Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

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Thinking of you fighting, hope you start to feel a bit better soon. You're bound to be upset at being let down. When we are low things feel so much worse.

Oh and it's ok to be angry too!

Glad you got out for some fresh air and managed a nap fighting . It's not nice to be let down. I don't know about you, but I find this grey, wet weather doesn't help.

Today I've allowed myself to have what I want straight away, that seems to stop me having loads, just one is enough - during the day anyway. The test will be when I'm stressed or bored.

So far I've had poached eggs on rye bread toast for breakfast, no lunch (got up late again), cabbage and meatballs in tomato sauce (home made) for dinner, mid morning snack of a mini bar of chocolate and mid afternoon snack of a mini snickers and after dinner an individual portion of tiramisu.

I know it's not great, eating so much sugar, but I hope by allowing myself what I fancy, when I fancy it, I'll stop myself bingeing on the stuff. I hope my listing what I eat isn't awkward for anyone here?

Hope everyone is OK

Thanks Carrie I have been feeling better this evening. Chatted with DH and had a look at wheee I can maybe slow down a bit.
Posting whqt you eat is a good idea. Anything you want to write is ok if it helps you. Also means we can pinch meal ideas. It's nice to hear you feel better for letting yourself have what you want.x

How is everyone doing today? Today is a much better day for me. Thinking of you all.x

Hi Fighting , glad you're feeling better today.

Feeling a bit nervous here, as my parents are on their way over. They only found out about my depression a couple of weeks ago. I don't really want to talk about it, especially not in front of my dad, I've never been good enough for him Also it means I need to move the cats and their litter tray upstairs, as they bring their dog and he chases the cats I don't mind too much, they curl up on my bed, but it's just a faff.

Dh went to a job fair this morning. There wasn't much in his field going, but he did speak to a company about a driving job, delivering cars for a garage. It's on a self employed basis and probably not a lot of money, but every bit helps.

Hope everyone is feeling OK today.

Sorry to hear you had a bad day yesterday fighting sounds like you managed it well.

I thought of 2 things when I read your posts.

1. Are you sure it isn't the hormones? Honestly once a month I think about leaving DH, running away, quitting my work etc. And it is always PMT. It feels so real though, it often shocks me. Next day, I feel normal.

2. In the Moon book sleep recommends it talks about the
   woman with a giant list of things that need doing, always thinking about what needs to be done. I know that reasonated with me.

I will be back.

Mrs I have the same feelings just before my period, I hate my husband, want to leave him, never see him again, and yes, it feels so real! Then I come on and straight away I'm back to normal.

Had just finished my journey earlier.

That is interesting Carrie our experiences are so similar. It is so weird isn't it...

Carrie so impressed with how you are embracing 'eating without restriction', very inspirational. I am still struggling (my deep seated desire to diet/lose weight is difficult to shake off) but you have made me try a bit harder. I must admit the pull felt a little less today, maybe it can be done . So thanks.

I wouldn't worry about the sugar content etc. I think you (and I/we) need to forget about all that for now. I think as long as it is edible (!) it can be on the 'yes' list. So easy to type....do difficult to believe/carry out!

How were your parents? What have they said about your depression? A friend's dad does car driving for a garage and finds it a good low stress job. When did your DH last work?

Maggie - I went to OA for a few months. It was nice to be a room full of people 'like me'....but I think I was looking for a weight loss plan and it really isn't. Like sleep says it is based on the idea that a power 'more than you' controls things which wasn't really my thing. It doesn't have to be God.

Also, I found the 'find a sponsor' thing all a bit mysterious. I am very pragmatic and really wanted a nice straight forward diagram explaining what the process was! Instead you just have to wait until someone approaches you - I think from memory.

I also wasn't sure about the idea of some of the 12 steps, esp the apologising to everyone. I carry enough self-loathing and feel like I have to apologise for being (at low points) I wasn't really sure about seeking out more reasons to apologise!!

Having said that, there were people there they found it helpful. I would also say that most of them were slim/average size. It sounds like the dynamic of BED and being average sized is v difficult for you, perhaps you'd find comfort with people in a similar situ.

Hope the wait for the job interview result isn't too difficult purple.

Had a good day today. Feeling on top of work and the family member who is ill is on the mend which is good.

And fighting I did smile when I read about you wanting to feedback to your trainer. I spend lots of my time giving unasked for feedback. It is all very well intentioned and most of the time goes down well, but I do wonder if it is linked to being liked/appreciated? It would free up my time if I did less of it!!! I wondered if you feel like that too?

Ps. I thought about us all when I watched the video for Meghan Trainor's 'All that base' It is great to see a song about not being skinny get to number 1

Mrs tbh I feel free, for the first time in years I'm not worrying about what I put in my mouth at the moment. It helps that I quit my job to work from home, so don't feel judged by my colleagues. I handed in my notice last week after being written off sick with depression for over a month and following receiving an offer of a job working from home.

My parents weren't too bad today, in fact I felt my dad was really trying.

Dh was made redundant end of June 2013, but found a new job and started beginning of May this year, however after 9 weeks the company folded Since he's been for 4 interviews, but came a "close second" in all of them. I feel so anxious about it We had enough saved to see us through just over 3 months. Because I was working we've been entitled to very little help and now we are having to sell our house. We have no family who can help out. It's just been a nightmare!

Anyway, sorry for the rant, you didn't ask for my life story.

How are you all this evening?

I'm sure we can do it Mrs, I am delighted if posting about how I'm getting on is helping though.

I say to myself in my head when I think I want to eat something, "I choose to eat this now", I don't know why, but it is helping. I hope at some point it will become automatic.

Today I had a slice of rye bread with butter for breakfast, a small brie and brown bread sandwich for lunch followed by a mini trifle my parents brought for us. Mid afternoon I had a cupcake I'd baked, then for dinner I had pork loin steak, sauteed cabbage and braised leeks with home made apple sauce and an individual tiramisu for dessert. This evening I've had a mini snickers and a small glass of sparkling wine.

I'm on chapter 5 in the Overcoming Binge Eating book, really getting it.

Just a quck message to say hi and it's great to see how well your both doing carrie & Margo. It's lovely that reading others accounts and thoughts help to motivate us. I can't think of a better therapy. I certainly agree with purple that this group gives me a degree of accountability. How are you both purple and maggie?

I'm still sliding through the week feeling lower than normal. I did have a smile last night reading your posts about being due on and wanting to leave DH, run away from everyhing etc, thought it was just me . As you say once they die down all is back to normal. I am just having a serious crisis of confidence.

Hi there Fighting - chin up! I imagine everyone goes through those periods - I know I do - maybe some people just hide it better than others. If it makes a difference, this thread is helping me immeasurably.

It might not seem like a lot but I've now had 5 binge-free days, which for me feels monumental. And that's been without calorie counting or obsessing over macros or protein intake. I've been in a few situations this week that I know would absolutely have lead to a full-on bingefest before, but sailed through them, mostly by thinking 'I don't want to have to go on the thread and tell the girls I failed'!

Hopefully I'll eventually internalise that thought process and not need you guys as a crutch, but for now things feel like they're looking up (not to be complacent as I could well be back after the weekend with my tail between my legs).

I'm also conscious of using one of the techniques mentioned in 'Beyond Temptation', which is using my mantra whenever I feel an episode coming on.

I start a new job on Monday (for the first time in 8 years eek!), so I'm hoping I can retain this sanity as everything else changes around me.

And thanks for the OA feedback Mrs, I'm not sure about the 'higher power' bit as it feels like it might give me an excuse. If it's just me in charge of my actions I have no one else to blame.

I hope everyone has fun weekends planned? DP and I were going to have a very rare evening out together, but our childcare fell through so we've settled on a movie and a takeaway, which will be a test in itself! Will try to keep the positive feeling I've got at the moment (about food anyway). Thank you ladies!

carrie, have you started your new job already? I imagine you'll find it very freeing to not have to worry about other people's preconceptions or schedules. Maybe it's just me as I'm very much an introvert but I'd love to work from home!

Maggie such a positive post! Your right, five days is great. Just remember we're here to help each other, so if the weekend isn't what you hope, that is absolutely ok!

Sorry the childcare fell through. Take out and movie sounds nice. Try thinking of the night as being about you and DH. The food just happens to be what ever you choose to have.x

Meant to say good luck with Monday maggie. Hopefully you will settle in quick.x

Maggie good luck for Monday Let us know how you get on.

I haven't started my new job yet, hopefully I'll start at the end of the month. I'm a bit nervous about being self employed again, as I hate filling in my tax return, but also because there' s no guaranteed monthly income, but I am looking forward to not having to keep up with colleagues (my colleagues were very fashionable and also much better off than me, thought nothing of going to the hairdressers every month, having their nails done every week and constantly buying new clothes, whereas I shop on Ebay and don't go to the hairdressers or wear make up). Also I'll be here for dd in the holidays and here for my dog all the time

Fighting sorry you're still feeling down. Hope things pick up for you soon.

No plans for the weekend here.

Today I've had poached egg on toast for breakfast, home made vegetable soup for lunch with a slice of toast, dinner was a portion of fries and an apple pie from McD (Friday treat!), plus a mini snickers and an individual tiramisu and a small bag of salt and vinegar crisps in front of the TV with a small glass of wine.

That sounds like a fairly nice day of eating carrie.

I have some work to do this weekend but hopefully will be laid back.

I had a chat with a friend today and looking at how I'm feeling I'd say the depression has returned. I will implement my plan of slowing down and doing what I have to but no more and ride it out. Perhaps time to step up blogging and look for what may have triggered it.

Avoiding going to bed at the moment as in my head it delays getting up and facing the day. Odd logic I know. My eating hasn't been great this week but more a lack of appetite or wanting to eat. A small positive was my shopping trip today. Sleep we had the movie night you suggested, the DC were great. I only bought what I intended and didn't fill the basket with 'treats' to pick myself up. How much of that is down to losing interest in food though, I don't know. My anxiety is pretty bad too.

I do think of this group often and despite how I feel, I still see the positives here. Post checking is happening worry about using 'I' and talking about me too much again. Actually worrying about everything really .

Today has been a good day in the Fighting household. DH has been looking after me and I feel better than yesterday. We have a movie and take out night planned . hope everyone is well.x

Your DH sounds lovely Fighting, glad today's been better. DullI've had a super busy day of dull errands and cleaning - we were meant to be coming to the end of our building work but it looks like it's going to continue well into next week. In the meantime I'm frantically trying and failing to keep the dust at bay :(

I have to admit I did a little bit of mindless snacking for the first time this week (standing up in the kitchen when no one else was around, or picking at the DCs leftovers, that kind of thing). But I was much more conscious of what I was doing than I've ever been before, so the damage was probably minimal. But it's good to know that even when I do succumb it won't be quite as serious. Fingers crossed.

I hope everyone else has had a much more exciting Saturday night than I have!

Glad you're feeling a bit better Fighting, your dh sounds great.

Nothing exciting happening here this weekend. I was persuaded by dh to go shopping for treats, but actually not so much for me, more for all of us.

So today I had poached eggs on toast for breakfast, some vegetable mini spring rolls for lunch and a slice of cake and then chicken Kiev and chips for dinner, tiramisu for dessert, then this evening a glass of wine, a mini snickers and a small bag of crisps.

Not great from a healthy eating point of view, I know. I can't really be bothered to cook much at the moment, although I have lots of meat and veg in the fridge/freezer.

Glad you had a better day fighting.

Everyone else seems to be doing ok which is nice to see.

I'm doing ok. A bit run down which is probably the stress of the last few weeks and I still have a week to wait until I find out about the job. I have a dilemma now, there is another job that is going to be advertised this week. It's a job I wanted before but they weren't recruiting. It also involves a fitness test which I wouldn't be able to pass at the moment and it is face to face with the public which I had kind of decided I didn't want after 20 years of face to face. The job I am waiting to hear about is not and it would get me closer to another job that I would like to do. I think I will have to see about working on an application for the new one in case I don't get the one I've applied for and I will need to start working on the fitness test just in case. I know I don't want to stay where I am. I have some thinking to do. I wish it hadn't come up.