia · 29/03/2017 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gallavich · 29/03/2017 19:17

I thought the flat was in your name only?
Can you afford it without him? Housing benefit etc.
This is not too late.
You say anyone in his situation would be unhappy but that's rubbish. Anyone who had to leave their wife and child because they were physically and emotionally abusive as well as financially abusive and a substance addict SHOULD feel the following things;
Regretful
Desperate to change
Desperate to prove they changed
Respectful of their spouse's feelings and timescale
Respectful of the need to ensure their child's safety by not rushing things
Grateful for another chance
Desperate not to fuck up again
All those feelings are the bare minimum he should be feeling, and acting. He's just not. That tells me he hasn't changed fundamentally one little bit. I have said upthread I am a social worker and have extensive experience with abusive men. I'm right on this.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2017 19:17

Well, if he is a changed man, he would get over it very very quickly and completely understand your decision. Think of it as a test of that.

JigglyTuff · 29/03/2017 19:17

If you move him in now, you could lose your daughter.

Isn't it worth waiting so that you can have the family that you want?

Mermaidinthesea · 29/03/2017 19:18

Quite frankly I would always put my kids first over some pothead.

P1nkP0ppy · 29/03/2017 19:21

I can only echo Flippinada
It's like watching a car crash in slow motion on a loop ☹️
Your poor, poor little girl, she doesn't stand a cat's chance in hell of having a normal childhood so I hope the therapist does report on safeguarding grounds.
It's clear that you're going to have the abusive druggie back regardless of what the 340+ posters on this thread (and goodness knows how many on the other threads) say so best of luck to you. I just hope your DD gets a better life somehow.

SeaEagleFeather · 29/03/2017 19:22

No. It's not.

But I think you want it to be too late.

Take control and power for yourself RedStripe. Now.

If you can't / won't, things will just go back to the way they were. it's already started, because you can't stand up for what you originally said and made him promise to.

If you are serious that you have changed, then it's not too late.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 29/03/2017 19:23

Change your mind op. So what if he isnt happy about it. Put your daughter first, not him.

SeaEagleFeather · 29/03/2017 19:23

to quote from another post elsewhere:

How about this personal Bill of Rights (by Anne Dickson I think). Its not the be-all and end-all but might help. I found nos. 6 and 7 helpful myself ...

  1. I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person, independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.
  1. I have the right to express my feelings, both positive and negative.
  1. I have the right to be treated with respect.
  1. I have the right to express my opinions and values
  1. I have the right to say "no".
  1. I have the right to make mistakes.

7. I have the right to change my mind .

  1. I have the right to say I don't understand.
  1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
  1. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems.

11.. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for their approval.

RESPONSIBILITIES IN RELATION TO RIGHTS

  1. I recognise that I have responsibilities as well as rights.
  1. I do not have the right to infringe on the rights of others.
  1. I give others the same rights that I give to myself.
kittybiscuits · 29/03/2017 19:26

Also number 10 - in bright lights on a billboard!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2017 19:26

The therapist has handed you the perfect get out clause with him. Maybe she did it on purpose.

"MrRed my therapist says that if you move back now she will have to report us to social services. It will only be safe when you can prove how much you have changed to them over a longer period of time.

I have been advised that you will have to hold down the new job, pay child support and show you are going to therapy to stop smoking for a few months. I am sorry it has to be like this but I know you will understand that we have to put DD first. "

JaneEyre70 · 29/03/2017 19:27

I don't think I've ever read such a sad frustrating post as this one. A deluded OP who puts her drug using DHs needs above her DDs and her own.
I hope your therapist does report you OP. Because you are too in love with this man to see the impact his drug/alcohol use is having on a young girls life. You are choosing to be part of his madness, she has no voice in it. I feel really sad for you that you can't see what you are putting her through. Again.

Instead of lying to your therapist, get her help. She can give you the support and help that your DH is never going to. Please sweetheart, for your DDs sake and yours.

nicenewdusters · 29/03/2017 19:31

It's not too late to do what you want to do.

He's doing exactly what he wants to do.

You're scared of his reaction, that's why you won't tell him. I'd be scared too if he'd previously put his hands around my throat.

My friend was told by her solicitor that the behaviours she was exposing her dc to, by living with her partner, could become safeguarding issues. She chose to ignore everyone, took him back, is living in cloud cuckoo land and her kids have shit lives. I can barely speak to her, not because she's weak, or silly, or stupid, but because she's selfish and put her own wants first.

I'm sorry OP, you sound like a nice person, but you also sound selfish. If I knew you in RL I'd report you as I don't think you are able, at this moment in time, to keep your daughter safe. I've never posted anything like this on MN before.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2017 19:32

Are you scared of how he will react if he finds out you've told the therapist about the awful things he has done?

Hidingtonothing · 29/03/2017 19:33

I honestly think you're doing this for all the wrong reasons Red. I think the main driving force is your health and the worry that you won't cope alone with DD. Would you at least look into your options where that's concerned? Check whether you can get out of your rental contract on the grounds that your health has deteriorated, look into what other help you could get, either from family/friends or social care so you could manage in the new place. I think at least half of this is about needing help rather than needing him.

The other half is harder to deal with, you can't (or won't, for the reasons already mentioned and because you still want to see the best in him) see it but he's sucked you back in.

It's already been pointed out that he's promised more than he's actually done, it's all 'when this happens I'll....' rather than actual, physical progress. He's talked you into being ok with him giving you no money because 'he has to live', yes and so does his daughter and if she didn't have you and your mum and the safety net of there always being someone else who will feed and clothe her his DD would be going without. He's refusing to do the one thing you've said is essential, therapy. Despite the fact that, once again, you are spoonfeeding the solution to him by paying for it. And he's talked you into seeing things from his point of view, the 'just 2 spliffs', the 'I'll give you half the deposit money when.....', you're making too many concessions already and that's before he's even moved in!

And you still can't talk to him about 'tricky' subjects, money, therapy, the old flat. How much of that is your own fear of confrontation and how much is that he still makes it too hard, too uncomfortable for you to raise with him? This is all stuff you need to work on for much longer in therapy, your boundaries and ability to defend them, your ability to communicate about things you find (or he has made) difficult without fear of it being 'awkward' or him kicking off. And he needs to do a lot more too, kick the weed completely, start therapy, hold down a job and prove he can support his family.

Other than the need for help because of your illness, the fact that you feel like you can't back out now you've 'invited' him back and the picture you've painted in your mind of the 'happy family' you want to be (which is extremely likely to differ significantly from reality) why exactly do you need to get back with him now? I can see a multitude of advantages to waiting, taking things slowly and not rushing in and absolutely none for going ahead with him moving straight back in. At least find out if there's another way round the practicalities (alternative help/whether you can get out of your rental contract) before you make a decision because your other reasons are just not strong enough for the risk you would be taking by getting back with him at this point.

GabsAlot · 29/03/2017 19:34

youre not changing your min because yore care to tell him

and u want to have tea in the garden-u can do that u know in a shop

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 29/03/2017 19:35

Totally agree with runrabbit

Say this. Ifnonly to see how he reacts. Does he really have his daughters best interests at heart?

Hidingtonothing · 29/03/2017 19:41

Even if you're still going to go ahead with him moving in you should say what rabbit advises as a test to see how much he's actually changed. But you won't, because you know he will disappoint you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/03/2017 19:42

Do you have a solid friend or family member who could be with you as you tell him he cannot move in? Maybe they could even tell him for you because you are feeling so physically weak?

If you called your therapist do you think she would help you find the strength?

I know you want him for the helping hand at home but all the past evidence suggests you will end up looking after him as well as DD then having to find the strength to kick him out. That would all be far far harder than living with DD alone.

Besides he will be giving you a big wodge of money any day now, right, so you could get an au-pair or a mother's help or a cleaner and housekeeper for a couple of months to help you out.

PacificDogwod · 29/03/2017 19:44

RunRabbit's proposed wording is spot on.

I cannot tell you how much I am hoping you are listening to us all.

Doowappydoo · 29/03/2017 19:50

Echo what the others have said. It's not too late to change your mind.

He hasn't changed- he hasn't stopped smoking, he hasn't got a job, he doesn't give you or his daughter any money and he hasn't sought any help to address why he abused you (even though you have offered to pay Hmm)

Maybe he will change one day - people do - but he hasn't done it yet. Can't you see how wrong it would be to put your little one through that again after such a short time and with such little evidence of him having changed?

If you're not very careful it will be too late to prevent your DD from serious harm. Come on Red - you've done so well leaving and you have started to rebuild your life despite having had a really shitty time, your future could be so bright and happy. Don't let him drag you both back into the hell of living with an addict.

RedStripeIassie · 29/03/2017 19:52

I'm listening. I don't think I'll post much more but I'm still reading. I'll continue with therapy and I won't lie.
Honestly, I've been so strong to change my life and dds in every way in the last few months. It literally nearly killed me but I did it. I'm not ever going back to how things were. Im not afraid to kick him out if he's damaging the new life I've worked so bloody hard for. I'm a different person now and I am strong and I am focused on dd.

OP posts:
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