Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

[FightingBed2014]

Hi Ladies, I have created the new thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/2216929-Binge-Eating-Disorder-Support

Although it may seem a bit sad to be moving somewhere else (on MN anyway) I think it's a great that we have been able to support each other this far. We will fill many more threads I'm sure and hopefully help even more people along the way.

I didn't expect many people to read my original post but I am so grateful to have had the support and friendship that resulted from my step to seek recovery. To anyone who lurks, I hope us sharing our posts is helping you too. Posting was not something I did before this thread, so I understand any fears you have of speaking out but I do hope we can inspire your to get RL help too.

Fighting.x

[Sleepwhenidie]

Ok Carrie so I come from the point of view of trying to make sure you eat what your body needs nutritionally...essential fatty acids, protein, a certain amount of carbohydrate, plenty of veg for fibre and nutrients - and I can't see much of these.

Your breakfast each day gives you no fat, no protein, no fruit or veg and this is when you really should make sure you get fat and protein as it tend to set the tone for the rest of the day.What other things do you like? Could you have greek yoghurt with fruit and some raw nuts, or porridge with banana, perhaps eggs done any way you like? Nut butter on the rye bread would be better than jam, at last then you will get some fat.

A cheese sandwich/pizza is giving you fat and protein at lunchtime but isn't the ideal source of either, once a week it would be ok but you could do with switching it about a bit, maybe choose soup or a big salad with chicken or tuna, some beans or chickpeas along with whatever veg you like?

Can you think of how you can add a bit more veg and incorporate things like avocadoes, eggs, raw nuts, olive or coconut oil, olives, salmon, sardines into daily meals?

Just to clarify, where/why do you feel you have overeaten? When exactly did you eat your snacks? Is it always an evening thing? Were you genuinely hungry then? Can I suggest alternatives to the crisps and chocolate?

Mrs makes a very good point about slow eating. The very first thing I do with all my clients is to get them to slow down when eating, 90% of us eat too quickly and often mindlessly. This puts our bodies into a state of stress whereby digestion and metabolism is compromised and cortisol is produced. All of which means we don't use the food we eat properly, it can cause tummy problems and the cortisol tells our bodies to store fat - relaxation and mindful eating does the opposite. I don't specify a minimum number of chews, but taking a moment to contemplate a meal, to relax and then try and really enjoy it in a slow and leisurely way, if possible, without any distractions like the TV - taste it, make it a pleasurable rather than a functional experience. It is impossible to eat mindfully when you are 'wolfing' food down .

Someone better start the new thread!!

[carriewintermeadow]

Mrs I'm really not good at chewing my food well, I tend to wolf it down. I think there are a few reasons for that though: my sense of smell and taste is poor at times, and it's difficult to enjoy food when you can barely taste anything, also I suffer with a blocked nose almost all the time, so I breathe through my mouth, hence whilst chewing I can't breathe, and start to panic.

[carriewintermeadow]

Sleep, this is what I've eaten over the last few days:

b: rye bread with jam, 2 slices, black decaf coffee
l: pizza ( we were in town), tea with milk and 1/2 sugar
d: roast pork, mashed potatoes, braised cabbage
snacks: 3 mini snickers, individual bag of Doritos, black decaf coffee, water

b: 2 slices rye bread with jam, black decaf coffee
l: cheese sandwich (rye bread), black decaf coffee
d: stew with mashed swede, carrots, braised cabbage
snacks: 3 mini snickers, individual bag of Doritos, black decaf coffee, water, 4 biscuits, some fudge (4 pieces)

b: 2 slices rye bread with jam, black decaf coffee
l: cheese sandwich (rye bread), black decaf coffee
d: fish and chips, mushy peas, black decaf coffee
snacks: 3 mini snickers, individual bag of crisps, 6 pieces of fudge, black decaf coffee, water

b: 2 slices rye bread with jam, black decaf coffee
l: cheese sandwich (rye bread), black decaf coffee, individual tiramisu
d: tonight we're having an Indian takeaway as our guest leaves tomorrow
snacks: 1 choc chip cookie (more tonight and also a glass of rum and ginger planned!)

[Perfectlypurple]

I don't know if I have gained as I won't get on the scales. I still feel fat and awful a lot of the time but my husband loves me whatever I weigh and we are happy. I could have been out of a job and made redundant but I wasn't. My nan although old and frail is hanging on in there and has a relatively good quality of life so all in all carrying a bit of extra weight isn't the end of the world.

[MrsMargoLeadbetter]

And well done purple, that is fantastic! Esp with things like the job interview and the BU hen friend there to potentially throw you off track.

fighting how you doing? How you feeling about the biz this week?

Will you do the honor of creating the next thread? Without you we wouldn't have found each other. You really have changed my life.....

You asked if I feel different up thread - I do. The Geneeth Roth quote (following all the support on here &self-reflection) has really made me question my self-loathing behaviour.

There was a classic situ at the weekend where I could have spent time mulling/worrying but I didn't....well maybe 5% of me did. And it felt like a weight had been lifted. The situ was still the same, just my reaction was different.

Subquently my eating has been much better. However I was slightly reluctant to post as I know I often 'do well' when I change my approach and them slip back. However, I decided to post as it is a step forward whatever the outcome.

[MrsMargoLeadbetter]

Carrie it is a long process....but the alternative is to carry on doing what wasn't working.....We all know how difficult it is. It will get easier. You are deserve a better relationship with food, but more importantly you deserve to love yourself/more which will hopefully help you not to use the food. It is possible. Unmntty hugs.

I have found this thread a place to mark the small changes which mean a big deal to me. Today I left half a purchased sarnie...which is unheard of.....

Do you chew your food properly too?

I know my natural approach is to wolf it down. But when I chew 20 times (anything higher seems like torture!) I feel more satisfied and fuller quicker. Whilst I don't find it easy, it is something I can do to make a positive impact.

Are you able to identify the feelings around overeating? I know that is key for me.

[Sleepwhenidie]

Purple you are doing so well! how do you feel compared to six months ago? Am I right in saying that even if you haven't lost weight, you haven't gained either?

Carrie maybe list the last couple of days meals/snacks/drinks and ican suggest some small changes? PM if you prefer.

[carriewintermeadow]

Thank you Purple It's so difficult but I will keep trying.

[Perfectlypurple]

You need to stop hoping for the quick fix or for a switch to go on and everything will be ok.

It has taken years to get to this point so it will take time to reverse it. When it is hard and you feel like dieting think back to all the other times you were successful and how it was too hard or extreme to maintain it. So yes, this Christmas you may be overweight and could change that by restricting now but this time next year you will probably be in the samepposition you are now. Think of it long term - this time next year it could all be so different - and try to stop thinking of weight loss being the goal. Being healthy, eating the right food naturally is my goal at the moment. Eventually I hope to get some weight off but it has stopped being all I think about.

[carriewintermeadow]

Thanks. I have been eating full fat, no diet stuff at all. But I'm craving chocolate all the time.

I haven't weighed myself either, but I know I'm putting on weight because my jeans are too tight. I'm overweight anyway, so don't want to put more on.

It's so difficult ...

[Perfectlypurple]

I have spent the last 6 months not dieting. It has been hard as I haven't lost weight but the only way we can do this is to try to correct our messed up metabolisms. I know that because of years of binge/restrict my body needs less calories to get the weight off so as time goes on each diet gets a bit harder. For the last 6 months I have tried to eat what I want and forget about weight loss. It hasn't been easy as it takes the control away from me and I struggle with that. But hopefully I will have gone some way to getting my body back to normal. Yes I have days where I binge but they are nowhere near as bad as before as I have given myself permission to eat what I want. I eat full fat stuff, no reduced fat or calorie foods.

I think I am now ready to start reducing a bit, have smaller portions, not have a couple of babybels with lunch etc. But I know that I won't lose weight quickly and I won't be getting on the scales. And if I am hungry I will have the couple of bits of cheese. The thing with eating full fat food/protein is you are less hungry so you don't feel deprived and are less likely to go mad. Of course that doesn't stop the emotional eating but if you stop depriving yourself the emotional eating will get less. It just won't happen overnight. You need to give yourself time to change.

[Sleepwhenidie]

I think you need to start by eating proper food Carrie, 3 meals a day, with good fat and protein in them. Doesn't matter what else. You've had lots of sugar heavy stuff and been skipping meals, it's perfectly predictable that you will be hungry - attempting to feed yourself with empty calories doesn't work, because they don't give your body what it needs...so you still feel hungry, so you eat more...and so it continues. It's normal to go a little but overboard initially when you give yourself permission to eat anything you like, there's a bit of a kid in a sweet shop thing going on, it takes a while for the message that you can have as much as you want, when you want, (as opposed to a 'screw it, I've eaten one so may as well have five and then back on to the diet' approach) to really sink in but you need to apply the 'permission' along with eating what your body really needs and a bit of mindfulness. It all takes practice, be patient and kind with yourself

[carriewintermeadow]

Thanks sleep.

I've lost the plot a bit this week due to having a visitor, but I am putting on a lot of weight.

How do I find the healthy balance between not setting certain foods as forbidden which then leads to cravings and yet not eating so much junk that I put on weight. I'm so close to dieting ...

[Sleepwhenidie]

The control thing is a common theme with BED sufferers I think, it's usually not just exercised with food, but is a common thread through life in general. Something to think about maybe. It can help to try and relax a bit when you feel anxiety rising and practice trusting not just in other people but also in fate...especially when you really can't affect what happens

[carriewintermeadow]

Wise words, sleep, thank you, I never thought of it that way. I will try to step back and observe. I just always viewed it as my responsibility to make things work!

Had to go out today to show our visitor around the area and ended up spending more than I wanted on food. He did come with some spending money, but of course when we take him somewhere we're paying for all of us to do something/eat something.

I still didn't want to get up today and be social However, I got through the day.

Hope you're all OK

[Sleepwhenidie]

Carrie and Fighting when we feel responsible for everyone's feelings and situations in our families it usually boils down to us attempting (usually subconsciously) to control everything - but of course it goes too far, when we accept and demonstrate that responsibility all the time, then our family members come to expect it (and possibly resent it), whether it is enjoying a family day out, remembering stuff needed for school or even getting a job! So they may blame you, as you blame yourself, when things don't go to plan or absolve themselves of responsibility to take care of their own st, and possibly resent you for that too . I think the first step is to start trying to identify when you do this, stop and observe it, possibly note it down so that you see the pattern emerging. Then from there, start stepping back from the temptation to take the blame or act to make things better. You are not responsible for everyone else's happiness - influential yes, responsible, no. Focus on what you need to make you happy and how you can affect that, take care of yourself first and foremost.

[FightingBed2014]

Busy lady! Maybe you can pm us a pic of your finished cakes? You're very talented.
Work saw how great you were and all the effort you put in. So happy for you.x

[Perfectlypurple]

I'm ok thanks fighting very busy with work and other stuff. Have got a couple of cakes to do for the end of next week so I have been making the decorations for them.

Haven't got a start date yet for new job. I have to do a vetting procedure and I can't get the page to load to do it. I am lates today so will try this evening when hopefully the servers will be a bit quicker. Once that's done I can get the opticians report sorted and have a hearing test - then I will hopefully find out when I start. I don't think it will be this year. It still doesn't feel real!

[FightingBed2014]

purple and maggie how are you both?

[FightingBed2014]

I understand the sense of urgency you get Carrie. It's a compulsion that won't rest until something is done. Not so great when your not in control of a situation. The anxiety for me can be awful until said action is complete. I think a lot of us here share that personality trait.x

[carriewintermeadow]

Mrs I don't know, I guess it's not my responsibility to sort things out alone, but particularly the job situation is affecting all of us and dh seems to have no drive. I'm not regretting giving up my job, but obviously at the moment our income is an unknown factor until the end of each month and I like to know exactly what we're dealing with so I can plan. I'm usually very proactive, when I decide to do something I put everything into making it happen, I have no patience to wait and let things happen. So if I decide I need a new job I throw myself into searching for one until I find one. Dh is sending off applications, but then waiting for them to get in touch, not chasing up and I just think he could be doing more.

The fact I can't talk to him about it is driving me mad. I tried the other day and he was immediately snappy, sulky. I can't imagine the rest of my life being like this. I'm married to a man I don't have that much in common with anymore. And I have no money to do my own things and no energy to do anything, if I even knew what I wanted to do

[carriewintermeadow]

Fighting I feel the same, I always feel it's my responsibility to keep everyone happy. I then realise it's somehow always about me and feel bad for that reason too

I think the main reasons I feel bad are the situation at home financially and with dh's work, the guilt I feel towards my two older children following my divorce from their father and the tough time they had growing up, I see them both really struggling with it and feel responsible, it's my fault. Also a total lack of self confidence, self esteem, I hate myself a lot of the time. Now my youngest is also "depressed" - it's not that I'm not taking it seriously, but I do think there's a certain amount of enjoying the drama involved and keeping up with friends, the whole self harming thing seems to spread like an epidemic. I don't feel strong enough to cope with all this
I'm sorry, I'm struggling to comment on other posts, I don't get near the pc at present and replying on my phone is difficult when I can't see previous posts.

[FightingBed2014]

You don't have to apologise Margo, you didn't make me cry. The words that resonated with me did. I absolutely feel like its my job to make sure everyone is happy. If I don't I feel guilt. When I explain things like that to DH he's very much which makes me feel bad for thinking about 'me', such a warped cycle isnt it. Are you feeling any more relaxed? I loved your observations regarding DC, such a good change to make and stop the cycle. Your whole post was lovely, it sounded like a breakthrough for you. Do you feel like that?

At the moment I'm stuck between two sides of me. The side that turns everything into a negative and makes me feel useless. The rational side of me know it's not actually real. I did the PHQ-9 and GAD-7 questionnaires last night. My scores were awful but I feel better knowing. Rather than just feeling like I'm falling apart, I know I'm ill (obviously that was the case anyway but it just feels better when I can see something physical to help label the chaos I feel inside). Reading a strong post on MN last night made me cry and I felt a bit better for getting some of it out.

Carrie your situation at home sounds incredibly stressful for you. Taking a step back is so hard but perhaps trying may help. It must be a constant worry for you with DH's work situation too. You have a lot on, it seems like a good time to try look after you a bit, even the smallest thing can help. All that is worrying you is very mich out of your control, are those the worst situations for you to try cope with?x

[MrsMargoLeadbetter]

fighting sorry it made you cry! It has really made me think about my thoughts of "you should do x".....who for??? Who I am being somebody else for?

I read a post on Cosmo this am (cannot link easily as on the phone) about somebody who lost 6 stone but still found their issues remained.

It helped remind me that addressing the issues is the only way, running off to Slimming World et al won't help me.

How is business going fighting? Saw your latest post. One day at a time is the best approach. Working for yourself is a big deal, allow yourself the time to get into it. You sound like you have done lots already. It will happen.

carrie - sorry to hear things aren't going to plan at home. I do wonder though, is it your responsibility to 'sort' the relationships between the DC and also your DH's approach to work? I ask as I often feel it is my job to ensure that everyone is happy etc...but is it? Is your DS's SB unhappy with his visit? Sorry if I am assuming the wrong thing completely....

Well done on not bingeing.

Hope the job is going ok maggie and the steps to your new role purple are going to plan. And hello sleep hope your DC are doing ok at school.