Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Does your DH know about the bingeing Carrie?

Not really. He eats a lot of junk himself and thinks it's normal He doesn't stand in the kitchen eating when no one's looking though..

carrie and maggie I have only just started to work out what the particular issue is that causes a binge. You need to 'check-in' when you are trying to check-out (or at least that is what I am doing) which is hard but you can do it.

Prior to a binge I get a feeling inside and I want the food to ease and suspend the pain.

There is no quick fix, but trying to understand has got to be better than just carrying on.....

It is s*it (!) but a long term issue needs a longer term recovery.

But I honestly feel like things are getting better for me and I think fighting and purple would say the same. I just hope you start to feel the same.

I've spoken to some people who described their relationship with food, the preoccupation, the secret bingeing, as being like having an affair (but with food rather than a person). Would you relate to that Carrie?

Thanks Mrs. Not sure I understand checking in and checking out though, sorry.

Today I've been food shopping. I did buy treats, but didn't go crazy, which is a start.

I don't think so Sleep. I don't plan or think about it all the time, just when I'm stressed/bored, then it is the only thing that helps.

Sorry for sounding jargonny.

What I mean:

When you are standing in the kitchen about to eat another x in secret or to start eating x despite not being hungry you need to try to think about why you want to eat. What is it that is driving you to eat? You need to focus in on what it is that is compelling you.

With me it can be; that I weighed myself that am and feel bad, that a friend hasn't contacted me back and I am worrying that I have upset her or I did something wrong with work and it is weighing on my mind etc. So it isn't something about being in the kitchen right then but something nagging at the bottom of my mind.

For me eating like this eases the uneasy feeling the above thoughts have. It gives me the opportunity/permission to 'check-out' or just block out the feeling/thoughts.

Sorry if I am projecting my experience on to you, you might not identify with anything I have said!

sleep I can see why people may use that description but I wouldn't say an affair either. It's most definitely a secret from the majority of people though. Not really a conversation starter.

Definitely a secret for me. My dh knows now but I only told him recently. The only other person in rl that knows everything is a friend who has an eating disorder herself so we kind of get each other. We are both very good at seeing the good in the other one and giving advice but can't see the good in ourselves or take our own advice.

It is going to take time. Little victories like not buying as many 'treats' are great and they will build up to bigger victories. The key though is to stop seeing food as a treat and just part of normal life. I am better than I was but still have a way to go.

My big victory is not calorie counting or getting on the scales. Every time I think about going back to it I think of the girls on this thread and how me staying off it has helped them stay off it. We are all honest on here so if I came on saying I had started calorie counting I would feel I had let them down as well as myself.

There's so much that you're all saying that resonates with me.

I will make a concerted effort to 'check in' the next time I feel a binge coming on. I know that I tend to fixate on things for far longer than I should, so I reckon a lot of the scenarios you describe Mrs would apply to me. I won't write a list for fear of sounding insane :)

The only person I've spoken to about this is DP. Everyone else, if they've noticed, probably just sees that I eat a lot, but assume that I have a super fast metabolism from all the exercise I do. I eat relatively normally in public, but as an example from a few weeks ago was at dinner with friends I had two desserts (knowing that it was likely to spiral into an almighty binge when I get home), and one commented 'I wish I could eat like you'. .

DP swings between being super supportive and trying tough love tactics, telling me to just snap out of it, or stop eating his food! I can see that he's trying to help, but he has no clue how to. We've talked about me getting professional help and he's all for it.

I had a look at Overeaters Anonymous but there seemed to be a real focus on religion which would probably not be for me. Sleep are you taking RL clients / patients yet? Where are you based?

Purple, it's great that this group gives you some accountability. I think that's what I need - someone to answer to, until I can rely on fulfilling that role myself. If someone else was to give me a target / exercise, I'd probably be able to do it because I'd know I had to check in with them and wouldn't want to let them down. Is that completely the wrong way to go about it?

I know OA seems to work for some people Maggie, but my reservation with it is that it disempowers people, to say that someone is addicted to food is kind of like saying they are addicted to breathing...some foods have addictive properties, I am convinced of that, but many more don't .

I am taking clients and am based in London but work on Skype or phone - pm me if you like . And no, the approach you describe wrt accountability isn't wrong at all IMO.

Thanks for clarifying that Mrs, I know what you mean now. I will try and do that.

It's difficult to stop calling them treats, because dh says that too! All my life a nice meal out, a coffee and cake etc have been treats. It's a whole way of thinking I need to change .. But I will do my best.

Perhaps for all of us swapping the word treat for 'I feel like having that' may work? Some days I feel like eating a lot of chocolate etc and others I'm focused on something else and it doesn't enter my head for a while.

I know Margo has mentioned it previously, around the time I'm due on is harder. I would often stop diest at that point as I needed comfort. Now I still need it but that is what I want and I'm allowed to look after me now. I know that when the hormones die down I go back to eating less.

I tried the excerise thing most of this year (until business start) and I genuinely loved training. Looking back though, I started with the goal to do an event thinking it would give me an incentive and it genuinely looked fun. All I achieved was placing far too much pressure on myself early on to do it for fear of failing and what my family would think. I got injured and that slowed me up a lot . I cried when I was told to stop running. I put too much into doing that thinking it would show I was recovering, training on a back injury wasn't wise.

My trainer has also walked this journey and is to all intents and purposes recovered. I thought that was a sign their path was the way. I didn't want to let them down. All that happened was I reverted to old habits, if I couldn't make it or felt too tired the failure aspect was overwhelming. I then felt even worse if I didn't eat really nutritious food. All too many negatives.

The trainer opperated a tough love approach and it works for most people but I couldn't keep it up. Training on my own was much better and setting my own goals like feeling good and relaxed was a great approach as I went a lot more. I would say now that the trainer isn't actually recovered. I see things happening and being said that show to me it's still there and controlling them. I toy with the idea of saying something but we barely know each other and it may not help them. I think others may have done so though.

So I would say try and see which approach works for you but try to not replace the eating difficulties with pushing youself to achieve with an exercise target instead. Oh and buy expensive trainers from a specialist not the high street. I have damaged my feet using sport shop shoes sold to me as 'ideal running shoes', when actually it was a commission sale .

I could do with a bit of advice. Obviously I've been trying to remove the link between food and treats / punishment. I don't know what to do with DC. When they are good they are allowed sweets or something after a meal. Bad behaviour means they don't. How do I move away from that and not give them my bad habits? If they play up should they still get dessert but a different consequence? What can I do to reward without involving food. Or am I simply over thinking this because I have an issue with food? Ironically thinking about this is creating an urge to go eat and I have already had a small choc bar and I'm definitely not hungry.x

I would definitely try and change the reward/consequence away from food as much as you can fighting...my dc's adore 'cinema club' on a weekend night-they pick a film and throw the cushions off the sofas all over the floor and I make popcorn, also iPods/gaming time is a big deal for my ds's, dd responds more to threats of not seeing friends that we have arranged to have here or visit. Trips to the playground etc also handy. I've tried lately to make dessert less of a routine thing for them, I just don't have the stuff they would like around all the time, but offer fruit or yoghurt, maybe a biscuit (most often all refused). Usually they whinge but they get over it pretty quickly.

For dinner tonight I had a chicken and mushroom pasty (because I forgot to get mince out of the freezer in time, so I grabbed something cheap and quick) with peas and coleslaw. This evening I chose to have a chocolate bar and a small pack of crisps and also a small glass of wine.

Thanks sleep. I will try those instead.

carrie It was lovely to read your message.x

I too struggle when I'm due on, want to stuff carbs! I've also read that it's better to steer clear of sugary foods and caffeine at that time. I've been using it as an excuse, but who will from now on try and analyse how I feel.

Forgot to say earlier, I started taking a vit D3 supplement a couple of months ago., after reading a thread on mn and googling.

I forgot to buy the vitamins yesterday. I will try to remember today, its not a good day at all. I'm feeling extremely low and a bad sign was a nightmare last night (a sign something is up for me). I plan to spend the day with DC2 and do what I can to feel better but right now hiding under a duvet and crying is what I'd like to do. I am aware I need to look at whats going on but he latter just sounds better right now.

fighting sometimes getting back under the duvet is the right thing! Can you do exactly that when dc2 naps later, just seek comfort in a soft pillow and a book/nap/cup of tea? Mother yourself a bit.

If dc2 isn't going to nap then get a blanket and snuggle on the sofa, use CBeebies. The horrible weather (it is here anyway) is a great excuse, not that you should need on!

Sorry to hear you're feeling down fighting Going back to bed for a nap sounds good. Sending hugs.

Thanks. I managed to get out for a biy and then had a nap. Thankfully I think I walked DC enough to make a nap relatively easy. This afternoon hasn't been the best. Just been let down on something that I was looking forward to. Not sure if the level of my reaction is just down to how low I'm feeling. Not sure whether I'm more upset or angry.x