Hello
I read this Geneen Roth quote earlier, it really spoke to me:
"Awareness of the belief changes everything because it turns the light on.
My belief, based on a collection of memories and feelings, both personal and cultural, was that women—I—needed to hide, or at least tone down, the shine, the luminosity, the power otherwise I’d be hunted, burned at the stake of other people’s envy. This wasn’t a conscious belief. But slowly, after I saw what I did with food, money, work (and in my relationships with friends, my husband, and other people, because if the pattern is active in my psyche, it gets acted out everywhere) I began to question not just the consequences of my actions (losing my money, wearing pants that could fit me and three other people), but the constellation of feelings and beliefs that were at the bottom of them, particularly the imperative to hide, sneak or otherwise cut myself down in ever more creative ways.
I begin questioning my actions and the anxiety that results from acting differently than I think I am supposed to act. When I say no and feel bad about myself, what is that discomfort about? When I am firm or direct, when I sound as if I know what I am talking about (because I do), can I tolerate someone being put off? Can I spend money on myself and feel okay about it? And when I begin going into the tizz of making myself wrong, can I catch myself and stop the pattern right there?"
The found myself thinking 'Who I am trying to moderate my behaviour for?'. If I didn't do x, who would benefit/care? Not sure I have ever thought about that before....
DD is really starting to grow into her personality and I found myself thinking 'She is going to be a handful'. And it made me think about the fact that is always how I have been described (by my family) and I don't want to repeat that. Who am I to decided if she is a handful? Rather than she is just an independant girl with a freer spirit than some?
Anyway, hope you all had good weekends.