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Original poster

Eating Disorder Recovery

999 replies

OhIFellOff · 18/03/2014 16:47

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

OP posts:
IronMaggie · 12/10/2014 08:34

How tough would the fitness test be purple? Is it the sort of thing you'd be able to do with a few weeks preparation?

Perfectlypurple · 12/10/2014 13:31

I am so unfit at the moment it would take longer than a few weeks unless I go crazy with the exercise and I don'twwant to do that as it will push me Into bad habits again. This time last year I could have done it easily enough but I was over exercising and massively restricting with the food.
I spoke to my supervisor today and she says she has never seen me so enthusiastic about the job I have just interviewed for and she is right. I have spent 20 years in a public facing role with all the crap that entails like being assaulted, getting stuck with a needle, being verbally abused and I think I would like a break from it. If I get the job I have interviewed for there would be other options that would put me back into a stressful role once I have had a break from all that so if I get this job I won't go for the other one but if not the other one would be better than what I am doing now.

Sleepwhenidie · 12/10/2014 22:37

Purple maybe take a step back and really think about what you want to change from the job you do now, make a list. If the other job doesn't meet your criteria (such as getting away from a public facing role and unpredictable shifts) then look for a job that does, rather than going after that one because it is slightly better than your existing one. I'm guessing it would be awkward to move on pretty quickly from that to another (within the organisation) if you didn't like it? Fingers crossed you will get the one you really want anyway but if not then I think you should go after what you really want, don't 'settle' for second best (not to mention put yourself through the stress of another interview and the fitness test for a position you aren't that keen on) Smile

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 13/10/2014 08:26

Hello

Sounds like lots of positive steps forward which is good- well done.

Purple can you wait until you find out about the 1st job before you spend any time on applying for the 2nd? I know where you are coming from as I'd be the same wanting to cover bases...but in a week you'll know and then you can decide? As an outsider you sounded very likely to get it - did well in the interview, there are 20 roles going etc...

Good luck today Maggie at the new job. Let us know how it is goes.

I am really struggling here. Eating went out of the window on Friday and it has gone down hill since. Sad

End up sobbing in the car to DH yesterday. I am just so full of self-loathing, I & nothing is good enough etc. I also feel a failure for not being able to let go of the idea of dieting and/or losing weight. And I feel incredibly panicky about DD growing up with a fat mum. I kind of feel that DS is less of a concern, but I know girls/mums etc.

I think I am going to go to the Dr and see if I can be referred. I am also going to give the pill a go again. The only real time I managed weight loss was when the pill helped calm my hormones down. I am a bit worried about taking it as I know a few friends with breast cancer and I worry about the link, but I need to do something.

Need to pull myself together as I have a big work thing this week. I am hoping to have some time off after, I have just worked so hard this past month - I have billed the most I have ever billed in a month - and I think it is taking its toll.

In slightly more positive news we had a big clear out yesterday which feels very good to have done.

Hope you all have a good Monday. I hope to be back in a bit more of a positive mindset soon!

Sleepwhenidie · 13/10/2014 09:56

Hi mrsM, so sorry to hear you are so down. Did something in particular trigger you on Friday? You are not a failure - you have absorbed a lesson (wrt eat less move more) that we are bombarded with our whole lives, it's a very difficult concept to let go of and takes a long time and as fighting has acknowledged, the path to healing from this is not a straight one, it's very normal to have dips along the way. You also sound exhausted, which won't be helping Sad.

Sleepwhenidie · 13/10/2014 09:59

How are you doing Maggie, did you have a lovely evening with DH and the takeaway/film?

Sleepwhenidie · 14/10/2014 09:47

Hi MrsM how are you today? Smile

IronMaggie · 14/10/2014 22:33

Hi there - I'm afraid my update is along the same lines as Mrs', I've had a terrible few days. I've gone 3 days on the trot of eating terribly, which is the longest ever. I've been trying to think about what might have caused it, maybe anxiety about my new job. I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying my mantra, but somehow my brain is telling me to shut up and keep eating - can't explain it, but it's certainly not working.

DP thinks I need to see a therapist (not just about my eating, he thinks I'm depressed as well), and I definitely agree that I need help, I'm just not sure how to go about it. I feel utterly lost (and in pain - I won't go into detail, but the side effects of eating like this are extreme discomfort, even agony at some points, I can't believe I do this to myself).

Sorry I can't be more positive, I feel like I've let you all down and am dragging the group down into the depths of pity :( Is everyone else doing well at least?

FightingBed2014 · 14/10/2014 23:01

Maggie I have been lurking and thinking of you all but I couldn't not reply.

You absolutely haven't let anyone down at all!! This isn't a place for those that are recovered and all doing ok. We are here to listen and support each other through what ever troubles us. What you are going through is tough and we get that. If I was able to I'd give you a hug right now I would but vitrual will have to do.

The first step to getting help would be to contact your GP. if there is a particular Dr you get on with push for an appointment with them (it helped me to make the move to ask for help). Just tell them how your feeling as best you can. If your concerned about not being able to describe it, do your best and they will help you.

You must feel very lost with all that you're going through both physically and mentally. Uour doing great talking about it here. DH souds like a good help and support perhaps he could go.with you? I was put in touch with CBT which was free hopefully you can get that or something similar too.

I can't remember if you have contacted them before but b-eat can also help with the eating. They do support groups all over the UK.

Please don't feel alone, keep sharing when your able to and feel free to talk about what ever you want to. It does seem like this is a difficult period for a lot of us right now, me included so your in good company, so to speak. I think we all worry about over sharing at these times and burdening others but it really isn't the case.xx

FightingBed2014 · 14/10/2014 23:07

Margo you are absolutely not a failure! There are no time limits or rules to getting past what you struggle with. Don't worry about gauging your progress against someone or something else (easier said than done I know).

for the record, I'm immensely proud of you for all that you have achieved. Definitely agree with sleep regarding the exhaustion, the last month has been non stop for you. It's bound to get on top of you, perhaps try and allow youself to look at all you have acomplished with work, on top of being a mum and all the other things you do, its a lot. Huge hugs for you too and I'm hoping today has been a better day or at least a more restful one.x

FightingBed2014 · 14/10/2014 23:10

purple fingers crossed for that job. Have you had any time to consider whether you really want to go for that other one? Which ever path you choose, which one will make you happiest. (don't forget the one that involves looking in a new place all together).x

FightingBed2014 · 14/10/2014 23:11

carrie I hope your day was a good one.x

carriewintermeadow · 14/10/2014 23:39

Sorry I haven't been around much for the past day or two.

Purple, fingers crossed for news about the interview Smile

Mrs and Maggie, sorry things are difficult at present, wish I could help. I agree with Fighting, please keep posting, you have all been so helpful,I hope one day to be able to advise too.

Fighting, how are you today?

I'm not too bad, considering it's that time of the month AND someone is coming to view the house tomorrow, so have been busy cleaning and tidying all day, as I've let things slip recently due to feeling very down. I also had a doctor's appointment.

I'm still reading the book and finding it very helpful. Tomorrow I will print off the sheets linked to in the book and get started.

I've been eating OK, not bingeing, although I did find myself in the kitchen with the biscuit barrel, but then thought about it, decided I wanted 3 and sat down with them and a cup of tea in the living room.

Sleepwhenidie · 15/10/2014 07:41

Maggie please don't pile more pressure on yourself by thinking you are letting down anyone here. It's a place for support and shared experiences, good and bad. How are you feeling today?

Purple, how are you? What's going on? [smile

MrsM are you feeling any better?

Carrie - the three biscuits, sitting down and relaxing, (not 'checking out') huge progress! If you can turn an urge to binge into a conscious decision to eat something, then sit down and enjoy the food then it's a big change, it goes from something beyond your control, to your own choice, no guilt or recriminations afterwards and hopefully an appreciation of how the food makes you feel and when you have had enough. Next step, take one biscuit, put it on a plate and get your tea and have that one. If you want another, go and get it, repeat as long as you like, no limit on how many but eating with mindfulness. Helps you practice recognising satiety and to absorb the message that you can always have more if you want...

carriewintermeadow · 15/10/2014 08:10

Thanks Sleep Smile It still feels wrong, but I'm just trying to "go with it".

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 15/10/2014 08:24

A quick one as delivering my big work event. Thanks so much for asking after me etc. Am doing ok as so busy no time to think about anything! Has gone really well so far, thank goodness!

Sorry to hear of struggles maggie and carrie. As sleep wisely points out it unfortunately comes with ups and downs. Something I was reminded of last week. I just so want it "sorted".

Big hugs to us all. Thanks

FightingBed2014 · 15/10/2014 08:31

Good luck with the event Margo. Maggie I hope today is more settled in this new job for you. The first day is now in the past, you did itGrin . carrie the book seems to be doing you good. Are you finding things that click with how you feel and act?

I'm up and down but also that time of the month for me too.x

Perfectlypurple · 15/10/2014 16:53

Very quick update as have dh family visiting - got a call about the job today. I am a 'preferred candidate' and just have to do a medical and have vetting done. I am so relieved. Will pop back on properly when visitors gone at the weekend.

Sleepwhenidie · 15/10/2014 16:58

That's fantastic news Purple, so pleased for you SmileSmile

carriewintermeadow · 15/10/2014 17:26

That's great news Purple Smile

carriewintermeadow · 15/10/2014 17:29

At the moment it seems to be boredom, general restlessness and my inability to concentrate that is causing me to eat outside meals.

On the plus side the people who viewed our house today seemed to like it and we have another viewing tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

FightingBed2014 · 15/10/2014 17:38

Great news purple, so happy for you! I hope you have a lovely weekend.x

FightingBed2014 · 15/10/2014 17:43

Fingers crossed for the house carrie.

Do you have any hobbies or something that you have wanted to try? Maybe now would be a good time to explore and find something new to stimulate you.x

carriewintermeadow · 15/10/2014 18:26

No hobbies as such, Fighting, mainly reading and MNing. I might do a bit of knitting now it's getting cooler again.

carriewintermeadow · 16/10/2014 10:59

Having a bad day today, filled with self loathing, saw myself in the mirror, I look so fat and ugly, hate my hair. I went back to bed and really don't want to get up Sad

Wish I could stop feeling like this.

Sorry to be so negative. Hope everybody is ok.

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